Relativity (22 page)

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I survey my room for anything I might have missed and just to take it in one last time for several months. I’m so nervous that I’ll be lucky if I don’t puke on the train. I turn on my phone, hoping that Natalie will have responded to the text I sent her last night saying I was sorry. I knew I shouldn’t send it but I just couldn’t stop myself. My phone chirps and I rush to read the message. It’s from Natalie.

Fuck you

I guess you can’t get much clearer than that. I delete her contact from my phone knowing that I will never try and contact her again because the last thing I want to do is cause her more pain.

“All set?” Dad asks, sticking his head in the doorway. He is positively chipper, which I recognize as an act a mile away, but I appreciate his effort because it makes saying goodbye easier.

“Yep,” I answer, swallowing over the lump in my throat. Dad grabs my suitcase and we make our way downstairs and into the car. We drive slowly to the train station. I hold my breath as we pass Mozzarella. I hold my breath looking for their cars, which is stupid because they are opening late today so they can attend graduation, but it’s a habit. Thinking of Natalie’s mini-Cooper makes me smile even though I know I won’t be the one riding shotgun anymore. Someone else will take my place. Natalie’s personality is too magnetic to leave her best friend slot vacant for very long.

“Should we stop by Natalie’s house?” Dad asks, watching me gawk.

“No, absolutely not,” I demand.

“Time heals all wounds, sweetie,” he says, stopping at a red light.

“I don’t think I agree with that, Dad. Some things are just too big to ever get over.”

A few minutes later we get to the train station and I make him drop me off.

“Ripley, for God’s sake, this is ridiculous. You could get mugged.”

“Please, Dad. If you don’t let me out right here, I might not be able to do this,” I beg. I really don’t know how much longer I can keep it together thinking about leaving everyone I love.

Dad throws the car into park and turns toward me. “Then maybe you shouldn’t be doing this. Ripley, you just lost your mother a few weeks ago. Maybe you were right about community college.”

“You’re just being selfish because you don’t want me to leave,” I shout, hating myself the minute the words leave my mouth. But I had to do something to get him to leave me here.

Dad’s face crumples but instead of breaking down, he gets out of the car, opens the trunk and pulls out my suitcase. I open my door and watch him wheel the suitcase around to my side.

“I didn’t mean that, Dad,” I apologize, knowing it’s too late.

“No need,” he says in a detached voice. “You’re right. I don’t want you to leave. Just like I didn’t want your mother to leave. But it’s time for me to face facts. She’s dead and you’re all grown up.” He offers the suitcase handle to me. I take it from him, fighting back tears.

“I love you, Dad, and I’ll be back in a couple of months,” I promise him. I give him a quick hug and disappear into the train station before I can change my mind.

I watch from a window as he pulls out of the parking lot and heads back to the empty house with fake memories. Part of me wishes I could have had the courage to tell him about the affair so that he wouldn’t be tiptoeing around honoring her memory and could move on with his life without feeling guilty but I can’t take the chance that he would get so mad that he would confront Chad and somehow Natalie and Knox would find out. It’s too risky.

I double check to make sure I have the ticket that I printed off at home then make my way toward the door where they load passengers. I still have forty-five minutes until we board. I’m scared and nervous but I think this new life will be good for me. I know that I’ll never replace Knox and Natalie but maybe I’ll make some new friends too.

I think moving down in the summer session was a smart move because there won’t be as many people there. I can get acclimated and will know my way around before everyone comes back in the fall. The housing department is giving me a double room all to myself because so few students are enrolled so that will be a good way to ease myself into dorm living without the shock of a roommate right away.

I’m still undecided on my major. I figure I’m taking all general education courses in the first few semesters anyway so there is no need to rush into making a decision. I know the right one will come to me, eventually.

My phone chirps and my heart skips a beat wondering if maybe Natalie mentioned to Knox that I was leaving and it’s him. The text is from Tate.

No gdbye! How could u do me lk that? JK! Good luck!

Thnx. U 2.

I slide my phone back into my pocket and wonder how things would have turned out if I could have kept crushing on Tate. Would I have gone away to college if I hadn’t fallen in love with Knox? I guess so because I still would have figured it out about Mom’s affair but maybe I wouldn’t have had as hard a time keeping it a secret just from Dad and Natalie. I guess it doesn’t matter because I am in love with Knox and he is all I ever think about. Maybe Dad’s right, maybe time does heal all wounds.

A voice over an intercom tells us that it is time to begin boarding the train. I waddle into line trying to manage my heavy suitcase and wait patiently as one by one they scan our tickets and allow us to exit the building onto the concrete platform to board the train. I keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for Knox to come barging into the station and plead with me to stay forever.

“Excuse me, Miss,” a voice says, cutting into my daydream of having my way with Knox on one of the uncomfortable wooden benches in the train station. I shake it off and hand the kind looking woman my ticket. “Thank you, any available seat.”

A uniformed man takes my suitcase and puts it into a luggage holding compartment. I board the train with just my laptop case and purse strung over my shoulder. I walk through the aisles trying to find a window seat. Finally, toward the back, I spot one. I plop down, proud of myself for making it this far.

I lean my head back on the headrest and close my eyes.
I’m doing the right thing. I’m doing the right thing
. I have this on a loop in my head.

I hate that it bothers me so much that Knox didn’t come say goodbye. I know I had a lot of nerve having my way with him, knowing full well that I was leaving, then expecting him to hunt me down after Natalie found us out. It’s not like it would have changed my mind. We still can’t be together and I probably would have just pulled him in a filthy train station bathroom and had my way with him but the thought of not seeing his face, not knowing if he hates me is unbearable.

I feel the train start to move so I lean up and open my eyes, watching as we slowly pass through the station. A flash of orange on the platform catches my eye and as my window slides past I can see that it is Knox in a neon Mozzarella T-shirt. He is panting and out of breath, saying something to the woman who scanned my ticket. He’s pointing angrily toward the train. He doesn’t see me but I press my palm to the window and mentally tell him that I love him.

He came to say goodbye. That’s enough for me to be able to move on. He doesn’t hate me and I can live with that.

The campus is enormous, breathtaking, and most importantly, anonymous. There isn’t a soul here who knows who I am, where I come from, what I’ve lost, or what I’ve done. I’m just Ripley Edgecombe, incoming freshman with an undeclared major. The anonymity has invigorated me.

My dorm is a concrete giant hovering twenty stories in the air. The building sways a tiny bit when the wind blows, but I sleep like a baby at night in my tiny dorm room. The first few days I was here were rough, there was a lot of crying and ordering takeout, but then I forced myself into a schedule and classes started and six weeks later, I feel almost human again.

A knock on my door tells me it’s time for lunch. There are five of us, girls, new to the college that have sort of gravitated toward each other this summer. The conversations are easy and we all like each other but I see us drifting apart in the fall when hundreds of new faces are introduced into the mix. They are all really nice but I don’t really click with any of them the way I did with Nat.

We go out as a group also, trying to navigate the summer social scene here, taking baby steps before things get overwhelming in the fall. The other four girls are all planning to pledge a sorority but I just don’t know if that is my thing. I can fake the conversations with this small group fairly well but I’m not sure how well I would fare if I were thrown into a shark tank full of sorority girls. I think they would make me pretty quick as being nothing but a homesick girl with trust issues and a broken heart.

I am happy here, though. I barely even think about Natalie or Knox. Okay, that’s a total lie. More like I never stop thinking about them. I deleted my Facebook app so that I wouldn’t be tempted to check for updates every five seconds. My phone has been so quiet that sometimes I check to make sure it’s still on. The only person who texts me is Dad to check in about three times a day, down from ten, so we’re making progress.

My classes are easy. Nobody expects much out of you in the summer so it’s a good way to prepare for going full-time next semester. I have a lot of free time so I try and keep myself busy so I don’t drive myself crazy with all the questions I have that can never be answered.

The campus is surrounded by woods and some days I walk the trails around the campus for hours. The walks have brought me some peace and I don’t feel mad at Mom like I used to. I realize now how much she must have loved Chad to risk everything the way she did. Who am I to judge her? I would walk through fire if there was any way I could be with Knox again without hurting anyone. So I get it, kind of.

I hear the familiar bubbling sound of the Skype app coming from my laptop. I laugh to myself as I sit down in front of the screen and accept Dad’s call. His smile fills my screen and my stomach drops realizing how much I miss him.

“Hey, sweetie,” he says.

“Hi, Daddy,” I say, forcing back tears. I can’t start bawling, especially when he looks so incredibly happy.

“You’ve done a lot with the place,” he teases. That’s his inside joke every time he sees the bare walls of my institutionalized dorm room. I might as well live in a prison cell for all the time I’ve taken to decorate it. I guess a part of me still doesn’t quite believe I’m staying here for good.

“Why are you so happy?” I ask, curious. He’s positively giddy, like he won the lottery or something.

“There’s a new lady in my life,” he blurts out, excitement spilling over his words. “I really want you to meet her. We were thinking we could come visit next weekend.”

His words sucker punch me in the stomach and I can barely catch my breath. I knew this day would come and I really want him to be happy but I’m not sure I can handle this yet.

“Her name is Daisy and she has really soft hair,” he says, as he lifts the most adorable puppy I’ve ever seen in front of the computer screen.

Relief rushes through me as I ooh and ahh over my new sister. “Dad, she’s so cute. You’ve always wanted a dog,” I say, remembering that Mom was allergic so he could never have one.

“Don’t get me wrong, Rip. You’re a great kid but this one licks my toes, so I’m just saying, you’ve got some competition.” Daisy gives him a big lick across his cheek and my heart warms seeing how smitten they are with each other.

“I would love to meet her,” I gush, also knowing that I’m about at my threshold of time I can go without seeing Dad. I really don’t trust myself to go back to Jasper so him coming here would be amazing.

“I was thinking I could just rent us a hotel room for the weekend and we could just hang out. If that’s okay?” he asks, tentatively.

“That would be so great, Dad. I can’t wait.”

Surprise registers on his face and it breaks my heart that he was bracing himself for me to say no. We talk for a few more minutes until Daisy pees on him then we say goodbye until next weekend.

I spend the next six days walking all the trails most of the day with the exception of class, trying out a few exercise classes at the campus rec center, and studying. My instructors gave out the syllabus for the entire summer so I even work ahead a bit, just in case saying goodbye to Dad next weekend throws me off track a bit.

I’m happy here but knowing I’m going to see Dad makes me think of everything I left behind. If I’m being honest, Knox is on my mind every second of the day, even in my dreams. Losing Natalie still feels like I’m missing an appendage. I knew she wouldn’t call with the way we left things, but I really thought Knox would. But I guess when I left the way I did I made it pretty clear that things between us were over. I still can’t help but wonder how both of them are doing.

Natalie is probably busy shopping for her dorm room décor. Her room sure won’t be the depressing gray cement box that I’ve left mine as. Knowing her, everything will be hot pink and zebra striped with so many throw pillows that they cover half her twin-size bed. She is going to be amazing at college and will probably rush the most popular sorority. She definitely won’t spend her days walking trails, alone. I keep telling myself that I’ll make more friends in the fall but I really don’t know if it’s true or not.

The scary part is that I’m actually content being alone. If I can’t have Knox and Natalie, I don’t really feel like anyone else will measure up. And maybe just the stress of Mom dying and being watched by so many concerned people for so long made me need some space. Maybe I’ll get lonely eventually.

Friday finally gets here and I’m so excited to see Dad. I cleaned my room and even half-ass attempted to decorate a little bit so it doesn’t look so depressing. I want to show him how good I’m doing even if I have to fake it a little bit.

I head down to the parking lot of the dorm to wait on him, nodding and saying hi to a few familiar faces that I still haven’t learned names to, when I see Knox. He is heading toward the huge glass doors to the entrance of the dorm. My heart is thumping so hard in my chest that I feel a little faint.