Revenge Of A Band Geek Gone Bad (33 page)

###

Though I wanted to have our talk right then and there, I decided to wait until he was back at school.  It just didn't seem fair for me to pick a fight with someone who was still healing from serious injuries.  But pretending that everything was okay was using up all of my energy.  While I was at his place, I'd smile and nod and play the role of the perfect girlfriend.  Once I left, though, I literally had to scream to release all of my frustrations.  A couple of times I nearly slipped, almost called him out on what he'd done to his "friend," Ken —- and to me.  The longer I put off our talk, the more my anger toward him festered.

It was during this time that I finally began to find the artistic "voice" that Mr. Wilson had encouraged me to seek.  Instead of confronting Josh in person, I used my paints to do the talking.  I smashed my brush against the canvas, streaking it with reds and blacks and browns.  The colors jumbled together in a mass of darkened shades, reflecting my disappointment, disillusionment and sadness.

Eventually Josh was well enough so that he could go to school without the risk of getting hurt again.  When he arrived —- still wearing casts and hobbling in on crutches —- everyone cheered.  "He's alive!" 
one
of the trumpet players joked as Josh smiled and waved at everyone.  "Hallelujah, it's a miracle!"

"Mel, can you believe this?" Josh said.  He grinned
,  obviously
loving the attention.  "I didn't think people would miss me so much."

"Yeah, well, I guess they do," I said, but couldn't share his enthusiasm.

The one trumpeter who wasn't joining in the celebration was Ken.  He just gave Josh a long look as he passed by and shook his head.  I shot Ken a little wave to let him know that he could still trust me.

By the end of the week, I'd had it.  I was sick of everyone fawning over Josh and treating him as if he were some kind of hero.  And I was even
more sick
of him believing the hype.  I realized it was time to let him know that I knew all about him and Ken.  If I didn't say something, I'd burst.

###

I decided to bring up the subject that day after school.  Since Josh still couldn't drive, Lily picked us up.  "I'm sorry, Mom, I know you must be getting tired of taking me everywhere," Josh said.  "I can't wait until I can drive again."

Lily shook her head.  "Don't worry about it.  I just figure that you'll owe me some favor in the future."  She peered at me through the mirror.  "Mel, sweetie, are you alright?  You're being awfully quiet back there."

"Oh, uh, yeah, I'm fine," I muttered.  Truthfully, I wasn't.  My stomach was in knots. 

Once we were at their house, Lily started to help Josh up the walkway.  "No, I can get it,” he said, as he grabbed his crutches.  He slowly clomped toward the front door, but made it all the way.  "See?" 
he
said.  "I'm getting so much better with all the practice."

Lily's smile broadened.  It was clearly a relief for her to see that her son was able to walk.

When we were inside and settled, Lily bolted so she could make her shift at the diner.  Josh moved closer to me on the couch and slung his arm around me.  "So," he said, kissing my lips.  "I love my mom, but I'm glad she's gone."

"Yeah," I said.  I didn't kiss him back.

Josh frowned and pulled away.  "What's up, Mel?  You're acting like something's bothering you."  He tried to kiss me again, but I wouldn't even look at him.  "What's going on?" 
he
repeated.  "Did something happen at school today?"  His eyes narrowed.  "Was it Kathy?  Did she say something to you because if she did..."

"Stop it!"  I yelled, hopping up from the couch.  He looked at me, his mouth open.  "I can't take this anymore."

"Mel..."  Josh began.  "I wish you'd tell me what the deal is.  You're acting weird today and it's getting me worried here."  He patted the seat next to him.  "Come on.  You know you can tell me anything, right?"

I didn't join him.  "Well, obviously you don't tell
me
everything," I shot back.

"What do you mean?"

"I
know
," I said in a low voice.  "I know all about Ken and Kathy and the video, and how you orchestrated the whole thing."

Josh didn't say anything for a few seconds, but looked up at me, his eyes wide.  "Who told you?" 
he
whispered.

"Ken.”

Josh grunted and shook his head.  "Damn it!  I never should've trusted him!"

"What?"  I replied.  "Are you
kidding
me?  If anything, Ken's the one who shouldn't have trusted you.  You blackmailed him!"

"I did not!  He went along with me on his own."

"Because you made him feel threatened, Josh.” 

Josh sighed.  “I didn’t threaten him.  I would
never
out someone.  Really, do you think I’d do that, especially to a friend?  He
volunteered
to help me!  I just ... I just figured that if he dumped Kathy, he’d have nothing to lose.  But I did
not
blackmail him.”

“Okay,” I said, “but what you planned to do to Kathy was still obnoxious.  How could you play with someone's emotions like that?"

"She had it coming, Mel.  She and those idiots hurt you.  And this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this.  She put my picture up online.  She put up yours and she’ll probably do it to someone else.  I figured that if she got a taste of her own medicine, maybe she’d stop." 
             

"But I told you that I don't think she was the one who took those photos."

"If it was Kathy or Tamara, does it matter?"  Josh asked.  His eyes flashed.  "They’re one in the same.  And I thought you hate her.  Why are you defending her?"

"I don't love her or anything, but I don't want to sink to her and Tamara's level, either."

"But she was laughing at you.  She needs to be knocked off that pedestal so she can't hurt people anymore."

"I've handled her pretty well, I think," I said.  "Kathy pretty much leaves me alone these days."

"For now.
  It doesn't change what she did to you before."

"So doing something even worse is going to fix it?  Josh, what happened to that whole lecture about getting revenge?"

"That was different," he said.  "That was about you.  That’s why I didn’t tell you about this.  I didn’t want to get you involved in this whole thing, get you mixed up in my plans.  I was trying to protect you."

"I don’t need you to protect me."

"Look," Josh said softly.  “I was just trying to be a good boyfriend.  What’s wrong with that?”

I tried to control my anger.  "You still
lied
to me.  Every time I asked you about your plan with Ken, you changed the subject.  You knew I'd be upset."

"I didn’t realize that you were keeping score,” he snapped. “I figured you'd see how much better life was for you after Kathy took a fall.  And then after that, the accident happened and well...”

"I know you’ve had a lot on your mind," I said, trying to stay calm.  "I know it's been tough.  And I want to be here for you.  But this is serious.  What if Kathy learned you were behind this video?  She could probably sue you."

"I seriously doubt that, Mel.  You're overreacting."

"Yeah, but you probably would've been expelled."

Josh shrugged.  "Whatever.  I can live without school."

"Well, then what if you'd died from the car hitting you?  Then what would I have done?"  I shouted.

"Nothing.
  I lived," he said bitterly.  "I got hit by a car and have spent the last couple of months in a fucking wheelchair.  Does it really matter if I told some lies?  The video never got posted, anyway.  Why bother with the 'What Ifs
?,
' Can’t we just move on?"

I fiddled with the hem on the pillow, wishing that I could express myself better.  Nothing I said seemed to be getting through to him.

"Josh, please just tell me that you know that what you were
planning
to do was wrong," I pleaded.  "Just tell me that and I'll drop it and forget about it.  I promise."

"I’m not a child; I know right from wrong, so don’t speak to me as if I don’t," he retorted.  "But sometimes doing something wrong
is
right.  I did it because the last thing I ever wanted to see was my girlfriend humiliated.  I was just doing what I thought would help you." 

"You undermined me," I explained.  "This whole thing with Kathy taught me that I don't need to do stupid things to stand up for myself; that by just being strong I can get the upper hand.  You saw for yourself how I took care of myself and how I got other students to respect me."  I wiped some tears from my eyes.  "By going behind my back like that, it shows that you didn't respect me, that you didn't think I could handle it."

"I never said or thought that,” Josh argued.  “I
do
respect you.  That’s exactly why I did all this –- because I only want the best for you.  Besides, there are two sides to this,” he added.  “It was not so long ago that
you
were all gung-ho about getting back at Kathy.  And now you’re acting like I’m the only one who’s done something here?"

"Hey, isn't the fact that your body is all busted up enough evidence that your plan blew up in your face?"

"You’re not exactly innocent," he pointed out.  "You claim to feel guilty for getting into that orchestra over Kathy, yet I've never seen you come even close to confessing the truth.  You're willing to say you're upset by it, but you're still planning to be in it, right?  And then meanwhile, you accepted first chair again, even though Kathy was clearly having a bad day.  You claim to feel bad that Kathy entered a relationship with Ken under false pretenses, but I don't see you going to tell her the truth about that, either.  I don’t think it’s really fair for you to ream me out when you’re still taking advantage of everything that I’ve done ... that
we’ve
done.”

"Know what?"  I said in a calm voice.  "I don't need this.  I’m out of here."

Josh’s face softened.  “Wait, Mel,” he said, “Please don’t leave.  I’m sorry, okay?  Let’s just talk about this...”

"I don’t think there’s anything to discuss.  I think I need a break from you right now.”

“Don’t go,” he repeated.  “I love you!  I’ve never told anyone that before, but I do.  Don’t you get it?  That’s what this is about, that’s why I was trying so hard to take care of things for you...”

"I do love you, Josh," I said, shivering.  "But I don't think you love me.  Not in the way you're supposed to, anyway.  What you did was just ugly.  Ugly and deceitful!  Don't go thinking that you're some sort of martyr.  And you're certainly
not
my hero."

I stood there staring at him for a moment, my mouth open.  I was about to apologize, to suggest that we pretend this fight never happened, but Josh just stared back at me, his eyes brimming with tears.  Before I could change my mind, I stormed out the door, letting it slam behind me, as Josh watched me from his couch.  When I was far enough away from his house, I vomited in the bushes.  I then sat down in the dark and slumped over.  My world was coming apart. 
Again.

CHAPTER 22

I don't remember too much about the days following our break-up except that I spent most of them in bed with my shades drawn.  I didn't want to see the sun.  It reminded me too much of how my life now had no light in it.

But after three days of hiding out, my mother and Lana came up to my room.
  "This isn't healthy," Mom said.  She and Lana both took a seat on my bed.  "Staying in here like this is only making you feel worse.  I'm not saying you shouldn't be sad about Josh, but go out and do something.  Please," she pleaded.

"Yeah, we're getting kind of worried about you," Lana said.  She tugged at my blankets, trying to get them off of me.  "At least come for a little walk with me," she suggested.  "We'll just go around the block, get some fresh air."

"Okay," I said.  I rubbed my puffy eyes and had to admit that the idea of leaving my stuffy room was tempting.  "Just once around the block and that's it."

But as the days wore on, it became easier for me to get out of bed each morning.  Pretty soon, I stopped counting how many seconds it had been since Josh and I ended things and calculated the minutes instead. 
Then hours.
 
Days.
 
Weeks.
  And then finally I stopped looking backwards.  That dull ache continued to throb inside of me, but it became bearable.  I could handle it.

I was surprised how even without
Josh,
my life went on as it had before.  I now had the chamber music group and art club after school so I had plenty to keep me occupied.  I also had more friends since I'd gotten involved in the activities.  Lana and Lenny declared themselves an official steady couple (so old-fashioned, right?) so I'd join them at the coffee shop after school.  Maya would often hang out with us, as well.  And after sharing his secret with me, I could now say that Ken really was a friend.  Some people gave us odd looks when they saw us walking to class together or chatting by our lockers (let's face it -- I was and always will be a band geek), but I didn't care.  As it turns out, he was an interesting guy ... and was more than willing to keep people like Ryan and Tamara off my back.