Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (32 page)

There is nothing in life that causes the Jewish mother more heartache than family friction, even if she knows that she herself is the cause of that friction. Navigating family relationships takes much skill. If you want to generate harmony, you won’t talk too much. As this tactic is impossible for the Jewish mother, we need to find the alternate route, which is to talk to the right people, who won’t repeat what we said. That’s what our friends are for.

Years ago, our rabbi gave a sermon on
sinat chinom,
which is translated as “needless hatred.” Jewish scholars interpret that in a larger, global context, but our rabbi’s message was that the real needless hatred in the world was the kind that caused parents and children, and brothers and sisters, to despise each other for years. Before we can ever move forward as a civilization, we need to mend our individual families.

We are all judgmental about what other people say and do. We judge people on what they are wearing, the kind of gift they gave and whether or not they said thank you. We judge our in-laws, our siblings, and of course, our parents and children, on the basis of their manners, looks, accomplishments, and the way they act with their own children. The Jewish mother relishes the analysis and the judgment but does not let that get in the way of the overriding goal, which is to nurture and repair relationships. We all get tripped up by the events in life that should be the most joyful but end up being the most stressful, like weddings. If you live fully, you can’t avoid some conflict. Nevertheless, you can remember that as you are a bride today, you will, God willing, be a mother-in-law tomorrow. Be kind. What goes around, comes around.

“I
don’t care too much for money. Money can’t buy me love.” Paul McCartney wrote that line, and he is one of the richest men in the world. So do you believe that he doesn’t care too much for money? No? Neither do we. Money may not buy you love, but it buys a nice diamond ring and a lovely wedding. Plus health insurance and a good education. Money is not everything, but it plays a significant role in many life decisions.

Whenever you hear people say “It’s not about the money, it’s the principle of the thing!” watch out; it’s usually about the money. Money causes more relationships to rupture than does anything else. What is the number one cause of divorce? Not sex—it’s (the lack of) money. Loaned any money to friends lately? Say good-bye to that friendship. We live in a society obsessed with cash, with the accretion of it, the hoarding of it and the spending of it. Money fascinates us. Who wants to be a millionaire? Obviously, everybody.

Being rich is a relative term. Daddy defines a rich man as the one whose income exceeds his expenses. Of course, the trick is to keep your expenses lower than your income, which is difficult for us and apparently impossible for our government. In our family, there are no trust fund babies, no inherited wealth. We don’t snicker at those trust funds; we just don’t have any. Thank God everyone is healthy enough (pooh, pooh,
kaynahorah)
to be able to work to support themselves.

Many families are secretive about how much wealth they do have. They would sooner tell their own children the intimate confessions of their sex lives than confide their net worth. Elderly parents facing medical issues do not divulge their financial situation to grown children who worry about whether their parents can afford the attention they need. Maybe these parents don’t trust their kids. Maybe they have good reason not to trust them. We don’t subscribe to this attitude about money. In our family, the subject of money is as much an open book as everything else. Because our parents talked to us about money, we not only learned how to manage our own finances, we were given the message that when it comes to money, our parents trust us.

One of Mommy’s favorite phrases is “Money is round,” by which she means that money comes and goes throughout life. Few of us are either fabulously rich or desperately poor forever. Most of us experience times when we feel rich as well as other times when we worry about money. Money does not define character. Nor is money a basis for choosing friends or lovers. Coming into a lot of money at one time may seem like a blessing, but it can be a curse too. All of a sudden you question people’s motives—do they like me for me, or do they pretend to like me for the money they want from me?

One thing we have learned is you should never judge people by how much money they have or how they choose to spend it. One person’s necessity is another’s frivolity. Would you spend your last hundred dollars on a new haircut? Some people would. Some of our friends who cry that they are broke somehow manage to lease a luxury car that we can’t afford. Economic decisions are not rational—people spend on impulse and allocate their resources in unpredictable ways. Don’t get into the trap of losing respect for people because you don’t like the way they handle their money. It’s their money! Only worry about it if they ask you for some of your money!

The three of us have different attitudes about money. Lisa doesn’t worry about it enough and then panics. Jill worries about it too much and then second-guesses herself. Mommy takes the long view and the practical one.