Rules of the Game (39 page)
Authors: Neil Strauss
Just like with cold reading, there are many clues that will give you this information. They include her clothing, makeup, posture, gestures, eye movements, the way she speaks, and the people she's with.
There's only one way to master calibration: Get feedback.
The simplest way to practice is to turn on a soap opera and watch it with the sound off. Try to guess as much as you can about the relationship between the characters on-screen. Then turn on the volume and check your accuracy.
A good intermediate exercise is to make polite, informed guesses about new people you're talking to. Try to determine what they do for a living, what kind of environment they were raised in, whether they were popular in school,
and what their birth order is. Then, at some point during the conversation, ask and see if you were correct.
Once you're comfortable doing this, next time you're out with friends, look at a group of two or more people and figure out as much about them as you can. In addition to the details already discussed, try to determine their relationship to one another, if they're local or visiting, and what their general story is.
When you're finished, simply walk over and ask them if you're right. Make sure you smile, ask with genuine curiosity, don't make them uncomfortable, and don't seem like you're making fun of them or judging them. Not only will this give you the feedback you need to improve your calibration, rapport, and cold-reading skills, but it's a great openerâas you'll discover in your field exercise today.
MISSION 1:Step on the Scale
As you learned yesterday, there are three aspects to the game: who you are, what you do, and when and how you do it.
Today we're going to further explore the idea of who you are. It's not easy to make lasting improvements to the characteristics of your personality, but once you begin the process, you'll start moving toward your goals in dating and life as if you were on autopilot. You won't need to whip out the rings routine to demonstrate value, because you'll be demonstrating value simply by existing.
The switches of attraction and desire can be flipped by eight major personality attributes working together. Turn to your Day 29 Briefing, read about them, and rate yourself from 1 to 10 in each category.
If you have been doing the Challenge with a friend, told anyone about your missions, or found a local wing in the Stylelife forums, when you're finished scoring yourself, ask your trusted acquaintance to give you an honest rating in each category as well.
The Final Sprint
If you haven't yet been on or arranged a date this month, it's time to make it happen.
If you haven't yet received a definite, ironclad confirmation for your dinner party from at least one of the women you've met, it's approach time for you as well.
Tomorrow the Stylelife Challenge ends.
And you have the tools it takes to be a winner. All you have to do is use and implement them.
To make sure no one gets left behind, I've saved one technique for today: the instant conversation starter.
Grab a notebook or a piece of paper. Write at the top, in capital letters, “TOP TEN FILMS.” Now number it from one to ten.
Your mission today is to make a list of the top ten films of all time. You're going to play one or two of these in the background, with the sound off, at every party you have. Of course, with such an important task, you're going to need some assistance.
So go to one of the following five locations, where you're most likely to meet friendly, open-minded women:
1. | A health-food grocery store such as Trader Joe's or Whole Foods Market |
2. | The lobby, lounge, bar, or pool area of a major hotel |
3. | The bookstore, library, cafeteria, or student center of a college |
4. | A spirituality bookstore, alternative coffeehouse, or yoga studio |
5. | An event from local newspaper listings that attractive single women are likely to attend, whether it be a wine tasting or a casting call |
Make sure that you bring your list and a pen. Fill in five spaces anywhere on the list with film titles. But make sure you leave the number one and number two spaces blank for her valuable input.
Here's a sample script you may want to use: “Hey, you look like you may know something about movies. I'm trying to figure out the top ten films of all time for this weekly movie party I'm starting, and I'm experiencing total brain freeze. Here's what I have so far.”
Then show her the list and have her help you fill it out. To disqualify, tease her for choosing frivolous or obvious movies; to create rapport, bond on favorite films. When the energy begins to flag, start a new thread by using an opinion opener, the rings routine, a story from your files, or anything else you've learned this month.
Your goal, of course, is to seed your party, invite her to it, and exchange phone numbers. Since this is the penultimate day of the Challenge, spend as long as it takes until you have a solid number exchange.
This is the first day of the rest of your dating life.
Rate yourself in each of the qualities below on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely deficient in the trait, 5 is average, and 10 is perfect. Judge yourself not as you see yourself but as you believe others see you. Try to be as honest and realistic as possible. Write your answers in the spaces below.
At the beginning of the Challenge, you learned that looks have less to do with your physical features than with how you present yourself. Rate yourself on your grooming, posture, eye contact, whether you stand out in a positive way, and if your style attracts the type of women you want to be with.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Study and execute more Day 5 tasks; find role models whose style you admire; make dates to shop for clothing, shoes, and grooming supplies with women you meet.
Ever notice that uptight men tend not to do well with women? This is because they aren't adaptable. Rate yourself on your adventurousness, spontaneity, independence, risk taking, social intelligence, flexibility, and ability to handle new situations and environments.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Write down a few things you'd like to do in your lifetime. Focus not on career or relationship goals but on recreational skills and adventuresâlearning to scuba dive, taking a safari, building a kit car, or competing in a triathlon. Then circle one of these items and commit to doing it in the next six months. Enter it into your calendar six months from now to make a firm deadline for yourself.
Strength is the ability to protect a woman and make her feel safe. Some men display this through money or muscle, but those aren't necessaryâand often aren't enough. So rate yourself on being an effective communicator, having a powerful frame, living in your own reality, your ability to take care of others, and criteria such as assertiveness, leadership ability, courage, loyalty, decisiveness, and self-assurance.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
From the list above, select one attribute you need to work on in order to add a point to your strength. Then start demonstrating it in social situations, whether it's showing you're decisive by ordering for a table of friends at a restaurant or demonstrating your communication ability by talking your way into a store when it's about to close.
As you learned on Day 14, value is one of the key criteria people look for when deciding whom to align with. Value actually consists of three elements: what you think your value is, what she thinks it is, and what impartial observers think it is. Rate yourself on the degree to which you're the leader of a social circle, admired by others, able to teach people things, and comfortable displaying high-status behaviors. Other criteria include being intelligent, interesting, talented, entertaining, successful, self-sufficient, and creative.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Make a list of five reasons a woman would want to see you again after meeting you for fifteen minutes. The list should be based on the value you either project or provide to her. Commit to learning one new skill, game, or attribute to add to that list.
This is the home of rapport and abstract concepts like chemistry. It's about possessing qualities that make people feel excited, connected, comfortable,
and understood around you, as if they've just met a best friend or soulmate. Rate yourself on your success in finding commonalities with strangers, creating deep rapport with people, being in touch with your feelings, listening closely to others; and on criteria such as compassion, positivity selflessness, and empathy.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Fear, insecurity, and lack of self-awareness block the ability to emotionally connect with others. Try to spend part of each day communicating, sensing, and existing with an open heart and through your deepest feelingsâwhatever that means to you. Drop any pretensions, masks, and walls that separate you from others. If you disagree with people, rather than trying to make your point, empathize with what they're feeling. If you're not the type to meditate, then step outside your comfort zone, go to a class or retreat, and try it.
As discussed on Day 1, goals are defined not by what you do but by your ambitions and what you're capable of doing. Rate yourself on the clarity of your goals, dreams, and hunger for life. You can measure your potential to achieve them by determining if you possess traits like stability, efficiency, perseverance, and the ability to learn quickly.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Review the goals you set for yourself on Day 2. On a separate sheet of paper, write an actual timeline for achieving each goal, with definite benchmarks. Make sure you include any financial requirements or potential complications in your calculations. Adjust this schedule every year based on new insights, information, and accomplishmentsâand live by it.
An authentic person is happy with himself and embraces even his imperfections. Rate yourself on your congruenceâthe alignment between the face
you show to the world and what you're really like on the inside. Keep in mind that having contradictory sides to your personality doesn't make you incongruent. Having a duality, contradiction, or complications can make you more rich and compelling as a person. But being phony, insincere, or disingenuous does not.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
On a piece of paper, write down the qualities you try to portray to the world. Next to each, add a 1 to 10 rating for how closely that quality matches who you really are deep inside. For any quality you rated under a 7, write down the obstacle that prevents it from being true. For example, if you want others to think of you as confident, but you rated your actual feelings of confidence as a 5, then your obstacle is insecurity. If the trait is financial success, then the obstacle is your lack of wealth. Work to remove that obstacle. Sources of help can include self-improvement books, seminars, therapy, or life changes such as a new job, hobby, or social circle. This will not be a short or easy road, but you won't regret taking it.
This may be the single most important attribute here, and the wellspring from which most of the others flow. Rate yourself on your sense of confidence and worthiness, as well as your lack of fears and insecurities about yourself. Examine your willingness to take up space as you move through the world, how well you accept compliments, how comfortable you are when other people pay attention to you, and how much you deserve the devotion of a woman of the highest caliber. Do you truly believe that you're entitled to the best the world has to offer?
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT:
In the end (and you're only one day away), self-worth is what the Stylelife Challenge has been all about. Don't stop learning and improving after Day 30. Continue to examine yourself rigorously, work on your shortcomings, eliminate sticking points, raise the bar for yourself, and develop relationships with positive-minded people. As you experience
more and more success, you will recognize, embrace, and exude more and more self-worth.
Total Score (all eight categories)________
L.A.S. V.E.G.A.S. score (total points divided by 8)
________
In the months to come, your long-term mission is to boost your L.A.S. V.E.G.A.S. score. It's much less work to attract the best when you truly are the best.
