Pushing Reset (5 page)

Chapter 14

Just before dawn, Brandon woke and his lips were still curved and his muscles felt loose. Every nerve hummed and pulsed and Brandon sighed as the remnants of ecstasy slid through his veins. He opened his eyes and blinked at the ceiling as his consciousness started to return.
Oh, my God!
His eyes widened in shock as he began to recall the events that had led to the bliss that was quickly fading from his mind and body.
Jude.
Brandon groaned as he wrapped his hands around his face and tried to make his brain work.

What was he supposed to do now? What did it mean? There were no answers and Brandon felt panic settling into his chest. The more he tried to make his mind cope with the tide of questions rushing in, the more the panic swelled and crashed within him. Brandon rolled from the bed and stumbled to his feet so he could pace. He needed to move or his emotions would overcome him and he’d start to scream or cry.

Brandon dressed quickly and went for a run hoping it would purge some of the fear he felt. He still couldn’t comprehend what happened and there were no ideas as to how to move forward. The only thing Brandon was aware of was the possibility that there was a chance that his friendship with Jude might be at risk. He knew he loved and needed Jude but Brandon wasn’t sure what the nature of that love was anymore and to what extent he needed Jude. All he knew was that he didn’t want to lose him by not doing the right thing.

When Brandon walked into the dining room Jude and Noah were already eating breakfast. Both looked up and smiled brightly when Brandon entered. He felt a glimmer of relief as he nodded in return and sat down. When he took his seat across from Jude, their eyes connected and Jude winked jauntily as he sipped his coffee. Confusion swelled and Brandon cleared his throat as he looked down to make his plate and tried to find his appetite.

“Are you sick?” Noah asked as he stared at Brandon curiously. Brandon shook his head as his brows pulled together.

“No, why?” He grumbled as he stabbed at his eggs. Noah shrugged as he pushed his empty plate away.

“Your face is turning red and you look dizzy or like you’re gonna throw up,” Noah announced loudly. Brandon narrowed his eyes as his frustration surged and was about to tell Noah it was none of his business when Jude kicked his shin beneath the table. Brandon’s eyes met Jude’s and Jude shook his head softly.

“I’m fine,” Brandon mumbled before he looked down at his plate and pretended to be interested in its contents. He looked up when Noah groaned at his nanny as she beckoned at the door. “Off you go. Be good,” Brandon commanded as he opened his arms.

Noah gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before he went around the table and repeated the process with Jude before trudging from the room. Jude chuckled and shook his head as he watched Noah go. When he turned back to Brandon his eyes were warm and his expression was open and relaxed. Instead of feeling relieved, Brandon only felt more confused as he tried to understand how Jude could act as if nothing had happened.

“Did you sleep well?” Jude asked as he drained his coffee cup and sat back. Brandon nodded as he searched Jude’s face for any sign of awareness. Jude only smiled more brilliantly. “Excellent,” he said softly as he reclined and appeared content to watch Brandon silently.

Brandon shook his head in disbelief and forced himself to eat. He couldn’t taste anything and was only aware of being extremely thirsty. After his fourth glass of juice, Brandon looked up to find Jude staring at him, a brow raised in question. Brandon shrugged as he poured another. When he had eaten as much as he could and the carafe was empty, Brandon pushed his plate aside and stared at Jude. He still had no answers and nothing made sense. Once their plates were removed and they were alone, Brandon cleared his throat and resisted the urge to jump to his feet and start pacing again. He looked at Jude and found him still relaxed and curious. Brandon frowned and decided he was tired of bearing his confusion in silence.

“Jude?” He asked gently. Jude tilted his head and waited expectantly as Brandon pushed a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what happened or what it means,” Brandon admitted as his eyes begged Jude to make sense of it all for him. Jude shrugged and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table.

“You don’t have to do anything right now, Brandon. You can choose to do nothing. I told you, it didn’t have to mean anything. It can simply be what it was and everything can go on as it always has. Or, it can be more. But you don’t have to decide right now. I’m not expecting anything from you and I’m not going anywhere.” Jude’s eyes were soft and clear as they held Brandon’s. Instead of feeling reassured, he only felt more lost.

“How can you act like nothing has changed?” He asked incredulously. Jude shrugged nonchalantly again and Brandon felt a twitch of irritation. It didn’t seem fair that he was struggling while Jude was completely calm.

“Nothing has changed for me, Brandon. I’m exactly as I was yesterday. I feel the same as I always have.” His grin was gentle as he rose to his feet. Brandon frowned up at him.

“I don’t understand how that’s possible,” he complained. Jude rested his hand on his chair and leaned as he regarded Brandon.

“I’ve always loved you and I’ve always wanted you. I still love you and I still want you. It’s pretty simple, actually. I’m going to give you time to figure out what you want. I’ll stay close in case you need to talk, unless you feel like you need more space. If you decide that you don’t want our relationship to change, I’ll be fine with that.” Then, Jude turned on his heel and strode from the dining room.

Brandon could only stare, his eyes as large as saucers and his mouth hanging open. Instead of helping, Jude had left him more disoriented.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Brandon wondered as he lurched to his feet and moved unsteadily from the room. His legs didn’t feel solid as he made his way to his office. He found Jude reclining on the sofa, reading. Brandon was sure his brows were almost to his hair as he took in Jude’s calm demeanor. It really didn’t seem fair. Brandon fell into the seat at his desk and his eyes clung to Jude for several minutes as he heard Jude’s declaration over and over again.

“You could really act like nothing happened, let things go back to the way they were before?” Brandon asked softly. Jude looked up from his book and was still for a moment before he nodded.

“Whatever you want, Brandon. I can’t expect you to feel the same things I do, emotionally or physically. All I need is to be with you and Noah. Anything beyond that would be an unexpected blessing.” With that, he went back to his book and Brandon continued to stare.

Brandon stared until lunch, his mind a swirling mass of confusion and doubt. When they sat to eat, he was silent as he watched Jude and Noah. They chatted and laughed and the sound comforted Brandon. By the time he returned to his office, Brandon was certain that the most important thing was that Noah wasn’t hurt. And Brandon didn’t want to lose Jude. It was probably selfish, but he depended on Jude for so much, he’d be lost without him. Not just with Noah, Brandon relied on Jude’s advice in all matters and his friendship was everything, a day without Jude would be like a day without the sun. Brandon didn’t want to hurt Jude either. The idea that he could do something to make Jude happier, after all he had done for him and Noah, was tempting and a little exhilarating for Brandon. Though he doubted that he could actually make Jude happy. Once again, he’d be taking more than he was giving.

The rest of the day passed slowly. Jude remained close and silent, waiting to listen and answer any questions Brandon had. But Brandon held all of his questions, weighing them against his feelings because he knew that questions could have meaning and power on their own. He remained silent through dinner and once again watched Jude and Noah through the meal. He was struck by how the sight soothed him. All he needed was sitting at the table with him. He loved them both so deeply and he realized that he loved his life. He didn’t love what he’d gone through to get to that point with Noah and Jude but he wouldn’t change anything if it meant that he wouldn’t have either of them as they were in that moment. Gratitude and peace settled over Brandon and the strain and sadness of the last few years melted away. As if he felt the shift in Brandon, Jude looked over and their eyes met. Jude’s brow rose and Brandon felt a smile pulling at his lips. Jude’s eyes widened before he smiled back. Brandon recalled Jude’s comment after breakfast and agreed. Anything beyond what he already had would be a blessing, he already had everything. Brandon needed to make sure he didn’t ruin it.

Once Noah went up to bed, Brandon and Jude went to the living room. Brandon managed to hold his own during a very long and silent game of chess despite the scattered state of his mind. For his part, Jude didn’t seem to mind Brandon’s distraction. If anything, he found it entertaining. Jude would smile teasingly when Brandon would shake his head in frustration when he caught his mind drifting off. Shortly after Jude defeated Brandon, he stood and stretched and Brandon frowned as he tried to think of an excuse to keep Jude from leaving. For the first time since that morning, a wave of panic rolled through Brandon at the possibility of Jude going out.

“I think I’ll go to bed now,” Jude announced and Brandon nearly sagged with relief. He still wasn’t sure what he wanted from Jude but he was ready to admit that the idea of Jude being with other men made his stomach clench and burn. And he didn’t want to part with Jude. Brandon thought of using questions to keep Jude with him but he wasn’t ready to talk about their relationship yet. Once again, Jude must have felt how conflicted Brandon was. “You can always come to my room, Brandon. We don’t have to do anything. We can talk or not talk. We can do whatever you want. If you don’t want to be alone, we can just be together.” As before, his expression was open and understanding. Brandon nodded softly.

“Thanks. I don’t know…” His voice died away as he tried to make up his mind. Jude grabbed Brandon’s shoulder and gave it a gentle shake.

“Don’t decide now. Do whatever feels right after you’ve had some time to think.” With that, Jude turned and went for the door. “Whatever you want, you know where to find me.”

Then, Brandon was alone. He poured himself a drink and considered the tightening of his body at the thought of being in Jude’s bed. Brandon let his mind return to the night before. It was indescribable and too much for Brandon to completely comprehend, he had never experienced anything close to that. It seemed incredible that the body that for so long had just been the thing that carried his consciousness through the world was capable of feeling so much sensation. Brandon felt his cock hardening and frowned at the front of his jeans as he felt his body craving the release Jude had given him. He shook his head and vowed that he wouldn’t take advantage of Jude again. He wouldn’t give into his newly awakened libido before he’d made a decision about their relationship.

God, Jude had been amazing. The things he’d done with his mouth… Brandon suppressed the shiver that spilled down his body despite the warmth that burst within him as he remembered how completely Jude had possessed his body. If sex had felt like that from the beginning, Brandon would have been as mindlessly obsessed as his friends when he was younger. He could imagine himself becoming mindlessly obsessed now. Brandon shook his head again as he forced all thoughts of Jude’s mouth away and finished his drink.

Brandon strode from the living room and as he was taking the stairs one thing became very clear: he needed to be with Jude. He wasn’t sure what that would involve but if he had to choose between passing the night alone and confused or with Jude and confused, he had to be with Jude.

Chapter 15

It required more self control than Jude thought he was capable of to settle into his bed and not pace as he wondered if Brandon would come to him. He stared at the ceiling and complimented himself on how well he’d handled Brandon through the day. He’d sworn that he wouldn’t pressure or scare him, that he’d be honest and patient. Jude wasn’t fooling himself, just because Brandon enjoyed a blow job didn’t mean that Brandon was suddenly gay.

He sighed as he threw his arm over his eyes. Going down on Brandon had been incredible. It had been torture being that close to Brandon all day and had taken a herculean effort to keep his mind from recalling how perfect Brandon’s cock had felt or how good he tasted. Jude groaned as he felt his cock harden as he remembered the sounds Brandon had made. The echo of his name, mixed with Brandon’s desperate sobs and moans had him throbbing painfully.

Jude had never enjoyed sucking cock in the past. He cringed as he admitted to himself that he’d always been selfish when it came to sex. He was often content to let his partners service him and he rarely reciprocated. It was even rarer that he let someone fuck him. Not that Jude didn’t enjoy being fucked, he just preferred to be the one doing it and he didn’t like relinquishing control. He often felt dominated when he was on the receiving end. Now and then, Jude would find himself feeling competitive with his partners and he’d have to outperform them. Jude was good. When he decided to engage and lavish attention on his partner he made sure that when it was over, he was the best that man had ever had and he’d never find better.

It hadn’t been that way with Brandon. With Brandon, Jude had just wanted to please him, to give him the release he’d been denied for so long. That’s how it started, at least. Once he had his hands and lips on Brandon, Jude had become lost in the taste and the feel of him. He’d never enjoyed pleasuring a man the way he did Brandon. Jude’s erection pulsed angrily and he was tempted to reach beneath the sheet and deal with it. He looked at the door and frowned. It would be awkward if Brandon found him rubbing one out. It might scare him off. Jude shook his head and dismissed the thought. His frown deepened when he considered the fact that he was naked and in bed. That might seem presumptuous. He always slept nude but Brandon wouldn’t know that. Jude slipped from his bed and was reaching for his robe when he heard a soft knock at the door.

He tugged on his robe and tried to calm his racing heart. Jude took a steadying breath before he pulled the door open. His heart stopped when his eyes found Brandon in a pair of silk pajama pants. Jude swallowed loudly as he stepped back and gestured for Brandon to enter. He shut the door and slid his hands down the front his robe while Brandon’s back was to him. Jude was ridiculously nervous and his palms felt slick. He forced his face into a relaxed grin when Brandon turned to him.

“I’m glad you came.” Jude was relieved when his voice came out low and smooth. He took a deep breath as he watched Brandon’s eyes flicking around the room. He sensed Brandon’s tension and reminded himself of the promise he’d made earlier. “Would you be more comfortable if we sat?” He waved toward the chairs by the fireplace. Brandon’s eyes went to the bed and his brows pulled together.

“You were in bed. Could we be there but…” His eyes swung to Jude’s and he blushed. Jude tried not to smile despite the fact that Brandon blushing was probably one of the most adorable things he’d ever seen. He set his hand gently against Brandon’s back and guided him toward the bed. Brandon’s head snapped toward his nervously but his feet moved forward.

“Let’s just lay down. If you feel comfortable, we can talk or do anything else you want after that,” Jude said softly. He felt the tension leave Brandon’s body as he nodded. When they reached the bed he saw Brandon’s eyes flare. Jude had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. “Why don’t I keep my robe on and we can stay above the sheet?” Once again, Brandon nodded and relaxed. He sat stiffly and carefully turned as he let his head fall onto the pillow and swung his legs onto the bed. Jude went around and straightened the sheet before he settled on the bed, resting his head on the other pillow. Brandon was staring at the canopy and his arms were stiff and straight at his sides. Jude propped his head on his hand and pursed his lips as he stared at Brandon. He reached over and pulled Brandon’s chin so that his head turned toward him. “All I want is for you to be comfortable, Brandon. I have no expectations. If you want something from me, all you have to do is ask.” Jude waited as Brandon’s eyes searched his. Finally, Brandon nodded. A moment later, he rolled onto his side and faced Jude.

“I’m afraid that I’ll lose you if I do the wrong thing, Jude. I’m afraid that Noah will get hurt if things go wrong between us.” Brandon’s voice was hoarse with emotion and Jude felt it in his chest. He nodded in understanding until he could trust his voice.

“You’ll never lose me, I promise. You and Noah are my family. More than my parents and sisters. I think we can survive anything if we’re honest and patient with each other. And I will never let Noah down. I couldn’t love him more if he was my own son,” Jude said as he rested his hand on the bed between them. Brandon stared it for several moments before his hand slid across the bed and carefully settled on top of Jude’s. It took several more moments before Jude could hear anything over the pounding of his heart.

“He’s as much yours as he is mine. I don’t know what we would have done without you. I don’t know what I’d do if you left,” Brandon whispered shakily. Jude turned his hand over so that his palm was pressing against Brandon’s.

“You’ll never have to worry about that,” he promised. Brandon nodded and twined their fingers together.

Heat burst within Jude’s chest and his eyes started to sting as joy swelled within him. He never imagined that they would be alone like this and touching so intimately. They remained silent for several minutes before Brandon scooted closer, making the space between them smaller until their chests nearly touched. Jude held very still as he fought the urge to pull Brandon’s body against his. He could feel the heat from Brandon’s body seeping through his robe and he was afraid the erection he’d managed to hide successfully would make its presence known. Brandon took a steadying breath and Jude felt the exhale against his lips. He stifled a groan as heat flooded his groin. Brandon cleared his throat and his eyes connected with Jude’s.

“I’m nervous about the sex. I barely thought about sex with women, I never considered being with a man. Obviously, I enjoyed what happened last night but what if I don’t like the rest of it? What if I can’t give you what you want? I’ve thought about it a lot lately but I’m afraid I won’t be comfortable with all of it,” Brandon said. He looked almost panicked and Jude took a moment to find the right words, he needed to make Brandon understand.

“I would be happy if this was all you wanted. Being this close to you and feeling your hand in mine is more than I ever imagined. It doesn’t have to be about sex, with us. I can get that somewhere else.” Jude saw the muscle in Brandon’s jaw twitch and his nostrils flared. “You don’t want me to have sex with anyone else.” Jude’s eyes narrowed as he watched him. Brandon shook his head.

“But I know that’s not fair. I won’t ask that of you if we aren’t…” He let out a ragged breath and Jude waited. “If I can’t be with you like that or I don’t want to, I won’t ask you to give that up.” Brandon looked genuinely conflicted and Jude liked the idea that Brandon was jealous and didn’t want to share him.

“I won’t have sex with anyone else,” Jude said softly. Brandon’s lips pulled tight and he shook his head.

“That isn’t fair,” he whispered. Jude shrugged and squeezed Brandon’s hand.

“Life is rarely fair. If it was, I wouldn’t have had to hide that I was gay until I went to college,” he offered. Brandon’s brows pulled together.

“Do you think I am too?” His eyes were large as they poured into Jude’s. He laughed softly as he pulled Brandon’s hand to his lips.

“It would be much easier if you were,” Jude said gently as he kissed the back of Brandon’s hand. He let his lips brush against the coarse hair as he watched Brandon. “Do you like that?” He didn’t have to wait very long. Brandon nodded slowly and Jude smiled against his hand. “Have you ever looked at a naked man and felt aroused or that you wanted to be closer to him, to touch him?” Jude asked gently. Brandon bit his lip and looked thoughtful.

“I’ve never really seen a naked man, in person,” Brandon admitted. Jude’s chest became tight and a nervous flutter filled his stomach. Jude could tell by the set of Brandon’s jaw that he’d made a decision and steeled himself. Somehow he knew what Brandon would ask before he opened his mouth. “Will you let me see your body. And maybe touch you?” He’d spoken the words through clenched teeth and Jude forced himself to stay very still. Jude was ready to tear his robe from his body but he had to make sure Brandon wasn’t doing it to please him.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that? I’m not in any hurry…” Jude stopped when Brandon shook his head wildly.

“I want to know. And you deserve to know. We’re better off just being best friends if I can’t be with you like that,” Brandon argued. Jude’s stomach twisted and his throat felt tight.

“No pressure, then.” He tried to laugh but his voice broke. His hand shook as he reached between them and untied his belt. Jude kept his eyes on Brandon’s as he opened his robe and shrugged his shoulder out of it. He held his breath when Brandon’s eyes started to drift down his body. Jude felt heat brush his chin, sweep down his neck and over his chest and he shut his eyes, unable to watch as Brandon’s glance slid lower.

“You’re hard,” Brandon whispered. Jude couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that escaped his throat.

“How could I not be? You’re in my bed.” He finally opened his eyes and was surprised to see how intent Brandon’s gaze was as he stared at Jude’s very serious erection. He’d never seen Brandon’s eyes that dark or his face so taut with concentration. When Brandon’s eyes finally returned to Jude’s they were wide and watery. For a moment, Jude was afraid. He wanted to ask but dreaded the answer. If Brandon was offended by Jude’s hard-on or was uncomfortable with his body, it was all over.

“You’re so beautiful.” Brandon’s voice was heavy and thick with awe. Jude was grateful he was laying down, his skin prickled and he felt lightheaded, the relief was so overwhelming. “Can I touch you?” Brandon asked softly but the words nearly shattered Jude.

Oh, dear God…
Jude nodded despite the strong urge to jump from the bed. He didn't know how he would cope with Brandon touching his bare skin. Jude watched as Brandon lifted his hand to his throat and bit back a groan as he felt fingertips pressing against his skin. He squeezed his eyes shut and focused on breathing as Brandon’s fingers slid over his collarbone.
Oh, God, oh God, oh God… What is he made of? How can his fingers be this hot?
Jude complained silently, desperately, then cringed as he heard a soft moan fill the room. Jude had definitely moaned. There was no helping it as Brandon’s fingers splayed and glided across his chest. They drifted lower, over the ridges of Jude’s stomach and he cursed silently as he felt his balls pull tight. Jude placed his hand over Brandon’s and he forced his eyes open and found Brandon’s.

“Please, tell me this is doing something for you because it’s killing me.” Jude’s voice came out thin and gravelly. He’d never felt more turned on and he was on the verge of embarrassing himself. Jude was so close, he’d probably come if Brandon breathed too hard. Brandon nodded and Jude made the mistake of staring at his mouth just as Brandon’s tongue swept across his lips. “Oh, fuck…” Jude squeaked as his body tightened. Brandon’s brows pulled together in confusion and he looked at Jude expectantly. Jude licked his own lips, trying to make his mouth less dry and functional. “Your mouth…” He stared at Brandon, silently pleading with him to understand. Jude wasn’t sure if Brandon ever could.

“Can I kiss you?” Brandon breathed and Jude felt the words against his lips.

Without any direction from Jude’s brain, his hand slid around Brandon’s neck and cupped his head as it swiftly pulled his face to Jude’s. His eyes flared as his lips collided with Brandon’s and lightening burst from where they connected and swept through his body. Brandon’s lips opened on a gasp and Jude’s tongue surged into Brandon’s mouth. He felt Brandon’s tongue slide tentatively against his and Jude was lost. He angled his head and his tongue twisted and explored Brandon, learning the various textures and tastes. Jude felt Brandon’s hand gripping at his waist, pulling him closer and he groaned against Brandon’s tongue as he felt the hard heat of Brandon’s erection through silk. Jude was barely aware of his own hand gliding down Brandon’s back and his body started to roll over Brandon’s and he froze. Everything was happening too quickly, they were losing control. Overwhelming Brandon when he was just learning that he found men attractive wasn’t a good plan. Jude pulled his lips from Brandon’s and took a deep, ragged breath.

“Too fast,” Jude panted as he rolled onto his back. He covered his face with his hands and urged his body to relax.

“Jude,” Brandon sighed his name and it was all the warning he had before he felt Brandon’s body press against his side and a hot hand slide down his stomach. Jude gasped and arched when he felt Brandon’s hand close loosely around his cock. His own hands instinctively closed around Brandon’s and Jude’s eyes frantically searched his.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me? I used to imagine this whenever I…” The words died when Brandon’s hand tightened around Jude’s throbbing length.

“I want to see it, Jude,” Brandon growled. “I want to know what you look like when you get off. I want to hold your cock as you come.” He rose on his elbow and Jude was helpless to stop his hands from falling away. Brandon’s hand slid upward and began stroking and Jude’s eyes rolled back into his head and he whimpered Brandon’s name. It was too much for Jude; having Brandon in his bed, pressed against Jude’s naked body and Brandon’s hand all over his straining erection. He was gritting his teeth, trying to fight off the pressure that was rising from his sack, up into the base of his cock and the tight coiling pleasure that was building up in his groin as he prayed for just a few more minutes. Then, Brandon lowered his head and Jude felt wet, soft heat as Brandon’s tongue swept tentatively across his chest, just above his nipple. It was over.