Red Sun (32 page)

“I’ll consider it.  But I’m gonna hold you to your word.  I want to see applications coming in here left and right.  Getting your education is not an option.  Your mother would’ve felt the same way.”

I nodded.  He was right about that.

“I’m gonna do this…..for you…..
and
mom.” 

He smiled and got up from his chair to hug me.  As I stood there in his arms, I felt an overwhelming compulsion to make him proud of me.  As much as I bucked against him, I couldn’t deny that he loved me.  My father had disappointed me in the past
, just as I had him – we were both far from perfect.   But I couldn’t help but to notice how hard we were both trying to make up for lost time.  When he released me and immediately paced back to the bathroom, I began to think that me staying behind would be harder on him than I realized.

I found Tarik sitting on the edge of my bed with his phone still in hand, texting his girl I assumed.  He looked up at me only briefly just to see that it was me and then back down at his phone.  I sat beside him and stared at the wall.

“How’d it go?”

I shrugged.  “Fine I guess.  It seemed like he was listening, but only time will tell.”

Tarik chuckled a little.  “So, you’re really trying to stay here?”  There was surprise in his tone.

I nodded, still staring at the wall.  “I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but…..maybe after you spend a couple days here you’ll start to see why I don’t
wanna go back.”  I laughed a little.  “And not having to deal with Alicia is just an added bonus.”

“I feel
you, I just don’t want you making a decision because of no dude.”

I waved him off.  “That’s just what my dad’s thinking
.  I started thinking about staying long before me and Elan hooked up.  Besides, like I said, I don’t even know what’s up with that right about now.”

“Elan?
  What kind of name is that?”

I smiled. 
“A Native American name.”

Tarik raised an eyebrow and turned away from his phone for the first time since arriving.  The look on his face was mostly shock.  “What?”

“What?”  I retorted.

“A Native American name?”

I shrugged.  “Did you honestly think there were black guys way out here in ‘the middle of nowhere’ as you put it?  We
are
right by the Reservation you know.”

“I knew that, I just didn’t see you…..I didn’t see that…….I just assumed he w
as black I guess.  I never really considered that you’d hooked up with an Indian.”

I laughed.  “You do know that’s not the politically correct term, right?”

Tarik shrugged.  “Whatever, you know what I mean.”  He thought about it for a minute.  “That’s pretty cool though I guess.  How long ya’ll been talkin’?”

“
Mmmm…..talking for most of the time I’ve been here, so like a few months – together officially just about a week now though.”

“Dang!
  What’d he do to piss you off after only a week?”

I thought about how to answer Tarik’s question.  Truthfully, Elan had done
nothing
wrong – I had.  While there isn’t much that Tarik and I don’t share with one another, this was different.  He was there for me when I was trying to get over the whole Vince thing so he knew how I felt about him cheating on me.  Now, here I was doing the very same thing to Elan that had been done to me.  The only thing saving me from feeling like I was just as terrible a person as Vince is the fact that I really do have love for Jolon.  Vince’s indiscretions were always with random girls that meant as little to him as I did.  There was no rhyme or reason, no inkling that he was ever following his heart when he’d do what he did.  Vince was a coldblooded cheater – a
serial
cheater.

“Hello?”  Tarik said impatiently, waving his hand in front of my face while I thought.

I pushed his hand away.  “Quit!  I was trying to think,” I hissed.

“You have to think about what he did wrong? 
That don’t make sense.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Not about that, dummy.  He didn’t do anything wrong.  Things with us are just…..just a little hard to explain.”

Tarik set his phone down on my nightstand which meant that he was really curious about my situation.  From the corner of my eye, I could see him cock his head to the side as questions began to pop into his head.  “Did
you
do something then?”

I scrunched up my face.  “No!”  He saw right through that.

“Solei…..I’m probably the one person you can’t lie to – not even when you try.  You did something, the only thing I’m not sure of is what it is that you did.”  He continued to stare.  “And you know I’ll figure it out.  All I gotta do is…..”

“Ok, ok, ok…” I paced toward the door and closed it so that only a sliver of light from the hallway was showing through.  When I sat on
my bed, I thought that maybe I’d give lying another go, but I reconsidered when I looked at Tarik’s face.  He was right.  Every time I’d ever tried to deceive him, he knew right away.  There was no point in even trying it.  But could I really tell him everything?  Tell him that I’d had a little extracurricular activity with Elan’s brother? The longer I took to respond, the deeper Tarik’s curiosity ran and if I didn’t say something soon he’d jump to his own conclusions anyway.

He sighed.

“Stop it!  I’m about to tell you.  I’m just trying to figure out how to say it.”

“No, you’re trying to figure out what you can leave out,” he corrected.

I rolled my eyes again, hating how well he knew me.  When I began to speak, I looked down at my toenails – painted blue again.  “I…..I….may or may not have…..been unfaithful to him.”

Tarik already knew that “may or may not have”
was code for I did it and I’m guilty as sin.  His expression was unreadable.

“When’d you do it?”

“Last night.”

“Does he know?”

“No.”

There was a suspicious pause.  “Does he know the guy you cheated with?”

I closed my eyes and took a breath.  There was no point in holding anything back.  “Yeah.”

“You slept with dude’s friend?”  Tarik shook his head at me.  “Dang, Solei.  That’s out cold.”

If he was reacting so negatively to thinking that I’d slept with Elan’s friend, how would he respond if he knew it was really his brother?  That realization kept me from correcting his assumption.

“Either one of ya’ll gonna tell him?  Don’t you think he has the right to know?  Think about how you felt when Vince…..”

“I know all that Tarik!  Dang!  I just told you that it happened last night.  There hasn’t been much time to think of a game plan.  It wasn’t planned, Tarik; it just happened.”

“Famous last words,” he mumbled.

“That’s why I didn’t wanna tell you.  I knew you were gonna act like this.”

“Act like what?  You know I don’t front for nobody – not even you.  I’m supposed to pretend like you
ain’t wrong cause we’re cool?  Naw, you already know.”

“Listen, I already know I’m wrong.  I don’t need you reminding me.  All I’m saying is that I need time to think and you’re not helping.”

He was still shaking his head.  All of a sudden, I was sorry that he was even here at a time like this.  Now that he knew, he’d never let me have peace about the situation so that I could wrap my head around this whole thing.  When Tarik picked up his phone, I knew that was his way of tuning me out.  I lay back on my bed and followed the cracks in the ceiling with my eyes.  There were enough of them that they created a web-like pattern – reminding me of the old saying about the consequences of weaving a web of deception.  But I didn’t see any other way of handling this. 

For about the third time since I’d started telling Tarik what I’d done, my phone sounded off.  Without looking I knew that it was Elan.  My abrupt exit while he showered was sure to raise questions, but not as many as he would’ve had if I’d stuck around and had the emotional breakdown I did as soon as I got home.  The least I
could’ve done is text him to let him know that I was ok, but I was too distraught to think clearly until now.  The phone rang again and Tarik looked at me out of the corner of his eye, acknowledging that he knew who it was and that he knew I was avoiding the inevitable.  I sighed and continued to ignore the noise and just stared at the ceiling.

That night was a sleepless one.  I even considered taking my pills, but decided against it when I remembered how glad my father was to hear that I’d been off them so long.  So, instead, I lay there in the dark, listening to Tarik toss and turn on the cot against the fa
r wall.  My mind was too cluttered to really focus on one particular aspect of the situation.  Instead, I thought about everything – one detail at a time.  The main thing that stuck out was how Jolon played me.  I mean, I get why he feels bad.  I really do.  But to say that he regrets what happened between us was hurtful to say the least.  I kept trying to see his side of it, but my own feelings were in the way.  I just kept imagining him chilling like he didn’t have a care in the world – like he hadn’t just broken my heart.  Was he really fine with things the way they are?  Had he even thought about me since I’d left their house that morning?  While my thoughts ran rampant, my phone went off again.  It was well after three.

“
U up?
” 
Elan’s text read.  Those two words ran through my head over and over again and I wavered back and forth trying to decide whether or not to respond.

I gripped my phone tightly, staring at it.
 
“Yes,
”
I finally replied, nearly ten minutes later.

“
Did I do something 2 piss u off?”
 
Great.  Now he’s blaming himself for me being distant.  As if I didn’t already feel bad enough.

“No….I just
havea lot going through my head right now.
”
  I sent the message and waited.  I knew that the questions were about to start and I could only speculate what they might be. 

“Is t
hat why you left without saying anything and have been ignoring my calls all day?
”
  He asked.  I couldn’t tell if there was anger behind his questionor if he was just inquiring.  Before I could respond he added
,
“Just call me instead of texting if you feel like talking.”

I didn’t feel like talking, but I owed him that. 
Before calling, I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water to clear my throat – I needed all the help I could get sounding like I had nothing to hide.  The phone rang once and he picked up.  He didn’t say anything, but I could hear the TV in the background.  I took a deep breath and realized that he
was
angry, but was giving me a chance to explain myself.

“I shouldn’t have left like that, Elan.  I’m sorry.  There are just things going on with me that I don’t really want to talk about,” I explained.

“So your solution is to shut me out?  I’m not asking you to spill your guts or anything, but at least don’t treat me like I’m the problem.”  He paused.  “Am I the problem?  Are you having second thoughts about this?”

I felt like such an idiot.  All of this could’ve been avoided if I’d just turned Jolon away last night.  It wasn’t like us being intimate brought us any closer.  For all I know, he may completely avo
id me now.  I listened to Elan breathe on the other end of the phone and considered just telling him that I can’t do this.  I couldn’t imagine kissing him or being in his arms pretending like nothing happened when I knew I’d done him so wrong.  He deserved better than this – he deserved better than
me
.  I thought about it for a few seconds that felt more like hours.  I knew that letting him go was the right thing to do and yet the words wouldn’t come out.  Now more than ever I needed to know that someone loved me and that there was a man on Earth that wanted more from me than just my body.  So far, he’s the only one that seems to fit that description.  Had my love for Jolon faded?  No, of course not, but I had to make myself forget about him and focus on the one who knew how to love me back. 

“No, you’re not the problem.  I am.”

He was silent for a while, mulling over what I said.  His tone was intentionally unfeeling to mask his hurt when he asked.  “Do you not wanna do this, Solei?  I’d rather you tell me now rather than wait just to spare my feelings.”

A tear ran toward my pillow
as I lay on my back staring at the ceiling.  I was doing to him what Vince had done to me.  How evil does someone have to be to inflict pain like this on another person? 

Elan continued when I failed to respond.  “Look…..I love you – a lot actually, but if you’re not ready…..I’ll just have to respect that and give you your space.”

My heart ached.  While this may be hard to believe considering my actions 24 short hours ago – I truly love Elan too.  While that love isn’t as seasoned as my love for Jolon, it’s strong enough that I knew I didn’t want to let him go.  Besides, I realized that it was time to let Jolon go because I was holding on alone; he wasn’t allowing himself to have any ties to me so I needed to do the same. 

“No,” I protested.  “That’s not what I want.”

“But you don’t seem happy!  Why go through the motions, Solei?”

I knew that my behavior had created these insecurities and Elan’s distrust.  There was nothing I could do to take it back.  All I could do now was build the relationship back up which would have to start by tearing down what remained of my relationship
with Jolon.  There could be no contact – no conversation – not even at the shop.  Hopefully he’d already planned to stop coming in anyway.  Last night was the last chance I’d give him to embarrass and use me.  What sense did it make to waste time on him when there was a man on the other end of the phone that felt no qualms about loving me?  Elan is by far the better option.

“I’m so sorry for making you question our relationship.  I really mean that,” I explained.  “I
suppose I have a few hang-ups that I wasn’t ready to admit to…..but this is what I want. 
You’re
what I want.”  Elan listened as I spoke the words in broken syllables in between sobs.  The TV still droned in the background and I wondered what he was thinking.  Did he think I was being insincere?  Did he detect that I had something to hide?

“I’m not trying to second guess you but are you sure about that?”

I wiped my face with both hands.  “Positive,” I replied with a clear conscience.  “I’m positive that this is what I want.”

“Solei…..I’m not trying to be your knig
ht in shining armor or anything like that.  I’m not rich or on my way to being rich for that matter.  I’ve got just as many skeletons in my closet as the next guy, my credits only so-so, and I sometimes act without thinking – so I’m not trying to pretend that I’m perfect.  All I’m capable of doing absolutely right, is love you – that’s really all I have to offer.”  He paused.  “I’m not asking you to be perfect either.  But what I
am
asking you to do is be up front with me.  If you have something on your mind in the future, just talk to me.  That way neither of us is left to wonder what’s going on.”

His request was fair enough.  “Ok,” I replied.  At least I felt a
little
better.  Now he no longer thought that he’d done something wrong that made me behave the way I had, but there was still this huge pink elephant in the room that I wasn’t sure how long I could ignore – even if he had no idea that it was there.  We ended our conversation shortly after resolving our issue, but I still couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t stop myself from doing a side by side comparison of me and Vince.  Was I really no better than him?  The loser that I loathed for what he’d done to me now seemed more like my own reflection in the mirror.  How could I sleep with his brother?  Where was my self-control that night?  Could I have even stopped it from happening if I tried?  I screamed in my head, unable to do it out loud.  I was beginning to hate myself – and Jolon a little too.  How dare he put me in such a position and then leave me standing alone as if I’d committed the act on my own.

I felt nauseous the entire ride to Ruthann’s.  There was no way to predict how my day would go.  There were three people that I didn’t really want to face right away – all for different reasons.  Number one on that list was Jolon.  My reasons for avoiding that situation are clear enough that I don’t feel the need to explain further.  Kaya was second.  She had no clue that I had any sort of feelings for Jolon and she’d be pissed when
, and if, she ever found out.  Not to mention how she’d feel if she knew that I accomplished what she’d tried to the night before.  Although Jolon had initiated our encounter, I became just as guilty when I willingly went along with his plan.  Kaya was becoming a really good friend and I was afraid of what would happen if she ever found out.  Part of me wondered if that was something I could, or even
should,
keep from her.  Third was Elan.  Granted we’d resolved much of our issue, but I still had reservations about looking him in the eye.  I felt dirty – like he’d be able to look at my face and see exactly what I’d done in his bed.

The bright spot in this day was that Tarik was going to be coming into the shop with me both days that he was visiting.  I was surprised that he got up willingly to get dressed.  He even seemed excited about meeting Ruthann and seeing what more there was to Conway.  I secretly hoped that he wouldn’t be too disappointed when he realized that there wasn’t a whole lot more to see. 

My dad pulled up in front of the store and unlocked the doors.  Tarik stepped out, but just as I got ready to do the same, my father grabbed my arm, commanding my attention.  I looked at him curiously as he reached across to the glove compartment and let it fall open.  Inside were the typical things I would’ve found there; a map, the title to the truck, the registration, a small box of tissue – but there was a small white envelope that seemed amiss. 

“What’s that?”  I asked.

He smiled.  “Take it and see.”

I continued to stare at him for a moment and then finally reached for the envelope. 

“What’s this for?”  I was shocked and confused all at the same time when I found a check inside for a thousand dollars. 

“It’s for Ruthann…..for your car.”

I smiled and looked back down at the check.  “For real?”

He nodded. 
“Yep.  Me and Alicia talked about it when I went home and she actually wrote the check from
her
account.  She wanted me to tell you that it’s a peace offering.  All she asks is that you be willing to forget the past and start over.”