Red Sun (38 page)

Jolon’
s eyes softened a little and then closed when he slowly leaned in to kiss me, one hand holding the back of my neck while the other slammed the door shut behind him.  I inhaled him in through my mouth and exhaled him through my nose with each rapid breath. The water from his body was now on mine, soaking through my nightshirt.  Shouldn’t this feel wrong?  Isn’t there supposed to be some connection between Elan and I that should make me push his brother away?  For a split second, I wished that I had some sort of self-restraint when it came to Jolon, but then again self-restraint can at times be overrated. 

I held on to him so tight that he had to push me back a few inches
so that he could take off my shirt.  I don’t even remember separating my mouth from his long enough for him to pull it over my head, but it was now flung over the back of the desk chair.  My hands impatiently ran down the length of his body and stopped at the top of his pants, but only briefly before I pushed them down to the floor for him to step out of.  His steps inched me back toward the bed where I laid with the weight of his body on top of mine.  It felt like I couldn’t get him close enough.  He brought out this side of me that I never knew existed.  Within me, there was a raw eroticism that lay dormant until the first time he touched me – as if he, himself, brought my body to life. 

I’d been lying to myself, trying to pretend that I didn’t need this again.  The truth is, it was only a matter of time before I came
looking for him – no, not looking –
begging
for him to do it again.  I drew him closer with my legs and held his back while he lightly kissed my neck, his chest pressed right against mine.  Between my legs, I felt his erect flesh practically pleading for me to let him in, but his will was strong enough to resist being hasty.  I smiled a little and ran my foot down the back of his leg, causing him to exhale into my skin. I couldn’t help but to wonder what was going through his head.  Last time, there was a tremendous amount of guilt that he carried…..but I wasn’t sure if it was there now.  What were his plans for afterward this time?  Would he be cold or would he at least pretend until we got home?

Jolon separated his lips from me and stared down into my eyes with only an inch or two between us.  I
stared, waited, trying not to be too anxious.  Slowly, gently, he put an end to my suffering.  Finally, he stopped torturing us both and joined his body with mine, flooding my memory with thoughts of how it felt last time. 

Just as
slowly as he entered, he pulled out again almost all the way and then pushed his way inside again.  I closed my eyes and arched my back, closing the distance between our bodies even more.  He did this over and over again unhurriedly, pausing in between each thrust, leaving me completely speechless.  All I could do was moan into his shoulder.  His scent was incredible.  I could recall how last time, even days later, I thought I still smelled him on my skin.  Secretly, I inhaled it again to make sure that I didn’t forget it.  Our bodies were intertwined, my brown skin with the deep richness of his red tone.   So close together, our complexions almost looked the same.  His beauty was overpowering, so much so that I had to keep opening my eyes just to stare at him, convincing myself that I hadn’t made him up in my head.  Every time I did this, he was already watching me. 

T
emporarily inebriated, I focused when Jolon spoke softly.  “I can’t do it, Solei,” he breathed. Naturally, I thought of a number of things that he could be meaning, but I didn’t try to speak – only listened.  “You’re all I think about.  I can’t sleep most nights because I dream about you and wake up thinking you’re really there.”  He paused for a moment.   “I’ve been fighting it because I thought I had to, but……pretending that I don’t love you isn’t an option anymore.” 

He leaned down and kissed my l
ips once, his eyes fixed on mine when he backed away.  “Because I
do
,” he whispered.  “I love you.”  The words he’d just spoken echoed in my head.  I was in a state of disbelief.  He’d just admitted the one thing that changed, well…..
everything
.

“
I love you too,” I replied. He knew long before now that I felt this way, but now it meant something altogether different since he’d said it too – said it
first
actually
. 

Jolon
raised one hand to my forehead and pushed back my sweat dampened hair, all without breaking his gaze.  For the first time, I could see it in his eyes.  He really
did
love me.  He leaned toward my ear.  “Is this what you want?”  He breathed.

I struggled to say the word, “Yes,” and then fell silent again.

His back tensed in my hands when his movements became stronger – deeper.  “I’m not talking about me making love to you.  I mean is
this
what you want – to be with
me
?”

I didn’t even have to think about my answer. 
“Since the first day I saw you,” I confessed in a whisper.  In that moment, I undid all of the work I’d done to harden my heart toward him.  Again he leaned in to kiss me, a faint smile on his lips.

Jolon didn’t speak again until we’d finished and I was lying in his arms.  He held me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder while we both stared out the window at the falling rain
– no need to worry about being found or having to leave one another that night.  Our naked bodies were warm beneath the covers and I felt like we were meant to be together this way, forever.  This time felt very different from the last.  Before, he felt ashamed of what we’d done – he couldn’t wait to get away from me so that he could forget it.  But now, he laid there content, keeping me close, letting me know that he wasn’t going to hide his feelings from me any longer.  He shifted a little and pulled me even closer. It felt good.  It felt
right. 

“
What now?”  He asked quietly.  It was a very clear and valid question, but I had no answer.

I shrugged, truly at a loss for words.  Telling me that he loved me didn’t mean that he was going to outright hurt his brother
now.  It simply meant that when it was just me and him, he wasn’t going to pretend anymore.  What either of us were supposed to do about Elan alluded me at the moment – and apparently Jolon had no more of an idea how this was supposed to go than I did.  Now that he had finally made me feel as though my loving him wasn’t all in vain, I felt my feelings for Elan beginning to fade.  He wasn’t a substitute by any means, but at the same time, I always knew that what I felt for Jolon was much stronger no matter how hard I fought against it.

Jolon sighed
“My brother or not – I can’t handle sharing you with someone else.”  He shook his head. “I don’t know a man who could.  But I still can’t bring myself to just tell him everything.”  He paused.  “I mean if it was strictly feelings that would be bad enough, but we’ve already…..you know – crossed so many lines.  I wouldn’t even know
what
to say to him.  And lying to him just isn’t in me.”

I felt sorry for Jolon. 
Not that my position was all that great, but Elan was only my boyfriend, not my brother.  Remembering the stories Elan told about their childhood and the loyalty that existed between them was probably only a limited look into the dynamics of their relationship.  And even just knowing the little that I did, I felt bad.

Jolon exhaled
, his breath lightly touching my skin.  “Part of me thinks he already knows something anyway.”

“A
bout
us?” 
I asked, surprised.

“Maybe not all the details, but
something,” he replied. 

“
Why?  He said something?”  I wasn’t scared, but if I was under suspicion I preferred to know before talking to Elan again.  While I knew that he was aware of feelings on Jolon’s part, I had no inkling that he might be distrustful of me too. 

I felt Jolon
shrug behind me.  “He says things every now and then that make me wonder, but mainly he just runs interference – like he’s paranoid about you and me getting too close.”  He stopped to yawn.  “The first time I noticed it was that night you stayed and Kaya came by.” 

I cringed when he said her name, remembering the details she’d given me about their time together.
 

“When you said it wasn’t you that want
ed to hook us up, I knew something was up,” Jolon continued.  “Cause when Elan brought it up he made it seem like you were the one pushing it.  It’s like he goes out of his way to prove that you’re only into him.  Like the thing with him putting the pictures on the bathroom mirror for instance.”

I laughed a little.  “Yeah, that caught me off guard when I first saw it too.  I couldn’t figure out why he’d put them up
on display like that.”

“T
hat was for my benefit I guess,” he replied, sounding a little annoyed.  “I’ve never seen him so insecure in a relationship before – maybe because we’ve never been into the same girl before.”

I shrugged.  Jolon was quiet while he thought.

“What’s on your mind?”  I asked, stroking the back of his hand.

He didn’t answer right away which made me even more curious.  “Just thinking –
wondering how this is gonna turn out.”

There was no solution to pull out of the air.  Jolon and
I would have to make most of the rules up as we went along.  The only thing I was sure of was that breaking up with Elan randomly wouldn’t go over very well – especially not if he was already suspicious.  My main concern now became making as little a mess of their relationship as possible.  Things between them had to remain intact because they’re brothers, but the most I could hope for would be that Elan and I could one day be friends after all the dust settled. 

“I guess we’ll just let this play out then – let nature take
its course and see where we end up,” Jolon finally concluded.  I didn’t like leaving it open-ended any more than he did, but what were our options?  He could tell Elan everything and possibly ruin their relationship forever.  He could go back to how he was treating me before and pretend that there wasn’t anything between us.  I could end things with Elan myself, but the risk was too high that he’d still find out about me and Jolon which would still make things sticky between them. 

Not to mention, I still had to figure out how to deal with Kaya.  It wasn’t sitting right with me to just keep letting her throw herself at Jolon when I knew that he wasn’t interested at all.  But then again, telling her that it was me who had his attention wouldn’t go so
well either and she obviously doesn’t like me giving my input.  To be quite honest, it seemed like keeping our relationship a secret from everyone was the best way to handle this, although, neither of us really wanted it that way.  How long would it go on?  Weeks?  Months?  And what was I supposed to do when Elan wanted to hang out?  Keep blowing him off?  That wouldn’t work because he’d realize something was off.  So, if I keep going out with him and dating him like I’m not sleeping with his brother behind his back who does that really benefit?

I lay there wondering to myself what the next day would hold.  There were so many uncertainties facing Jolon and I both.  He’d return home to look his brother in the eye knowing what we’d just done and I had to deal with my father who would definitely want to know where I’d been
all night.  If I thought about it too hard it’d make me sick to my stomach.  So, instead I closed my eyes and just enjoyed being in Jolon’s arms.  Nothing could stop me from doing that…..not for tonight anyway.

Chapter
Fifteen

When I awoke, the bathroom light was on and water was running.  I looked around the room, raki
ng my fingers through my hair.  The light of morning forced the reality that the night before had not all been something I’d dreamt up.  The space where Jolon had slept beside me all night was still just a little warm from his body heat.  His words rang in my head again, ‘
I love you’,
in the same sweet tone he’d spoken them.  I smiled a little, finding that I – unlike last night – cared very little about what any of the consequences of his admission would be.  I wasn’t thinking about anyone’s feelings being hurt or anyone questioning my morality.  Maybe those feelings would return to me later.  But for now?  I was doing an excellent job of making myself believe that this could all somehow work out in my favor.

The sound of the door unlatching pulled my attention away from my thoughts and over to where Jolon was now standing in the doorway.  He leaned against the frame and stared, the faintest of smiles on his lips while he thought of me.  There was mu
ch more distance between us than I cared for, so I beckoned for him to come back and lie down again.  My eyes were fixed on him as he crossed the room and then joined me beneath the covers again.  Still naked, he drew my body closer to his.

“Would it be a bad idea to stay another night?”  I asked, smiling to myself because I knew the answer already.  The longer both of us stayed missing, the more suspicious it would seem when we popped back into town at the same time. 

Jolon laughed quietly.  “It wouldn’t be
bad
, but I was supposed to be on a job at six this morning.  That means Elan had to go alone and I can’t leave him hanging this afternoon too.”

I nodded and kissed him once, understanding that we couldn’t stay here forever – but one more night would’ve been nice.  “Just thought I’d ask,” I added, yawning.

He ran his hand up and over my hip twice while he spoke.  “Don’t worry, we’ll find time to get away again,” he assured me.  That sounded all well and good, but I wasn’t sure if that was going to work.  There’d probably always be something that would come up and keep us from being together.  If it wasn’t me worrying about my dad catching on to what I was doing, it’d be Jolon worrying about Elan, or me worrying about Kaya.  Jolon assessed the sour look on my face.  “What’s the matter?”  He asked.

I shrugged.  “Just thinking about what you said.  I just wish there was a way we could do this and not have to hide.  You know?  We’re never gonna have time together because someone’s always gonna be around.  Then I don’t even
wanna think about having to pretend with Elan.  He’s gonna see right through me,” I rambled.

Jolon nodded.  “It won’t be easy, but it won’t always be like this either.”

“Yeah, but how can you be so sure?  I mean, I don’t want to mess up you and Elan’s relationship.  I
never
wanted that.  All I can think about is how I’d feel if someone had come in between me and
my
sister.  I don’t wanna see that happen because if something happens to one of you and you’re not speaking or something…..”

Jolon put his finger over my lips to quiet me before I became hysterical.  “Solei, me and Elan will survive this.  And if for some reason we don’t, it would be
my
fault – not yours.  I started this, remember?  You didn’t come to me that night – I came to
you.”

“Yeah, but I went along with it.”

He laughed a little.  “You can really be a mood killer when you wanna be.  You know that?”  He said playfully.

“I’m not trying to be.  I’m just…..I don’t know.”

He kissed my forehead.  “Listen – stop worrying, get dressed, and I’ll take you home.  Later, we’ll talk about it some more and try to sort things out.”

I nodded and hugged him before pulling the sheet back and standing to my feet.  When I stretched, I heard Jolon behind me.

“Mmm…,” he breathed.  I turned to find him staring at my figure and smiling a little.  “But who says we have to leave right
now
?”  He raised one eyebrow suggestively and bit his lip, prompting me to laugh as I climbed back in bed with him.  There was no rush to get home any time soon, so we made the best of the time we had alone.

By noon, we were on the road headed back to Conway.  It was a quiet somber ride as we traveled closer and closer to reality, leaving behind the solitude and peace we’d stolen the night before.  It felt like the air got thicker and thicker the minute we headed in the direction of home.  I was seated in the middle between the passenger and driver’s seat so that I could lean on Jolon.  He had one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting on my thigh while he drove silently.  I would’ve given anything if I thought I could change his mind and convince him to turn back around, but he’s stronger than I am in this situation.  In no way was I expecting for this to be easy on him,
but he seemed to have a clearer perspective than me.  I was doing my best not to be a nervous wreck.  If I could, I’d hide away for a few weeks and get myself together, but there was no running from this.

Jolon drove me within about a two minute walk of my house and shut off the engine.  I knew already that my father was waiting in the
living room, probably reciting in his head everything that he wanted to say to me.  He’d more than likely forgotten all about the situation with Alicia when I failed to come home all night.  Knowing him, his assumptions about what I was doing were right on target which meant that I had to prepare myself to lie – something else that I wasn’t in the mood for.

When I kissed
Jolon, my heart felt heavy.  On top of everything, I had to leave him until who knows when.  Would it be days before I’d see him again, a week or more?  The thought of putting on this façade for everyone tore me apart.  As I reached for the door handle, Jolon grabbed my hand and looked me in my eyes.  “It won’t always be like this,” he said – or maybe it was a promise.  I heard him, even believed that he believed it himself – but promises are made to be broken, right?  I thought about him during the time that passed on my short walk home.  I could feel my father’s rage hit me as soon as I crossed the threshold.

“
Where’ve you been?”  His voice was stern and full of suspicion.  I sighed and shook my head at how accurate I was when I imagined how this moment would be.  I glared at him across the room.  He hadn’t even let me set my bags down before badgering me.  “Solei, I swear if you were with that boy I’ll find him and…”

“
Find him and do what, Dad?”  I asked coyly.  “Me staying out gets you all emotional, but your wife throwing dishes at my head is alright?” I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I paced to my room.

“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you.”

“Whatever,” I mumbled under my breath. As soon as my suitcase hit the floor he was on my heels.

“Walk away from me again when I’m talking to you and see what happens,”
he warned, prompting me to roll my eyes and huff when I sat on my bed.  When I didn’t respond, he asked again, “Where……have you…..
been
?”

“Is that really all you have to say to me – where have I been?  You don’t want my side of what happened yesterday?  Alicia’s word is all you need?”  I asked.

“We’ll get to that, Solei.  But first I want you to explain where you were last night.  You weren’t here so I need some answers.”

I glared at him, giving no response.

“You were with that boy weren’t you?”  He asked the question so quietly, almost like the revelation shocked him although he’d laid awake all night thinking about it.

I smiled a little
, glad that
something
I did could still get a rise out of him – even if it was negative.  “If I was?”  I asked nonchalantly.

His eyes narrowed and I could see his entire body tense up. 

Before he had a conniption, I pulled a lie out of my back pocket and decided to ease his mind.  “I was with Kaya, Dad,” I finally lied.  “I gave her gas money to come get me.  She met me at the park down the street from Alicia’s house and I stayed with
her
last night.”  It came out so easily that
I
almost believed it myself.

“So, now it’s just Alicia’s house?”
  He asked, totally ignoring everything else I’d said.

“Dad, it’s
been
Alicia’s house!  She makes that known.  I can’t help it if you can’t see that.”  I felt myself getting mad all over again. 

“Is this about Vince?  I know you really cared about him, but…”

I caught myself before the bad word on the tip of my tongue slipped out, making sure to give my father the edited version of the thought in my head.  “
Forget
Vince!” I yelled.  “I’m over him!  That has nothing to do with
any
of this.”

“Then what is it?  What could she have done that made it seem rational for you to…
.” He paused and shook his head while he thought of how ridiculous he thought my actions were.  “What made it seem rational to throw the telephone through the window, Solei?!?  Explain that to me if you can.”

I looked away and folded my arms over my chest. 
“For what?  You’re gonna assume I’m lying anyway.”  He was silent.  “You should just leave me here like I asked you to and go back to her where you belong.”  I turned to look him in his eye again.  “You’ve always been more of a husband to her than you’ve
ever
been a father to me anyhow.”  That hurt him and it felt good.

He lowered his head, lowering his eyes to
the ground.  “That’s really how you feel?” 

“You saying I’m wrong?”
  I replied snidely, scolding him with my eyes.  “Maybe you live on a planet where loyalty means nothing…..but not me.  You let Alicia do and say whatever she wants to me and by you not standing up for me she thinks it’s ok.  So, in a way, you’re just as bad as she is. 
That’s
why I went off. 
That’s
why I threw the phone.  If you won’t put her in her place, then I guess I had to.”

“Solei, I’ve taken care of you for years.  You needed money for clothes – I gave it to you.  You needed money to hang out with your friends – I gave it to you.  You needed money to…..”

“Listen to yourself!”  I yelled.  “Everything you just said has to do with money.  Not one time did you say anything about
you
being there for me.  You’re just like her!  You think that you can do all these things and create all these gaps in a person’s life and then throw your wallet at it thinking it’ll fix it, but life’s not like that!  You can’t mend broken hearts or make up for lost time with money, Dad!  Can’t you see that?”  I wiped my face to push aside my tears.  “When I lost Mom you made room for me in your home, but
never
in your heart.  You were so worried about keeping Alicia pacified that you remedied
my
situation with material things.  And then you wonder why I always have my hand out for something.  You made me like that!  That’s why I never cried until I got here.  You never asked me how I was dealing with things or if I was ok – you just gave me a bottle of pills and your credit card.  I needed
you…..
nothing else.”  I shook my head and took a deep breath.

He stood there hushed, his hand over his mouth thoughtfully while he watched the floor.

“And for the record…..Alicia called my mother low-class, lazy and irresponsible.  She said that she used to try and sneak Mom extra money so she’d be sure me and Shalon never ended up coming to live in her house and ruin her perfect life,” I stood to my feet, getting ready to walk out of the room.  “But if you really knew me, you’d know that I wouldn’t have flipped out like that over a guy.”

I slid on my flip-flops and stormed out of the house, completely unsure of where I was headed.  All I knew was that I couldn’t stay there. 
More than anything, I wanted Jolon.  He was the only one who’d understand what I was going through.  But I knew deep down that I couldn’t call on him like that.  He was more than likely at home with Elan trying to account for his whereabouts and make his story sound believable.  Now was not the time to burden him with more of my issues.  I stood at the bridge and stared in the direction of the reservation.  Then my eyes drifted back toward my house feeling stuck.  My heart was pulling me in one direction, but this wasn’t the time to follow it. 

All I could think to do was to keep my feet moving. 
It was hot and humid out because of the storm that passed through, but I barely noticed how uncomfortable the walk was because I was so upset.  It seemed like I got to Ruthann’s shop in a matter of seconds.  When I walked in, my face was wet with tears and I could feel my eyes burning red.  This wasn’t quite where I wanted to be, but perhaps where I needed to be.

Ruthann
didn’t even hesitate to lock the front door and take me to the back.  She sat beside me, wiping my face with a cool rag.  I cried a little while longer, but felt the emotion beginning to subside the longer I was with her.  The kindness that exuded from her always made me feel better almost instantly.