Relativity (25 page)

“Damn bitch, you’re skinny,” she comments, giving me a once-over. I’ve still been walking the trails in between classes to keep myself from going crazy.

“How’s school?” I ask, not knowing how to talk to her anymore.

“It’s fun. I’m a Delta Zeta pledge,” she says, gesturing to a pin on the collar of her sweatshirt.

“That’s great, Natalie. I’m so happy for you.”

She plops down on the blanket and Daisy wiggles to be let down. I place her on the blanket and she instantly attacks Natalie with tons of doggie kisses. I lower myself down to the blanket, carefully, still fearing that Natalie heard my confession but surely she wouldn’t be sitting here chatting if she had.

“I made tons of friends,” she says, dodging Daisy’s tongue. “But I still can’t seem to forget you.”

Our eyes meet and we exchange so much with just one look. “I never meant to hurt you. I swear it’s not like I purposely started up with Knox. It just happened.”

“I know that. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t known he was in love with you for like, ever. I was just afraid that if the two of you got together, there wouldn’t be any room for me. And I knew my parents were finally falling apart for good. Then all the shit with Cale. Your mom dying. It was just too much,” she admits.

“What happened to the good ol’ days when all we had to worry about was making curfew?” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

“I guess we’re all grown up now,” she mumbles soberly as she turns to study Mom’s gravestone.

“I guess so. It isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be.”

“She was so awesome,” she says, talking about Mom. “I don’t blame Dad for being in love with her.”

I gasp, realizing that she heard me. She knows everything. If she didn’t hate me before, she definitely will now. But she doesn’t seem mad. She seems resigned, accepting. Two things that Natalie usually isn’t on the best day.

“I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t want to make things harder. I’m sorry that she messed up things with your parents.”

“Ripley, chill. Our parents told us everything months ago. It’s fine. Weird, but fine. Honestly, I wasn’t all that surprised. Knox took it a little harder but eventually he’ll move on.”

My head is spinning with the knowledge that for the first time in a really long time there aren’t any secrets to hide. Everything is out in the open. As sorry as I am that Natalie and Knox have to spend the rest of their lives knowing all of this, I feel so much better knowing I’m not the one hiding it from them. I want to ask her about Knox so bad I can’t stand it but I’m lucky that she is just sitting in the same space with me and I don’t want to push it.

“Who knew our parents were actually interesting, right?” she asks, laughing. I have missed that sound so much.

I laugh in agreement, shaking my head. “I was so mad at her for so long and I think it made things worse. It was a way of keeping her alive if I was mad. Now I have to admit that she is never coming back.”

“I’m sorry that I abandoned you when you were going through this. No matter what happened between you and Knox, I never should have just cut you out of my life. I missed you so much. Every time something good or bad would happen I kept thinking I needed to call you but then I realized that I couldn’t. It really sucked.”

“I missed you too, Natalie,” I tell her, leaning in for a hug. She puts her arms around me and gives me her trademark bone crusher but I don’t feel anything but happiness. Mom smiles back at me from over Natalie’s shoulder and I can’t help but think that she somehow had a hand in getting us back together.

******

The next five days are pretty close to perfection. Natalie and I hang out and it is like there was no interruption in our friendship. Things are actually better because she has gotten Cale out of her system and the Natalie I used to know before she was so bent on self-destruction is back.

Dad and I spend Thanksgiving alone, pigging out on Mom’s last lasagna. I did a pretty good job on the bread. We even ate at the dining room table. We both glanced toward her empty spot at the table a few times each but considering this was our first holiday without her, I’m pretty proud of us.

I spend Black Friday shopping with Karen. I buy a few things for Dad and Daisy, knowing I won’t have time to shop with finals coming up. Karen is fun to be with and I hope that things work out with her and Dad. He deserves to be happy and from what I know of Karen, so does she.

The rest of the weekend is spent going to movies with Natalie and hitting a few parties with kids we graduated with. I get on the train feeling a million times lighter than when I got off a few days ago.

When I turn the knob to our dorm room, Jenna is already back. She takes one look at me, nods her head with approval, and says, “That’s more like it.”

We spend the next few weeks studying like crazy. Jenna says I’m finally sleeping through the night without calling out for Knox or my mom. Part of me feels sad that I seem to be getting over Knox but I know it’s for the best. I’m not completely healed, and maybe I never will be, but a thick scab seems to have grown over my wounds so everything doesn’t feel so raw anymore.

Natalie and I text each other every day. I worried that Thanksgiving break was all a mirage but things truly seem to be even better than before the fight with us. She asked me if I wanted to spend Christmas break working at Mozzarella to make some extra money. Her dad really wants me to so I finally agreed.

******

See u soon
, Natalie’s latest text chirps. I slam my suitcase shut, nervous and excited about going back home again. Jenna has already left so I have the room to myself tonight. I didn’t want to take the train at night and make Dad pick me up so late on a work night so I figured I would just chill out here for the night. The dorm is pretty much deserted with the exception of a few stragglers who aren’t in a hurry to make their way home back to their curfews and parents rules.

I slide into my flip-flops and make my way down to the showers. I take my time, enjoying that I don’t have to fight for hot water for once, then slowly make my way back to the room. I slip into a tank top and pajama bottoms, knowing I won’t have anyone to impress tonight. I survey Jenna’s DVD collection and decide on
Let’s Be Cops
.

I need something funny tonight. I snuggle under my covers and hit play.

Someone knocks on the door, startling me. I realize it is probably our resident assistant getting a head count of how many people are still here. I fling the door open but instead of our laidback RA, I’m face to face with Knox. I can’t stop myself from gasping in surprise.

“Hi, Ripley,” Knox says stiffly.

I cross my arms in front of my chest, suddenly aware that my tank top is practically see through. “Hi, Knox,” I squeak, trying not to stare at him but finding it impossible not to appreciate the way he fills out the camouflage uniform he’s wearing.

“I hope it’s okay that I’m here. Your dad gave me your address. I’m just on my way back home for Christmas,” he rambles, not meeting my eyes.

“It’s fine. I’m just surprised. Do you want to come in?”

Knox looks up and down the halls, suspiciously. “I don’t want to bother you. I know this is your new life and I’m kind of barging in.”

“It’s fine. Really. Everybody’s gone for Christmas break. I’m leaving in the morning,” I say, holding the door open for him. My heart is racing and I know if he says he isn’t coming in that I’m going to grab him and pull him in anyway.

He reluctantly walks through the door and I shut it behind us. The raucous laughs from the movie fill the room helping crowd out the awkward silence. I’ve dreamed of this moment for months and now that Knox is here with me I’m completely tongue-tied.

“Um, do you want to sit down?” I ask, pulling out the chair crammed under my side of the desk. He sits down, taking in the room. I quickly make my bed and sit down on top of it, facing him. I grab a sweater off the floor and struggle into it.

“You’re happy here,” he says matter-of-factly, watching the photos change in our digital photo frame. Most of the photos are of Jenna and I but a few have Mac and Jason in them. I watch Knox stiffen as a picture of Mac and I with our arms around each other comes up. “Your boyfriend?”

“Just a friend,” I clarify, ashamed to admit that the flash of jealousy I just recognized in him made me happy.

“I didn’t come here to wreck your new life or anything. I just felt like we had some unresolved issues. I get why you took off. The whole thing with your mom and my dad was pretty insane. I don’t know how long you carried that around but I understand why it freaked you out.”

The more he talks, the more I remember why I am absolutely, positively sure that I will never get over him. I want his hands on my body, his lips on my lips, and I don’t ever want to be away from him for the rest of my life. He knows everything but he is still here. That has to mean that he feels the same way. Doesn’t it?

“I’m sorry I kept everything from you, Knox. I was just so ashamed of everything that I felt Mom had done to your family.”

“She didn’t do anything. My parents were never right for each other. They were never in love the way my dad and your mom were. Or the way that we were,” he says, his eyes searching mine.

His words kick me in the gut.
The way we were
. Past tense. That’s how he can be so stiff and formal when I’m literally grabbing at my comforter to keep myself from straddling him and having my way with him.

I swallow hard, wondering if this is how Mom felt when Chad told her that Bea was pregnant. She did what she thought was right by letting him go. I won’t make the same mistake that she did. That’s not really being fair though. If she hadn’t made her sacrifice, I wouldn’t be here right now, especially not with Knox. As hard as it is to accept she’s gone, things were supposed to work out this way. I’m supposed to be with Knox.

I inch down to the end of the bed and hang my legs off the edge. They dangle precariously close to Knox’s. His eyes plead with me not to come any closer.

“Why did you really come here, Knox?”

“I don’t know,” he says, looking away from me. “I just knew that we would bump into each other in Jasper over Christmas and I wanted to get the weirdness over with. I just wanted to make sure that you were alright. I was worried about you, but it looks like you’re doing fine. So, I’m going to go.” He bolts up from the chair and takes two giant steps to the door.

He’s already pulling it open when I slam it closed and lock it. I’m not letting him go this time. Never again. He slowly turns around, looking miserable.

“I know you still want me,” I say, gripping his wrists, pushing him against the door. I press my lips against his neck, kissing softly at first then more urgently. I shrug the sweater off my shoulders so it drops to my arms, revealing my erect nipples poking through the sheer tank top material. I rub my nipples against his uniform shirt, listening to his breath quicken.

“I’ve always wanted you. You’re the one that keeps running away from me,” he says sadly.

“I’m done with that,” I say, meaning it. For the first time there are no secrets between us. Nothing stopping us from being together. “I want you forever, Knox.”

“Ripley,” he moans and that is all the permission I need. I reach for the buttons on his shirt, unbuttoning them with lightning speed, pausing for just a moment to run my hands over his powerful chest. I reach for his pants, pulling them open to release him. I almost cry when I touch his hardness, realizing how much I missed everything about him.

He rips off my tank top then plunges a nipple into his hot mouth. He pauses to pull off his boots and I slip out of my pajama pants and underwear then crawl on the bed with my legs spread, needing him.

I’m so delirious from lust that it takes me a minute to realize that he is digging around in his pocket for something. “It’s okay, Knox. I’m on the pill now.”

He glances up at me, distrust clouding his features. He approaches the bed and slides on top of me. “Have you been with anyone else?” he asks, practically holding his heart out for me to shatter.

“No, Knox. I haven’t been with anyone, I promise. I started having some lady issues and my nurse here said getting on the pill would help.”

“I don’t want to have any more secrets, Ripley,” he pleads, hovering above my lips. I pull his lips onto mine and bury my tongue deep into his mouth. I’m nearly ready to beg him to make love to me when I realize that he might have been with someone else. I jerk back, taking him by surprise.

“Have you been with someone else?” I ask, swallowing hard. In all these months I never once allowed myself to think about some random girl touching Knox. The very thought is revolting but now I’m only seconds away from possibly having to deal with that fact for the rest of my life.

“I do need to tell you something,” he says, acting strange.

“What?” I say, stiffening. Knox slides off me so I know this isn’t going to be good. My bed is only a twin so I flip over turning my back on him. I can’t take this news facing him.

“Turn over,” he commands, tracing down my arms with his fingertip.

“Just tell me,” I say, my voice already cracking.

“I didn’t want to do it like this but if you won’t turn around I guess I have no choice. Ripley, I’m getting engaged.”

A deafening roar fills my ears and I flip over to make sure I heard him right. Surely he didn’t just say he was getting engaged while we are laying naked together about to make love. I study his face, which is smiling for the first time since he got here. I glance down to see him holding open a ring box.

“Will you marry me, Ripley?” he asks, fear lacing his voice. “The last five months have been horrible and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without you.”

It takes my mind a minute to adjust to the fact that he isn’t going to tell me he’s fallen madly in love with someone else. When it finally registers, I realize that there is nothing I want more in the world than to be his wife.

“Yes, Knox. I will marry you,” I squeal, throwing my arms around him. He slips the ring on my finger, a perfect fit, and kisses me gently. The gentle kiss turns into one full of longing and needing and soon we are panting with desire.