Secret for a Nightingale (53 page)

He threw aside his napkin and stood up. He held out his hands, taking mine and drawing me up to stand beside him.

“My dear Nightingale,” he said, ‘this is inevitable. “

I tried to speak but my heart was beating so fast that it was impossible. He held me against him and I just stayed there.

“It is early yet,” he said.

“There is a balcony at the window of the Oak Room. Let us go and look out at the forest.”

“And all this’ I indicated the table.

“They will creep in discreetly and remove it when we have retired.

Isn’t this the most romantic of spots? How different from that little room in the General at Scutari do you remember? where some of our little skirmishes took place? “

I said: “I remember.”

He put an arm round me and we went upstairs to the Oak Room, where the burning logs threw a flickering light over the oak walls. He led me to the window and for a few moments we stood on the balcony looking out into the dark forest. The smell of the pines was intoxicating. A dark shape flew past the window and I heard an owl hoot.

“The bats are flying low tonight,” he said, and kissed me.

He went on: “How I have wanted this … for a long time. I am so happy tonight.”

“I am so surprised, so …”

“Happy,” he said.

I was silent and he went on: “Speak the truth. Nightingale. You are not going to turn away from me.”

“I am alone here,” I began.

“But you came of your own free will. Much as I need you, I would not have it otherwise. If you do not wish me to remain with you, you may send me away.”

I put up my hand and touched his face; and he took it and kissed it swiftly.

“I don’t understand myself,” I said.

“I understand, my dearest. You have been lonely, struggling with grief, hating when you should have been loving, refusing to see how good life could be. And tonight, because I am with you here, because we are in the heart of the forest, because there is magic in the air, you will forget all the barriers which you set up for yourself. You are going to stop grieving and live.”

A lassitude had come over me. I did not want to resist. I wanted to open my arms to him. Tomorrow I would face my folly; but tonight it was irresistible. I let him lead me to the fourposter bed and we sat down side by side.

He kissed me and said: “At last. Let us forget everything except that we are here together … that I mean to you what you mean to me, and when that happens to two people, there is only one outcome.”

I turned to him. He kissed my throat and my lips; and as he went on kissing me I felt myself slipping into such bliss as I had not thought possible.

The dawn was just beginning to appear. I had awakened and I lay there thinking of what had happened. I had never known such passion, nor such joy. I thought of Aubrey and those first days of our marriage. He had been a tender lover and our relationship had seemed idyllic then.

Then there had come the awakening in Venice and the slow realization that it was not Aubrey I had cared for; it was being in love, being admired, adored . loving and taking pleasure.

This was not like that. This had been a tremendous adventure with a man to whom I was irrevocably drawn and yet who was a mystery to me.

I was completely fascinated. I could think of nothing but him. What I had felt for Aubrey was quite different. It was like comparing pale moonlight with the rays of the sun.

I felt again that glorious lassitude. I thought: I shall never forget this night. It will stay with me for the rest of my life. If he goes, I shall remember. I might have known there could never be anyone like him.

I had been a fool, perhaps. I had succumbed so willingly hardly succumbed; my eagerness had matched his. I had discovered a new person in myself a sensuous, demanding woman. I had never known that I could be like this. He had awakened me to myself.

My hands were lying limply by my side and suddenly I felt him take one of them.

“Awake, Nightingale?” he asked.

“Yes. It will soon be morning.”

“And then we shall go from here. You have no regrets , .. Susanna?”

“No,” I replied.

“None.” Then I was startled for I realized he had used my real name. He had called me Susanna and I had always been Nightingale or Miss Pleydell to him.

“Why did you call me that?” I asked.

“Why not? It is your name. Susanna St. Clare, a charming name. Anna was never quite you. Susanna, that is different. You are a Susanna.”

“You knew that I …”

“The closely guarded Secret of the Nightingale,” he said.

“It was never a secret to me.”

“Why did you not say?”

“Was it for me to mention something which you’ were so determined to put behind you?”

“When did you discover?”

“Right from the beginning. I saw you in Venice.”

“Oh. I saw you, too. That night … you brought Aubrey home.”

“So you knew who brought him home. The wicked Dr. Damien who, you believed, had encouraged him in his folly.”

“Yes. I was sure of that.”

“I knew it.”

“And you said I was a flighty, frivolous wife and that it was unfortunate that he had married me, that I might have saved him.”

“Well, mightn’t you have saved him?”

“How could I? It was horrible. That cave place …”

“Aubrey was absurd and melodramatic. When he heard about Francis Dashwood at Medmenham, he had to do the same. He was a boy, really.”

“You encouraged him in his drug-taking.”

“That’s not true!” He was vehement in his denial.

“I was interested to see the effect of it. I had to, because I could see there was medicinal value in what was being taken recklessly and purely for sensationalism. I had to find out.”

“So you found out through these people. You let them take their drugs so that you might see the effect.”

“Not at all. I have tested them on myself. They took their own drugs.”

“You could have become an addict, too.”

“Not I. I knew what must be done.”

“You were there … in that cave.”

“Yes. It was an amazing revelation.”

“You were in India when it all started.”

“There was a little group there. I forget the people’s names. A silly woman who found life boring and started this little club. I did spend time with them. I had to learn.”

“Why didn’t you try to save Aubrey?”

“I was concerned about him, and I tried to do precisely that. His brother was a great friend of mine. I thought he might be turned away from the habit, but when he started that cave it was clearly hopeless, and when you left him, even more. He quickly went downhill then.”

I said shakily: “And that night … when my baby died … you were there. You gave him one of your drugs. You experimented on him … and he died.”

“That is not true, either. I told you he was dead when I came to him. I was there, yes. I was in the cave. I was observing the dangerous antics of these people under the influence of the drugs they had taken. It taught me a good deal. We returned to the house. One of the girls was in hysterics about the child. The old nanny was drunk. I went up to find the child was already dead. He died of congestion of the lungs.”

“If you had been called earlier …”

“Who knows, perhaps …”

“If I had not been away …”

“Ah, if you had not been away.”

“You seem to draw certain conclusions. My father was dying. I had to go to him. My child was well when I left him.”

“I am sorry,” he said.

“I know how you have suffered.”

I felt the tears on my cheeks. I was living it all again . that terrible moment when I had gone into the house and found my baby dead.

He took a strand of my hair and wound it round his finger.

He said gently: “All that is past. There is a future ahead of you. You have to forget. Susanna, my love, there is a new life for you. You have to stop grieving. You have to live again.” I did not answer and he went on: “Susanna St. Clare. It is such a pleasant name. There is a symmetry about it. But I think Susanna Adair would be better.”

I was silent as the significance of his words swept over me.

I said haltingly: “Are you suggesting … that I marry you?”

“I know of no other way in which you could acquire my name. What do you think of it? It is pleasant, isn’t it?”

I turned to him and he put his arms about me and held me close.

“You must say you agree with me,” he said, ‘for, as I told you, I find my life dull without you. And one thing I cannot bear is dullness.

Please marry me at once. Nightingale. “

“You are hasty.”

“Never. I have had this in mind for a long time.”

“You didn’t give me any indication.”

“I had to knock down that wall of resistance.”

“You have certainly done that now.”

“Have I … completely? You still see me as something of an ogre, I believe.”

I laughed.

“If I do … I don’t care.”

“That’s what I like. You have taken me with all my sins upon me. And they are legion, I fear. Much of which you accused me is true, you know.”

“I know of the wild nomadic life, the conquests … the wanderings in paths not frequented by English gentlemen.”

“True, but it is due to these wanderings that I am able to recognize the worth of my true love.”

“You turn everything to advantage.”

“That is the way I live, Susanna. I am going to show you how it is done. Will you come with me to those wild far-flung corners of the world?”

“Yes,” I said.

“At a moment’s notice? That is how it is with me.”

“If we marry …” I began.

“When we marry,” he corrected me.

“There could be children.”

“That is a possibility.”

“If ever I had another child, I should never leave that child to the care of nurses. Never. Whatever the temptation.”

“Well?”

“You would want to go off on your wanderings … your wild adventures. What then?”

“If there were a child,” he said, ‘that would make a difference to us both. I have no doubt it would change me as well as you. But sometimes I may leave you, for a refreshing scene. I promise you my absence will be brief. “

“I cannot see you settling down, carrying on a professional life like ” Like a normal doctor. My dear Susanna, I am a man of many parts. When the time is ripe for me to leave my adventuring life I shall settle down with my family. I shall find means of adding to my knowledge of medicine and of life. I think I shall be an ideal father. “

I closed my eyes. I thought: Absolute happiness is early

morning in a hunting lodge in the heart of a forest with the man I love beside me.

The forest was beautiful in the early morning.

We had risen with the dawn and were on our way. Everything seemed perfect: the early morning sun glinting through the trees; the awakening of the birds; the gentle breeze ruffling the fir trees; and that unforgettable smell permeating the air.

I had not known there could be such contentment.

He said: “We must leave within the next few days. When we arrive in England we will marry as soon as possible. I see no reason for delay, do you?”

“No,” I said.

He smiled at me. I was in a mood of exaltation. I had never felt thus in the whole of my life. For so long I had carried my grief round with me and had tried to soothe it with thoughts of revenge; but how much sweeter were the thoughts of love.

Life is going to be wonderful, I thought. Nothing will be commonplace with him. I shall follow him in his adventures and if I have a child . life will be wonderfully complete. I shall never forget Julian, of course. Could any mother forget a child she had borne? But I shall see Julian in my child and this child would be Damien’s. I should be contented for evermore. I thanked God for bringing me out of my wretchedness to this perfect happiness; and I fell to thinking that the present could not be so wonderful if I had not suffered in the past.

In this mood I came to Kaiserwald.

We were greeted by the Head Deaconess. I could see she had some misgivings because of our night’s absence.

“We were so enthralled by Rosenwald,” Damien told her, ‘that we delayed leaving. After all, there was no point in our going if we were not going to see it all. However, we stayed the night at Graf von Spiegal’s hunting lodge. “

She looked relieved.

“And how is the Herr Graf?”

“Oh, very well.”

That satisfied her. He looked at me mischievously.

It was not so easy with Eliza. I could see she was shaken.

I thought it would be better to tell her immediately. I said:

“I am going to marry Dr. Adair.”

“Oh! That’s a sudden decision.”

I nodded.

“You look different,” she said.

“I feel different.”

That was all. She changed the subject and asked about Rosenwald, but I saw her lips pressed together in disapproval. I talked enthusiastically of the possibilities of the place.

“At the moment they have untrained nurses. It would be a great challenge to someone who wanted to make a Kaiserwald of it.”

“I thought you were going to do that.”

“I thought so at first. I thought he was showing me the place for that purpose.”

“But he had another purpose. You haven’t thought much about this, have you?”

“I … I didn’t have to think, Eliza. I knew. It is like that sometimes.”

“I reckon you’re making a mistake. If you marry him you’ll sup sorry with a long spoon, as they say.”

“I think I’ll sup a lot of joy with an even longer spoon,” I said.

“You’re pretty far gone, ain’t you?”

“Yes, Eliza. I am very far gone.”

“He’s that sort of man. He only has to lift his finger and beckon.

That’s enough. You follow. “

“My dear Eliza, there are many things we cannot know about each other.

This is right for me. This is what I want more than anything. I am happy as I never thought to be. I can put my sadness behind me. He makes me feel alive . “

“For how long?”

“For the rest of our lives, Eliza. I am going to see that that is so.”