Prison Ramen: Recipes and Stories from Behind Bars (7 page)

Shia Labeouf
is an actor who has been working steadily since age twelve. Two of his most recent films in which he stars include
Fury
and
Man Down
.

Ingredients

1 pack chicken flavor Ramen

1 cup boiling water

3 hard-boiled eggs, chopped

2 tablespoons mayonnaise

1 hoagie or hero roll, split open

2 slices American cheese

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 5 minutes.

3. Drain off excess water. Add the seasoning and mix well.

4. Combine the eggs and mayonnaise in a separate bowl. Mash and mix well with a fork.

5. Add the Ramen. Mix well.

6. Open the roll and place the cheese in it.

7. Fill the roll with the Ramen–egg salad.

I
have atrial fibrillation. It’s basically an irregular heartbeat, and the risk of stroke is five times higher than when you have a regular heartbeat. It can be really nerve-racking to think about, especially when you’re behind bars. Several times I fainted in the middle of an intense handball or basketball game. The homies would freak out! I would wake up in their arms as they were rushing me to the infirmary. After several months of this, I finally got approved to see a cardiologist. He wanted to give my heart an electrical shock—a “reset button” to try to get my heart back on track to a normal rhythm. He said it had a fifty-fifty chance of working. Although I was hopeful, I still felt profoundly troubled. I didn’t have any family or friends to be with me and I was slowly discovering that my very new faith was the only thing giving me the strength to get by. So I took a moment to say a quick prayer.

While they were prepping me for the procedure, one of the nurses and a younger officer guarding me started to talk dirty to each other. Just the most outrageous stuff—anal sex, oral sex, and every other kind of sex you could think of. I lay there thinking,
I can’t believe my life is in these hands!
Then the door opened and a much older female officer walked in to relieve the young cop. It was like your mom walked into the room where you and your friends were discussing porn. She had a Bible in hand and was flipping through the pages as she sat in a chair just beside the doctors and nurses prepping me.

I went under the anesthesia. It felt like it was only moments later when I was suddenly awakened by a burning sensation to my chest. I could see the doctor looking at my heart monitor, shaking his head. “It doesn’t look like it worked.” I yelled out, “Try it again!” and told the old female officer holding the Bible, “Pray for me!” I remember her jumping out of her seat, saying, “Okay, honey.” She rubbed my arm and I fell back asleep to the sound of her prayers.

Again, I was awakened by a burning shock to my chest. This time I saw everyone in the room smiling and cheering as they looked at the monitor.

Ingredients

1 head iceberg lettuce, washed, dried, and chopped or shredded

1 tomato, chopped

½ red onion, chopped

½ cup shredded Jack cheese

4 slices ham, cut into bite-size pieces

4 yellow chiles in vinegar (
aji Amarillo
), drained and chopped

1 pack chili flavor Ramen

Salad dressing (any flavor you like)

1. Combine the lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, ham, and chiles in a large bowl.

2. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper. Pour the seasoning on top of the crushed Ramen in the wrapper. Shake to coat the Ramen.

3. Pour the spiced Ramen over the salad.

4. Add salad dressing to taste and gently toss.

2

Solitary dining is full of recipes created mostly in the Security Housing Units. These meals are usually for one, but they’re easily stretched to feed two. Many of the ingredients used to prepare these dishes would have been smuggled in by correctional officers or brought in through approved vendors; others would have been purchased weekly through commissary. Everything is brought to your cell, just like ordering a pizza. Except not at all.

I
n the federal prisons, there aren’t a lot of jobs for inmates, and what jobs there are don’t pay very much. So people got creative. Some would steal food from the kitchen and sell it for a quick come-up. It was amazing how many food items were smuggled out of kitchen storage—vegetables, fruit, bags of sugar, even raw eggs. Some guys got busted, but others were masterful in their techniques. I’ve seen several different designs for smuggling underwear with pockets sewn into the crotch area and waist belts made from T-shirts.

I knew a guy who would smuggle raw eggs and shredded Jack cheese every Saturday morning. He was a heavyset guy—at least 250 pounds and just a little over five feet tall. His trick was not only wearing his specially designed underwear; he would also rub a dirty towel from the kitchen’s mop room all over his clothes so that his odor was repellent. Most officers didn’t like to search him for just that reason. This guy made a lot of money smuggling food from the kitchen. Other guys weren’t so fortunate. A couple of raw eggs got them a couple of months in the Hole.

Ingredients

2 packs chili flavor Ramen

1½ cups boiling water

½ cup or ¼ pound cooked beef tips (4 ounces)

½ cup steamed broccoli florets (4 ounces)

½ onion, chopped

1 carrot, chopped

6 tablespoons soy sauce

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

3. Drain off excess water.

4. Mix the beef tips, broccoli, onion, and carrot in a large microwavable bowl. Add the soy sauce and stir. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes, until hot.

5. Add the Ramen and half of the seasoning. Mix well.

I
’ve met many guys who will be in prison for the rest of their lives. Some of these guys committed violent acts, even taking a life, while others were just along for the ride. One of the latter was a good friend of mine—Robert, aka Big Rob. He was fresh out of high school when he made the mistake of going cruising with his high school friends. Unfortunately, those friends were gang members. They were out for a drive on a summer night when another car from a rival gang pulled up beside them. Gang slurs were exchanged and gunshots rang out. Robert was hiding in the back seat, in a fetal position, scared shitless. Their car sped off but they didn’t get more than a few blocks before they were cut off and cornered by the local police. A passenger in the other car had been killed by retaliatory gunfire. Even with no prior convictions of any sort, Robert was charged with accessory to first degree murder and was sentenced to twenty-five to life when he was eighteen years of age.

I met him in 2007 when he was in his early thirties. He wasn’t in a prison gang or even associated with one. He’d never had a problem since he was arrested. While in prison he took every class he could, becoming accomplished at many trades and earning degrees. He never used drugs or alcohol. He was a good, square guy. It didn’t make sense that he had to serve as much time as the trigger man. Robert and his family didn’t have the money to hire a good attorney. He was one of the many poorly represented guys who were railroaded by the “dump truck”—what we call the plea offers from the public defender. Robert paid more than he should have for being a dumb kid.

Ingredients

2 packs chili flavor Ramen

1½ cups boiling water

½ cup chopped carrots

½ cup chopped celery

½ cup corn kernels

1 tomato, chopped

1 jalapeño chile, chopped

½ onion, chopped

1 tablespoon garlic powder

½ cup tomato puree (3 tablespoons tomato paste thinned with enough water to make ½ cup also works well)

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a microwavable bowl.

2. Add the water, carrots, celery, corn, tomato, jalapeño, onion, garlic powder, and tomato puree. Mix well.

3. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes.

4. Stir, then re-cover and microwave for 5 minutes more, until the Ramen is soft and the soup is hot.

P
eople get tattoos for different reasons. Some are indulging boredom, others are asserting some control over their own bodies, and many are pledging allegiance to a gang. But for Southern Hispanics, it’s a bit more than any of that. We favor Aztec culture tattoos because they represent the life of an Aztec warrior. The warriors fought battles to defend their land, worship the way they chose, and to retrieve prisoners from warring tribes. When an inmate is deemed trustworthy enough to defend his tribe by executing a hit, he knows he risks spending the rest of his life in the SHU. In recognition of the risk and—hopefully—the success, certain tattoos are specific to certain accomplishments. Inmates believe these tattoos represent strength, aggressiveness, and competitiveness.