Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (39 page)

I don’t believe in tiptoeing around my kids. If I have an opinion, I say it.

Jill was twenty-one years old and dating a chiropractor named Peter. He liked to say he was a doctor, but he wasn’t. I’ve got nothing against chiropractors. I’ve gone to them for years. But doctors? No.

Jill thought she wanted to marry Peter, but she was really in love with the idea of being in love and getting married. Plus she liked his family. At my niece Rebecca’s Bat Mitzvah, Peter started to brag about how he had just graduated school and was going to buy himself an Alfa Romeo. I said, “If you love Jill so much, why don’t you get my daughter a ring instead of buying yourself a car?” Peter rose from the table and said to Jill, “We are leaving right now—and I’m leaving with you or without you.” So Lisa’s husband, Bill, who hates being at all family functions anyway, drove Jill and Peter to LaGuardia for the flight back to Boston. There was only one problem with this plan—the airport was closed due to bad weather. So, they had to come back to our house. That night, Peter told Jill, “I can’t marry you. You are going to end up just like your mother.”

Their relationship was over. I was happy. I thought Peter was a
shtunk.
The fact that he broke up with Jill because of my mouth confirmed my opinion of him. It meant he never really loved my daughter to begin with. Jill was angry with me about this for a long time. But I know I was right and eventually Jill agreed with me. ■

The night my mom is referring is all too true. The irony was the airport was closed and we had to stay over at my parents’ house that night. I was very angry at my mother but knew she was right. It is easy to say yes to your children about their choices and see what develops in their lives, but my mother never took the easy way out when it came to Lisa and me. She always fought and still does. ■

Lisa was away on a summer trip after her junior year when her report card arrived at home. I opened it up and saw that the report card said she got a 2 on her Regents exam in biology. A 2. You get a 4 for writing your name. I made an appointment with the principal to straighten out the obvious mistake.

The principal told me that I was mistaken. He said Lisa was obviously suffering from nervousness and she had too much pressure at school. The fact that she would be attending Johns Hopkins in the fall, leaving high school one year early, was contributing to her mental strain. He didn’t want to do anything about the report card. I guess he didn’t know whom he was talking to, but he found out. I insisted that the exam be regraded. Finally, he relented. The upshot? Lisa got a 92, not a 2; the computer had erred. What can I tell you? You’ve got to know your own kids. ■

I think at times you must interfere, but it’s very difficult to know when to do it. You need to trust your mother’s intuition if you have a strong feeling inside that something is very wrong. When you know your child is going to be in trouble, you need to interfere to try to stop the situation before it gets out of control. You don’t want to have guilt later.

However, you do not have the power to live someone else’s life for them. Your obligation is to guide them as best as you can. That child is your responsibility until you die—in every way, financially, morally, everything. We had a situation in our family where Sol’s parents did not want to accept that their granddaughter, Nessie’s daughter, was marrying out of the faith. They were religious people and they felt that by attending the wedding, they would be condoning the relationship, which they could not do. So they stayed away. After the wedding, they resumed their relationship with their granddaughter and were very close to their great-grandson, whom they dearly loved. Everyone knew Sol’s parents were deeply hurt about the interfaith marriage, but as time went on, they were forced to accept it. It wasn’t their choice to make.

When it came to Jill’s boyfriend Peter, I felt with all my being that this was the wrong boy for Jill. I believed he was not deeply in love with her. Did I start trouble? You bet. Would I do it again? Absolutely. ■

1. When your child is in danger. Not the obvious kind of danger, but the less obvious kind, like when he is running around with the wrong crowd. If all else fails, take your kid out of school to get a fresh start. Don’t wait.

2. When your daughter is dating a married man and she is counting on him to leave his wife for her. Do not let her waste her life hoping for a happy ending. Call up the guy yourself and find out his intentions, which, in most cases, will scare the living daylights out of him. Your daughter may hate you initially, but your interference will force the situation to a crisis, in which she will finally discover whether or not she has a future with this man.

3. When your child is dating a man, or woman, who is abusive, either physically or emotionally. Do whatever you have to do to break it off. If the abuse is physical, do not hesitate to call the police. Overrule your child, or ignore her altogether. Just do it.

4. When your kid is doing drugs. Everything is at stake; do not hesitate to be aggressive. Drugs are a monster that can take over your child with brutal force and lightning speed.

5. When someone else is giving your kid bad advice. Our advice: counterattack. Let’s say, for example, that your daughter has found a new confidante—her best friend’s mother. You may not appreciate that this woman doesn’t believe in going to college, that she brags about respecting people who come from the “school of hard knocks.” Good for her—but your daughter is going to college. How to respond? Stay in the trenches. Keep reminding your daughter of your expectations for her future. If necessary, have a chat with this mom yourself; the chances are that she, too, only wants the best for your daughter. Remember, you have a lot more influence on your own child than she is willing to admit.

6. When there is no one else to advocate for your child, you must be his mouthpiece. You already knew that.

7. If anyone tries to start a fight among your children, you have the right to interfere. You are the mother lioness; she always protects her cubs.

 

 

1. Kids have no right to privacy if they are using drugs. Eavesdrop on their phone calls, search their rooms, call their friends and their friends’ parents. Gather evidence and confront them. Do not be afraid. God knows, do not be intimidated. This is the one time in your life when they absolutely, positively need you to be a strong parent. This means saying no and setting firm rules with definite consequences for disobedience.

2. If they live under your roof, watch them like a hawk.

3. Drug test them regularly. That means every day until you can stagger it further. If they fail, the consequences must be enforced.

4. Break up the friendships with the kids they do drugs with. Call their parents; tattle, embarrass, be a total ass-hole in your kid’s eyes. Who said it was easy?

5. If necessary, move your kid to a different school. Sometimes a fresh start can work; you won’t know unless you try.

6. Get professional assistance to discover the reasons why your kids are seeking an alternative reality. You can’t do this alone. Ask for help.