Savvy Girl, A Guide to Etiquette (2 page)

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BRITT:
Growing up, your parents probably drilled certain etiquette rules into you, like saying “please” and “thank you,” chewing with your mouth closed, and holding the door open for others.

But now that you’re a real-life grown-up (according to your driver’s license, at least), you’ll run into many life situations where you’ll need to know more about etiquette than please and thank you.

To get you savvy on all things etiquette, I teamed up with Bren Underwood, a modern etiquette guru and creator of the etiquette, entertaining, and lifestyle blog
Must Bring Buns
. This Savvy Girl guide is your official road map to help you get through life’s important events and tricky situations with class and dignity. This book is intended to give you all the info you need to have the confidence to be yourself, the class to get invited back, and the comfort to know you’re not in the dark.

While the word “etiquette” may evoke memories of rules, stuffiness, and being judged, Bren is here to show us why that’s not the case: “Modern etiquette is about understanding the guidelines rather than following a set of strict rules,” she says. I personally love this because, as we all know, rules are made to be broken!

After all, we’re human. At some point in our lives, we will accidentally overstay our welcome, spill our wine, forget to send a thank-you note, or get caught wearing two different shoes to a party.

While getting ready that evening I asked my roommate’s opinion on what shoes to wear:

“The strappy ones or the pumps?” I asked

“Definitely strappy,” my roomie replied.

Unfortunately, I’m a bit absentminded. And on my way back to my room, I forgot I was wearing two different shoes. (In my defense, the heels were the same height.) Forty minutes later, I got to the party and realized my mistake.

There was no time to go home and change, so I decided to own my silly error and poke a little fun at myself. And guess what? Instead of being judged for showing up not “properly” dressed, I was greeted with warmth, friendship, and a dose of loving laughter. I realized then that etiquette is so much more than proper grooming or knowing your way around a table setting. Etiquette is also about how we connect with others.

People won’t like you because you have a great job or because you’re wearing the perfect outfit. They’ll like you because of how you make them feel when you’re around them. Sure, it’s great to learn about etiquette so we can minimize our mistakes, but the reality is no one will care if you forget which bread plate is yours or if you wore two different shoes to the party as long as you’re kind, respectful, and have a positive attitude.

In the words of Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.” And that, I think, is the secret to etiquette.
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[
BRITT:
Meet Bren, Etiquette Guru and Founder of
Must Bring Buns
]

BREN:
A few years ago, my husband and I planned to spend a weekend with friends at a ranch in Texas. Just as I was putting my cowboy boots in the car, I got a call from the office. A last-minute work emergency (hello, ad-agency life!) meant we had to drive to the ranch the following morning instead of that evening as planned.

I knew my friends would understand, but I still felt bad about the change of plans and I wanted to make up for it in some way. I called my mom for advice and she happened to be entertaining her eccentric and charming friend Dianne.

Dianne, who overheard my conversation with my mom, jumped on the phone with a vibrant “Hello, darling!” and said three little words that set into motion a cosmic chain of events: “must bring buns.”

To give you a sense of Dianne, as a child, I called her “Fashion Girl” because of her fabulous bohemian-chic style. She would wear things like a belt adorned with keys, bright-red lipstick, and a “sushi” clutch that looked like a bento box.

Dianne proposed that I bring warm cinnamon buns as a hostess gift to the ranch for all of the guests to enjoy. Although it was a simple gesture, I felt inspired by the suggestion, so I woke up early and popped some homemade buns in the oven. When we arrived at the ranch, the buns were a huge hit and our friends were touched.

On our drive home, I began to wonder why there wasn’t a resource for young women that provided modern etiquette and entertaining advice. Motivated by the response to those buns and my lifelong love of social graces, I began writing down all of the etiquette and entertaining tips I knew, as well as the tips I hoped to learn and thought others might too. I added to the list for months, researching and gleaning as much etiquette knowledge as possible, and I kept it tucked away in the depths of my laptop.

The universe, apparently, had been watching. I’d been happily working for a start-up company—a dream job with a wonderful boss, endless opportunities, and creative freedom. One day my boss, T, and I met for a late lunch to chat about an event we were running that evening. Between nibbles of salad and checking boxes off our to-do list, T suddenly announced that our company would be closing and that this event represented the last hurrah before the company closed—gulp!

Being seriously type-A, I immediately started to contemplate my next steps. I told my boss about the “Must Bring Buns” story and how that inspired me to collect ideas for an etiquette book. I also shared my admiration for my mother’s knack for designing a stunning tablescape, and about how my English grandmother, Kay, whose manners rivaled royalty, completely enchanted me as a child.

T’s eyes lit up, and she recommended that I create a blog based on what I’d written—an outlet to share my modern perspective on etiquette and entertaining and to create awareness for my expertise. Me, a blogger? The idea seemed daunting to say the least. I mulled over the thought for weeks, and after multiple late-night chats with my husband, I decided to take a leap of faith and pursue my passion.

And so,
Must Bring Buns
was born.

Since starting
Must Bring Buns
, I’ve received countless e-mails from readers expressing their appreciation for creating a place to get the answers to their trickiest etiquette questions. I love that my community at
Must Bring Buns
also keeps me learning with their excellent questions. (My favorite so far: “A groomsman asked for a plus-two to our wedding and we didn’t even and-guest him, help!”) But what I love the most about my blog is the opportunity to share my passion for etiquette so everyone can shine as their best self while simultaneously making those around them feel welcome and comfortable.

I hope you will love this book and that you’ll walk away with renewed confidence to be your etiquette-savvy self.

There are some people out there who might claim the younger generation doesn’t care about or respect etiquette, but I beg to differ. Of course, certain etiquette rules have evolved over time to stay relevant and modern. But I genuinely believe the desire to learn about social graces still exists and that people
do
care
about manners.

Etiquette began as a way to get everyone on the same page about how to behave in social settings. Think about it this way: We are not born knowing what “black-tie” means, or that if someone invites you to their home you need to bring a host gift. We all learn these guidelines through our life experiences. As etiquette progresses, and as more platforms emerge in which etiquette guidelines become increasingly relevant, savvy girls need a cheat sheet.

Although etiquette will continue to evolve (like social-media dos and don’ts), others will stand the test of time (like handwritten thank-you notes and table manners). What I know for sure is that the foundation of good etiquette—making others feel comfortable and appreciated—will never fall out of favor.

Sometimes the most powerful etiquette moments are small acts—common courtesies, if you will. Actions as simple as holding the door open for someone, supporting your friends’ causes, or giving up your seat on the train for an expectant mother. These little acts of kindness and respect are the little black dresses of the etiquette world—they will always be in fashion.

One recent Saturday evening reminded me of just how gratifying a small act of kindness can be. My husband and I went to our favorite French restaurant for date night. We knew the menu by heart, so my husband ordered for us, saying please and thank you, of course. (I mean, he is married to an etiquette blogger!)

At the end of the meal, the server surprised us when he said, “Thank you for being so polite tonight. I haven’t heard anyone say please and thank you in a long time.” We were surprised because while those simple words seemed like a tiny gesture, they had tremendous power to make this man feel appreciated and respected—a feeling that left just as much of an impression on us as it did on him.

The lesson? Little gestures like this not only make others feel wonderful, but they also make us feel great too. In the words of etiquette queen Emily Post, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

[
BRITT:
As you read this book, keep in mind that proper etiquette can mean different things to different people (and cultures, of course). So if something we say doesn’t resonate with you, don’t forget that this book is a collection of guidelines to consider, not rules to follow.
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