Prison Ramen: Recipes and Stories from Behind Bars (10 page)

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

3. Drain off excess water.

4. Meanwhile, microwave the rice as directed on the package.

5. Add the rice to the Ramen.

6. Mix the sausage, green beans, carrots, and onion in a microwavable bowl. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes, until hot.

7. Add the sausage mixture to the Ramen and rice. Mix well.

W
hen I first started doing time in the early 1990s, every gun tower had a sign with the same promise: ONE WARNING SHOT. This meant that if you did not get down when the alarm rang, or as soon as the first warning shot let out, the next shot would have your name on it. Many a time, I’d be eating indoors in the chow hall when a fight would start outside on the yard. The alarm would go off, signifying
get down.
A second later, you’d hear the first warning shot—a Mini-14 rifle aimed out the window of the gun tower toward the sky. The sound was so loud it left your ear drums ringing. It was a real attention-getter.

Gang hits in the late ’90s were getting crazier by the day—most of the attacks would continue even after the first shot rang out. Performing a hit this way, with total disregard for the warning shots, is called a “torpedo hit.” These acts were usually done by youngsters trying to make a name for themselves. Some were successful in the hit, while others might get shot and end up in worse condition than the guy they were sent out to hit.

During my time at Corcoran, in order to control the boldness of the inmates, staff made it clear that there would be no more warning shots. So then the writing under every gun tower read: WARNING. NO WARNING SHOTS! You better believe they take this shit seriously. There’s an officer straight out of the military, specialized as a sniper, just waiting to show off his marksmanship.

Ingredients

1 pack chili flavor Ramen

1 cup boiling water

1 large hoagie or hero roll (big enough for two people), split open

¼ cup mayonnaise

¼ cup mustard

¼ pound sliced turkey

¼ pound sliced ham

¼ pound sliced chicken breast

1 tomato, sliced

1 onion, sliced

About 6 lettuce leaves or a handful of shredded lettuce

¼ pound sliced pepper Jack cheese

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.

3. Drain off excess water.

4. Open the roll, leaving the sides attached. Spread the mayonnaise and mustard on the inside of the roll.

5. Spread half of the Ramen on the roll. Sprinkle half the seasoning over the Ramen.

6. Lay the turkey, ham, chicken, tomato, onion, and lettuce on top of the Ramen.

7. Add the rest of the Ramen and sprinkle with the remainder of the seasoning.

8. Top with the cheese. Close gently and hold it down while cutting it in half.

I
t was a cool afternoon, and I was waiting for my turn to play handball with the homies. We all noticed the scuffle on the other side of the prison yard. Once we saw who was fighting—black and brown—it was like a domino effect. One after another, every black and Hispanic inmate in the vicinity ran toward the square dance. Midway, we were cut off by a few brothers running in from the basketball court. They were squaring up to fight, and it looked like we were outnumbered and outsized. But before they could swing, the two homies I was with pulled out shanks. The square dancing continued and the brothers didn’t back down from a knife fight. Finally, there were tear gas shots, rubber bullets, and warning shots to the sky. The goon squad—special task force officers—ran in with zip ties and cuffs, and the riot was contained.

I was lying facedown in the main yard with my hands cuffed, waiting to be placed in AD-SEG (Administration Segregation), where everyone in the riot was headed. All around me I heard moans of agony and pain, but I had managed to avoid being cut or wounded badly. All I could think of at the time was eating a warm bowl of this Spicy Ramen Rice Casserole, a recipe I had just gotten right. Go figure. The stuff we think of in the most unusual circumstances.

Ingredients

2 packs chili flavor Ramen

1 cup boiling water

1 package (7.5 to 8.5 ounces) cheesy rice

1 pouch (5 ounces) seasoned beef crumbles or ¾ cup seasoned crumbled cooked ground beef

2 to 3 tablespoons picante sauce, or to taste

1 jalapeño chile, chopped

Notes:
• Uncle Ben’s and Old El Paso both make a cheesy rice.
• Libby’s beef crumbles were for sale at the commissary.

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

3. Drain off excess water.

4. Meanwhile, prepare the rice as directed on the package.

5. Combine the seasoning, beef, picante sauce (to taste), and jalapeño in a separate bowl. Mix well.

6. Cover and microwave for 5 to 10 minutes, until hot.

7. Mix the beef and Ramen into the rice.

I
t was six-thirty on a cool Saturday morning in the California State Prison, Corcoran. My road dog Spider and I were out for our usual morning walk around the yard. Coffee in hand, beanies down past our eyebrows, we were strolling along when something caught our attention. There was an unusual number of black inmates and white inmates on the yard. They were in groups of about ten each. The vibe in the air was cold—and not just from the weather. We decided not to walk past them, and just posted up against the wall facing both large groups. Sure enough, they kicked it off! A full-blown race riot. We weren’t in a position to run from it, so we got down on the ground the second it started. From where we lay, we saw men getting stabbed, beat, and finally shot by the CO in the tower.

After the smoke from the pepper gas canisters cleared, Spider and I were escorted back to our building, unharmed. It reminded me of the movie
Braveheart
, the scene where the two masses run toward each other with weapons, and the bloodiest feud unfolds. It’s one thing to see it on TV or even a big movie screen, but when it’s ten feet in front of you, it’s something else altogether—and a lot more memorable, unfortunately.

Ingredients

2 packs beef flavor Ramen

1½ cups boiling water

1½ cups or ¾ pound beef chunks (about 11 ounces)

½ cup chopped cooked potatoes

½ cup chopped celery

½ cup chopped onion

2 jalapeño chiles, chopped

2 tablespoons mayonnaise

Note:
I’ve been known to double the mayonnaise if I have it handy.

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

3. Drain off excess water.

4. Mix the roast beef, potatoes, celery, onion, and jalapeños in a large microwavable bowl. Add a little water to moisten—about 2 tablespoons.

5. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes, until hot.

6. Add the Ramen and mayonnaise. Mix well.

by Troy Duffy

I
’m sitting in the courtroom facing my imminent demise, while the loud shrieks of “You killed my husband! Now his children will grow up with no daddy,” etc., etc. ring in my ears. These are the voices of the family members of the men I had killed. I feel in some way betrayed. Don’t they know what these animals they called father or husband were about? All these men were scum, the scum of this very earth! But I had been charged with three murder counts!

Then the judge gives me four f’ing minutes to respond before he sentences me on three counts of murder in the first! I’m like, “Really, Judge?!!” I’m thinking,
Oh hell naaah!
So I stand to respectfully retort.

“Your Honor, three? Just three? I was on Donkey Kong that day, it
had
to be more than three, had to be. I demand a recount!”

I also addressed the gallery. “As for your husbands, fathers, and sons, apparently neither this court nor the media asked the following rather obvious questions. What were they
all
doing in those woods, armed to the teeth, with twenty other douches assaulting a house filled with people who kill known criminals for a living? Now, granted I’m aware that I was fresh in the game. I get it. I totally get it. I’m a nobody. But those other three? My associates? Whooo, all they did was kill assholes, all day every day. Seriously, they’re like the holy trinity of asshole killers! Now, during the discovery process, I was provided the criminal histories of your husbands, fathers, and sons . . .”

At this point my lawyer rudely interrupts me and whispers in my ear, “I gave those to you confidentially, wasn’t supposed to, blah blah blah . . .” To which I say, “WTF?! You were a shitty lawyer anyways. I hope you get in trouble. And Judge, if you need me to testify against this douche bag, no problem! Back to biz!”

So I turn to the gallery to perform my well-thought-out last hurrah speech, looking each person in the eyes. “Your husband was a rapist. Your father was a murdering rapist, and your son was a drug-dealing murderer who, to his credit, wasn’t much for rape. Guess he really stood up to the peer pressure. But let’s talk big picture. If there is any justice in the next world, your husbands, fathers, and sons are spending their days being force-fed demon cocks in hell and capping off every evening with a good old-fashioned ass raping from Satan himself. Well, except the lone nonrapist. Let’s hope the Prince of Darkness rolls with the ‘punishment fits the crime’ crowd.”

Then out of the corner of my eye, I catch this little girl, and my heart bleeds. “My only regret here is you, dear. I think in the years to come you are going to look into this and come down to my side, especially once you realize how your own family pimped you out to the media. For you, I just have sort of a, a, like a very soft ‘fuck you.’ Enough to let you know where I sat, ya’ know? But not enough to . . .” Then she starts wailing.

I can’t take it, so I turn to the judge. “Well, shit. Sorry. Judge, go ahead and throw the book. You know you want to.”

The judge can’t wait to sentence me, but then I realize I still have some time on the clock!

“HANG ON! Still got some time, and I’d just like to say . . . prison: looking forward to it. Haven’t seen the ‘family’ in a while; besides, it’s time to check in. Back to three hots and a cot and mandatory workouts. Could use a little more ink, too. Shit, ain’t nothing changed but the time and the weather! Looking forward to cooking up my old Ramen spread with the fellows!”

Troy Duffy
is a director, screenwriter, and musician. He directed
The Boondock Saints
and
The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
. This monologue imagines a scene in which Romeo from
Boondock II
, played by Clifton Collins Jr. as a ferocious underdog, addresses the court. He is on trial for murder after a barrage of bullets ended in a bloodbath that left several mobsters dead.

Ingredients

1 pack chili flavor Ramen

1 cup boiling water

1½ cans (about 4 ounces each) mackerel, drained

1 can (3 to 4 ounces) sardines in hot sauce

1 can (3 to 4 ounces) smoked oysters, drained

2 tablespoons mayonnaise

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.

3. Drain off excess water.

4. Add the seasoning, mackerel, sardines, oysters, and mayonnaise. Mix well.