Relativity (24 page)

“I hope you’re proud of yourself,” his girlfriend starts and I brace myself. “You nearly crushed his fragile ego when you realized he wasn’t who you thought he was. What were your exact words, honey?” she asks, gazing up at him, fluttering her lashes.

“I said it looked like she went to reach for a Butterfinger then realized it was a turd.”

I double over with laughter.

“The man’s a poet, I tell you,” she says, giggling with me. “So, you’re obviously jealous because you can’t have him, but I just have to know, who did you think he was?”

I straighten up, taking in the girl and her half head of purple hair for the first time. She looks absolutely nothing like Natalie and Nat wouldn’t be caught dead in the hipster ensemble she’s sporting but something about her still reminds me of my best friend.

“Just this guy from back home,” I answer, trying to keep it light.

“There’s a story here, Jason. I think we owe it to ourselves to get to the bottom of it,” the girl says as she grabs my arm and starts pulling me toward the entrance of the dorm.

“I have a feeling we are going to need sustenance to appreciate the weight of this story,” the guy, Jason, agrees, grabbing my other arm.

Surprisingly, I allow myself to be drug across campus to a local pizza joint where I spill my guts to two complete strangers. “Let me get this straight. The guy you love, Knox, is the reason that your mother couldn’t marry her true love?”

I nod, even though I hadn’t really thought of it that way. And for the first time I realize that if Mom would have lived, Knox could have ended up being my step-brother someday. That is just too weird to even consider. But if Mom would have lived so many things would have been different that it isn’t even healthy to dwell on it.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” Jason offers, just before folding another slice of pizza and stuffing it in his mouth.

“Yeah, that sucks for real,” the purple haired girl, Jenna, agrees.

“Thanks for listening, you two. I appreciate it.” I say, digging into a slice.

“We should adopt her,” Jenna says to Jason, like I’m not even here.

“She has potential,” he agrees.

“What if she doesn’t want to be adopted?” I ask, playing along.

“How many friends have you made since you got here in June?” Jenna asks, serious now.

I hold up a goose egg made with my thumb and index finger. She’s right. I can’t keep knocking around that big dorm by myself. I have to put myself out there. I can’t keep waiting for Knox and Natalie to show up and save me because that isn’t going to happen.

“So it’s settled. We’re your new best friends,” Jenna declares.

And just like that, I have two friends at college.

“I don’t think this is such a good idea,” I admit, nerves wracking my body. I stupidly let Jenna and Jason talk me into tagging along with them to a costume party at a friend of Jason’s.

“It’s Halloween, I wasn’t about to let you sit inside and sulk,” Jenna says, fixing her veil. She and Jason are dressed like a bride and groom and I’m dressed like a witch.

“I don’t mean the party, the set-up.”

“If you don’t like him then you don’t have to go out with him. Don’t make it a thing,” she says, tossing her hair.

Easy for her to say. She and Jason are like the most perfect couple ever. Sometimes just being around them makes me miss Knox. They seem to know every word that is about to come out of the others’ mouth and are always in sync.

I see Jason pulling a cute guy behind him and I fidget with my pointy hat.

“Ripley, this is Mac. Mac, this is Ripley,” Jason says, then disappears to get another beer.

I awkwardly hold out my hand and he shakes it. “I like your name. It’s really unusual,” Mac says, and I nod uncomfortably. What on earth made me think that I was ready to be set up?

“What’s your major?” I ask, and Jenna snickers a bit. I cut her a death look. I wasn’t good at chatting up guys before Knox and that whole experience definitely hasn’t made me any better.

“Biology. After I graduate with my bachelor’s, I’m hoping to get in to veterinary school,” he says, taking a sip of his drink.

His choice of career surprises me and I tell him about Daisy. We start chatting easily about animals and before long Jenna disappears.

“So what did Jason tell you about me?” I ask, hating that he probably knows my whole sob story.

Mac shakes his head, “Nothing. He just said that Jenna’s got a cute, single friend and asked if I would keep you company while he deflowered his bride,” he says, snickering.

I start cracking up, thankful that Jason didn’t give Mac my entire backstory, scaring him before we even hung out. “Those two are crazy but they’ve been so great to me.”

“Yeah, there are some people you meet that you just know they are going to be in your life forever. Jason’s like a brother to me.”

I nod my head in agreement, the music getting louder making it hard to hear now. Mac disappears for a second and comes back with a cup of plain Coke for me. I smile appreciatively that he didn’t bring me beer. I don’t have anything against drinking, I just don’t trust myself not to get shitfaced and stupid quite yet.

We spend the night dancing, talking, and admiring everyone’s costumes. I realize by the end of the night that I really like Mac. He sort of reminds me of Tate and he’s easy to be around. Jenna and Jason finally reappear and we all walk back toward the dorm together. They walk ahead of us, trying to give us space.

When we reach the entrance of the dorm, they disappear inside. I know they’ll be waiting for me inside the dorm room that Jenna and I now share wanting to hear every single detail of our night.

“I really like you, Ripley. Can we do this again sometime?” Mac asks nervously.

I look into his deep blue eyes that are so different from Knox’s amazing brown ones and realize that no one will ever be Knox, but Mac definitely has potential. I nod my head up and down, excitedly. I give him my cell phone number and disappear inside.

******

I really didn’t expect Mac to call the very same night but we have been together part of each day for the last week since Halloween. Tonight, we doubled with Jenna and Jason for pizza then Mac and I went to see a movie. When he reached for my hand in the theater it felt nice but it wasn’t the same electricity that I had with Knox.

He is walking me back to the dorm asking what I’m doing tomorrow. Something takes hold of me and I grab him, spin him toward me, and kiss him hard on the lips. He responds immediately, pulling me closer to him and teasing my tongue with his. I run my fingers through his hair, trying as hard as I can to feel something, anything, but it just isn’t there. I slowly pull out of the kiss and stare up at him.

“Friends?” he asks, thankfully noticing the lack of spark between us.

“Friends,” I say, sighing with relief. We say goodbye for the night and agree to hang out tomorrow. Even though we obviously aren’t meant to be lovers, if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can never have enough friends.

******

Jenna hobbles out of bed and stretches, yawning so loud she probably woke anybody in the dorm that wasn’t already awake.

“Rise and shine, sweet pea,” I tease, already throwing my clothes into my suitcase. We both leave for Thanksgiving break today. My train leaves in two hours but I’m trying to get out of here sooner so that Jenna and Jason can have some time alone before they separate for six days.

“Maybe if somebody didn’t wake me up every damn night with their sex dreams I wouldn’t be so tired,” she says. At first I think she’s teasing but then her eyebrow darts up and I realize she’s serious. I plop down on the bed, mortified.

“How do you know it’s a sex dream?” I ask, embarrassed.

“In the beginning, I thought it would pass,” she says, wiping her eyes. “But I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen somebody so in love before. They aren’t all sex dreams. Sometimes you just call for him. Or your mom.”

I knew deep down that I wasn’t really dealing with any of this. I tried to create another life to forget about the one I had before, hoping that eventually I’d be okay.

“One way or the other, you need to deal with all of this. It isn’t healthy just to keep trying to push it down,” she says, moving over to hug me.

“I just don’t know how I’m supposed to move past it all when there are so many secrets that still have to be kept. I can’t even talk to Knox because he’s gone,” I say, feeling deflated.

“There are phones in Texas, you know? And I think maybe you should go have a chat with your mom while you’re home, too,” she urges, squeezing me tight.

“You’ve been such a great friend. I’m sorry that you had to deal with any of this,” I say, leaning on her shoulder. I still miss Nat like crazy but Jenna has definitely helped dull some of that pain.

“Just promise me that you’ll at least go talk to your mom,” Jenna says.

I nod, even though I know I’m probably lying. I still haven’t been to Mom’s gravesite since the tombstone was set. I guess I knew it would make everything so real and final. I just couldn’t handle it. But I know Jenna is right, I can’t keep acting like she is just out of town. I have to face reality.

“I better get going,” I say, getting up to pack the rest of my stuff. I jam as much in as I can then lean on it so that I can zip it shut. I grab my purse, smile at Jenna, then make my way downstairs to the train shuttle.

I use the time on the train back to Jasper to make a few decisions. I know that Natalie will be home for break and I just have to see her. She will probably never forgive me but I have to at least try and see if some of our friendship can be salvaged. And Jenna was right, I do need to have a talk with my mom. It’s going to be a busy weekend.

******

The first day at home I’m content to hang out with Dad and Daisy, enjoying watching the tricks that he has taught her. I can’t leave the room without her following me to make sure she isn’t missing something. Dad has to work the next day so I scoop her up, which isn’t nearly as easy as it was eight weeks ago, and put her in the van. I drive toward the cemetery, grateful for her company.

The cemetery is at the very edge of Jasper in the country. It is right next to a beautiful brick country church that has been here for over one hundred years. I pull the van through the gates and down the worn grass path as close to Mom’s grave as I can get. I snap Daisy’s leash on her and grab the bouquet of pink roses I bought, and the old blanket I brought to sit on and walk up the hill toward the giant oak tree that I remember from the service. Daisy bounds happily along, not realizing this isn’t the kind of place where you should feel happy. I feel jealous of her for the thousandth time.

I carefully walk around the stones, glancing at names until I see Mom’s. It is a beautiful granite stone with a color picture of Mom staring back at me from an exquisite frame on the front of the stone. I didn’t expect to be actually looking at her and it makes me catch my breath a little. I avoid her eyes and spread the blanket out. I sit cross-legged and Daisy plops into the opening of my legs and promptly passes out.

“Connie Lynn Edgecombe, born January 13, 1970, died May 8, 2014. Devoted wife, mother, and friend,” I read aloud, still not meeting Mom’s eyes. I replace the wilted carnations in the vases to each side of Mom’s tombstone with the pink roses I brought. She always loved pink roses.

Tears start to drip down my face as I finally allow myself to admit how much I’ve missed her. Life will never be the same without her. She won’t be there to help me plan my wedding, or to hold my first child in her arms and give me parenting advice. She won’t be there because she is gone and she’s never coming back. I don’t know that I’ve ever actually admitted that until now. She’s never coming back.

“You made a real mess of things,” I tell her. “You just left us and we’ve had to try and figure out how to get along without you. We never realized all the things you did every single day to make our lives better. I never told you how much I appreciated you. But I did, Mom, I really did,” I sob, the words pouring out now.

“Dad’s doing okay. We got a dog. This is Daisy,” I introduce her, but she’s passed out with her head resting on my knee. “We’re okay but we’re never going to be the same without you. You were the glue that held us together. I love you and I forgive you.”

I sob into my hands, feeling a weight lifted off me by telling her that. I’ve been so mad at her since I realized she was having an affair. I was holding her up to an impossible standard because she had always been such a perfect mother. I never stopped to think that she was her own person with her own thoughts, dreams, and feelings. I just always thought of her in terms of me, and I realize now how unfair that was.

I wipe my tears, feeling better. Coming here was the right decision and I need to do it more. Maybe somehow she can hear me or see me. Just maybe. I’m about to wake Daisy when I realize I haven’t even come close to telling her everything.

“I’m in love with Knox, Mom. How crazy is that? He’s the whole reason that you and Chad couldn’t be together and I love him more than anything in the entire world and I know I always will. We can’t be together because I would never want him or Natalie to be crushed if they found out your secret but I know I’m lucky that I got to experience that kind of love, even just briefly. Most people never find that in their whole lifetime. But I had it for a little while once, just like you, Mom.”

A twig snaps behind me and I jump up and spin around, scaring Daisy. She starts barking her head off when she realizes we aren’t alone. I pick her up and scratch her ears, trying to calm her down. Natalie reaches out a hand and Daisy sniffs her realizing she isn’t a threat. Nat strokes the top of Daisy’s head as I try not to pass out wondering how long she’s been standing there.

“Hi,” I say, taking her in. She looks amazing even though she’s only wearing jeans and an SIU sweatshirt. She seems to have a peace about her that I haven’t seen for a long time.