Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (13 page)

Despite the fact that our mothers drilled this rule into us, none of us—Gloria, Lisa or Jill—obeyed this rule all of the time. And in each case, we indeed courted heartache. “Do as I say, not as I do”—isn’t that the saying?

Dating may be gut-wrenching and heartbreaking, but it is also the stuff of every great romantic comedy. “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” may not have been written by a Jew (thank you, Alfred, Lord Tennyson), but it surely could have been written by the Jewish mother. We want you to plunge into life, and feel all the joy of love, despite the risk of heartbreak. Use both your head and heart to find the one who is right for you. Just remember, if you’ve made a mistake, your life is not over. As Grandma Helen always used to say, “There’s another bus coming.” Hop on. We might have a nice guy for you to sit next to.

 

 

 

 

W
e are discussing health and beauty together in one chapter because we see beauty as a reflection of good health and because good health radiates its own kind of beauty. But if there is one thing the Jewish mother never takes for granted, it is the health of herself and her loved ones. We mean never. Never. Lisa wakes up every morning and says a gratefulness prayer that her arms and legs move and that she is free of pain. Recent health scares that affected Bobby and their Jonathan have made Jill more aware than ever of the fragility of life. And we won’t begin to recite the litany of bridge partners Mommy has lost in the last few years. Living in Florida means instant immersion into the details of every single thing that can possibly go wrong in your body. Oy
vey!

Nonetheless, here is Mommy’s philosophy of life:

We all know these statements aren’t necessarily true—there are lots of wonderful poor, dumb, old, fat people out there. (We’re kidding.... Where’s your sense of humor?) But let’s face it; it’s hard to undo a first impression, and if a first impression is really lousy, you won’t have the chance to make a second. Maybe you aren’t tall, thin and twenty-five, but taking pride in your appearance no matter what your age or stature tells people that you value yourself. Jewish women are all about self-respect. Plus, do you really think all those anchorwomen get on television strictly because of their brains and experience? Get real.

Everyone has a different perception of beauty. Some cultures value a rounder figure, others a certain skin tone or hair color. Rarely do people see themselves as others do. If you ask people what they would like to fix about themselves, you’d be surprised at their answers—teeth, feet, eyes, features you might not consider flaws at all.

Jewish women have a cultural obsession with physical beauty, which is not always the healthiest thing for ourselves or our families. We inflict and have been subject to countless admonitions to stand up straight, avoid desserts, and change our hairstyles. How many girls did we know who got nose jobs at sixteen? It was almost a rite of passage. Mommy always said (we kid you not) that she chose Daddy for his nose. Our family is both shallow and deep.

Grandma Syl used to say, “Beauty is as beauty does,” but what she really meant was “You need to be beautiful on the outside, but beauty alone is not enough.” She would say this as we were picking at the divine Ebinger’s blackout cake that always sat on her yellow kitchen table. Of course Grandma Syl was right. If you are not beautiful on the inside, you eventually appear ugly to people as they get to know you. Think about your best friend’s eye color. Do you even remember it? Yet we’re sure if you were to describe her, you’d say she was lovely. We do not mistake superficial good looks for inner beauty, the true and lasting kind. But what’s wrong with having both? The Jewish mother wants it all.

We believe the three most important variables that affect your appearance are hair, weight and skin. All are a reflection of good health, and we realize that disease and medications can affect these aspects of your appearance at times. In general, however, a good figure, lovely hair and clear skin guarantee that you are a pretty person to the rest of us, even if you may worry that your nose is crooked or your eyes are small. Don’t worry too much about your features—that’s why we have makeup. If you possess two out of three of these aspects, you are probably still attractive but not the knockout you are capable of being. If you have only one of these beauty assets right now, then our advice is to begin working on one of the others. When we talk about hair, weight and skin, what we mean is this:

Shall we write an entire book on our own weight neuroses? We could—we are Jewish, after all. Most of us were born with body types that do not resemble Heidi Klum’s, and yet we beat ourselves up about our bodies anyway. Nature or nurture? Who the hell knows? How many dollars have been paid to how many shrinks to discuss how many body-image issues? Here are a few stories: