Restraint (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (39 page)

I’m not a social person, so having Kayla, Aaron, Cortez, Ezra, and Ava packed into my home is making me feel batshit crazy. I was used to this space only having me in it. I like my privacy. This apartment, this life, is like being in a swanky prison: ever-watched but with expensive surroundings. That has to change.

“Why?” I ask, trying to rein in my panic. I don’t want to be alone with Ezra. There is too much to say and not enough words to say them. But I do need to set some boundaries… and no, I’m not ignorant enough to think that Ezra will actually abide by them.

“Why are you avoiding me? I haven’t been alone with you since…” Ez trails off, sounding sad and sorry. He glances at our daughter, finding her chatting with Kayla. “My punishment,” he breathes out so that his voice doesn’t carry. “I need to talk to you. Alone,” he commands.

Ezra’s command tugs the invisible leash tying us to one another. I watch his back disappear through the open panel between our apartments, and my feet itch to follow… and that is exactly why it’s not a good idea for me to speak privately with Ezra.

I quickly look to Cortez, and we share a moment of perfect understanding. He nods in agreement. I follow after Ezra knowing that Cortez has my back, that he will keep me from making a huge mistake.

The open panel from my living room connects to Ezra’s bedroom. I walk through the room, past where a solemn Ezra is sitting on his bed, and out into his living room. I don’t think it’s a good idea to sit on a bed with him, and I surely don’t want to touch a bed he made love to his fiancée in. Just the thought has me rubbing the ache between my breasts. Oh, yeah- heartbreak- that’s the sensation.

I curl up in chair, putting distance between us. Ezra settles himself on the sofa opposite me. A look of confusion and hurt mars his beautiful face.

“Why are you avoiding me, Katya?” He softly asks.

“I’m not.” I swallow hard on the lie. He just looks at me- Master Ez flashes behind his eyes. I stifle a shiver. I’ve noticed this phenomenon before. It’s like Master Ez is a separate entity within Ezra, and I seem to respond to anything that part of him wants from me. I can’t allow Ezra to unleash Master Ez. He will get me to talk. I need Ezra to stay in control.

“I know we need to talk, Ezra. Maybe- just maybe, I’m uncomfortable talking about this with you. It’s complicated,” I hesitantly respond to his look.

“Are you angry with me? We haven’t spoken since you remembered. You didn’t even tell me you remembered, you just left me. What else am I left to believe other than that you blame me… you blame me, don’t you?” His voice breaks, and I realize I’m not the only one who is confused.

I get up from the chair and settle next to Ezra on the sofa. I clasp his hand in mine, when all I want to do is curl up on his lap and bury my face into the side his neck and inhale his smoky masculine scent.

“I’m just not ready to talk about it, yet. I don’t blame you, Ezra. I don’t blame anyone except Ray Hunter.” He flinches when I say the name of his father- the monster. I shift on the sofa so that we are facing one another, still holding hands. I look him dead in the eyes. “I want to be very clear with you. I mean it, Ezra.” I squeeze his hand to get his full attention. I can tell he was somewhere in the past. “I’ve had almost twelve years to come to terms with my rape. I’ve never blamed you or the boys. I may not have remembered your faces or names, but I never blamed you. The only difference between a few days ago and the past decade is that I have a face to put with the memory. You did what you had to do to survive, to protect Cortez and Aaron. It’s over. It’s time to move forward to the future. We need to figure out how to make a life, to make the most of the life we have.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” If I wasn’t already heartbroken, his crestfallen facial expression would do it. His smoky eyes hold unshed tears and his face flushes red. I can feel his shame and guilt, and it’s unwarranted

“I’m fine. This is going to sound strange. I’ve said this to my family in the past, and they’ve always looked at me like I’ve grown a second head. Ava, she has given me a reason to live, to not dwell in the past. Yeah, I know it’s weird, saying that the product of your rape is what brings you the most healing. I know when you found me again that you expected me to be completely broken. I have issues- hell, we all do. But I’m not broken, just slightly bent. I’ve never broken and I never will. I have way too much to live for.”

I draw Ezra into a hug, consequences be damned. I squeeze him with all my strength, and breathe in his smoky, musky scent. I allow his warmth to soak into my being. I hold him while he silently weeps- heals. This has never been just about me or even the boys. Every violent event has far reaching consequences. Our families, my daughter, our friends, and our daily lives are affected by a few torturous hours of time.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra breathes in my ear. “If I could change the past, I would. I would take your pain away, all our pain.”

“I wouldn’t, Ezra, I wouldn’t change a thing. This has made us into who we were meant to be. Wanting to change the past means you haven’t let go. I would forgive you, except there is nothing to forgive you for.”

Ezra’s lips seek mine. A soft caress, a feather light brush of lips that press until I give a response. His breath is hot and moist on my parted lips. His taste is intoxicating. The feel of his strong body enveloping mine, wrapping around me in a protective comforting embrace, has me shuddering in his arms.

This is what I was afraid of. I’m in love with this impossible, domineering man, and I have no self-control where he is concerned. Regardless, it’s wrong to touch him so intimately when he’s involved with someone else, in love with someone else. I’m better than being someone’s dirty little secret. I deserve better than being in second place, and I won’t disrespect myself by continuing to torture us both.

I try to pull away, but Ezra’s fingers tangle in my hair, holding me immobile. He moans into my mouth as he slides his tongue against mine. All my reservations evaporate as I hear my name whispered from his lips. All Ezra has to do is control me, kiss me, and moan for me, and I am rendered thoughtless.

Strong hands grip me under my armpits and lift, pulling me from Ezra’s arms, from his lips. I look around in confusion as I’m dropped into the chair I first sat in.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Ezra growl holds an edge of fury.

I close my eyes and shake my head, trying to clear it. I inhale and exhale to slow the rhythm of my breathing. I wish I had a bucket of ice to dampen the fire that rages in my hormones. If Cortez hadn’t stopped us, I would have went along with anything Ezra did.

“Katya has absolutely no self-control when it comes to you, and you exploit it. We have shit we have to get settled. I don’t think fucking her is a good idea right now, do you? Your daughter is within earshot.” Cortez is looming over Ezra, glowering gray eyes clashing in silent struggle.

“Cortez is right. We have a lot things to settle. And under the circumstances, I wouldn’t think you’d want to touch me like that,” I firmly say.

“What circumstances?” Confusion replaces Ezra’s anger.

“Adelaide,” Cortez and I say in unison, and we share a laugh. Yeah, we’re not alike at all. I huff a laugh at the thought as our eyes connect and shit-eating grins spread across our faces.

“What about Adelaide?” Ezra looks back and forth between Cortez and me. He scowls at us, sulking.

“Adelaide, you remember her… your fiancée.” Cortez wrinkles up his face as if her name on his tongue leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Ezra just shrugs and looks at us like
so?

“Kat informed me that she will not do attached men. I’m out because of Divina, as are you because of Adelaide, and apparently, Aaron because of his attachment to you,” Cortez says this as if he’s actually saying,
Kat is fucking batshit crazy if she thinks we give a shit what she thinks
.

They turn their stormy gazes on me, both sharing identical looks of exasperation, as if I am being ridiculous.

“This is not up for negotiation. I’ve already explained my reasons to Cortez, and he said he understood. I’m not going to demean myself by being a man’s mistress. It doesn’t matter if you don’t respect me, I’m going to respect myself.” I’m starting to get really pissed off. How can the man before me make love to his fiancée and declare his undying love to her, and then days later kiss me. I feel disgusted, and not just with Ezra.

“Yeah, like Cort won’t chase after you, anyway,” Ezra snorts out.

“Oh, damn straight. We’ve come to an understanding.” Cortez winks at me and smirks. I instantly remember him chasing me around my apartment and I blush.

“Enough,” I say, waving my hand about, cutting off that thread of conversation. “The answer’s no. If you keep fucking with me like this, it’s going to piss me off. I realize that you guys have never raised a daughter before, but I’ve been doing it for eleven years. That is not the example I want to set for Ava. This isn’t up for debate. You’re both in relationships, and I’m not your in-house whore,” I seethe.

“I would never think of you that way,” Ezra convincingly say, yet that is exactly what he’s making me out to be.

Cortez says, “I’d like you to act like a whore for me. That could be a lot of fun. I’ll even play the pimp and Ezra can be your John. I’ll kick his ass for being mean to my lady of the evening.” Leave it to Cortez to defuse the situation with snarky humor. I huff a laugh at his serious expression. He waits a heartbeat before he winks at me.

“Alright, prankster-” I start to speak but Cort cuts me off. “I was being serious. It would be a lot of fun,” he grumbles underneath his breath.

“Not happening,” I drawl out, trying to be angry, but failing miserably. “We just got back. I need to make arrangements for Ava. Where are we going to live? Where is she going to school? I need a job. I have a lot to figure out, and my sex life isn’t even on the list.”

“That’s all taken care of, Katya. You’ve nothing to figure out,” Ezra calmly says.

“What do you mean? I’m not a mistress that you take care of. I plan on taking care of Ava as I have for the past eleven years.” My voice rises as anger engulfs me. I will not be Ezra’s
pampered pet, waiting for him to call on me. I earn what I have. I will not eat from Ezra’s hand out of misguided guilt.

“Katya,” Ezra loudly sighs. “Ava is my daughter, as well. I want to know her. I need her in my life. Your feelings of possession towards her, I feel them towards her, too. You have an apartment, a job, friends, and us. This is your home. The only reason Ava wasn’t with you before is that you were saving for her schooling. Any father, whether coupled with the mother or not, pays for their children’s schooling. You speak of setting an example for Ava, don’t make me out to be a deadbeat dad. Please allow me to do that for both of you. I want the best for you both. I want you both close to me,” he achingly says and it softens my heart.

“I can’t go back to Edge Publishing,” I stubbornly say. “I didn’t earn the position.”

“So you will agree to the rest of my offer?” Ezra asks, hope strongly lacing his voice.

“Yes, but I will pay for our living expenses just as I have been. I have some money saved that I will pay you with until I get another job.” I cross my arms over my chest and stare him down. “I also want privacy. I don’t want my every move monitored like I’m some kind of convict. I don’t want that for my daughter, either.”

“Katya, we will negotiate on those points at a later date,” Ezra says, causing Cort to loudly snort. That man has no intentions of stopping his stalking. “Katya, have you ever wondered why I run a publishing company? I’m a doctor, why would I do that?” His eyes dart to Cortez. When I shrug at Ezra, he looks at me like I’m completely daft.

“Cortez was always highly creative. As children we would live out his fantasies. There was never a doubt of where his passions lie. I never had a direction I felt a pull towards. I became a Psychiatrist, not to help heal others, just to heal us- to heal myself. I had the money to make any company I wanted, so I created Edge Publishing for Cortez. I would have done the same for Aaron, except his passion is caring for us, and he enjoys running Restraint. This provided the perfect opportunity for the three of us to partner in business as we do in our personal lives. Cortez writes the story, I publish it, and Aaron takes care of the rest, so we have no worries.”

I swallow a lump in my throat and rub the spot between my breasts. I thought it would be difficult to join the pack. I don’t know if I can ever be an equal for them, a partner, there is way too much history for the trio. I will forever be an outsider.

“Three years ago, when we finally found you, I was excited that you had the same passion as Cortez. It made it easier for me. We can all be together- a partnership. You’ve earned your position. Even if we weren’t connected, I would have given you the job. You are highly qualified and it’s so you. Your job is waiting for you. Your staff is still in place. Don’t punish me because of my power and money. I can provide us all with security, so let me.” Ezra sounds oh-so reasonable. But it’s like trusting the Devil, there is always a steep price.

I don’t trust this side of Ezra- the side that will do anything he can to get what he wants. I know that he’s doing this to keep us under his thumb. I will concede that I did do a good job at work. My clients trust me and my staff works well together. I don’t want to leave my home and job.