Relinquished (8 page)

But suddenly, the passion that had consumed me minutes ago started to evaporate as my insecurities and doubts took over.
Why? Why now?
I’d had sex plenty of times, each leaving me feeling empty and alone. I was used to just lying there until the guy got off inside me, then he would roll over and either go to sleep or put his clothes back on and leave. I’d never allowed myself to just feel, to respond to a man’s touch.  Sex had always been a trade for something—a place to stay, food, or simply because I hadn’t wanted to be alone.  

But Holden was asking for something different. He wanted me to be vulnerable…open. He’d said for us to slow down, which didn’t seem to be happening, but I knew he was also letting me take control of how far this would go.

Not realizing that my nerves had affected my physical response, he stopped moving and whispered, “You okay?”

I didn’t have an answer.  Hell yes, I was up for being with him, but no, I wasn’t sure I was ready for emotions I’d never allowed myself to feel before. The moment he sat up, I was overcome by my insecurities but wanted to appear casual as I reached nonchalantly for the sheet next to me.

He shook his head. “If we’re doing this, I want to see all of you. Nothing hidden. I want you to trust us.” He kissed my fingertips, and I wanted to believe him, let go, throw my insecurities to the fucking wind.  

I can do this. He’s worth giving this a try with.

Taking calming breaths, I slowly pulled the sheet away and tossed it onto the floor. His eyes and smile broadened, unapologetically devouring my body, but the moment he saw the long scar on my lower belly, I sucked in a sharp breath.

“What happened here?” he asked, tentatively tracing a finger over the puckered line.

I tried to act like it was no big deal, but a jolt of electricity shot up my spine when his fingertips made contact, a grim reminder of my harsh past. Losing control, I scurried to the headboard and grabbed a pillow to hold in front of me protectively.

“Don’t touch it,” I whimpered.

Every second of bliss that I had just encountered was gone, replaced by the screaming sirens of my past once again. How could I ever believe that I’d be normal, that I’d be happy when the blaring reminder of what I had endured was carved into my body?

My knees were pulled up to my chest, and I hung on to the pillow for dear life before I had a chance to even think about my reaction.  No guy had ever scrutinized my body before or asked that question. Because no one had ever cared to, noticed, paid attention.  Hell, the majority of the time I still had most of my clothes on when a guy screwed me.

“Jules, I’m sorry,” he pleaded. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” He sat back, running his hands through his messy hair and stared at me like he didn’t know if it was okay to move.   I probably looked like a scared animal ready to bolt.

I shook my head, fighting the flashbacks of Travis slicing into my flesh. I couldn’t go there right now.  This was a safe place, and Holden had meant no harm.

Still, there was no way I was going to show him anymore of my body tonight. “Can we just do it under the covers?” I asked in a small voice.

He leaned in, disappointment but also resolve in his eyes. “No, Jules. You need to be comfortable and want it.  It isn’t a chore.”

I closed my eyes, regret washing over me. “I’m sorry.  I do want this, you just surprised me.”

He sighed. “We have plenty of time, and I’m not in a rush.” Then he leaned in and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead before getting off the bed.  My eyes were drawn to his still full erection as he stood at the foot of the bed.

What a waste,
I couldn’t help but think.

“I can take care of that if you want.” I pointed to his obvious current state.

He smiled and shook his head. “Don’t go anywhere.” He disappeared into the closet.

Leaving me to my thoughts was not always the wisest choice. I sat there, running the whole thing through my head over and over again. What the hell was wrong with me?  This had been a perfect night with the perfect guy, and I had to go fuck it all up.

Before self-loathing could completely consume me, I leaned over, grabbed my panties, and slipped them on. I was just about to grab the rest of my clothes when he came back, wearing boxer briefs and carrying a shirt and a large blanket. Standing before me, he pulled the soft t-shirt over my head as I filled my lungs with his scent. He scooted me over, giving me enough time to put my arms through the sleeves as he climbed in next to me and covered us.

“You don’t have to sleep in here with me if you don’t want... but I’d rather you did.” There was no denying the hope in his voice.

That I could do. I could sleep.

I answered by nuzzling into his chest, allowing him to wrap his arms around me. I couldn’t believe how twisted the day had become since leaving my room this morning.  There was no way I could’ve predicted it.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly into the dark room.

“Shh.” He squeezed my shoulder. “No need to apologize. When you’re ready, you’re ready. Let’s get some sleep.”

I rested my eyes then, letting them close and knowing I was safe. For the moment, at least. It was sweet that he was so sure about me, that I’d be ready to share everything with him at some point.  

I wish I had his confidence, but I’m still not sure he’ll ever be able to handle all of my gritty secrets.

Opening my eyes to the sight of Holden was a better view than my dingy motel room. Holden was on the balcony, coffee in hand, probably enjoying the morning ocean breeze.  As I watched him stand there, in nothing more than his plaid pajama pants, a small part of me—okay, big—was regretting that we hadn’t had sex last night.  Because if we had, I would’ve grabbed him this morning and gone another round.  My head and heart were thankful, but my body was throbbing. That was one deliciously compassionate man.  

I tilted my head as I continued checking him out. I didn’t think real men actually had those dimples on their lower backs.  Then again, Holden’s life revolved around physical fitness, so I guess that made sense. He really was the total package. What he saw in me, I still had no idea.

Turning, he caught me staring at his ass just like last night. “Hey, sleepyhead.” He smirked as he made his way back to the bed, and I buried my head in his soft pillow, embarrassed.

His hand moved my hair to the side, “Don’t be shy,” he chuckled. “I work hard to make my ass look like this. I don’t mind if you look.  As a matter of fact, I like the
way
you look at me.”

I peeked up when he added, “If it makes you feel better, I stared at you for like a half an hour before I finally peeled myself out of bed.”

A giggle escaped my throat, shocking the hell out of me.  The giggly girl in me didn’t make an appearance often, but Holden seemed to find her with no effort.

“So, beautiful, I only have a few hours left with you today. What would you like to do?” He gave me a questioning look as he took a sip of his coffee.

Laying on my stomach, I could feel the tightness in my shoulders relaxing as I stretched and yawned. The door to the balcony was still open, and the sound of the waves floated in. The feel of the cool air and comfort of the bed made me want to stay here and waste the whole day away until something dawned on me. “I think the first order of business is getting my clothes in the dryer.  You distracted me last night before I had a chance to do that.” I narrowed my eyes playfully at him.

He laughed and tweaked my nose. “Already done, my dear.” He pointed to my neatly folded stack on top of his dresser.

“Thanks.” I smiled until the aroma from his mug hit me, and I sniffed the air, moaning.  I loved the smell of coffee, but since it was a luxury expense, I purposely avoided drinking it. From what I’d seen with other people, it was like crack once your body got used to drinking it regularly.

Holden took another sip. “I remember you saying you didn't drink coffee, but I have juice downstairs if you’d like some.”

“I seem to remember you teasing me about that.” I rolled my eyes. “You know, not everyone’s chasing that caffeine high.”

“True, but I’m sure there are other highs you wouldn’t mind reaching,” he flirted with a sly grin and a wink.  

A blush covered my face when the vision of him completely naked came to mind.  Then anxiety crept into my subconscious knowing he’d seen me on full display as well, including my scar.

He looked at me suspiciously, but I appreciated that he didn’t point out my sudden mood change. Placing his hand on my back, he made small, comforting circles with his fingertips. “My friend owns an art gallery here in town that I’d love to take you to, if you’re interested.”

My shoulders relaxed again under his touch. “I’d love that.” I hugged the pillow tighter, enjoying the cozy feel of his bed.

He smacked my ass over the blanket, startling me. “Now get out of bed, dress that sexy body of yours, and we’ll go grab some brunch.”

Playing with his bottom lip, Holden watched as I stretched my arms above my head and enjoyed the kick back feel of the café. We sat on the upstairs patio and could see the ocean for miles. “Thanks for letting me sleep in.” I drank the fresh squeezed orange juice I’d ordered with my food. I don’t remember ever having such a restful night’s sleep before.

He braced his forearms on the table. “Pure selfishness on my part. I love having you in my bed, sleeping so peacefully.”

What he called selfishness, I look at as a gift. I’d love to wake up in his bed every day.

“So, you’ve piqued my interest about the whole ‘I didn’t say I couldn’t drive’ comment from yesterday.” He leaned back in his chair, keeping his eyes on mine. “I’d love to know more if you want to tell me.” The hopeful look on his face reassured me.  I already knew I could trust him with my past, but it was still a little scary to share. My secrets might be too dark for him to handle. But he’d opened something up inside of me, and I wanted to take a chance.

I swallowed hard, preparing myself for an onslaught of emotions. At least this story was one of my tamer ones. “Something most people don’t know is, when inmates are released from prison, they leave with more money than a child who ages out of the foster care system.  As a matter of fact, foster kids aren’t given any money when they are kicked to the curb. The day I graduated from high school, I knew I was leaving the group home with my duffle bag full of clothes and nothing more. I still don’t know how I managed to graduate after bouncing around from one high school to another, but I’d somehow been able to keep my grades up.” And that was something I still took pride in. Getting my diploma had been my shining moment, my one true accomplishment. 

The soft look of admiration on his face meant a lot to me, so I continued. “Scott, one of the guys graduating that day, was in the same facility as me. We’d hung out a little bit and would sneak out late at night so he could teach me how to drive. I don’t even want to know where he got the car from. Anyway, he came up to me and asked what my plans were since we were basically in the same boat. I was just going to head back to the facility, maybe snag some food before I had to grab the few clothes I owned and leave.”

I was sure it wasn’t on purpose, but I heard his sigh and paused to look out at the horizon.  After a little internal pep talk, I kept going.

“He told me he’d met some guys who were going to let him stay and work with them in Northern California and asked if I wanted to go with him. I knew there would be a hook, but it was my only option.” I looked at my lap and brushed off the crumbs that had fallen on my thigh.

My mind began to race, wondering how many of these stories Holden would be able to handle.  Would it get to be too much after a while?

I peeked up at him, and he nodded subtly, encouraging me to finish. I cleared my throat. “As soon as we got there, Scott introduced me as his girlfriend. It pissed me off at first. Until he explained it was to keep the other guys in the house from bothering me. We had to share a room and eventually, we did end up together, but it was more out of convenience than anything else.

“It didn’t take long to find out the real reason we were there. We were illegal street racers, which brought a crapload of money in to the guys we worked for.  They stole the cars, and we drove them. It was the stupidest thing, but I’m not gonna lie and say I hated it.” Even talking about it now was giving me a little thrill.

The corner of his lip raised, when he asked, “Did you ever get caught?”

I wanted to laugh.  All of this, and his only question was if I ever got busted?  “Not for racing.”

With a boyish grin, he admitted, “I may have dabbled in the world of street racing myself a time or two.”

My eyes widened in glee. “No way!”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t as lucky.  When I was sixteen, I
did
get caught, which sucked because Dante had to come get me.  My dad was out of the country, and Dante was my only other adult family member.” He made a wry face, lifting his eyebrows playfully. 

“Oh, I bet he loved springing ya from the joint.” I winked, giggling out loud.  Man, it felt good to joke around with him. With anyone, really.

Twisting a salt shaker in his hand, he sighed. “Let’s just say, I heard about family image for a long time after that. I do have to give him big brother credit, though. He never told Dad.” Putting the salt shaker back in its place, he turned to me and asked, “So what ever happen to Scott?”  

I bit the side of my cheek. “I was just about to watch Scott’s race when the cops came barreling toward us.  He and the other driver took off, and the rest of us scrambled.  At the time, I was in the car Scott legitimately owned and got the hell out of there with a cop on my tail.  I knew I’d be in even more trouble if I kept going, so I pulled over a few minutes after I saw the lights and heard the siren.  I was charged with a misdemeanor for being a spectator at an illegal race, but I was the lucky one and was only fined for not having a driver’s license.”

His grin grew wider, as if I was telling him about a boyhood fantasy every guy had. “Wait, you were driving without a license that whole time? You didn’t get in more trouble for that?”

“No.” I sighed, knowing the rest of what I had to say would wipe that smile off his face. “The judge took mercy on me.”

“You must’ve had a kick ass lawyer.”

Nodding while looking aimlessly out of the window, I huffed out a breath and shared the shitty end of my story. “I was supposed to be the driver that last run, but Scott begged me to let him go. He insisted he was a better match with the last driver and didn’t trust him not to pull some shit on me because I’m a girl. I finally agreed, and he made me stay in his car while he put a helmet on to disguise himself.  We never wore helmets, so that should’ve sent red flags, but Scott wasn’t much bigger than me, and nobody seemed to be paying attention anyway. Before he got out, he told me he was glad he’d met me, and he couldn’t wait to see what my future held.  It was so out of character for him to say something like that.”