Role Play (26 page)

All night, I had planned to tell her the truth this morning. But
her enthusiasm for my
amazing
view and my
amazing
job threw me off. I was accustomed to thinking that without my faux-riches, no woman would want me. It was hard to think otherwise and too easy to slip into that role.

I
had hated letting her go like that this morning, but I was paralyzed by indecision, the words admitting that I had lied to her, had lied to everyone, were on the tip of my tongue.

But
I couldn’t pull the trigger.

Even if she would
date a baggage handler, she wouldn’t forgive me for lying, not on top of finding out that I wasn’t rich or successful. Sierra was an achiever, and she wanted a man who was also making something of himself. Not a grunt stuck in a dead-end job.

I
either had to give her up or tell her.

I couldn’t
keep lying to her so I could keep on kissing her. That wasn’t an option anymore. Last night had proven that to me. And this morning. I wanted her, but my lies stood in the way. Apparently I had enough decency left to finally stop me.

All
evening long, I kept an eye on the clock, and knew when she should be home. That’s when I realized I had forgotten to ask her something.

Grabbing
my phone, I texted her:
Are you home okay?

She answered:
Yes, hanging out with my roommates on the roof.

I forgot to ask
. How did Dick know you were going to the Sanctuary last night?
It was the question that had niggled at me the entire time I carried her home, but in the overwhelming feelings of last night, it had been pushed aside. Then the crushing lies had clogged my mind.

There was a much longer pause
before she replied:
I don’t know. He said Lola wasn’t posting on her profile anymore. Maybe he hoped she would be there.

I
wanted to believe that was true. But it didn’t feel right. None of this felt right.

Before
I could ask her, another text from Sierra came through.
Or maybe he followed me there from work. He was watching our apartment before I moved.

I
took a ragged breath.
Bingo!
Dick was a nasty guy. Only a shithead would stalk his ex and then hurt a girl like Sierra.

I
should have asked these questions last night, but she had shaken me to my core.

I
didn’t want to scare Sierra, but this wasn’t good and it needed to be dealt with. So I texted:
He may have followed you home tonight. You have to be careful.

The silence was telling. Finally she texted back:
Yeah.

That wasn’t enough for
me.
We should report him to the police review board. Cops can’t do that. It will stop him from attacking you again.

Her text
protested:
I can’t get him in trouble. He helped me with Lola for a long time.

I
tightened my lips.
I’ll do it. What’s his last name?

She didn’t answer, and
I wanted to reach through my phone to take it from her. How could she protect an asshole like that?

I
texted again:
Don’t let him get away with this. You can’t. Do you always want to be afraid when you’re walking home at night? They’ll slap him on the wrist and he’ll leave you alone.

After a few moments, she finally answered:
Dick Langstrom
.
He’s a detective.

I
smiled, glad that she listened to me. I had to be sure she was okay. She trusted people too easily. Once again, I had that odd feeling of wanting to protect her from guys like me.

She deserved better.

I’ll let you know after I report it
, I texted back.

Thanks!

I wanted to be sweeter to her. She deserved that. But it was all tangled up in my lies.

First,
I would make sure she was safe. Then I would deal with the mess I had made of our relationship.

I
called the 800-number for civilians to complain about cops. I was surprised that even though it was nearly ten on a Sunday night, I got a response instantly. I described what had happened to the investigator on the line.

Then
I waited on hold for a long time before the investigator came back, and said, “There is no Dick Langstrom or Richard Langstrom who works for the NYPD as a detective or a police officer. Nor as support staff, in any capacity.”

“He isn’t a cop?”
I demanded.

“No. Did
he show you a badge?”

“
No. But my… he may have showed a badge to my girlfriend.” It wasn’t the right word for what we had, but it was the best word that fit.

“
Do you have his phone number or address?” When I admitted I didn’t, she said, “Have your girlfriend report it. Impersonating a police officer is a crime. Give her this number. We’ll need his address or phone number.”

I
hung up, my heart pounding.

Dick had lied
about his job. What did Sierra say—he had helped her with Lola for a “long time.” The whole time he had been lying to them.

It was scary and awful, and yet
I couldn’t shake the knowledge that I was doing the same thing. The exact same thing. I lied to women to get them to sleep with me.

Dick had probably lied to Lola to get her to sleep with him. And then
he built an entire relationship on it. Like I was doing with Sierra.

I
tried to tell myself that I was different—I hadn’t roughed up Sierra. Only I did, in the guise of a scene. I had scared her and took advantage of her naivety because I could. It was only words, but sometimes words were terrible enough.

I should know that better than anyone.

I found myself clutching my hair and staring at my hateful view. My lying view that told women so much without me saying a word. A rumor and a lucky apartment had helped me slide into becoming a monster.

Who was
I kidding? No kid as unloved as me could grow up and be able to act like a real human being. It didn’t take beatings and starvings to warp a kid. It just took people who had better things to do than pay attention to you.

So
I decided to be something I wasn’t, so that women would want to be with me.

Including Sierra.

As much as I wanted to run far and fast from all of this—my usual solution any time it got too real—this time I was worried about Sierra. I knew my own motivations. But what was Dick capable of? What if Dick was outside her place right now, hoping she’d come out and he could intimidate Lola’s address out of her?

I
had to tell her about Dick. I had to see how she took it when she found out that Dick was lying to them.

I
couldn’t wait because she might be in danger from that asshole. She had to know what she was dealing with right now so she could take steps to protect herself.

I
was on the street and nearly at the subway before I realized I needed to let Sierra know I was coming. I texted:
Stay there. I’m coming to see you.

Instantly, she replied:
Why, what’s wrong?

I
couldn’t tell her by text. I had to see her when I told her.
In subway now,
I texted back.

Only three stops in,
I got out of the station and ran two blocks over to the G train in Broadway station. It was only six stops in all—ridiculously close—except for double fair and the need to go outside in a dicey neighborhood to change stations.

Still, it was fast even though it was inconvenient.
I was eager to tell Sierra about this easy way to get to her place from mine… and then realized that she probably wouldn’t be needing it once I confessed.

When
I got out of the underground G train, she had texted me her address. I didn’t like the looks of the five blocks between the subway station and her place. The trees blocked the street lights so there were lots of shadows. Cars were parked along the streets where anyone could lurk.

I
didn’t see anything suspicious on her street. But the address she had given me was a giant warehouse with a mural splashed across the lower half to discourage more random graffiti. I checked the number again, sure it must be wrong. But it wasn’t. I couldn’t imagine Sierra living in a place like this.

The black door wasn’t latched closed, so
I was able to walk right in from the street. That meant Dick could get in.

I
pulled it shut firmly behind me, making sure the automatic bolt engaged.

Music floated down from the top floor. It was
too dark in the stairwell, another strike against the place.

The door to the second floor was locked, thankfully.
I knocked.

Sierra opened it. All
I could see was her, as I gave her a tight hug. I hadn’t meant to touch her, but I couldn’t help myself. The short, floaty dress she wore with her bare feet was intoxicating. But it made the ace bandage on her ankle even more noticeable.

I
hadn’t banked on the affect she had on me. How could I tell her that Dick had betrayed her sister, knowing I was betraying her right now?

When
I released Sierra, a tall, black woman came closer. I realized she was trans. Another guy with crazy cork-screw curls was lying on one of the couches in the big room, grinning and waving as Sierra introduced them as Candice and Jake.

“Did you know the door downstairs was stuck open?”
I asked. “I was able to come right in.”

“The jamb swells in the heat sometimes,” Jake said, still grinning.

It irritated me that he was taking it so lightly. “Anyone could get in. Sierra was attacked by a guy last night who’s trying to find her sister.”

“We know.” Candice gave Jake a hard look. “Go put a sign up reminding everyone to pull the door shut.”

Still smiling, Jake went to do as she ordered.

“What did you find out?” Sierra asked
me. Candice crossed her arms, listening.

“Dick’s not a cop,”
I said. “The NYPD has no record of him working there.”

Sierra’s
dawning horror was even worse than I had imagined. It went over her in waves as more and more of his lies came back to her.

“He brought
Lola home in handcuffs!” Sierra exclaimed. “He said he could arrest her.”

Candice didn’t seem to be as surprised. “Cops take people to
jail
in handcuffs. They don’t take them home.”

Sierra’s mouth was still open in shock. “Are you sure
, Victor?”

“The
civilian review board is sure,” Vic said.

“I have to tell my sister
.” Sierra started texting as she said, “I don’t know if she’ll listen to a message from me. I’m telling her:
Dick isn’t a cop. He followed me last night and jumped me, trying to get your address. Call me.
”

Sierra pressed send, then clutching the phone silently, walked over to the couches. Candice watched after her, as did
I. Sierra stood there staring into the other end of the loft, waiting for her sister to respond.

Her phone rang and s
he answered it on the first ring. My heart sank at her broken voice as Sierra said, “Lola, I just found out that Dick isn’t a cop!”

Like one, both Candice and
I stepped closer. We couldn’t hear every word, but enough of Lola’s high pitched cursing came through to make it clear how mad she was.

I
felt like I was taking body blows, watching Sierra remember that first night when Dick had brought Lola home in handcuffs. Actually in handcuffs! And threatened her with jail. Sierra’s voice broke again at how she thought it was the most romantic thing that love at first sight had kept Dick from ruining Lola’s life.

“He’s
a jerk!” Lola shouted, loud enough to be heard through the phone. “I
told
you he was a jerk, but you kept telling me how
nice
he was to me. He wasn’t nice! He was jealous and he never wanted to do anything but keep me locked up in his crappy apartment.”

Candice’s brows were raised high listening to
them. Even Jake returned, and a washed-out blond woman was peeking out from the middle door in the row along one wall, as if drawn out by the noise. Sierra was so aghast by Dick’s betrayal that she didn’t know she was sharing it with everyone.

“Lola, you have to report him to for impersonating a cop,”
Sierra said into the phone to her sister.

“No way
!” Lola shouted, again loud enough to be heard. “I’m done with that screwball. And you better be, too!”