Rules of the Game (35 page)
Authors: Neil Strauss
MISSION 1:Phone Rules
The step after exchanging numbersâcallingâis a source of anxiety for some men. However, the rule of phone engagement is simple: Don't do anything wrong. She's only just met you, and one warning signal is the only excuse she needs to decide never to see you again.
You don't want that to happen. So your task is to read the Day 25 Briefing on phone game.
Plan Your Party
If you haven't settled on a location for your dinner party on Day 30, do so.
Write down your ideal guest list of six to ten people below. Include any women you've exchanged numbers with. Write each person's name in the column on the left and his or her identity in the column on the right. Your description of each person should be terse and compelling, so that when you scan this list, the party looks like a special event.
Harvest Your Seeds
Phone all the women whose numbers you've collected in the last few weeks. Practice the telephone techniques you learned in your briefing.
Invite each woman to the event or party you've planned for Day 30. Make sure you give her a specific location and time to arrive. Emphasize that it's going to be a small, handpicked group, so she knows her invitation is a privilege and her presence is crucial to the mix.
Compared to asking complete strangers for movie recommendations on the phone, this should be a piece of cake.
If you haven't yet received a phone number, make five more approaches today, with the goal of party recruitment in mind. Make sure you study your cheat sheet first.
If you've already been on a date, don't forget to add your name to the winner's circle on the Stylelife forum and share the story with your fellow Challengers.
You know, I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's
like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days
is kind of money. What do you think?
â
FROM THE FILM
SWINGERS
So you've had a successful approach and exchanged numbers with a woman you really like, but now what? What if she's forgotten you? What if you're too nervous on the phone and blow it? What if she's busy on the day you want to see her? What if she's in the middle of something more important when she answers? What if a guy picks up the phone? What if she's given you a wrong number? What if California falls into the ocean?
Don't worry about it.
If you relax, the first phone call can be a very simple process.
How long are you supposed to wait between getting the number and calling or texting?
Some say phone the next day; others say wait three days.
They're all wrong. There is no fixed amount of time that needs to pass.
Rather, here's how long you can wait: as long as you possibly can.
In other words, if you meet a woman and make an amazing connection, and she begs you to call her, you can wait as long as a week. She's not going to forget you.
However, if you meet a woman, talk for a few minutes, exchange numbers, and afterward see her talking to different guys all night, you're going to have to call her the next day. This is because, if you didn't make that deep a connection or impression, within forty-eight hours she's likely to have forgotten all about you.
When it comes to call times, the general rule is: Don't lose the momentum. Call or text her while the interaction is still fresh in her head, but not so soon and so often that she thinks you're a stalker.
And should you text or call? In the past, the answer was call. Now, the answer is text first. The key is to make the first text without setting up a plan. The text should simply remind her why she enjoyed interacting with you, and be as brief and non-needy as possible.
If possible, refer to a private joke or conversation between the two of youâand even better, include a “dangling hook” like you learned on Day 18. For example, a reference to your opener: “Just found out the name of the fifth ocean.” Don't give her the answer, so she texts back and asks you what it is.
You may, if you wish, engage in a couple more casual back-and-forth texts. But the goal is to get her on the phone for a brief call. You don't have to always call her, but you should this initial time to reaffirm your connection and minimize flaking. So let her know by text that you're going to the event you seeded, and ask her when she's phonable so you can fill her in.
Many so-called experts advise blocking your phone number when calling a woman. They also suggest that you not leave a message if she doesn't pick up.
The idea, they explain, is that if you keep calling, eventually she'll answerâand once you've trapped her, you can convince her to see you.
I don't use or recommend this crowbar method, unless you're a telemarketer.
The fact is: If she's not calling you back or taking your calls, the problem is not your phone game; it's your approach game, because you didn't convey the qualities necessary for her to want to see you again. In fact, whenever something goes wrong at one stage in the interaction, it generally means you made a mistake in the previous stage.
So never block your calls and always leave a message. Why? Because it shows confidence. If you displayed an attractive personality, demonstrated your value, and conveyed trust when you first met her, she's going to be excited when you call.
Your goal should be to leave every interaction with the woman worrying, “What if he doesn't call?”
If you've seeded your event properly, when you do phone, she'll know just what you're calling about and she'll be comfortable taking the call.
Here's a general structure to follow on the first phone call:
1. | Try to avoid introducing yourself by name. Instead, begin the conversation with a callback to your previous conversation. If you used the Village People opener to meet her, when she picks up, say slowly and confidently, “So I found out: There's no fireman in the Village People.” She'll know who it is. If you teased her by calling her a brat, when she picks up, just say, “Hey, brat.” This way, instead of reminding her that you're a stranger (especially if she happens to have forgotten your name), you bring her back to the good time she originally had talking with you. |
2. | To avoid an awkward pause, after she greets you, launch into a quick story from your life. Select an appropriate narrative you created on storytelling day, or add a new one to your repertoire. Begin by saying something like “The most amazing thing happened to me today⦔ Just make sure your story is short, and that the point of it isn't to build yourself up but to make her smile, laugh, and feel comfortable. |
3. | Speak in a deep, calm, comfortable voice tinged with fun and positive energy. It's good to be upbeat, but don't talk too fast or be too hyper. Smile on the phone, and she'll hear it. |
4. | After telling your short story, give her a chance to speak. Most of the time she'll tell you about her day or ask a question. If she doesn't, just move on. |
5. | Make plans for later in the week. Some experts suggest saying what days you're busy first to demonstrate, among other things, that you have a full life and are squeezing her into it. Incorporating the push-pull you learned on disqualification day, you might say something like “I'm busy Friday and Saturday, but I'm having a small dinner party on Sunday. I'm casting a group of really interesting people, and you should come. We need a troublemaker.” |
6. | If you're inviting her to an event other than your party, don't frame the interaction as a date. Invite her to “hang out,” “tag along,” or “join” you and your friends. |
7. | If she says she can make it, great. If she's busy, let her know about one of the other events on your calendar. And only one. Unless she gushes with enthusiasm to go, tell her that she'd probably enjoy it and if a space frees up, you'll call her and let her know. |
8. | Whether or not she's available, don't suddenly say good-bye and hang up after inviting her out. Just as you did after exchanging phone numbers, continue the conversation for another minute or two. Add a little playful banter or share a quick, related story. |
9. | End on a high note. Be the person who says good-bye first. You're busy. You've got things to do. |
Though this script is simple and has been used effectively by thousands of men, it's not the only way to handle the first phone call. As you become more comfortable with the process, you may want to distinguish yourself from other men by calling first just to talk briefly and then making plans on the second call.
If you prefer to text, try to avoid it for your first interaction. On the other hand, if you fall into the trap of phone tag before having your first conversation, texting can save the day.
If she's vague about committing to plans or turns down multiple invitations, it's time to examine your game. At some point in the initial interaction, you probably made a mistake. Perhaps you conveyed lower social value, came across as desperate, or exchanged phone numbers too early. Maybe your sense of style (or lack thereof) didn't fit her dating criteria. Figure out what your shortcoming was and work to improve it. In a few rare cases, if you're doing everything right but she's still flaky, she may have a boyfriend or be getting over one.
In general, never accept the words “too busy” as a regular excuse. If Angelina Jolie called and invited you to a dinner she's having at her mansion with Bono, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, and George Lucas, would you be able to make it?
Of course you would. You'd break whatever plans you had, blow off work, and probably walk there on your hands if you had to.
Your goal in every interaction is to be so interesting and such a rare find that she's never too busy for you. After all, if you met the perfect 10, wouldn't you manage to find time for her?
So be the perfect 10.
