Red Sun (30 page)

Soon, the high came down and reality set in.  Jolon flipped on the light and we both stared at the bed wondering where to start cleaning up.  Getting dressed seemed secondary.

“I’ll find another sheet like this one while you strip the bed,” he sighed. 

I slipped my shirt back on quickly and tossed the old sheet to the ground.  Jolon was rummaging around in the linen closet down the hall while I waited.  He returned with a sheet that was just half a shade lighter than the original
blue.

“Think he’ll notice the difference?”  Jolon asked
quietly, alerting me that he was already beginning to feel ashamed.

My eyes shifted back and forth with scrutiny between the two.  “
When he gets back he’ll be too tired to pay attention, but maybe if you get a chance tomorrow you can wash the other and just put it back on.”  Jolon nodded in agreement. 

I found my underwear on the floor and slid those back on too while he watched
– not in a desirous way, but rather as if my presence made him regret what we’d done.  His eyes were sad, sad enough that I quickly looked away to keep his feelings from transferring to me.  The ball of guilt that was forming in the pit of my stomach was enough to deal with.  I stood upright and wallowed in the awkward silence that lingered between us.  How could two people with so much to discuss find themselves at a loss for words? 

My questions alone were enough to take all night answering.  Jolon’
s gaze dropped to the floor, focusing on the grayish-blue carpet beneath his feet.  I think it was then that it hit him that he was still naked.  That realization led to thoughts of
why
he was naked which forced him to acknowledge that he’d just crossed his brother in the worst way possible.  His shoulders dropped a little.

“Look, I’
ll um…..see you in the morning,” he said distractedly as he pointed toward the door.  He couldn’t even look me in my eye.  When he stalked out of the room, I thought of something that I hadn’t thought of until now – something that I definitely should’ve gotten straightened out before what had just taken place.  In my head, I recalled every other time Jolon and I had made any progress whether it was a breakthrough in conversation or physical contact.  Every time his actions afterward were the same – he’d cut me off.  My heart sank as I had the revelation.  What if this incident was no different from the others?  What if after tonight he again decided to tune me out and pretend that his feelings for me didn’t exist?  What was I supposed to do if that happened?  I felt sick.  I slumped on the side of Elan’s bed and stared at my feet.  I’d gone from feeling like I was on the highest cloud to feeling like I’d been used and tossed to the side of the road like a rag.  Did he know he’d do this afterward?  Get what he wanted and then act like nothing happened? 

I exhaled sharply and paced to the bathroom to wash up.  My journey down the hallway felt like the walk of shame, which I suppose it kind of was.  I closed the bathroom door behind me and turned on the water.  After I got myself cleaned up, I stood there against the door a minute.  The more I thought about how this could turn out
, the stupider I felt.  I should’ve known better.  Of
course
Jolon had planned it this way.  He’d never outwardly hurt his brother which means that what we’d done would have to stay a secret, which also meant that he was going to continue treating me like I was nobody. 

I felt my eyes starting to water, but quickly stopped t
he tears when I heard the lock on the front door click once.  Just before the door opened, I flipped off the light and ran to get back in bed, facing the wall so Elan would think I was asleep.  I could hear him moving around at the entrance as he removed his shoes and dropped his keys on the coffee table.  His steps were weary, like he was desperate for sleep.  When he pushed the bedroom door open, he was quiet to keep from waking me, but accidentally knocked over something on the dresser.

“Sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s ok.”  I took a deep breath to make sure that the scent of the offense Jolon and I had just committed was cleared from the air before continuing.  “How’d it go?”

He sighed while I watched his silhouette
as he removed his shirt and plopped on the bed.  “Work’s work I guess – even in the middle of the night.” 

I lay there nervous, wondering if something was amiss that would tip him off.

“You sleep ok without me?”  He joked.  Although he was clueless about what took place in his absence, the question still invoked shame.

Again,
I didn’t respond.

“You ok?”  He asked.  I couldn’t see his face, but I imagined his concerned expression.

“Yeah, just a little sleepy.  That’s all.”

He rubbed my back softly.  I closed my eyes and breathed in.  When Elan
lay beside me, I stiffened.  What kept running through my head was that I’d just risked losing him over someone who might not even be speaking to me by the time the sun came up.  I felt like such a fool.  He wrapped one arm around my body and rested his head on the other.  Pretty soon, his breathing slowed and he lie there too still to be awake.  The storm quieted to a distant growl every so often.  There were no flashes of lightning to break the continuous darkness either. 

As I lay there, sleepless and angry, I heard
Jolon’s door creak open, followed by his heavy footsteps traipsing down the hall.  He stopped in the living room and I could hear the couch protest beneath his weight.  The TV came to life and then that was the only sound.  Somehow, that one gesture made some of my rage subside. It pleased me a little that I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep.  Maybe that was a good sign.  Maybe he wasn’t as decided as I thought.

It took a long time, but I eventually drifted off listening to the theme song to Taxi – the fifth show in Jolon’s late night lineup.  When I awoke, I smelled breakfast cooking
; a smell I hadn’t smelled in months.  Bagels, cereal, or pop-tarts were my usual options.  I yawned and stretched before getting to my feet.  My jeans were still where I’d left them the night before when I came in from work.  I assessed myself in the mirror while I pulled them on and then opened Elan’s door.  My feet wouldn’t move any further than that.  I was too nervous about facing either one of the brothers in the daylight.  Overnight, so much had changed that I wasn’t sure if I could pretend that everything was the same.  I tried to move my foot again with no success. 

Just as I
was about to close the door and get back in bed, Elan rounded the corner.  “Thought I heard you get up.  Hungry?”

I didn’t speak right away.  From the corner of my eye, I looked toward Jolon’
s room, trying to determine if he was still inside or waiting in the kitchen like I feared.  The closed door gave away no hint. 

I glanced back at Elan and replied, “Yeah, a little.”

“Good.”  He smiled.  “Come have a seat and I’ll fix your plate.”  I followed him to the kitchen where he pulled out my seat.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that it was only the two of us for the time being.  Jolon must’ve still been resting after being up so late.  Elan returned to the table with a plate supporting a man-sized portion of food and sat it in front of me.

“That enough?”
  He asked, motioning toward the mountain in front of me.

I nodded, smiling faintly. 
“Plenty.”

He turned back to the counter and grabbed an empty plate and began piling food onto it.  I bit into a piece of bacon while I watc
hed him put it in the microwave, realizing that he must’ve fixed it for his brother.  He came back to the table and sat beside me. 

“Aren’t you gonna eat something?”  I asked.

“Already did – while you were asleep.  For some reason, I woke up this morning with a hankering for pancakes.”

I took in a spoonful of eggs and nodded.  “Everything’s good.”

“Thanks.  My mom taught me a few things before she and Dad moved.”  He smiled again and leaned his head to the side when he rested his elbows on the table.  “Hey, I was thinking we could go do something today.  Maybe a movie or something if you’re feeling better.  What do you think?  You up to it?”

It wasn’t until he said something that I remembered
using that as my excuse to be alone the night before.  He looked so hopeful that I
wanted
to say yes…..but I couldn’t.  I truly needed to go home to my own room and my own bed to think.  Even the threat of the mouse didn’t deter me.  As badly as I didn’t want to disappoint him, I had no choice.

“You know what?  My head still
kind of hurts a little.  I think I’m just gonna head home in a while so I can lie down.”  I looked away from him and stared at the food on my plate.

From the corner of my eye, I could see him smile.  “My bed’s not good enough?”

I kept a straight face when I replied, “It’s not that, I just…..”  What was the rest of that sentence going to be?  I just need time to figure out how I’m going to deal with the fact that I love your brother more than I love you?  I just need to figure out if I should tell you that we had sex in your bed last night?  As I scolded myself, I sighed.

Elan watched me, his smile beginning to fade as my downtrodden mood became contagious.  His
tone was dim when he replied, “Don’t worry about it.  Maybe some other time.”  He stood from his seat and grabbed the orange juice from the fridge.  He poured a glass and set it in front of me.  “I’ll be back in a bit.  I’m gonna go shower.”  Disappointment was still on his face from my response.  I felt bad, but I couldn’t pretend that everything was ok – not even for him.

I heard the shower turn on
and I slumped down in my chair.  At the very moment that I thought his name, Jolon’s door opened.  I sat there with my eyes glued to the table, unable to move when he walked in.  I’d never been in this situation so I didn’t know what proper protocol was.  Do I speak?  Do I wait for him to speak so I don’t make a fool of myself if he’s planning to ignore me?

“Morning,” he yawned as he crossed the floor to the refrigerator with his large strides
, prompting my sigh of relief.  My heart fluttered when he spoke.  Him speaking to me was a good sign, right?

“Morning,” I replied shyly
, still unable to lift my gaze.  He pulled the juice out and then opened the cabinet and grabbed a cup.  While his back was to me, I stole a glance and then looked away again.  Just the sight of him made my pulse quicken.  Would it be like that from now on?  Would I forever look at him and think of last night?  I could feel my breath rushing in and out of my lungs as the details flooded my mind.  The deeper I slipped into my fantasy, I began to feel the last traces of ill feelings toward him vanish.  All I felt for him now was longing.  Not longing for him in the sexual sense…..but longing to be his.  Nothing would have made me happier, but in order to be his, he’d have to want me, and I had a strong feeling that even if he did, he’d never admit to it.

Jolon
glanced over at me and caught me staring just as I decided to steal another look.  I wanted to turn away but couldn’t.  At that moment, I saw that same flash of sadness in his eyes that I’d seen the night before when he left me standing there in limbo.  Again, he turned away.  He finished the last of his drink and set the glass on the counter before making a b-line for the hallway.  I knew what he was about to do – he was about to hide out in his room until the coast was clear, but I wasn’t going to let him run from this and leave me to deal with it alone again.  Not this time.

“Got a minute?”  I asked.  He stopped dead in his tracks, but didn’t face me.

“I need to change and get to the– “

“This’ll only take a second
,” I interrupted before he could finish giving his excuse.  My throat got tight and I swallowed my emotions so that I could say what I needed to say.  I forced myself to stare at him even though it was uncomfortable, even though he couldn’t do the same.

“Do you regret it?”  I choked out, tears burning the corners of my eyes.  I had to prepare myself just in case he said yes. 
My arms were wrapped around my body protectively in case I felt myself falling apart.

I watched him and waited a long time before
he finally closed his eyes and dropped his head.  When he shook his head, I asked for clarity.

“Jolon, if I’ve never needed you to be straight up with me before, I do now.  Please say it out loud so I don’t leave
here with doubt.  Even if the answer is yes, it’s fine,” I lied.

His eyes remained closed and I watched his fists clench, the veins in his arms becoming more visible. 
A chill ran down my back when he breathed, “Yes.”

He shifted his weight to his other foot and cleared his throat.
  I watched him struggle to look my way.  I stopped holding back my tears because he deserved to see me cry – deserved to know how horrible he’d just made me feel.  It served him right to have to watch my heart breaking right there in front of him so he’d never forget a single detail.  I slammed my chair against the wall when I stood to my feet and started toward the hallway.

“
Wait, wait, wait…..” he protested, grabbing my arm gently as I passed by.  I should’ve pulled away, but deep down inside I was hoping that there was something that he could say to make me feel like I’d just completely misunderstood what he’d said.  I looked up into his eyes and waited while tears continued to stream down my face.