Rules of the Game (34 page)

The most powerful motivators occur when different principles of persuasion join forces—for example, when social proof combines with scarcity. “Not only do we want the same item when it is made scarce,” Cialdini writes, “we want it most when we are in competition for it.”

For your final exercise, write down one example of how two different principles can be combined to create a strong motivator for attraction.

APPLICATION:

Do you know what's great about having a party?

It's an excuse to get the phone number of nearly anyone you meet, as well as an excuse to call anyone you haven't talked to in a long time. No number will ever go stale as long as you have the occasional dinner party.

For the purposes of the Challenge, the definition of a party is simply six or more people gathering in any public or private location for the purposes of a fun, recreational, bonding experience.

Having a dinner party allows you to get together with a woman on your turf, where she has to compete for your attention. It also makes for an easy, low-commitment date. There are plenty of people around to keep the conversation going and build the anticipation you both will have for private time together later.

Furthermore, having a regular party will add to your circle of friends and
potential girlfriends; build your social skills; strengthen your leadership qualities; and help you develop the kind of lifestyle others want to be a part of. Some of the most desired women in the world don't just date actors, musicians, directors, billionaires, and athletes, they also date club owners and promoters. This is because everyone wants to be accepted by the in-crowd. So do them all a favor by creating an in-crowd and accepting them.

You don't need to create invitations for your dinner party. And, whatever you do, don't make flyers for your party. This is a small, exclusive event with a hand-picked guest list, and flyers imply mass, indiscriminate invitations.

You do, however, need a reason for having the party. It doesn't need to be anything complicated. Consider presenting your party to women as a weekly ritual where you gather some of the most interesting people you've met for good food and conversation. Or, better still, actually make it a weekly or monthly ritual. You could call it Monday martini night or the Tuesday charades challenge or the Wednesday international cook-off. If you want to get really pretentious, you could even call it a salon.

Another option is to create an occasion for the dinner. If a friend of yours has done anything of note—released an independent CD, published an article, started a website, had a birthday, adopted a puppy, bought a new shirt—throw a party to honor him or her. Then play the new CD, read an excerpt of the article, or proudly display the new shirt at the party.

Another pretext is to make it a holiday. Every single day on the calendar commemorates something—national sibling day, barbershop quartet day, the birth of Gary Coleman—so throw a party to celebrate.

Your party can take place at any of a number of locations.

The best venue is your house or apartment, or the house or apartment of a friend. There are only a few necessary preparations you need to make: cleaning the space, providing something to eat, selecting appropriate music, and—assuming you and your guests are of legal age—having enough alcohol to last throughout the party.

If cooking isn't your forte, a dinner party can be an excuse for you to
learn. If one of the women you've met enjoys cooking, convince her to help out. Since your guests know you're throwing the party to teach yourself to cook, they won't even mind when the turkey catches fire. As long as there's alcohol to drink.

If you don't have the time or incentive to cook, just order out food, remove it from the to-go containers, leave it warming in the oven until the guests arrive, then serve it in regular dishes. If no one asks, you don't need to tell them it's from the Greek restaurant down the street.

If the gathering is fewer than ten people, provide an enclosed sitting space to facilitate conversation. Buy cheap folding chairs if you have to. If you're less experienced in hosting, start or end the night with a group event, such as a favorite weekly television show or an interactive game like charades. Never underestimate the appeal of anything that was fun at age seven.

The second-best venue is a lounge or restaurant that has tables or couches large enough for your entire group. Make a reservation in advance and confirm it on the day of the party. It's perfectly fine for everyone to split the bill. Though in reality it's no different from a regular dinner out, your intent to celebrate as a group is enough to justify calling it a party.

Other locations include a park or beach for an evening picnic or barbecue; a bar or club; even a bowling alley, hotel room, or amusement park. Your only limits are your imagination and the law.

You're not going to throw some kind of blow-out keg party, unless you really want to. Most likely, it'll be a small dinner party for a select group—and that's how you're going to explain it to the woman you're talking to. The more select and exclusive your party appears to be, the better it will turn out and the quicker word will get around town.

For example, rather than saying you're inviting people, tell her that you're “casting” the dinner party—picking and choosing just the right combination of interesting personalities, interests, and occupations—and she might make a good addition to the cast. After all, every party needs a wild card.

Though calling her a wild card can be a fun tease, you actually will want one at your party. So make sure you invite someone whose conversation or behavior is slightly eccentric and outgoing (but not unpleasant or extreme). It
takes the pressure off you as a host, because the guests will have someone else to talk about and entertain them.

You'll also want to invite at least one male friend who's a good conversationalist, at least one female friend or couple, and the women you've met (or will meet) during the Challenge. It is crucial to make sure there's more than one woman present at your party, so that the girl you're interested in doesn't feel uncomfortable or outnumbered.

If more than one woman you met during the Challenge shows up, don't worry if they compare notes on how they met you. Just keep your frame strong: You're a social person who enjoys going out and meeting new people, discussing whatever's on your mind with them, and bringing them together to network. If you live in this reality, they'll usually end up competing for you.

If she wants to bring a friend, don't panic. Let her. If you charm her friend, you're likely to charm her as well. Even if it's a male friend, that's okay. After all, you've invited other women, and those women can even help keep him occupied. Though you don't want to encourage her to bring friends, if she does, it will only widen your social circle and make the next party that much better.

If you're having the dinner party at a home, the energy can sometimes dip after the meal. One way to prevent this from happening is to invite a second shift of four to eight people for cocktails afterward. The new faces, enthusiasm, and energy will give the party the spark it needs to make it lively and memorable. (Be careful about the timing: most guests arrive roughly a half hour after the time you tell them the party starts.)

For each person you invite, make sure that you have an interesting way to introduce him or her—consider using the same kind of identity statement you made for yourself. The better you make your friends look, the better you look.

There are several things you can do before, during, and after the party to deepen your connection with the woman you're interested in.

If the party is at your home, have her stay and help you clean up. If the party is elsewhere, think of somewhere to go afterward.

Sometimes it can be fun to get her involved in helping out with the party, rather than just relying on your work and hospitality. To do this, give her tasks or assignments, such as bringing or cooking food.

One friend of mine makes sangria with his dates. The work is light, it involves alcohol, and it's perfect for two people. To do this, get a bottle of Spanish wine, two limes, two lemons, two oranges, a mango, and a half cup of sugar. Pour the wine in a pitcher, let it breathe for ten minutes, then add the sugar. Squeeze the juice of a lime, lemon, and orange into the wine. Have her slice up the rest of the fruit into wedges and add it to the drink. Refrigerate it for an hour if possible, toss in a tray's worth of ice cubes, and pour it for your guests. (This recipe serves five people, so double it if you have ten guests.)

Other activities to do together range from shopping for ingredients (the grocery store can be a fun first date) to attempting to roll your own sushi, which can get messy—and that's a good thing.

Be careful not to dote on her too much or bend over backward to keep her entertained. And don't get jealous if another guy at the party starts talking to your date. As the host, you're the man of the moment; no one is a threat to you. If you have a trusted friend, let him know your identity statement, so he can share his admiration of you with your date.

The goal of the dinner party is to have a good time, build an exciting lifestyle, and bring together people who will find one another interesting. If you can accomplish this, the attraction will take care of itself.