Positively Yours (18 page)

Erin could see where this conversation was going.

‘Don't worry about me, Dad. I'm fine,' she said, standing up. ‘Anyway, I've got to get back to work, but why don't you help yourself to another cup of tea before you tackle those rose bushes?'

And before Paddy could express any more concern, Erin had the door of her study closed.

But by the time it was 5 p.m. Erin was dying to shut her laptop and head into town to Amy's hen, anything to get her mind off houses, families and babies. After a quick shower she changed into a new blue cocktail dress, and a pair of her favourite Nine West shoes. She tied back her hair, locked the house, and then hopped into a taxi.

Erin and the girls were all meeting Amy in the Shelbourne Hotel for champagne, before heading to the Unicorn for dinner. After that Amy's younger sister Jenny had reserved four tables in the VIP section of Krystle nightclub so they could dance the night away. Erin didn't think she would last until then, though. She knew she should be cheerful for Amy's hen, but after that last negative pregnancy test something in her had changed, her spirit had broken. Deep down she knew she
was not a pleasure to be around, but no one sympathized with how she was feeling, no one understood how disheartened and worried she was. And all she could do at this stage was up the ante, try harder, even though she just felt like lying in bed and crying.

Erin was jumping out of the taxi when her phone rang.

‘Hello. Is that Mrs Delany?'

Erin did not recognize the voice.

‘Yes, it is,' Erin replied as she began walking through the revolving door of Dublin's most famous hotel.

‘Oh, hello Mrs Delany, this is Margaret here from Yummy Mummy in Ranelagh. I'm ringing to say we finally got that order of new stock in and we have the black and white dress for you here.'

Erin froze. She had completely forgotten about her moment of madness in the popular maternity store.

‘So, will you be in over the weekend to collect it? We are open all day tomorrow and again on Sunday afternoon.'

Erin stuttered with her words, she didn't know what to say. Across the hotel lobby she could see Amy looking stunning in a white halter-neck dress, her bronzed skin giving her a healthy glow. She was so happy and carefree. Meanwhile Erin felt panicked and embarrassed. She was mortified, yet had to admit to the shop assistant that she wouldn't be in to collect the dress.

‘I'm so sorry,' she said stumbling on her words. ‘I don't need the dress any more.'

‘Oh,' said Margaret, surprised.

Erin hadn't meant to add anything else, but suddenly the words tumbled out of her mouth.

‘You see, I'm not pregnant. Trust me, I wish I was, but I'm not.'

There was utter silence on the phone.

‘I'm sorry,' added Erin.

‘I'm very sorry, too. You poor thing,' Margaret said sympathetically, before hanging up.

Erin flung her phone back into her handbag. Any small bit of excitement she'd felt at heading out on a Friday night with her best friends to celebrate with the bride-to-be Amy had now been shattered. She took a deep breath and walked into the bar. All the girls were crowded around a large table that was full of drinks. As she walked up to the group she couldn't believe it: there was not just one, but two very large bumps squeezed into party dresses. Erin felt terrible. After Margaret at the maternity store thought she'd had a miscarriage, the last thing she wanted was to have to party all night with two pregnant women.

‘Oh my God, Erin! You're here!' Amy shouted as she raced over and hugged her best friend. Erin held on to Amy a little longer than necessary.

‘Are you OK?' asked Amy, a little concerned.

Erin felt like telling her everything, admitting how her seemingly smooth-running life was not all plain sailing, that she and John just couldn't get pregnant, and that she was finding it harder and harder to be around expectant mums, but then she looked at Amy and realized it was her big night. She didn't need to be weighed down with Erin's worries.

‘You look like you could use some champagne,' said Amy and she moved Erin over to the reserved seats. ‘Would you believe it? My two cousins are pregnant, so it means there's more alcohol for us all!'

As Amy handed her friend a big glass of bubbly Erin was about to explain how she wasn't planning on drinking too much, but then the worries and exhaustion of the day hit her. And as she watched Amy's cousins glow and gush over their bumps, Erin grabbed the glass. This was no time for taking it easy, she needed alcohol and plenty of it.

‘I always knew Take That would reform,' slurred Erin to Amy, as the band's hit song ‘Never Forget' blared across the nightclub's dance floor.

‘No, you didn't. You cried the day Robbie quit the band, and we all knew it meant the end was nigh.' Amy was trying to dance, but she kept falling over her handbag.

‘No, I loved them, and in my heart knew they would return. Maybe the DJ will play the song again.'

‘Erin! He's already played it for us twice. No, go and ask him to play some Justin Timberlake.'

Erin stuttered towards the DJ box, but her drunken legs were not the steadiest, and before she knew it she had crashed into a large group of men. She immediately received lots of attention, but it was all unwanted, because her mission was to keep the bride-to-be happy and get JT playing asap. She was really enjoying the night; it was nice to catch up with her friends and enjoy a lovely meal, but mainly it was great to unwind. She hadn't been this drunk in a long time, and had forgotten the way each glass of wine made her whole body relax more and more. It was fun, too! Amy's sisters had gone to lots of trouble to make sure Amy enjoyed her hen night. From buying silly gifts to taking plenty of photos, they had it all covered. Although their insistence at making sure everyone did shot after shot of tequila was responsible for the state Erin was in. She hadn't realized how drunk she was until she tried to read a text John had sent, and found she couldn't even see the screen properly. But still, she soldiered on, and was at the bar, trying to order another bottle of champagne, when she felt a pair of strong sturdy arms wrap themselves around her.

‘I thought you were only having two glasses of wine?'

Erin turned around to see John smiling.

‘I'm drunk,' she announced.

‘I can see that,' he said, noticing her slurred words, messy
hair, and the small rip in her tights. It was all very unlike Erin, but John was delighted.

‘How did you know I was here?' she asked suspiciously.

‘You texted me!' he said, laughing. ‘Do you not remember?'

Erin had no memory of that.

‘I'm glad to see you've enjoyed your night. Are you OK, though?'

‘I'm fine, I'm fine. Let's dance!'

John guided Erin to the packed dance floor, but after Erin's third fall on to the sticky floor he decided she needed some air.

Once out on the nightclub balcony John could see the full state that Erin was in.

‘Maybe we should go home?' he suggested.

‘What? No! I need to dance with Amy,' Erin slurred.

‘Amy was brought home by her sister twenty minutes ago. She's locked.'

Erin knew she was defeated, and so, after finding her coat, which was in a ball under a chair, she leant into John's body.

‘Take me home, please,' she said, as she looked into his brown eyes, and then snuggled into his warm chest.

‘Gladly,' said John, as he protectively wrapped his arms around her and helped her into a taxi. He hadn't felt as close to her in weeks.

And when they got home Erin peeled off her party dress and fancy shoes, and willingly got into bed with John, and this time there wasn't any mention of ovulation or timings – it was all about true love.

‘
DO YOU WANT
me to call the doctor?' John asked, staring at the closed bathroom door.

Erin sat on the cold tiles, her pyjamas covered in sweat, her greasy hair tied back, and as she leaned her face against the rim of the toilet bowl she thought she might die. She had been throwing up all weekend.

‘I think I can still taste tequila. God, maybe I have alcohol poisoning,' she said, but deep down she knew that she had just drunk way too much at Amy's hen. At the time it had seemed like a good idea, and even for the first few hours at home, wrapped up in bed with John, the drink had knocked the edge off her, but then had come the vomiting, and it hadn't stopped. Erin hadn't left the bedroom and bathroom all weekend. John had spent the last two days walking up and down the stairs, under orders to get more toast, more water, more painkillers, more towels. It had been a weekend of hell. Erin had been feeling sick, upset and annoyed, and had taken it all out on him.

Suddenly the bathroom door opened and Erin walked out and slipped right into bed. John handed her a glass of cold water. He then placed his hand on top of hers, but Erin shrugged it off.

‘
You were the one who told me to drink.'

‘Excuse me?' asked John, not understanding.

‘You stood here on Friday morning and told me I would be a bad friend to Amy if I didn't drink plenty at her hen party.'

‘I told you to have a few drinks, not enough to almost put you into a coma.'

‘Well, why didn't you bring me home earlier, then?'

‘I took you home from Krystle ten minutes after meeting you. You are being unreasonable. Listen, I know you feel sick, but we've all had nights when we've drunk too much, and regretted it.'

‘It's not the drink I regret, you know. In case you cared, this weekend was the prime time for us to have sex, I'm at my peak of ovulation. But I was in no state last night, and I can barely move my head let alone have sex tonight, so once again we will have to go another month childless.'

‘We had sex on Friday,' John said very matter-of-factly. ‘Or does that not count because you were on good form and happy?'

‘Friday wasn't the right day, and anyway you should hope I didn't get pregnant then. With all that alcohol in my blood the baby would be affected.'

John raised his eyes to heaven. ‘Christ, I'm sure half the children in the world have been conceived after a night on the tear.'

‘Well, I don't want our child to be,' Erin replied, turning her back to John.

John gazed at Erin. The room was in utter silence.

‘I'm glad to see you're back to your usual happy self,' he said sarcastically.

Erin spun around in the bed.

‘What does that mean?' she demanded.

‘It means you have been in a self-pitying, self-absorbed bad
mood for months now. Don't you think that I'm worried we won't be able to have kids? You seem to think you're the only one in this relationship.'

‘That's not true,' Erin replied.

‘No, I suppose that's not entirely true, but you seem to think I'm only good for collecting you when you're drunk, looking after you when you're vomiting all weekend, and of course I'm the one you come to for sex, but only when it's the right time, day or hour for baby-making. I love you, but you're making it harder for me to care each day. You're pushing me away.'

Erin was stunned, but rather than apologize she was fuming.

‘I'm making it hard? God, you're the one who doesn't have to worry about dieting, fertility levels and periods. I'm doing all the work here.'

‘It shouldn't be work. I've told you that before.'

‘Well, we aren't gonna have this baby the easy way, that's evident from the past year of trying.'

‘Maybe we should look at alternative options, then.'

‘What?' she spat. ‘I've worked out, done yoga, given up junk food, barely drunk in four months, and now you're saying you want me to forget all those sacrifices and what, just adopt? We are not taking the easy route, John.'

‘I don't think adopting is the easy route at all,' he said. ‘But all those “sacrifices” are driving us apart. When was the last time we just sat in and watched TV for the night, or spent a whole day in bed? Or went out and got drunk together?'

Erin said nothing.

‘You don't care about me any more. You might care about my alcohol level, or worry if I have a cigarette, but you don't care about me.'

‘That's not true,' Erin replied, but her voice was cold.

‘Really?' John asked. ‘When was the last time you asked me about work? Or came to one of my races? You're too busy going to flipping yoga or fortune-tellers, all in the effort to help create a family. Well, I'm your family, and I'm right here, at home.' John felt his pulse and heart race, but neither said anything.

Suddenly John's phone rang.

‘Oh Christ, it's Stephen. What will I say about tonight? I suppose we should cancel,' said John.

Erin had forgotten all about their planned night with their friends Stephen and Ruth. They had a fourteen-month-old baby, Jessica, and she kept them busy most of the time, so Erin and John rarely got to see them, but weeks ago Ruth had said they were long overdue a night out and so had booked all four of them to go to dinner in a new restaurant in Dun Laoghaire. Erin had no interest in going outside the house, and spending time with John, especially since she was feeling so sick, but the meal was still hours away and she knew how excited Ruth and Stephen were at the prospect of having a night off from the baby.

‘We can't cancel on them, they've been looking forward to it for weeks. We'll have to go,' said Erin. ‘We can continue our conversation later,' she added.

‘Fine,' said John, walking out of the room as he answered the phone to his friend.

Erin and John didn't speak all afternoon, both feeling the other should offer an apology.

After an afternoon in bed Erin finally managed to drag herself into the shower and fling on jeans and a top.