Secret for a Nightingale (55 page)

And then there was that time . Dear me, just to think of it frightens me. There she was to have a child . my little Gerda. “

“Does Klaus know about that?”

“He knows a good deal about it. He was the one. It was his child. He never denied that.”

Floods of relief swept over me. I had been so sure that I should find the solution here . but I had dreaded doing so.

I said: “But she talked about meeting the Devil in the forest, I remember. We thought it was someone she did not know.”

“It wasn’t like that. She knew she shouldn’t have done what she did. I was always warning her. I expect I didn’t do it properly. I told her it was sinful and that the Devil tempted, girls. She thought it was the Devil in Klaus tempting her. You can’t imagine how muddled Gerda gets. She could never work anything out for herself. In her mind it was the Devil coming to her through Klaus, you see. That was what was on her mind.”

“I see. But she tried to get rid of the child.”

“That was Klaus again. He hadn’t thought of settling down with a wife then … and what could he do with a child? He had given her the stuff to take within the first two months … if she should be with child. Poor Gerda, as if she could work that out! Well, she left it too late and it would have done for her … but for you good people at Kaiserwald. Klaus said the stuff he gave her would have been quite all right if she hadn’t left it so late. He’d sold it to many girls who had used it with the required result.”

The baby started to cry.

“Excuse me,” she said. She picked him up and brought him to show me.

“A bright little fellow … takes after Klaus. That’s who he is.

Little Klaus. “

“You are happy to have him with you.”

She smiled.

“It seems like old times when Gerda was left to me. I feel young again with something to live for. This one’s a bright little fellow … as sharp as a monkey. Not like my poor Gerda. Even when she was his age we could see she was not as other children. He’s different. He’s his father all over again.”

“I am so glad everything worked out well for Gerda and that she is happy.”

“Yes, she’s happy. Never seen her so happy. She loves the travelling life and Klaus is there to look after her. They’ll be here sometimes on their rounds. How long will you be with us this time?”

“I am not sure.”

“Well, I hope you’ll be with us some time yet. I’ll never forget what you good people at Kaiserwald did for Gerda.”

I told her I must go; and thoughtfully I walked back through the forest.

I reproached myself. I had blamed him for Gerda. How could I? I had deliberately built up the case against him to soothe my wounds. I had used hatred as the soothing balm.

How could I ever make up to him for what I had done?

Each day his condition improved. He could now take short walks up and down to the lake. We would sit there and talk of the future.

I was very happy.

He said one day: “It might well have been that I was unable to walk.”

“I know. I planned to spend my life looking after you.”

“That would have been no life for a strong young woman.”

“It was what I chose.”

“I believe you would have married me. You would have been my nurse.”

“I should have been that … happily.”

“You would have tired of it … in time.”

I shook my head vehemently.

“I intended to go to Egypt as soon as we were married. A fascinating country. You would have enjoyed it.”

“We are going to my house in London and we shall stay there until you are fit to travel.”

“And who will decide that?”

“I shall.”

“I see I am marrying a very forceful woman.”

“It is as well that you recognize it.”

“Over the last few days I have been thinking that I am the most fortunate of men. I get a bullet which might have injured my spine permanently, but by some stroke of good fortune it just missed a vital spot. That in itself is something of a miracle. And in addition to that I have my Susanna to minister to me, to cherish and protect me for the rest of my life.”

“And I am the most fortunate of women because I have found the only one whom I would want to be my companion for the rest of my life and the miracle is that in spite of his various adventures he should want me.”

“It is indeed a wonderful realization. We are not two young people setting out starry-eyed on the adventure of life. We know the pitfalls, don’t we? I have lived, as you know, precariously, in odd places. I have done many things which would not be acceptable in polite society. In other words, I have lived a full life. And you, my dearest, have learned what suffering

is. Let us be grateful for what we have learned because that is going to enrich our lives. In the first place it has made us grateful for Now. “

“You are right, of course.”

I confessed to him that I had suspected him of being Gerda’s seducer.

He had been un ware of Gerda’s existence.

He laughed.

“It is a great advantage not to have to live up to an ideal. All I have to do is show you that I am not as bad as you thought me to be.”

And so my happiness returned. He was recovering fast. Soon he would be well.

He was eager to get home, but I said we should wait for another week so that he might be really strong. We should return to my home which I intended to keep on. It would be our pied-a-terre in London the house to which we would return after our travels.

“Jane and Polly are there,” I told him, ‘and there is old Joe, the coachman. It is their home. They are part of the family, as it were.

They must always be there. “

He thought it was an excellent idea. And as soon as we arrived home we should be married.

One day when we sat by the lake Eliza came and joined us.

She said: “There is something I have to tell you. I don’t know what you’ll do. I’ve been wondering whether to say nothing … but somehow I have to tell you. I can’t go on like this. Sometimes I’ve thought of drowning myself in that there lake.”

“Eliza, what are you talking about?”

“I was the one. I did it. I don’t know what they do to you here. At home it would be murder … attempted murder or something like that.

Do they hang you? “

“Oh Eliza,” I said.

“So … it was you.”

She nodded.

“It came to me all of a sudden. I heard him say he would meet you

there. Something came over me. It wasn’t only him … It was my stepfather and some of the men I’d had to work for. It was all the lot of them. It was men. I just wanted to avenge myself and all women .. But most of all, there was you. I’d always told myself I’d never care for anyone, not really care … so that they was more important to me than myself. And I thought of you and all you’d done for Lily and for me, and what a great day it was when we got to know you. I’ve often thought of that night in the storm. And I wanted you to have all that was good … all that was right… all you ought to have. And there was that Dr. Fenwick and I thought of you there in that lovely place with all the little children you’d have. And there was him … stopping it all.”

“So you took a pot shot at me,” said Damien with a smile.

“Not a bad shot, really. Though it didn’t quite find the bull’s eye.”

“Thank God I didn’t. I can see now what a mess I’d made … trying to take things into my own hands. I might have killed you. I’d have had that on my mind for the rest of my life … and I see now I wouldn’t have done anything for her.”

“Was it the first time you’d handled a gun?” asked Damien curiously.

She nodded.

“But I’d watched them. I knew how it was done. The barn door was open. They’d forgotten to lock it … Fraulen Kleber’s barn, you know. There were all those guns in there. I just took one.

It was loaded. I saw to that. And then I went out and waited among the trees. And when you came, I shot you. Then I put the gun back and got away. Once or twice I’ve thought of going back to that barn and getting a gun and shooting myself. Because I saw what I’d done. I see now you can’t tell people what they ought to do. Anna wasn’t going to marry Dr. Fenwick no matter what. I thought I knew better than she did . and it was all for her. Then when she thought you was dead, and I saw in her face what you meant to her, I just wanted to die. I knew I’d done wrong . a terrible wrong . because whatever you are, you’re what she wants and she would never get over it if you was a goner. I just wanted to get out of the world. I didn’t think there was no place for me in it. after what I’d done. “

“Oh, Eliza,” I said, ‘you did all that for me. “

“Yes. It was for you. It seems I get funny about people. I was about Ethel. I just had to look after her because she couldn’t look after herself. Nor, I thought, could you. I had told Ethel she could earn more money my way … and look what happened. She got that baby and it died. Poor Ethel, she was well nigh frantic. I just had to look after her because she didn’t know nothing about life and the wickedness of men. Then she found that Tom. He seemed all right and she’s happy now. And then there was you. I took to you that night in the storm. I could see there was something special about you. You made me feel different about things … about people. Then there was that Dr. Fenwick and he was a rare good man. But you had set your eyes on him”

“And so,” said Damien, ‘you decided to remove me and make the way clear. “

“I thought she’d come to see it in time. She’d see which side her bread was buttered. Once you’d gone, she’d get over it …”

“It is all very logical,” he said.

“Now I’ve told you. It’s a load off my mind. What are you going to do about it? You’ll give me up, I reckon. He will… anyway. I’m finished. Well, it wasn’t much of a life. Funny … the best part was that awful hospital in Scutari, working with Ethel and you, and seeing Dr. Fenwick and feeling there was some good in the world after all.”

“Oh, Eliza,” I said, and I went to her and put my arms round her.

“Well, that’s me,” she said.

“I’m a murderess, ain’t I? Or as good as makes no difference. I tried and I failed, but I might have done it.”

“I understand, Eliza. I know how you suffered. Your step father ..

and all those men . the humiliation, the degradation. I understand it all. And the doctor is well. He is recovering fast. Oh, Eliza, I’ll do everything I can to help. “

“I know … I know … even though if I had done it would have been all over for you. But it ain’t for you to say, is it? It’s him. He’s the one I tried to kill.”

Damien was watching her intently.

“Why didn’t you finish me off when you were looking after me? That wouldn’t have been so difficult, would it?”

“But I knew then … Perhaps I knew as soon as I’d fired that shot.

And when I saw her . later on . and all that misery in her face I just wanted to go away and die. I would have done anything to go back to that morning and not have taken that gun, and just let things go on the way they was drifting. Then I did everything I could to put things right. I was going to do all I could to nurse you back to health. “

“You did nurse me very well. You’re a really good nurse … one of the best. But it wasn’t very logical. To take that shot and then nurse me as you did.”

“I told you … I’d seen then … the way it was with her …”

“You did all that for her,” he said.

“It was a great deal. I’ve just made a decision as to what I’ll do about this.”

We looked at him fearfully. He smiled from one to the other of us tantalizingly.

“I’m going to suggest that Eliza goes to Rosenwald.”

“To Rosenwald … what for?” I stammered.

“To run the place, of course. She’s a strong-minded woman … not afraid to take firm action when she thinks fit. Just the person we are looking for. There, Eliza, you can expiate your sin; and when you have saved your first life you can say: ” Now I have wiped out the deed.

”

“You mean … you are not going to give me up … prosecute or whatever they call it?”

“No. I think this is a better plan.”

“How would you trust me? I was ready to kill you. How do you know I won’t do something like that again?”

“Once is enough for that sort of thing. You’d never try that again.”

“And you would put me in charge of … people?”

“It was my life you were going to take … in your opinion it was worthless … a menace to someone you cared for. It was logical thinking and I am a great upholder of logic.”

“But it was wicked of me to do what I did …”

“Indeed yes. But your motives were not for personal gain. You took such action for someone else. That shows a great capacity for affection. You care very deeply for someone I care for. That shows we have a great deal in common. Your assessment of my character is not entirely at fault. I am a most unworthy person. You have great potential for running a hospital. How fortunate you are that your bullet landed where it did. If you had killed me I should not have been able to offer you Rosenwald.”

“You are treating this … flippantly,” I said.

“Not at all. Eliza gave vent to her feelings. She will never attempt to kill again because she knows now that she cannot condemn completely and no one ever can, because all the circumstances must be known before judgement is passed. She knows now that no one is entirely wicked … even I; no one entirely a saint not even the good Dr. Fenwick. Eliza is wiser than she was. She knows that we all have to go our own way in life and it is not for any of us to arrange that way for others. She will do good at Rosenwald. What a waste of time useless trivia and accusations would be! It is a matter between our selves. I killed a man once. He came to my tent with a knife. I strangled him and buried his body in the sand. It was either him or me. It bothered me for some time; and when I saved a patient’s life I felt the score was even. That is how it will be with Eliza.” He turned to her with a smile.

“I think you should go down and have a look at Rosenwald soon.”

I could see that Eliza was overcome with emotion. She looked as though a great weight had been taken from her shoulders.