Ruined by You (15 page)

“Yeah, I think I did,” he said.

“What was it?” I asked, nervous about the answer, but I didn’t know why.

Haden studied me for a while longer. Then his lips parted in a small, genuine, smile.

“I found a beautiful, fire-haired, angel,” he said. His lips pursed, tight, for a second. “I found
you
. At a gas station.”

The river rippled beneath us. The sound was peaceful. My heart pounded so hard in my chest that my body felt numb. For a second, I wondered if Haden was some kind of angel that had been sent to watch over me. Was that possible?

I rested my head against his shoulder, and closed my eyes for a minute.

“Haden?” I said.

“Yes?”

I looked up at him, and a smile spread across my face.

“I think I’m ready to go in the river, now,” I said.

His brightened.

“Yeah?” he asked, his legs already twitching beneath him.

I nodded, quickly.

Haden leapt to his feet, pulling me up along with him. We ran along the top of the little cliff, until Haden found a path sloping down to the river. He turned and began leading me down it.

“Wait,” I said, my thoughts flashing back to the “Restricted Area” sign. “What are you doing? We can’t go in down there. Remember the sign?”

Haden’s feet froze in an instant, and he spun to face me. I hadn’t expected the abrupt stop, and I crashed straight into him.

Haden’s arms wrapped around me, tightly. His strong legs flexed, and he didn’t budge an inch. He held me upright, in his arms, and I managed to get my feet underneath me.

“Do you trust me?” he said.

I stood, trying to compose myself. I nodded. “Yes,” I said.

“Good,” he said, his eyes beaming bright. “Then, keep up, because we’re about to lose control.”

And, just like that, he turned and went bounding down toward the river. In that split second, every single one of my fears washed away. I didn’t care which direction we were running, because I realized that, with Haden by my side, I could never be really lost.

I chased after him as fast as I could. By the time we made it to the river, below, my towel had been lost somewhere along the way.

We crashed into the water at a full sprint. It was colder than I expected, but I didn’t care. All I could focus on was Haden. Somewhere along the way, his Hawaiian shirt had been abandoned. The sun glistened off every curve on his muscular chest, and water slid down his abs, shining brightly.

The river wasn’t deep, there. It came high up on our thighs, but the current was slow. We splashed water at each other, laughing all the while. We crashed into each other, and I toppled into his arms. We fell into the river, and let it carry us a few feet. We emerged, and Haden laughed, and splashed me again. I’d never seen something so beautiful.

When we regained our footing, I felt lifted higher than ever before. It was like I was floating on a cloud, weightless. I wanted to float away to wherever the wind might take me, so long as it Haden could float along with me.

He stood close to me. We balanced against each other. His eyes took all of me in. They traced a line down my frame, and I didn’t hesitate in the slightest. I didn’t shy away from his look. I wanted his eyes on me. I wanted all of him on me.

“So, what comes next?” I asked.

Haden ran his hand through his hair, slicking it out of his eyes. Water dripped everywhere, and I felt my body begin to tremble as it took him in.

“We’re not supposed to know what’s next,” he said.

I couldn’t look away from him. His eyes held me, transfixed. He leaned in closer

Finally
.

I had been wanting this for a long time--so long. Since the moment I first saw him, I realized. I could feel his lips against me before he’d even leaned in. Heat coursed through me, and the cool water of the river didn’t slow it in the slightest.

Haden wrapped an arm around me. His hands were strong, but gentle. I wanted them on me. He tugged me close to him. Our bodies pressed into each other, and my hands clung to his frame.

He looked down at me, both of our fiery green eyes trying to pour into one another. His hand cupped the back of my head, and he began lowering his face to mine.

But then, something happened.

Our lips were only a breath apart. The heat of his breathing washed over the cool water, sending chills down my neck. Those chills spread everywhere. Flashes of a distant time crashed into me. Images of a far off place, a place I thought I’d locked away, somewhere dark, surfaced.

Suddenly, I wasn’t in the river with Haden, anymore. I was somewhere much, much darker.

I could see her in the bedroom. The apartment was small, but I was young and didn’t know any better. The three of us had made it work. When you’re that close, there are no secrets.

She sat on the bed, crying, sobbing. She didn’t know I could see her. With the lights off in the kitchen, I could see through the crack in their door. I could see her crying, but she couldn’t see me.

And, neither could he.

A suitcase lay on the floor next to her. She looked at it with hatred and confusion. He came out of the bathroom and threw a tiny pack into it. It was the pack where he kept his razor. I’d learned to shave my legs with that razor. It was always so sharp.

“Please, John,” she pleaded. “Please, don’t go. I can change. I’ll be better. You know I can be better.”

“You did this to yourself,” he spat, at her. “I should have left you years ago. I never should have married you.”

Haden’s eyes were fixed on my lips. I couldn’t look, or move, away. Every muscle in my body seized, but he didn’t notice. The chills spread outward, again. They pulsed, flooding through me like a current. The heat of his body wasn’t enough, anymore. And the water made it worse.

Haden slid his hand down the back of my neck. He wrapped it around my back, pulling me in tighter. I was so cold. I just wanted him to keep me warm. But he was fading away, again. Disappearing into something else.

I didn’t want him to go.

Why did he have to go?

“I’ll try harder, we can make this work,” she said. She begged, through the snot and the tears that covered her face.

“I’m moving in with Darcy,” he said. “I’m moving in with someone who can love me the way you never could.”

He slammed the suitcase closed. His hands were quick, and the zipper sealed it shut.

“Don’t do this,” she pleaded, again. “Think about Maggie. Don’t leave us.”

“You bitch,” he said, his voice quieting. Somehow that made it scarier. But, everything is scary when you’re that young.

“Don’t you dare bring that girl into this,” he said. “You trapped me in this God-forsaken marriage.”

He picked up the suitcase, and looked at her for a long second.

“I have a better family to think about, now,” he said.

“I never loved you,” he spat.

“Neither of you.”

They didn’t know I was there. They didn’t know I could hear every word they said.

Haden’s head dipped down, and his lips pressed against mine. It was soft at first, then he pressed harder. But, it only lasted a moment. He pulled back, his faced tight with confusion.

Can he tell how cold I am?

As he stood there studying me, he mouthed something. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t hear him. My head tilted to the side as I tried to shake myself free. When I tried to move, my body felt funny. It was like the air around me was made of the stuff in my nightmares. And, it held me in place.

Haden mouthed something else. His face didn’t look as happy, anymore. But I couldn’t hear him.

But, as fast as it had come over me, the funny feeling disappeared. And that was when my body came to life.

I screamed. Tears flooded down my face. I had to get away from there. I had to get somewhere safe. The river wasn’t safe. Not anymore.

“No,” I screamed. I pushed him back, with every ounce of strength. “No,” I screamed again.

The tears were warm compared to the water flowing all around me. Haden’s wet hands lost their grip, and I tumbled into the river. I rolled, turning for the shore. My legs kicked hard, trying to run through the water, the sand, and the rocks. The river wasn’t deep right there, and it wasn’t long before I stumbled out of it.

“Maggie, what is it?” Haden said from somewhere behind me. “What did I do?”

I just need to get away
.
Just go.

With solid ground beneath me, I could move more quickly. I had the wherewithal to grab my clothes and sandals, and even my towel, as I traced along the path we’d taken.

“Maggie, wait,” Haden called. Water splashed around him as he climbed out of the river. “Where are you going? Wait, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

I was at the top of the steep path before he finally caught up to me. With one strong hand, he grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.

“Don’t touch me,” I screamed once, twice.

His hands jerked away, shooting into the air like someone was pointing a gun. His eyes were wide, terrified.

“Please,” I said. “I just need to go.”

“I don’t understand,” he said. “What did I do?”

“Where’s my car?” I said, looking in all directions. “I just need to get back to my car.” I was hopelessly lost. I hadn’t been paying attention where we had walked, and now I was lost with Haden.

Isn’t that what you wanted?

Haden took another step closer, and for a second looked like he was going to put his hand on my shoulder. But, he didn’t. His hand squeezed tightly, once, twice. Then, he lowered it.

“I’ll take you back,” he said, resigned.

“Which direction?” I said, closing my eyes.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Just, point me, in, the right, direction,” I said, deliberately.

“That way,” he said.

I opened my eyes, and saw him pointing behind me. I turned and started running along the trail. As fast as I could go. I needed to get away.

If Haden followed me along the river, I never saw him.

I drove for a long time. I didn’t go anywhere in particular. A realization set in while the road passed beneath me - I didn’t have anywhere to go. Had I
ever
had somewhere to go?

When I lived in Jersey, I had always thought that, if things got bad,
really
bad, I could escape to Texas. Texas was what I’d always considered to be home. But, now that I was here, I didn’t know where to turn. I needed somewhere safe to hide, and I hadn’t found it yet. My soul was without a home.

My thoughts rolled to Sarah. She might know what to say if I told her what happened. But I couldn’t to let her into that part of my life. I’d never let anyone into that part of my life - not even Mom. Sarah was still young, innocent. I couldn’t ruin that.

Mom had done her best to take care of me, but part of me wondered who was taking care of whom? She had been the one crushed when my Dad left, hadn’t she? I was just a young girl, and his disappearance was just the way things were. I hadn’t known him like she had, so that meant it wasn’t as painful for me, right?

I’d built walls around that time in my life, protecting myself and everyone else from the events of that night. Haden had managed to break through those walls, however. He hadn’t slowed one bit when he did. What did that mean? Did it mean he was supposed to be let in? Did it mean that he belonged there with me? Surely, I’d ruined any chance of that happening. I’d been ruining everything I got my hands on, lately. Maybe, I should just stop trying.

I drove until the barest flares of sun illuminated the western sky. It was time to head back to my aunt’s house. I didn’t want anyone to start worrying about me.

The house was empty when I pulled into the driveway. It was exactly what I needed. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to crawl into bed, with every light around me turned off, and hide myself under the covers until I drifted off.

I fell into the deepest sleep imaginable. I dreamed about something, but I don’t remember what. The memory of it faded as fast as it had appeared, but it wasn’t a bad dream. It was just a dream. Something passing. Something to be forgotten.

The next morning I woke up and found Sarah’s bed still empty. The sheets were tossed around, though. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost ten, already.

Wow, I must have really needed the sleep
.

I rubbed my eyes, and realized that I must have slept for the better part of twelve hours. It had been a long time since I’d done that. I washed my face in the bathroom and made my way into the kitchen where I found Sarah, again, perched over her phone.

“Talking with Huck, already?” I said, surprising her. She jumped when she heard me.

“Maggie, you startled me,” she said. She glanced at her phone, then shook he head. “I don’t think he’s up yet. I just can’t stop staring at my phone, waiting for him to text me. I just want to talk to him every minute of every day.”

I gave her a tight smile. “I’m glad to hear everything’s working out,” I said.

“How are things with Haden?” she asked. “What did you two end up doing yesterday? I didn’t hear from you all day.”

I groaned out loud and headed for the coffee pot. I didn’t drink coffee very often, but this morning it felt necessary. Too much sleep left me in a dull haze.

“Did something happen?” she asked, her voice serious.

“You could say that,” I said.

I took a few sips, and let the heat of it burn my throat on the way down. The bitter taste helped wake me up. I felt her eyes on me, wondering what I was going to say. Everything that had happened was almost too embarrassing to share. Looking back on it, I could only imagine just how crazy Haden must think I am.

I groaned again.

“I made a mess of everything,” I said, finally.

Sarah set her phone down and listened to me, intently. I told her all about how Haden had planned the nice trip down to the river--about how he had bought me a bikini. I told her about all of the wonderful things that he had told me while we walked along the river, and about he had held my hand.