Prison Ramen: Recipes and Stories from Behind Bars (11 page)

W
hen a federal inmate gets transferred to another prison, it’s usually by air or bus. If it’s by air, it’s con-air. Do not eat or drink the night before a transfer of any kind. When you are handcuffed, shackled from waist and ankles, it is very difficult to use the restroom. And the guards don’t really care how difficult it might be. I learned from the accidents of others that it’s better to stay prepared for what’s ahead. No matter how hungry I get or how weak I feel, I’d rather have an empty stomach than a full load.

A few days before you transfer, try a meal like this one. You’ll have energy to spare, even after you’ve eliminated most of the meal.

Ingredients

2 packs beef flavor Ramen

3 cups water

½ cup chopped carrots

½ cup chopped cooked potatoes

½ cup chopped celery

½ cup chopped green beans

½ cup beef broth

3 tablespoons soy sauce

½ cup cooked beef chunks

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a large microwavable bowl. Add the seasoning.

2. Add the water, carrots, potatoes, celery, green beans, beef broth, soy sauce, and beef. Mix well.

3. Cover and microwave for 8 to 10 minutes, until hot.

by Jacob Vargas

A
lot of people ask me how I got to be known as the “Aztec Warrior.” It all started when I was doing a stretch at Tracy. I hated doing time, eh. I got claustrophobia and shit, eh. I don’t like locked doors! No more locked doors! Damn where was I? Oh yeah. So I was locked up and there was this female prison guard who kept flirting with me and shit. She told me she wanted to see my mini me. I must admit I was a bit nervous. It had been a long time since I’d done it with an actual woman. So my cellmate Lil Puppet (every Vato Loco knows a Lil Puppet) schooled me on a secret Ramen recipe that is guaranteed to get your lil soldier to attack and take no prisoners! It was called Ramen-Agra. Let me tell you this shit worked, eh! I took care of business and then some. I gave new meaning to the term “penal system”! She called me her Aztec Warrior. Ramen-Agra is great to eat right before a conjugal visit. Your lady will keep coming back for more. It will also keep her from running into Sancho’s arms while you’re locked up. If you’re freaky and want to make it extra pungent, add a little oyster sauce. Just make sure your lady isn’t allergic to seafood, if you know what I mean. Also make sure your cellmate doesn’t eat too much of it or
you
might have to sleep with one eye open.

Jacob Vargas
is an actor who has appeared in several films, notably
Traffic
and
Jarhead.
He is perhaps most identified with his role as Joker in the film
Next Friday.
Vargas wrote this piece as Joker, taking his life a step beyond the movie. This is Joker telling the story of his time behind bars.

Ingredients

1 pack shrimp flavor Ramen

1 cup boiling water

3 cans (about 3 ounces each) smoked oysters

1½ cans (about 4 ounces) mackerel

2 cans (3 ounces each) smoked baby clams

2 jalapeño chiles, chopped

Hot sauce

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl with seasoning from the packet.

2. Add the boiling water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

3. Add the oysters, mackerel, baby clams, and jalapeños. Mix well.

4. Add hot sauce to taste.

S
ometimes the inmate-on-inmate beatings you see in prison are for reasons that could make you laugh if they weren’t ultimately so tragic. I watched a guy get beaten so badly he lost his eye. He was caught red-handed stealing onions that a bunch of other inmates had smuggled in. He was beaten with a weapon known as the “lock in the sock.” This is a heavy iron padlock concealed inside a tube sock. The sock is knotted, and when it is swung quickly, making contact with soft parts of the body, it will cause severe damage, sometimes death.

One man loses an eye, another gets years added to his sentence. For vegetables! The guys who had been stolen from may have wanted to forget it, and say it’s just not worth it, but there was no option. It’s the convict code, the law of the land. Fight, and you spend longer in prison; walk away, and your life in prison is made even harder because you’re an easy mark. You’re stuck either way.

Ingredients

1 pack chili flavor Ramen

¾ cup boiling water

¾ cup crumbled cooked hamburger

¾ cup chopped cooked chicken breast

½ red onion, chopped

1 jalapeño chile, chopped

½ bag (2-ounce bag) pork skins or rinds

3 tablespoons strawberry jelly

3 tablespoons soy sauce

1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

3. Mix the hamburger, chicken, seasoning, onion, jalapeño, pork skins, jelly, and soy sauce in a large microwavable bowl.

4. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes. Stir, re-cover, and microwave for 5 minutes more, until hot.

5. Add the Ramen. Mix well.

Gustavo “Goose” Alvarez

I
was in my mid-thirties when I joined a recovery program at the California Correctional Institution in Tehachapi. I was tired of hearing the same bullshit in my life. I knew I had issues with my temper, but I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do about it. Until my recovery counselor told me a story that I continue to share with anyone who seems to need it. This is how I remember hearing it.

There was a village in Africa that was suffering from a mysterious disease. It was killing the animals, the elders, the kids—just everyone. A group of scientists came to investigate. They found that the drinking water from the local river was contaminated with a deadly bacteria. They went to find the source of the water. It turns out it was coming from a mountain range where there was a huge pool of fresh water from melted mountain snow. The researchers tested that pool of water and found it worse than the actual river water! So they had a diving team go to the bottom of the pool to see what was causing this deadly bacteria. At the bottom of the pool they found a huge wild boar stuck at the opening where all the fresh water flowed into the river and down to the village. All the water was being filtered through this rotten pig, which caused the deadly bacteria to flow all the way down the river and infect everyone. Once the pig was pulled out, the fresh water coursed through and everyone was able to live healthy, normal lives.

I didn’t understand what this story had to do with my anger problems until my counselor asked me some questions. We ended up talking about one of my childhood friends. He was a crime partner I thought I could trust. When he had a chance to snitch and go free, that’s exactly what he did. He pointed a finger and gave up all the evidence to find me guilty and sentenced to ten years. We had been best friends, and I never thought this could happen. I buried this anger and betrayal deep down, but it was affecting me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. When there was a snitch on the prison yard, I would volunteer to “handle him,” as we’d say. My trust issues were ruining my relationships with everyone. Having a short fuse didn’t help.

When I finally came to terms with all this and realized my old friend was the rotten pig affecting me and my “village,” I was told to do what seemed impossible: forgive him. You can imagine my anger when I heard this. After a couple of months, I finally stepped up to face it. Not many convicts agree with the idea of forgiveness, but I was tired and just needed some change in my life. So I forgave him. I even sent him a letter explaining how I had been feeling all these years and told him not to worry. Our feud was over and I did not hold him responsible anymore. He responded, and from his letter it was clear he’d been carrying the heavy weight of what he had done. His apology was sincere, and I accepted it. Things have turned out so much better.

When you let stuff go, it’s like being able to take a deep breath for the first time. Check yourself. Who knows what rotten pig you may be dealing with and how it might affect others in your life. I have found that life is just too short for grudges.

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