Rules of the Game (30 page)

I am relaxed, confident, playful, non-needy, unflappable, radiating positive energy. I will let go of my outcome. I am a man who women desire and want to be around. I will learn something from everyone I meet. I am testing women to see if they meet my standards. I deserve the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How do you all know each other?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the old days, my courtship strategy was simply to hang in there and be the last man standing. So I would make sure that either she was talking or I was talking at all times, and then hope that after enough hours and alcohol had gone by, I'd be able to make my move.

Once I worked up the courage to lunge for the kiss, though, I'd get the dreaded cheek turn. This was usually followed by a short speech explaining that she didn't want to ruin our friendship. It felt like a dagger plunging into my heart every time.

I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I just thought I wasn't attractive
or confident enough. And I'd repeat the same ineffectual strategy every time I had the opportunity to go out with a new woman, hoping that this one would like me.

When I discovered that attraction was a learnable skill, I quickly realized what should have been obvious to me the whole time: that every love story needs a plot. Two strangers must go through a specific sequence of events if a sexual or romantic relationship is going to build between them. And whether this sequence occurs through conscious effort or just naturally on its own, almost all relationships follow it.

I grew up thinking that one stage—building rapport—was the whole picture, which explains why I kept getting stuck in the friend zone. Friendships are built on rapport, trust, and common interests. What I didn't realize is that attraction can be built just as easily, but using different materials.

Once I understood this, everything changed. Eventually, as my interactions with women changed from friendships to romances, I was able to create a map and a clear route from the beginning of the courtship to the end. And as long as I knew where she was on that map and how to bring her to the next checkpoint, I no longer had to fear the dreaded cheek turn.

There were only five checkpoints:

Keep in mind that not every courtship starts at the beginning phases. Sometimes the interaction starts later in the process—if, for example, she's already attracted to you. In the future, you may even get to the level where you can sometimes walk up to a woman and make out with her within minutes. The better you get, the faster you'll be able to move through these stages.

The steps above helped guide me through nearly every approach I made. However, there are other ways to portray the same process. And different people respond better to different models.

So I sat down with the Stylelife coaches and asked them to come up with their own version for you, going into greater detail. There are six phases in their model. Here's what it looks like:

This model applies to both men meeting women and women meeting men. Each phase develops to an important milestone or turning point, allowing the relationship to advance to the next phase.

While understanding these phases in a developing relationship is helpful, knowing how to smoothly and successfully advance through them is much more useful. So I asked the team to break the phases into further detail and suggest specific actions to take and attitudes to have at each point in the process. Here's what they came up with:

You don't need to memorize all these phases and strategies, as long as you understand their subtext—that attraction isn't random, seduction isn't something that just happens, and courtship doesn't have to involve fumbling. The fact is, whether other men are using it consciously or not, there is a formula that makes a select few of them successful with women and in life.

You now have that formula.