Rules of the Game (28 page)

The story collection
1001 Arabian Nights
begins with King Shahryar's discovery that his wife has been unfaithful. He kills her and declares that he can no longer trust any woman. From then on, he marries a different woman each day, spends the night with her, then executes her in the morning before she can cheat on him.

This reign of paranoid terror continues until one day he marries his match. Her name is Scheherazade. She knows that the king is planning to kill her in the morning. So on her first night with him, she starts telling a story. But just as the story reaches its climax, dawn breaks, and she stops at a cliffhanger and promises to continue the story the next night.

Curious to hear how the story ends, the king decides not to kill her that morning. And so it continues for night after night of cliffhangers, until Scheherazade has borne the king three sons, convinced him that she is faithful, and won his heart.

The principle Scheherazade employs is one known in the psychological field of neurolinguistic programming as open loops.

Simply put, creating an open loop means leaving a story or thought unfinished. This is the reason that TV series like
Lost
are so successful. Every week, these shows add more and more open loops to the plot, leaving viewers anxious for resolution on dozens of different mysteries.

When I was first learning seduction, if I wanted to get a woman's phone number or email address, I'd begin a value demonstration like the rings routine. But before I could finish it, I'd say I have to go meet friends or I'd have a friend pull me away. This way, if she wanted to hear what the rings on her fingers meant, she'd have to talk to me again.

When talking with a woman you've just met, whenever she speaks, imagine the sentence or comment as a long horizontal string. Then imagine that there's
a hook hanging down from each major word in that sentence. You have the option of pulling on any one of those hooks to start a new conversational thread.

Even a mundane line like “I've been working as a paralegal for six months” offers multiple hooks you could pull. You might tell any law-related stories you know; find out what she was doing before getting the job; ask about the office where she works; ask what exactly a paralegal does; tell her a story about one of your worst or best jobs; ask her opinion on a recent trial in the news; discuss the challenges of surviving law school; find out if she's new in town; or tell her to quit her job because you can get her a position as chief counsel in your little brother's lawn mowing business.

Even though she's hardly given you any information, she's created an endless array of hooks for you to pull on. And you can turn any of them into stories or humorous disqualifiers. To be a winning conversationalist, you generally want to grab the least obvious but most interesting hook.

Hooks also work in reverse. Instead of asking a woman questions, you can leave dangling hooks in your own conversation, selectively leaving out specific information in a way that compels her to ask you about your life. For example, if you say, “Back where I'm from, we don't do that kind of thing,” she's bound to ask where you're from. Saying “Well, that may be true, unless you're in my line of work” will lead her to ask what you do. And now she seems to be chasing you.

Simply put, a thread is a single topic of conversation. For example, if you approach a group of women and deliver the shady friend opener, the thread would be the topic of jealous girlfriends. After ten minutes, though, that thread will start to wear thin. And if, in an act of desperation, you attempt to prolong the conversation by asking, “Well, what about girls who are friends with their ex-boyfriends?” it will seem as if you have nothing else to talk about.

The way to prevent this is to avoid focusing a conversation on only one topic and beating it into the ground. Instead, weave in several topics or stories at once, so that, like Scheherazade, you leave your audience captivated and wanting more. Juggling multiple open loops in a conversation will create the impression that you and the person you met have a lot to talk about.

Here's an example of creating a second thread during an opener, based on material generated during the Challenge by one of your colleagues.

Rather than talking for ten minutes about the Village People, you've started a second conversation in the middle of the opener. So when you're done talking about bracelets and presents, you can avoid an awkward silence by returning to the open loop about the Village People.

The most natural way to add a new thread to a conversation is by spontaneously noticing something new and getting more excited about it than what you were originally talking about.

This may sound artificial, but it happens all the time. Perhaps you're talking to a friend about a woman you met at the bank, but as soon as you name the bank, he interrupts to mention that he has a massive crush on a teller there. Or you're in the middle of a story, an ex-girlfriend suddenly walks past, and you pause to point her out to your friend.

Simply being aware of how to use loops, hooks, and threads can enhance your ability to make a deeper and more exciting connection with someone you've just met. They help create instant rapport, prevent potentially fatal pauses in conversation, and leave her with the impression that you two have a lot to talk about.

Don't forget the moral of
1001 Arabian Nights
. As a species, we thrive on stories and suspense. So experiment with leaving routines unfinished, stories cut off at cliffhangers, and unresolved questions lingering in her head.

It can be as simple as saying, “There are three things I'm attracted to in other people, but I can't tell you the third thing yet because I don't know you well enough.”

You can always choose to close the loop later in the conversation, during a future phone call or meeting, or never. If you leave her wanting more, you'll leave her wanting to see you again.

Finally you may be wondering about the fourth secret to compelling conversation? And I'd like to share that with you. Sometime.

Asking for a phone number can be one of the most difficult parts of an interaction with a woman you've just met. If she declines to give you her number, or instead asks for yours because she claims she doesn't give her phone number to guys, then all your previous efforts to build a connection with her have been in vain.

Even if she likes you, she may still refuse to give you her phone number the first time you ask. This is what's called an automatic or autopilot response: After experiencing repeated clumsy pickup attempts, many women have lines they use, almost by instinct, to politely decline requests for their phone number.

So what's the solution?

Don't ask for the phone number at all.

Today and tomorrow, you'll learn the two keys to exchanging phone numbers without asking.

The first key is seeding, a technique in which you mention a tempting event but do not immediately invite the woman to attend. For example, casually mention a party you're going to, talk about how cool it's going to be, and move on to other topics. Then, later in the interaction, before you're about to leave, decide to invite her to come along.

At some point in conversation with a woman I've met, I may mention my favorite local chef:

“You remember the Soup Nazi episode of
Seinfeld?
Well, this guy is the Sushi Nazi. His menu is only two words, ‘Trust me,' and he just serves you what he wants. If you don't eat it in one bite, he'll stop serving you. If you dip it in soy sauce when he asks you not to, he'll cut you off. And if you dare ask for Americanized sushi, like a California roll, he'll chew you out and kick you out. But it's worth it, because the sushi literally melts in your mouth. The guy is an artist. He never smiles. He's just driven by some compulsion to make the best sushi in the world.”

After I tell the story, I may even mention that I'm going there with friends on Thursday night. The obvious and expected next step would be to ask her immediately to join us. But because it's so obvious, I don't do it. I move on to other subjects and let her wonder why she wasn't invited. Only at the last minute
do I turn to her and say, “Hey, you know what, you should come to the Sushi Nazi with us on Thursday.”

Sure, maybe I could have invited her when I first mentioned the restaurant; maybe she would even have said yes. But the point of the game is to eliminate the word
maybe
as much as possible from interactions with women.

Seeding helps to increase the odds of her saying yes, by avoiding the kind of pressure she might feel when confronted with a sudden invitation—pressure that often triggers a negative autopilot response. Mentioning the event, and then allowing her time to think about whether she wants to go before you get around to inviting her, gives her a chance to come to an affirmative decision on her own. Especially if you've continued to display more great personality, value, and non-neediness along the way. In addition, as you learned on disqualification day, not inviting her when you first mention the event will only increase her desire to go.

Having a pretext for getting together again and a plan set in stone also drastically reduce the chances that she'll flake. Even if she's not sure about you yet, she's more likely to come along anyway, just for the experience. Tagging along with a small group of interesting people to experience the best sushi in the world or check out the funniest comedian who ever lived or go to the coolest dive bar in town is a lot more tempting than just “going for coffee” or “getting together to talk sometime,” which is how many guys ask women out. And compared to an actual date, in which she's trapped all night with a stranger with high expectations, your low-pressure event is a much more appealing option.

Make sure you avoid seeding with events that are complex, far away, or longer than a few hours. People are less likely to say yes to something if the cost of commitment is high.

Once you start seeding compelling plans into a conversation, the phone number exchange and the next meeting will occur effortlessly. Especially after you complete tomorrow's missions.