Seasons of Sorrow (16 page)

E
xactly an hour and a half after their phone conversation, the door bell rang. Charlotte was sipping her second cup of coffee and pretending to read her Kindle. As soon as the bell rang, her heart started to pound. She walked from the kitchen to the front door and opened it.

Greg stood on her porch, a bag of bagels from her favorite bakery, wearing a snug white t-shirt and a pair of faded Levi’s. If she thought their short phone conversation was awkward, this was even more so.

Unable to figure out what she should do, Charlotte just said, “Hey.”

Greg’s expression grew pained. “Please don’t do that,” he murmured.

“Do what?” Charlotte asked.

“Don’t treat me differently. You’re my best friend, Char.”

Charlotte felt her heart break a little. She would have Brandy if she and Greg didn’t figure this out. He would have no one. She took a step forward and wrapped her arms around Greg’s middle. He took a huge breath before he finally hugged her back.

She stepped away and ushered him inside. They went into the kitchen and Charlotte began to make him a cup of coffee while he grabbed plates for their bagels and cream cheese. They did all this without a word. They started this routine in college, bagels and coffee in the mornings before a test or during the weekend when they would get up later than ten after a late night. It was comfortable.

As they sat down to eat, however, Charlotte felt the restlessness begin to return. She had no idea how to begin the conversation she needed to have with Greg.

“Just ask me whatever you’re thinking, Charlotte. I’ll answer the best I can.”

She looked at her bagel as she picked it apart. She couldn’t even meet his eyes when she asked, “Why did you introduce me to Derek?” She wasn’t sure why she chose that question first, but it was too late to take it back.

Greg’s hand touched her chin, lifting it so she was looking at him. “At the time, I didn’t realize how much Derek hated me. I invited him to come hang out with us because he said he wanted to meet you.” Greg laughed bitterly. “He said that he wanted to meet the woman that I had fallen so hard for, but didn’t know I existed. I should have known then what he intended. He was too happy at the idea that I couldn’t get the girl.”

“So he did all that just to hurt you?” she asked.

It was difficult for Charlotte to fathom that kind of pettiness and loathing. In order to hurt Greg, Derek had been willing to destroy Charlotte. As more of his true personality was revealed, she wondered how she had never seen the machinations and manipulation her husband employed.

Greg’s jaw tightened before he spoke. “Yes. He and I had always been competitive, but I thought it was friendly. I had no idea that he despised me so much.”

“How?”

He sighed. “It’s complicated, Charlotte.”

She just stared at him. He said he would answer her questions and she expected him to.

“Our fathers were best friends and business partners. We grew up together. I always thought we were friends. Hell, until college, I considered him like a brother.”

He paused and drank some of his coffee. Charlotte realized that he really didn’t want to talk about this, but he was going to because she wanted to know.

“When we got to college, he started to let the mask slide. I realized that he and I were never friends at all. What I saw as friendly competition was an obsession to him. He had to be the best at everything, to have the best of everything. As far as Derek was concerned, anything that I wanted, he wanted, and he would have it first if there was any way he could.” Greg rubbed his forehead with the tips of his fingers as though the memory made his head ache. “It was like a sickness and I had no idea until it was too late.”

“Then why have you stayed around for so long?” she asked. “If he did so much to make you miserable, why did you remain a friend?”

Greg stared at her for a moment in surprise. “I’m not his friend, Charlotte. I’m yours.”

Now it was Charlotte’s turn to be surprised. “What?”

“When, in the ten years since you met Derek, have I gone out with him for beers or lunch?”

Charlotte sifted through her memories. “There were several times Derek said he was going out with you.”

Greg shook his head. “He was lying. Since the night he decided to make a play for you, we haven’t been friends. I nearly took his head off the night he took you on your first date.”

Charlotte winced. “You fought over me?” A memory reared its head. “The night of our second date, Derek had a bruise on his face. That was from you?”

Greg nodded. “Yes. I wanted to warn you away from him, to tell you that it was all a lie. But every time I brought it up, you seemed to get upset.”

“He said that he had dated a lot of women, that everyone thought he was a player. He said, with me, things were different. He told me that I would hear things about him and that some of them were true.”

He laughed, but the sound was without true humor. “He would say that. Derek always did seem to know how to twist the truth so that it didn’t seem like such a bad thing.”

Charlotte picked at the pieces of her bagel. She had to do something with her hands. It hurt to find out that a man she had once loved had used her to hurt someone else that she cared a great deal about. The pain was a double edged sword, slicing both ways. All the things Derek had done to her cut deeply, but she hated knowing his motivation had been to cause Greg pain as well.

“Where does that leave us?” Charlotte asked.

“What do you mean?

Charlotte stared down at the plate that held her mangled bagel. “I guess what I mean, is why didn’t you move on with your life, get married, have kids?”

Greg’s jaw tightened. “I tried. It never felt right. Every time I’ve ever dated someone, it hasn’t worked out.” He paused. “None of those women were you.”

Charlotte’s insides quivered. There was a look in his eyes she’d never seen before. “I can’t, uh, I mean, I’m not sure how I feel about you, Greg. You have been one of my two best friends for the last ten years. I know I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I’m just not sure I have more than platonic feelings for you. And I am definitely not ready for anything more right now.” The memory of the kiss they shared on New Year’s Eve popped into her mind. It had been ten years ago, but the ghost of that moment haunted her as though it happened just yesterday, making her doubt the words she had just spoken.

His face relaxed slightly. “I will always be your friend, Charlotte, and there is no way in hell I’m going to pressure you into anything that you aren’t ready for. I just want to spend time with you, the same way that we have for years, having bagels in the morning sometimes or chill out and eat dinner or watch movies here or at my place.”

Charlotte nodded. “I would like that.”

Everything he described sounded great. Still, she felt the subtle shift in their relationship. Even if he didn’t pressure her, Charlotte knew how he felt and what he wanted. That knowledge always hover in the background when they were together.

She still had so many questions, but Charlotte wasn’t sure she could handle any more honesty. It was frightening to think that so much of her life for the last decade had been based on Derek’s need to hurt Greg.

“Okay,” she said, “I don’t think I can handle any more honesty for today unless there’s something you absolutely
have
to say to me.”

Greg smiled. “I don’t think so.”

“Then let’s eat.” Charlotte glanced down at her massacred bagel and winced. “I think I need a new bagel.”

Greg laughed and handed her the paper bag holding the extra bagels. “The next time we have an awkward conversation, we’ll do it before we eat.”

She smiled back at him and felt the cracks in her heart shrink slightly. Her life may have taken a detour into hell the last six months, but she would forever be grateful that she had people in it to help her get through to the other side.

Later that day, after Greg had left and Charlotte was alone again, she wandered up to Adam’s room. She still liked to rock in the glider, surrounded by his things. It helped her feel close to him. Now that she was working full-time, she only had time to go to his grave on the weekends or if she managed to leave the office by five, which was rare.

She hugged one of the larger stuffed animals she had bought for him as she thought about everything that happened the last few days. Guilt swamped her as she realized that she was planning her life, her future, and her baby was gone. He wouldn’t have tomorrow. Somehow it didn’t seem right that she should be thinking of what she wanted for herself.

Charlotte took a slow deep breath and tried to let go of the guilt. Her life was moving forward, even if she wanted to fight it tooth and nail. She would take her time and deal with each day as it came. It was all she could do. The guilt would eventually fade because the logically side of her knew that it was an irrational response, even if her heart didn’t agree. It was something she discussed with her grief counselor constantly.

Tomorrow was Monday. She would need to contact Special Agent Bray about Derek’s phone call. She dreaded that conversation. He would probably want to speak in person and she didn’t know if she was up to another grilling like the one the FBI agents had given her before.

Charlotte sighed and got to her feet. She placed the stuffed bear back on the shelf with Adam’s other toys and turned out the lights before she left the room. Gently, she shut the door. Sometimes, if she forgot to shut it, the sight of all his things sitting on the shelves and dresser would catch her unawares as she walked through the house and break her heart all over again.

The sun was almost down when she poured a glass of wine and went to sit on the couch and read a book on her Kindle. Sometimes, like now, when the silence in the house became deafening, she would turn on the television just for the noise. Before Adam died and Derek left, Charlotte usually listened to the radio as she did chores or cooked dinner, but she rarely sat down and on the couch in front of the TV.

Now, after work, she rarely had anything to do. Cleaning the house once a week only took a couple of hours now that she lived alone. If she remembered to eat, Charlotte would put together something quick and simple for dinner, do the dishes, and then the hours of the evening yawn before her. An only child, solitude never bothered her. She was comfortable being alone, but, with her life in such turmoil, she needed something to keep her occupied.

It had been years since she had time to read for fun, so Charlotte had purchased a Kindle and bought a few books by authors she enjoyed. It helped her escape the memories and thoughts that plagued her when she was idle.

Tonight, she was reading a romance novel recommended to her by a woman at work. It was a beautiful love story with a little suspense and twist of adventure, but it was the sex that affected her the most profoundly.

After Adam was born, she and Derek had only been intimate a few times. He hadn’t seemed very interested and she was too tired to care. At the time it hadn’t occurred to her that he might be getting his satisfaction elsewhere because she was exhausted. She honestly thought he was trying to be considerate, which, now that she knew the truth, was utterly ironic.

As she read the sex scenes in the novel, Charlotte felt her body responding to the images they evoked. The scenes were explicit but not in an offensive way. In fact, the author’s description of the hero and heroine making love was incredibly moving and made heat build between her thighs. She hadn’t felt like that it in a long time, if ever. It was as though her body were coming back to life against her will.

Finally, Charlotte had to put the book down because she was feeling extremely twitchy. Her sex life with Derek had always been okay, nothing as hot as what was in the novel she was reading, but she always thought that it was fine. There was a reason those books were called fiction. While they weren’t tearing each other’s clothes off, she and Derek had made love on a regular basis and, most of the time, it was nice. Just because she didn’t climax every single time didn’t mean that it was horrible. She still enjoyed it in a lot of ways.