Richard Yates (19 page)

“She didn’t look at my MySpace photos. I look at photos of her a lot.” He masturbated to internet porn using a different browser. He reset the browser’s cache. About an hour later he walked to the bus stop. Dakota Fanning stepped off the bus. They walked holding hands toward her house. Dakota Fanning asked what he did today. “After I left the bus stop I worked on a to-do list and did push-ups in my room until your mom left,” he said. “Then I made coffee and drank it with ice and soymilk and did things on the computer. I worked on editing. I ate the pasta bowl you made me. Then I drew things for you and taped them to places in your room. Then I made peas and ate it with nutritional yeast and olive oil. I made a smoothie also. Then I vacuumed downstairs and upstairs and cleaned the computer room a little. Then I washed dishes and made you a smoothie mhp-yates-01.indd 151

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and came to the bus stop.” Dakota Fanning showed Haley Joel Osment drawings she did of violinists that came to her school that day to perform for everyone. Haley Joel Osment said he liked the drawings and was quiet and then said “I looked at your internet browser’s history today.”

“What did it say?” said Dakota Fanning looking

ahead.

“It just said you looked at Matt Dixon’s MySpace page and clothes and pictures of yourself.”

“Oh,” said Dakota Fanning and was quiet for about ten seconds.

“Did you do anything else today that you didn’t say?”

she said.

“No,” said Haley Joel Osment with a very neutral facial expression. “Except like answering emails and reading blogs.” They walked past a few houses without talking.

Some trees had leaves that were becoming yellow and orange. Haley Joel Osment remembered when Dakota Fanning said on the phone a few months ago that her family had planned to move to a different town but her mother decided to add a second fl oor instead. “It said you looked up vomit inducers,” he said walking across her front yard.

“Why did you look up vomit inducers?” he said at her front door.

“I don’t know,” said Dakota Fanning going in her

house. “I was just curious. I wasn’t going to actually get one or anything.” She gave Haley Joel Osment a cup of water.

She unrolled her Pilates mat on the living room fl oor. She began to do Pilates to a DVD. Haley Joel Osment walked to the post offi ce. He mailed batteries in fl at-rate priority envelopes to Mexico and Tennessee. He walked for about mhp-yates-01.indd 152

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three minutes. He went in Dakota Fanning’s house. Dakota Fanning was doing leg stretches. He went upstairs and sat in front of the computer.

“It said you looked up bulimia on the internet,” he said a few hours later in bed. “Why did you look up bulimia?”

Dakota Fanning’s head was on his chest. She was quiet for about twenty seconds and then said she had been throwing up after she ate. Haley Joel Osment petted her hair a few seconds. He asked how often she threw up. She said just a few times. Haley Joel Osment calmly asked more questions.

Dakota Fanning said she had been lying about what she ate. She had been eating some of the food she made each morning for Haley Joel Osment. She had eaten her mother’s Halloween candy when Haley Joel Osment was at the post offi ce.

“You waited until I went to the post offi ce and then ate the candy?”

“Yes,” said Dakota Fanning.

“What if I forgot something and came back?”

“I didn’t think about that.”

“What candy did you eat?” said Haley Joel Osment.

“A peanut butter cup and a caramel thing.”

“What was the caramel thing?”

“Just some shitty caramel thing,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I don’t even know what it was.”

“Did it taste good?” said Haley Joel Osment petting her arm and shoulder softly.

“Yes,” she said.

“Was it vegan?”

“I don’t think so, no, it wasn’t vegan.”

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Haley Joel Osment asked if she lied about anything else.

She said she lied when she said she only threw up a few times. She had been throwing up almost every day but only once a day. Haley Joel Osment said to tell him everything she had lied about. She said she was afraid and embarrassed and that she felt bad. “It’s okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Just don’t lie to me from now on.” He asked if there were more things she had lied about. She said she had to think.

She said she was still thinking. After about two minutes she said she was still thinking. Haley Joel Osment stared at the wood ceiling fan thinking that now he would only focus on helping Dakota Fanning get better and making her feel happy and comfortable. He thought that he didn’t feel confused. He felt meaningful. Dakota Fanning said some more things she had lied about. Haley Joel Osment said she should tell him everything she had lied about so there wouldn’t be any lies between them. He asked her to go through all their emails and Gmail chats and fi nd all the lies and write them in one email to him. She said she would do that. He said she should eat and do whatever she wanted from now on and not worry about making him upset and not throw up even if she ate something bad.

“Okay,” she said. “I won’t throw up anymore.”

A few days later Dakota Fanning’s mother drove Haley Joel Osment to the restaurant. He and Dakota Fanning carried things he bought from the health food store upstairs into his room. “Thank you for helping me this week,” said Dakota Fanning. “You’re welcome,” said Haley Joel Osment. “How do you feel?” Dakota Fanning said she felt good. They kissed and she undid his belt and they had sex for about two minutes and she went downstairs into her mhp-yates-01.indd 154

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mother’s car. The next night Haley Joel Osment emailed that he was a little sad she didn’t email him that morning.

Dakota Fanning emailed that she was worried throughout the day at school about not emailing him in the morning. “I should have gotten up earlier,” she said. “I’m writing about it in my book before I sleep. I cried in the kitchen tonight while thinking about how lonely you must have felt.”

That night on Gmail chat Haley Joel Osment asked

what she did that morning.

“I did sit ups in the bathroom then showered.”

“Then what,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Then I went to the computer but my mom was using it so I went downstairs and ate cereal and took my vitamins.”

“I thought you made pasta last night?”

“I did but I brought it with me to eat in the car.”

“Did you lie to me today or last night?”

“Yes,” said Dakota Fanning.

Haley Joel Osment quickly typed “what” without thinking then felt confused and a little dizzy as he stared at what Dakota Fanning had typed.

“I lied about the pasta,” she said.

“What’s that,” said Haley Joel Osment. “What.”

“I didn’t make it last night and eat it today. I had cereal for breakfast, carrot soup and beets for lunch, and then seaweed salad later.” Haley Joel Osment quoted an email Dakota Fanning sent last night that said “When I got home I got my laundry and folded it then put it away, cleaned the kitchen, your bathroom, cooked dinner and made soybean pasta for tomorrow” and asked if it was a lie.

“Yes. I only got my laundry and then I ate a lot of cereal and threw up.”

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throw up even if you ate something bad.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning.

“And you lied when you told me in bed that you

wouldn’t lie anymore.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning.

“If you stopped lying I could help you with throwing up. But since you continued to lie after saying you wouldn’t lie I don’t think I can be with you anymore. I really can’t be with you.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning. “I can change.”

“Did you write anything for throwing up,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“No, I should do it for that. I will do it for that.”

“We aren’t dating anymore,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I still need to go to your house so I can get to the airport,”

he said about going to Georgia and Florida in about a week for writing-related things and to visit his mother. “You don’t ever want to talk to me again after you leave, or not until I have worked and changed on my own?” said Dakota Fanning. “I asked you to your face if you would throw up again,” said Haley Joel Osment. “And you told me in bed that you wouldn’t lie again.”

“I will not throw up again,” said Dakota Fanning. “That is not a lie. I will not do it again. When you stayed with me the last week I improved a lot. You probably won’t think so because I lied but I was able to admit that I lied. I wasn’t able to do that before. I didn’t throw up while you were here. I don’t feel like binge eating when we’re together. You were happy when you were here. I was doing much better.

It is possible.”

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“What else have you lied about today and yesterday?”

“I didn’t just buy the vegan burgers and tomato and soymilk yesterday but I bought cereal and a bag of candies and I ate the cereal and candies and then threw up. Then today I didn’t do sit-ups before I showered in the morning.

I didn’t exercise when I got home. I didn’t just get seaweed salad but I got vegetables and noodles and rice and I ate the vegetables and noodles and rice and my mom’s cookies and cereal and fruit snacks and a popcorn ball and then threw up and saved the seaweed salad for tomorrow when I would have a normal day without throwing up. And during the day I ate a granola bar and Oreos in the car.”

“What else did you lie about? You lied even after you said ‘I won’t lie anymore’ just a few minutes ago.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Just tell me everything you lied about right now.”

“I am. I think I have said everything but I am thinking still. That is everything. I didn’t lie about anything else except things in emails and chats and I’m going to email you those.”

“Did you throw up while I was there?”

“During this time or in the past?”

“Both,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I didn’t throw up during this time and I have only thrown up once while you were here and that was one time when I went to ride my bike to exercise and I bought food at Shop Rite and threw up after eating it behind Shop Rite and then when I got home I threw up the rest while you were still in bed. I lied when I told you I threw up before I met you. I had only done it like 3 times I think from when I was 13 until I met you. I also lied at how much I was mhp-yates-01.indd 157

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doing it. I think I told you I was only doing it like once a day every other day. In the beginning it was like that and then when it was the worst I was throwing up 3–4 times a day every day.”

“What were you thinking about when you bought the

candy yesterday?”

“I was thinking ‘don’t do this, please don’t do this’ and I debated whether or not it was better to buy this trail mix stuff I bought before and ate a lot of instead of the candies and thought about if I did throw up which would be easier to throw up and which would be better if I couldn’t throw up everything and I knew the trail mix would be better but I didn’t control myself.”

“What were you thinking in the car after you left my room?”

“I was thinking ‘I want to get vegan burgers and tomatoes for Haley so when he comes back on the weekend I can make him that to eat because he said he liked it a lot.’”

“I told you it was okay for you to eat whatever you want,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Did you remember that when you threw up yesterday and today?”

“Yes, I remembered that, but I didn’t take it literally because I thought you still wanted me to eat the way I was eating with you and would complain about me doing less if I ate more.”

“Did you throw up in Florida?”

“No. I wasn’t throwing up then I don’t think.”

“Here is the order of how bad things are,” said Haley Joel Osment. “From most bad to least bad: lying, throwing up, binge eating. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I understand. I just remembered that I drank a banana and cream iced smoothie thing from Starbucks.”

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“You ordered what from Starbucks, what is that.”

“I don’t even know what it was, some processed artifi -

cial shit. It tasted like bananas and had the consistency of a smoothie. It had milk in it I’m sure.”

“I’m so sad,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I want to make you happy. I don’t want you to feel alone. I lied when I said I cried in the kitchen because I was sad from how lonely you must feel. I was crying because I thought about how good you are and how I wanted to change and stop throwing up but I felt afraid to say it because it sounded like a movie.”

“I don’t know what to do,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I’m going to sleep. You should change whether I’m with you or not. Either change or kill yourself. I’m going to sleep.”

“Yes, I agree,” said Dakota Fanning.

Haley Joel Osment lay on his bed with his eyes closed feeling very alert. “It makes me so sad the fi rst thing you did after you left my room last night when we were happy was binge and vomit and then lie to me,” he said in an email about thirty minutes later. “I want to help you. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t even think about anything else but how to help you. Can I come over? I want to come over as soon as I can. I thought about what you could do, based on what I did in high school when I did therapy, and I wrote 4 paragraphs for you to read out loud.”