Richard Yates (17 page)

I think for a long time I said I liked you but I didn’t really know what I was doing. I know all you want is to be happy with me because you really do like me a lot.

I’m very stupid, why aren’t I doing more for someone I think is so good and kind and that I like. I’m also hurting myself when I don’t do what I say, when I don’t exercise more or eat right. You think I like that better than you but I’m very unhappy when I do that. Being lazy and a cheese beast is no different than doing drugs. It takes a long time to stop even if the person is unhappy. If I really preferred being an asshole and a cheese beast I would have left you.”

They continued typing things on Gmail chat.

Around 2:30 a.m. Haley Joel Osment was confused a few minutes then said “I do know what I’m talking about, but it’s too hard to explain. I don’t care if you don’t sleep and get a cold. A parent would care about that, or a couple that has been together for like 40 years and is only with each other because they are used to it. If you’ve just met someone you’re aware that it would make each of you happier to stay up all night and get sick than to sleep and not get sick.

So that is what happens. Later it gets boring and they stay together only as place-holders.”

“That is a good way to explain,” said Dakota Fanning.

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consequences later than never do anything and have life be boring.”

“So I wouldn’t stop you if you wanted to go running today for two hours and maybe get a cold later, because I would know that you would be happier doing that, and happiness is all that matters really,” said Haley Joel Osment feeling vaguely confused. “If you have a cold and are happy it is better than not having a cold and being unhappy. I mean I would know you would be happier doing that if I know that you really mean what you say, about wanting to do things like that. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore I think. I’m going to pee and make a smoothie.”

About ten minutes later he said “I want to feel pressured in the same way you feel pressured now. If you kept wanting to drink coffee and stay up I would feel pressured and also want to drink coffee, or if you went running instead of complaining about being fat I would feel pressured to do things that would make you happier. I want to feel pressured in that way. But you’re right. I stay with you because I do pretty much believe you want that also.”

“Because you don’t get angry when I tell you,” he said.

“Where are you,” he said. “Are you still there.”

“I’m here. I’m just thinking and putting everything in a word document to read again. As usual there isn’t much I can say. I can just read what you say and then think and do things and think about what I’m doing and whether or not it would make you happy or make you feel like I don’t like you as much as you like me.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m not angry, I just wanted to try to fi nd out more.” A few minutes later he said he really expected her to stay up all night last night to make mhp-yates-01.indd 136

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the stuffed dog for his mother. “I don’t know,” he said.

Dakota Fanning said she was going to try to get her mother to bring her to Wal-Mart before the airport so she could buy materials to make the stuffed dog in Texas. She said she was also sending fl owers to Haley Joel Osment’s mother. “I should have already done it,” she said. “You’re right.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t run to Wal-Mart today to get the materials,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Or why you didn’t have an overwhelming urge to do that.”

“I’m fucked,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Did you see what I typed,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Not past ‘I don’t know.’ What did you say.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t run to Wal-Mart today to get the materials. Or why you didn’t have an overwhelming urge to do that. It’s like there is a blue pen, a blue and red pen, and a red pen in front of a person and they say they like the blue pen most. But they always use the red pen and then say ‘sorry, next time I will choose the blue and red pen.’ Never mind. I know it’s hard for you to change. I think I’m not upset as long as I know you’re trying and still want to do it and don’t get angry at me when I show how your actions don’t match your words. But I still get upset and frustrated.”

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’ve copied and pasted things to read. And I’m going to take my orange notebook with me whenever I go places and I am going to write down what I’m thinking and keep the things you’ve said in there.

My mom will be awake in 15 minutes or so. I want to shower and get dressed so I can help her get everything done in time to leave early so I can get materials from Wal-Mart.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Is there anything else you want to say.”

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Dakota Fanning thanked him for being patient and

spending time to make her CDs. She said she missed him.

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning called from Texas one night saying that at dinner with her mother’s co-workers everyone at the table including an obese party girl lectured her about college and veganism for a long time after she said school was stupid.

Haley Joel Osment said she shouldn’t tell party girls or cheese beasts things like that. One night she called crying and said she ate the vegetables off a pizza and threw up.

“Her reaction seems worse than what she did,” thought Haley Joel Osment after the call. “She is really trying to change, so it is affecting her a lot, maybe.” Dakota Fanning returned to New Jersey August 13 and emailed Haley Joel Osment photographs from her digital camera of things in Texas including an advertisement for “cheese curds” that showed ten things in a box and said “curiously delicious.”

She began using her mother’s exercise machine and

emailing Haley Joel Osment photos showing how long she exercised and how many calories the machine said she burned.

* * *

He recorded drums over a Chopin étude. He recorded a mhp-yates-01.indd 138

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twenty-two-minute drum solo for Dakota Fanning to listen to while exercising. He drove to Wal-Mart, Kmart, Walgreens, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Albertsons, CVS

and stole Moleskine notebooks and Energizer e2 Lithium batteries and hearing-aid batteries to sell on eBay. One afternoon in his room he organized a large pile of stolen goods into a square, photographed it many times, emailed one photo to Dakota Fanning. He visited his father in jail twice a week with his mother whose plans had changed and was no longer leaving America. One night in Barnes & Noble Haley Joel Osment picked up five large Moleskine notebooks and walked outside and put them in the Honda CRV, went in Barnes & Noble, picked up five large Moleskine notebooks, walked outside, ran to the Honda CRV. Four or five employees ran out of Barnes & Noble shouting things. Haley Joel Osment put his head very low in the Honda CRV. After about a minute he drove out of the parking lot with a neutral facial expression thinking “Yes” and sometimes

“Victory.” He drove home listening to music very loud with the windows down.

During the two months Haley Joel Osment was in Florida he visited Dakota Fanning twice.

His fi rst visit was in late August. He arrived at night and Dakota Fanning met him on the platform wearing a blue dress and high heels. He hugged her and said her body felt warm and that she looked sexy. They walked past the playground to the Delaware River and lay on their backs on the concrete slab and asked each other questions about people they liked in elementary and middle school. “I feel extremely alert and calm and interested,” thought Haley mhp-yates-01.indd 139

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Joel Osment. “I haven’t felt this way before while with someone I think. The moonlight here seems like sunlight a little.” They kissed and began to touch each other. Dakota Fanning said people would see. Haley Joel Osment said it would be good if people saw. “I’m sorry,” said Dakota Fanning later. “I was being scared again.” They rented a car and drove to the top of a mountain and to New York City.

They baked organic vegan biscuits for Aladdin. They went in the woods to look at tadpoles and had sex by a pond and Dakota Fanning removed her underwear which had a little blood on it from the end of her period. Haley Joel Osment said they should put it in the mailbox of the person who raped her and she grinned and said “No, that’s mean” and Haley Joel Osment felt strange and calm and very quiet a few hours. Their last night together they went to the ledge around midnight and had sex. “Did your mom ever see your room on Wall Street?” said Dakota Fanning on the street walking to her house.

“No,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” said Dakota Fanning.

“It was good,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I liked it,” said Dakota Fanning.

“We’ll never be in that room again,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Japan has a lot of rooms without windows probably,”

said Dakota Fanning.

A police car came toward and went past them.

“What if the policeman yelled ‘fuck you’ at us?” said Haley Joel Osment.

In Dakota Fanning’s room they listened to music and said the names of people they both knew and then drew mhp-yates-01.indd 140

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those people at the same time and then showed each other what they had drawn. Haley Joel Osment saw something in the corner and held it a little while Dakota Fanning was in the bathroom. It was the heart monitor she stole a few weeks ago. She hadn’t brought it to his apartment. “I never asked about it,” thought Haley Joel Osment. “She probably thought I thought it was stupid that she wanted it.” Around 3:00 a.m. they left for the train platform. Haley Joel Osment walked without touching or looking at Dakota Fanning. He was thinking that she didn’t offer to carry his bag. She had offered other times and was now doing less. Next time she would do even less. “Don’t think that,” he thought staring ahead. “Should I not think that? What should I think then?”

Dakota Fanning stopped walking and cried on the sidewalk with her arms at her sides. Haley Joel Osment turned and walked to her and said “Think about what you want to do then either do it or don’t do it, just choose something and do it.” She carried Haley Joel Osment’s bag with her shoulder and held him and looked at his face with an expectant facial expression as they walked toward the train. He did not look at her or reciprocate her touch. After a few minutes he looked at her and said “Thank you for carrying my bag” and they walked to the train with their arms around each other.

His second visit was in mid-September. Dakota Fanning had bought a fi sh and he asked why she did that if she didn’t have time to do other things. The next afternoon he said more things about the fi sh. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” said Dakota Fanning. “I went to feed it this morning and it was fl oating upside-down.” They looked for room-for-rent fl yers mhp-yates-01.indd 141

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in diners and cafés using Dakota Fanning’s mother’s car which she had begun letting Haley Joel Osment drive. They found someone named Sean Strub who was renting two rooms above an upscale restaurant he was reopening soon.

The restaurant had a gravel parking lot and was in a forested area by a river. Haley Joel Osment chose the smaller room. “I’m happy you’re moving here,” said Dakota Fanning on the drive to her house.

“Me too,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Sean Strub.”

“I’m sorry I never found you an apartment before.”

“It’s okay, you tried,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Don’t worry.”

He patted her thigh and leaned toward her and they kissed.

As they were leaving the car Dakota Fanning sang lyrics to a song they had been listening to on repeat. In the kitchen she smiled at Haley Joel Osment and gave him a cup of water. Haley Joel Osment held the cup and said he felt bad when she sang the lyrics. She stopped smiling and looked down without moving her head. “I wasn’t thinking,”

she said after a few seconds.

“I know,” said Haley Joel Osment. “People sing like that when they aren’t focused on anyone except themselves.

It makes the people around them feel alone. Do you understand why a person would feel bad about that?”

Haley Joel Osment went to Florida and put things on eBay and read a Richard Yates novel that ended with an alco-holic man’s ex-wife visiting him in a mental hospital asking what he’ll do when he leaves, causing him to display a confused facial expression because he had not considered ever mhp-yates-01.indd 142

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leaving, after which a nurse wheels him to his room. Haley Joel Osment returned to New Jersey after about a week and stayed a few days in Dakota Fanning’s brother’s room. Dakota Fanning’s brother had returned to college. Dakota Fanning’s mother had offered the room to Haley Joel Osment for $300 a month but he and Dakota Fanning had decided it was better if he lived somewhere else. His room above the restaurant was $400 a month and about a twelve-minute drive to Dakota Fanning’s house and a ten-minute walk to the closest town which had a health food store, a post of-fi ce, a restaurant called Chang Mao. Dakota Fanning said she could ride her bike to visit Haley Joel Osment each day after school. She said her mother wouldn’t let her but she could do it anyway. Haley Joel Osment thought he could walk to her house some days. “It would take maybe eighty minutes,” he thought. “I would listen to music while walking.” October 1