Positively Yours (20 page)

‘A foreign accent? Mum, I'm married to an American, you know,' said Grace, annoyed.

‘Oh, I know, and Ethan is lovely, but Grace, there's no place like home, and your home is Ireland. All those shopping malls, swimming pools and sunshine might be fun, but surely you want your children to know how to play GAA, not baseball?'

‘Children?' asked Grace. ‘God, Mum, one child will be enough. Our world has been shaken enough by the news of this one baby. No, we will be a family of three, that's it.'

‘You want your baby to be an only child? A poor little lonely child?' said Patsy.

‘Oh Christ, Mum. Don't push me. One child is all we are having. My God, you're so into this whole thing, it's a pity you can't carry him or her yourself for the next few months.'

‘Trust me I would if I could. Being pregnant is a blessing.'

Grace knew she was losing the battle, and so changed the conversation. But it was hard not to keep coming back to the same questions: would they stay in Ireland a little longer, what should they do about Coco, and what would Grace do about work? No one would want to hire a pregnant woman who was only planning to stay in Ireland for less than a year. There was a lot to do, but Grace was just so tired and wrecked the whole time that all she wanted was to lie down and sleep.

Ethan had taken a back seat in the pregnancy until the day of the big scan. They had gone nervously into the maternity hospital. As they watched people rub their bumps and smile, or kiss newborns, they had felt left out and awkward. They had felt like impostors. While everyone else had revelled in their baby being on the way, Grace and Ethan had been nervous at the thought of this unplanned arrival. Grace had sat with the cold gel on her stomach, while Ethan had held her hand. As the nurse had explained what was shown on the screen, Ethan had suddenly squeezed Grace's fingers.

‘My God, that's the heart beating,' he'd exclaimed.

‘Yes,' smiled the nurse. ‘And if I move the camera down you can see the leg kicking.'

‘A leg. A real little leg!' Ethan's hand had squeezed Grace's again.

‘Wow, it's unreal. That's our little one. Right there!'

Grace had seen the look in his eyes change. The last few months Ethan had been in shock, knowing there was going to be change in his life, and even though he wasn't over the moon he had been willing to cope with it. He had helped Grace choose which hospital to book in to, and made sure she was feeling OK and eating well, but it was like he was just doing what he knew was his duty. He was just getting on with it. But as he had leant forward to look at the monitor screen and watch his child roll around, Grace had already sensed a difference in him. There had been something about seeing the images on the screen that had made Ethan finally realize his child was alive and kicking.

As they left the hospital Ethan's enthusiasm had soared.

‘I know Randy said I would feel different once I held the baby for the first time, but I can feel the difference already. Just seeing him.'

‘Or her,' Grace interrupted.

‘OK, seeing him or her move, and the heartbeat, it just makes it real. Wow.'

Grace was happy for Ethan. He had always been an enthusiastic person, a real go-getter, but the last few weeks he had seemed confused and unsure of himself. The unplanned pregnancy had flung him into something he hadn't bargained for, and Ethan always liked to be prepared.

The days after the scan were the best time Grace and Ethan had enjoyed since they came to Ireland. Ethan was getting very excited, and in-between buying Grace a ton of baby books and dragging her to the shops every weekend so they could look at cots, bouncers and car seats, he was finally beginning to enjoy the pregnancy. Grace was still tired, but as Ethan was eager to enjoy the city nightlife and see as much as possible before the baby was born, they spent most evenings eating out in the top Dublin restaurants. From the Unicorn to Chapter One, they spent meal after meal discussing baby names, baby toys and how they wanted to raise their child.

Grace was delighted that Ethan was happy, she knew with his energy and passion he would be a great dad, but even in the enthusiastic weeks after the scan she still had a niggling sense that she wasn't feeling how she was supposed to. She saw other mums as they walked around Dublin, with their hands proudly rubbing their bumps, and watched them tell anyone and everyone they met their due date. She sat in the doctor's waiting room listening to other soon-to-be mums as they told her how happy they were, and how they couldn't wait until the time came for their baby to be born. She listened as her mum recounted stories of her own pregnancies, all of them tales of joy, hope and expectation.

But Grace had a secret that she didn't want to admit to anyone: she still didn't wake up each morning and think about her baby, she didn't dream about its future, she didn't
cry every time she felt it kick. Seeing the scans had made it a bit more exciting, but mainly Grace kept thinking about how different her year in Ireland would have been without unplanned parenthood looming ahead of her.

Grace had hinted at her reluctance to be thrown into motherhood to her oldest friend Sharon. The girls had met in primary school and become close friends. They'd done everything together, although once they finished college Grace had wanted to get out of Dublin, while Sharon had just wanted to make money and be successful. And she certainly had been. While Grace had set up home with Ethan, Sharon had gotten a great job in an Irish bank, met a man, and before long got married herself.

At first Sharon had visited Grace in San Diego at least twice a year to catch up and enjoy the sunshine, but before long she had said she just couldn't do it any more what with work, married life and saving to buy an even bigger house. Grace had missed seeing her, but they had kept in touch. And then, almost two years ago, Grace had been surprised when Sharon had announced she was pregnant. Grace had never seen her friend as the maternal type, but of course she had been happy for her, and had sent baby Chloe the cutest, most expensive clothes that the West Coast had to offer. Grace had been dying to hang out with Sharon once she'd moved back to Ireland, but it had been harder than she'd thought. They had met a few times to begin with, but then Sharon and her husband Mike had had to move into their new house in Co. Wicklow and had been up to their eyeballs. But once Sharon had heard that Grace had the pictures from her twenty-week scan she had longed to see what the baby looked like.

‘You just have to visit next week! I still have Chloe's little scan photos. They are so precious.'

Grace wouldn't exactly call the scan photos precious; cute maybe, but they were so hard to interpret. And she just couldn't believe that the black-and-white grainy blob was actually her child. But even so, she set a date to visit Sharon and baby Chloe.

And now, as she drove past Greystones, she wondered when Sharon would return to work. She had taken extended maternity leave because of the baby and the house move, but Grace presumed that with her love for work, her career and making money, she would be heading back soon. After all, Chloe was now fourteen months old.

‘I'm not going back,' said Sharon, as she poured Grace a cup of tea.

Grace was very surprised.

‘Sure, how could I leave all of this?' Sharon asked, as she waved her hands around the huge shaker-style oak kitchen. With its expensive furniture and massive glass windows overlooking the extremely large country-style garden, Grace could see how Sharon would find it hard to go to work each day and leave it behind. It really was a beautiful home.

‘I suppose it would be hard! I know I miss our house back in the US, too. We're lucky we both have such lovely big homes!' Grace joked as she tucked into another biscuit.

‘No! I don't care about the house! It's Chloe I'd miss. It's all this I couldn't live without,' Sharon said, as once again she waved around the room. This time Grace noticed the other things. The large photos of Chloe, the frame that held a pair of bronzed first shoes, the yellow highchair, and the
Winnie The Pooh
DVD that was playing from the small TV in the corner. And then she looked at Chloe, who was sitting amidst a big pile of toys. She had a buttered cracker in one hand and was flicking the pages of a Dora the Explorer picture book in the other.

‘How could I ever leave her?' Sharon asked again.

Grace looked on as Sharon picked up her daughter and gave her a big hug and kiss. Chloe squealed with delight. As she kissed her mum back Grace could see how happy both of them were. Chloe was beautiful and as bright as a button, but still Grace couldn't believe that the workaholic Sharon was about to throw in her career.

‘Once you have a child nothing else matters. Yes, we worked hard to get this house, and it really is everything we dreamt of, but a house, a car, travel, clothes, make-up – they all come a distant second to a child, your own child.'

Grace said nothing.

‘It took us a long long time to get pregnant. There were very tough times, but when we were finally blessed with our little angel I just knew nothing else could ever make me as happy again. She was worth all the hardship.'

When Sharon had announced she was expecting she had admitted to Grace that it had taken her a little while to get pregnant, but what her friend was saying now made Grace realize it had been much harder than she had let on.

‘I couldn't get pregnant for a long time. We tried everything. Finally we had IVF.'

Grace put down her mug. She was so surprised. Sharon had never told her that. She hadn't even known Sharon had wanted kids that much.

‘Nobody ever wants to admit that they can't get pregnant. I never told anyone apart from my mum and sisters. But that didn't make it any easier. At first we just kept trying by ourselves, but eventually we had to get help. Nowadays a lot of women are the same: I suppose our generation has left having children too late. I always thought I could just have kids whenever I wanted. If it hadn't been for Mike's interest in having children early then I might not have tried for a few more years, and then maybe I would never have had Chloe
at all. God, I can't bear thinking about that, though. I was so selfish before.'

Grace didn't like her friend thinking badly of herself. Sharon was fun, kind, hard-working and a great friend.

‘Don't say that,' said Grace, taking her hand. ‘Look at you now, in your fancy Dan house, with a beautiful child, and the knowledge that you don't have to get up for work in the mornings. You're lucky!'

‘So are you,' replied Sharon, as she swept the blonde hair out from Chloe's forehead. Chloe smiled and then made a beeline for the new kitchen presses, which had locks to prevent her from opening and breaking everything inside them. ‘It's just such good news that soon you'll have a baby, too. Our children can be friends, just like us!'

‘Oh yeah,' said Grace, once again reminded of how soon she would have her own child.

Sharon took in Grace's demeanour.

‘I know this has been a big surprise, and you feel you were caught out, but we're not seventeen years old. Getting pregnant isn't something to be worried about. Yes, you got pregnant while on the pill, it happens to so many people. You might see it as an accident, but trust me, once you hold your baby you will realize it was a true blessing.'

Grace felt she was talking to a stranger. Sharon sounded like the perfect mother from a Disney movie. Grace had come here not only to visit her friend and her gorgeous baby, but finally to be able to admit to someone that she was nervous. Nervous that her maternal instincts and feeling hadn't kicked in, that she still didn't know if she wanted a child. But as she heard Sharon say once again how having children was a blessing she didn't think she would be sympathetic.

Even so, Grace admitted her fears, but rather than comfort her, Sharon got very defensive.

‘Do you know how many women would die to get pregnant
and have a child of their own? You should realize how lucky you are!'

‘It's not that I hate children or anything. When I see Chloe I know how great children can be, but just because some women find it difficult to get pregnant doesn't automatically make me feel over the moon because I didn't.'

‘Find it difficult? Grace, it's more than just finding it difficult to get pregnant that causes the pressure. I never told you, but my inability to have children almost broke me and Mike up.'

Grace looked at Sharon. She had never heard her speak so openly and truthfully.

‘You don't know the pressure a couple can be under when all they want is children yet they just can't make them. At first it wasn't a big deal, but as the months wore on our whole lives revolved around my cycle and periods, around trying to eat healthily, trying to relax – yet not being able to – and, of course, the underlying unspoken thought that it might be all the other person's fault. If we hadn't fallen pregnant when we did, I honestly think we might have split up. We were under such pressure, and we were just so consumed with it all that we lost track of ourselves. When you want a child there is nothing else to talk or care about, but when Chloe was finally born we became a family, and the joy and happiness brought us back together again. We're so lucky to have Chloe, but so many people will never get pregnant, so you should be grateful. Try to be happy. More positive.'

After hearing how hard Sharon and Mike had struggled to have Chloe, and how it had pushed their marriage to breaking point, Grace could see how Sharon wouldn't understand how she was feeling. So she switched to another topic of conversation, and Sharon gave her a guided tour of their new home before they sat down to lunch.

Grace was helping Chloe put on her pink shoes when Sharon opened the dishwasher to get some clean cutlery out for lunch. Suddenly Chloe pushed Grace aside, flung the shoe on the floor and made a dash for the open dishwasher. Grace was amazed at her speed.