Relinquished (7 page)

It was interesting how comfortable I was in his arms. I could only imagine what it would be like to live a life where all of this was normal.  Settling in further, I relaxed against his chest, enjoying the warmth of his body and the blanket we were wrapped in. The ghosts from my past had been quieted by the peace I felt.

I loved that he’d not only shared his intimate space with me, but spoke freely about himself and his life.  He trusted me and more than anything, I wanted to trust him, too.

With a gulp, I stared up at the sky and began a simple story, hoping it would be enough. “When I was a freshman in high school, there was a foreign exchange student that lived next door to the house I was placed in.  She missed her home and family a lot and told me, whenever she felt homesick, she would gaze up at the sky. She’d look for the same three stars she’d seen in Sweden, and it was like she was home again.” Growing up, I hadn’t gotten along with most of the girls I came in contact with, but Maria had always been genuine, and I really liked hanging out with her. “Since I moved around so much I didn’t really have friends, but I always remembered what she said, so whenever I see those three stars,” I pulled my hand out of the warm blanket long enough to point to them, “I think about her and kind of feel at home as well.”

Holden swiped my hair to the side, sending chills across my shoulders and kissed my neck like he’d done earlier.  If he didn’t know how much I loved that, he sure as shit did when I moaned involuntarily.

“What do you mean by ‘the house you were placed in’?” he asked with quiet curiosity.

Well, shit. My eyes popped open, and my body stiffened. I hadn’t meant to share that I was a trashy foster kid. “Um…” I was scrambling for a decent answer.

His hands ran up and down the part of the blanket covering my arms as he peppered my neck with kisses.  He’d definitely figured out what kind of effect that had on me. “Relax, you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.  I would never make you do something you aren’t ready for, Jules.  I just hope you can trust me at some point. I want to know more about you.”

I hesitated a moment, and even though I still didn’t understand, I knew in my heart that he was being sincere.  Something about him made me want to open the vault I’d kept secured tight my entire life. “I don’t talk to anybody about it, but… I had a pretty shitty childhood. I was dumped at the doors of a police station when I was a newborn and bounced from foster homes to group homes until I aged out of the system and ended up homeless.”

Damn, that felt good.
I’d never been that honest with anyone before. When he didn’t say anything, I continued. “A few years ago, I got up the nerve to read the original police report and found out I was only a few hours old when I was abandoned.  Still had my freshly severed umbilical cord attached and tied in a knot.”

As freeing as that felt, I didn’t have the nerve to look back.  I’d just laid some heavy shit out there for him to absorb. When all I got back was his silence and felt his heart pounding against my back, my chest tightened. I was ashamed. I shouldn’t have assumed he was ready to hear what I had to say. Why couldn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut and enjoy this?

Clearing his throat, he finally spoke, “I don’t know what to say.”

That told me everything I needed to know.  I’d just fucked up, and it was time for me to leave.

I began to get up when he wrapped his arms around my waist, squeezing me close. “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean that to sound the way it obviously did.  Jules, it’s not your fault.  None of us chooses the family we get or don’t get. I only reacted that way because my heart hurts thinking about you growing up in different houses with random people.”

Dammit. I hate when people feel sorry for me.
“I don’t want your pity, Holden.  Everything I’ve gone through has made me a stronger person, and I can take care of myself.”
And it’s made me harder, too
, I admitted internally.

He dropped the blanket and turned me around until my ass was planted on the chair between his open legs and my thighs were draped over his. Using his fingertips to caress my cheeks, he spoke softly. “I know how strong you are.  It’s taken months for me to get this close to you.”

His eyes darted back and forth, making sure that I was still focused and listening to every word he was saying. “I’m here for you, but I won’t push.  As much as I want to ask a hundred questions, not knowing the answers right now doesn’t change how I feel about you, and that feeling is not pity.  Believe me.”

I felt my walls come down again as I tried to wrap my brain around the fact that he was offering his compassion and not his sympathy.

“C’mere.” He pulled me to him until my ear was resting on his chest, listening to his erratic heartbeat.

I wanted to accept his compassion. I really did, but I’d never accepted comfort from anyone before, so it was difficult. I tried to put myself in his shoes. Although he’d obviously had a rougher childhood than I’d realized, he now lived what seemed like a drama free life, so why would he want me around?

I took a deep breath and swallowed down the emotions rising in me. It wasn’t the right time to let all that shit out. “I don’t want to clutter your world with my sob story.”

He sighed meaningfully. “We all have things we’d like to forget,
Jules
.
Tell me a good memory. What made little Jules light up a room?” As we cuddled, he played with my hair the way I imagined a loving parent or a lover would do.  This whole touch thing was new to me, and a big part of me wanted to pull away, yet I couldn’t get enough of Holden.

My eyebrows knitted together as I tried to come up with an answer.  One thing did come to mind. “When I was ten, I think, I lived with an older couple that were really nice.” I turned my head to look up at him. “They used to call me sweet pea and promised to keep me.” The memory alone of that couple always gave me a sense of being wanted.

I smiled softly. “I remember peeking around the corner and watching them dance together in the kitchen at least once a day. They were so in love.  It was the first time I’d ever seen what love looked like. Whenever they’d catch me watching, they’d call me over to dance with them. It was the first time I thought I had a chance of having a real family.”

I buried my face back in his chest and allowed a few tears to fall. Here he was asking me what made me happy, and I was telling him about how naive I was to think my bouts of happiness didn’t have expiration dates.

“What happened?” He rested his chin on top of my head and pulled me in even closer, probably sensing that, like everything else in my life, this story didn’t have a happily ever after.

I pulled the hood up on the sweatshirt and rubbed the side of it on my wet face. Holden took my hand in his and placed it on his chest, then gently used his finger to wipe away my tears.  “I notice you use objects to comfort yourself. Will you let me do that for you, please?”

The sincerity in his eyes weakened my reluctance and gave me a moment to dream about what that would feel like. Letting someone else take care of me, watch out for me—protect me. It was all so new. I was used to taking care of myself.

Maybe still somewhat guarded, I nodded slowly. “I never realized I did that. I guess it was safer than depending on someone else.”

I closed my eyes, enjoying his calming fingers as they caressed my skin, then I sighed as I continued my story. “Jonathan had a heart attack and died.  Hilary was never the same. She started ignoring me, and the next thing I knew, I was back in the group home. What they failed to realize was I needed to grieve, too.  I lost more than Jonathan, I lost my dream.” I began to choke up but tried to hide it by bringing up a harsh reality. “That’s when I realized love isn’t always a good thing. As much as it could bring life, it could also destroy. I saw it firsthand with Hilary.” As soon as those words were out of my mouth, I realized what I’d said. “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have told that story after what you shared about your dad.”  

Crap, I was sticking my foot in my mouth left and right tonight.  No wonder why I never opened my fucking mouth about my feelings.

He gave a slightly sad smile. “We’re not so different after all.  Both of us have felt the loss of a parent figure and were unable to comfort the one left behind.” Embracing me tighter, he added, “Life changes so quickly, and people think kids bounce back easily. We both know we needed time to say good-bye, find our new way in life. Maybe this is something we can work on together.”

He scooted up to give my legs room to encircle him.  It seemed like he was trying to get us as close as possible. “If my dad was here, he’d say that he wouldn’t change the fact that he had the chance to love my mom before she passed.” His knuckles left tingles on my hypersensitive skin as they trailed down the side of my face, moving my hair out of the way.  “My dad’s a romantic at heart.  I guess that’s where I take after him.”

Although the temperature had dropped outside, my body was starting to heat up due to the flood of emotions washing over me.

“Love isn’t something to regret, Jules.  Anything in life can destroy you, but I’d rather be so deeply affected by someone that I’m willing to fight against all odds for her than never experience it.”

Oh. Wow.

His words were so true, but they touched me in a way I never thought possible. My breathing slowed down as my heart rate increased. Holden could be that person for me after all. Maybe he’d break my heart, destroy me, but would it all be worth it?  

I felt my decision in my actions as I pulled myself up on his lap, wrapped my arms around him, and attacked his lips with my own. Without hesitation, his fingers threaded through my hair as we passionately devoured each other’s open mouths.  I was on fire and wanted to get rid of the barrier of clothes between us. Pulling away for just a second, I ripped the hoodie and my t-shirt off, grinding myself against him. The weather was no longer a factor. All I needed was Holden to keep me warm.

“Holy shit,” Holden mumbled as his hands dug into my ass, encouraging me to keep rubbing against him. Suddenly, we were mobile as he carried me into his bedroom, laid me on top of his bed and yanked his shirt off.

Son of a bitch
.  I knew he had a great body, but
damn
. I grabbed for him, unable to get enough. It felt like my entire existence depended on keeping him within my reach.

“Hold on.” He braced himself on his elbows while moving my wild hair away from my face. “I’m not complaining, but I need you to understand I didn’t bring you here for this.”

“I don’t care,” I panted. Truth be told, I’d never been so desperate for this.

His lips touched the skin on my chest. “Believe me, I want you, too. But let’s slow down a little.” He trailed kisses from the top of my cleavage spilling out of my bra and up my neck until he was hovering above my face. “I want to take my time with you.” A sheepish smile came over his face. “I’ve been hoping for this for a while, and I want to enjoy every second.”

Overwhelmed with emotions, I blurted out, “I want this to mean something to both of us.”  

He chuckled, unbothered by my statement. “You’re so beautiful, Jules.  I knew the first time I saw you that you were special. Every moment we’ve spent together means something to me.”

I swallowed hard. I’d never given anyone access to my heart and my body at the same time. Panic started to overtake me, my mind swirling with doubt. I was afraid of once again being left broken and used.  But as I stared at him, I still knew my self-control was out the window.

Thumbing the clasp in the front of my bra, he never took his eyes off my face, showing me the respect that a true lover deserved, not what you would expect from a one night stand.  With one hand, he was able to unlatch the hook and lay my bra open.  I could feel my body give in to his hands as he slid the straps slowly off my shoulders with such tenderness.

His touch became more confident as he tightened his hands around my breasts, giving them a firm massage, his gentle kisses were such a contrast to his firm grip. After a second, that slight sting turned into immeasurable pleasure.  

My panting breaths picked up speed when his lips took mine, searing me as his strong hands trailed down my ribs.  He asked me if I trusted him, and even though I wasn’t fully sure, all I could do was nod.  

The stars outside were the only light filtering into his room, but I saw enough when he stood up and slowly unbuttoned his jeans, sliding them with his boxers down and toeing off his shoes.  

Fuuuck.

His body on full display for me was more than I thought my mind could take. I was in a daze and didn’t even notice he’d taken my shoes off and was in the process of removing my last barrier of clothes.  In no time, we were exposed, and I felt the last inhibited thoughts fade away.

The hungry sounds he made while smoothing his palms across my hip bones instantly made my body melt and conform to the mold of his hands, like I was created for him, and he was made for me.  

He grunted louder when our bodies touched, grinding against each other, skin on skin.  Holy hell, he felt good. No, perfect. Everything felt euphoric, the weight of him on me, the longing of his touch, knowing he treasured each and every one of my curves.

I moved my hands up and down his back, putting every ounce of myself into our kiss and praying he would understand every emotion I was feeling. I wrapped my legs around his waist, trying to keep the closeness going, begging him to not stop again.