Positively Yours (30 page)

‘Great,' said Erin, thinking that apart from the mess, looking after two children seemed pretty easy so far.

‘OK, Jessica is asleep. We had better go, before you guys change your minds,' joked Stephen, as he came back into the room. Erin could see he had no interest in small chat, and just wanted to get out of the house.

‘Ring us if there's a problem, and don't forget to use the newborn soother, it'll get Daniel to sleep in minutes!' said Ruth, as she flung on her coat, headed to the front door and didn't look back.

‘Shall I put Daniel in the soother basket thing now?' asked John.

‘No,' said Erin. ‘We don't need all that electric motion. A baby should learn to fall asleep on its own. We won't be buying some quick-fix sleeping soother solution. And if needs be a little walking with the child won't hurt us. As Ruth said, it's good exercise!'

Forty-five minutes later there were tears rolling down Erin's face.

‘My God, just turn the flipping soother on! What's wrong with you?' she shouted at John over Daniel's cries. His wails were reaching ear-piercing levels. Tears, sweat and snot were running down his face.

‘It's so complicated. I can't get it to work,' said John, whose T-shirt was stuck to his back. The heat of the room and the sweat from walking with Daniel for the past thirty minutes was getting to him. The second Ruth and Stephen had walked out the door everything had gone wrong. Daniel had gotten really upset and refused to calm down, and his yells had woken Jessica, who was now sitting in her pyjamas in front of the TV shouting that she wanted Cheerios, and crying for her mum.

Suddenly a strange noise came from Daniel's nappy. Erin felt a damp wetness soak through his Babygro.

‘Oh my God,' said John, peering at the baby in Erin's arms. ‘At least we now know what was wrong with him: he needed to go to the toilet. But look at his back! He's got poo seeping through the Babygro.'

Erin almost vomited. This night had been a bad idea.

‘OK, well, let's change him. You get the water, I'll carry him upstairs. And don't forget to bring Jessica, she can't be left alone.'

Erin walked up the stairs and placed Daniel down on the nappy changer. John appeared with a bowl of water and Jessica, who was chewing on a rice cake. Erin started to remove Daniel's Babygro.

‘Christ, he's up to his neck in poo. Forget the cotton wool, this is a baby-wipe situation.'

‘I read that water is best. You see the water . . .'

‘I don't care what is best,' John interrupted. ‘This baby has poo under his armpits. Pass me the wipes.'

John opened the nappy, but at the same time Daniel kicked
his foot and it ended up right in the middle of the explosion. His poo-covered foot was now waving in mid-air. Erin went to clean it, when suddenly Daniel spit up. And before Erin could do anything, he had moved his head sideways and stuck his face into the vomit. He now had sick in his eyes and poo on his foot, and his back was still glued to his Babygro.

‘Bap,' said Jessica, whose latest word was bap, which apparently meant ‘dirty nappy'.

‘Bap, indeed,' said John, who was now opening a second bag of wipes. ‘This is worse than cleaning out the toilet on a boat,' he said, gulping back the urge to vomit.

Finally they got Daniel cleaned up. Erin had the baby in her arms, and was just about to dress him in fresh clothes, when he was sick again. This time Daniel managed to miss himself, and the vomit went straight down Erin's expensive shirt. The sick collected in her rather large maternity bra. For a moment no one said anything. But then John started laughing, followed by Jessica, who'd laugh at anything that a grown up thought was funny.

‘OK, I'll wash him. You change your top,' said John.

‘I don't have any spare clothes,' whined Erin, who could feel the sick swishing as she moved her chest.

‘Just fling on one of Ruth's jumpers, but hurry back. I can't do this alone.'

Erin filled a plastic bag with her shirt and bra. She found an oversized hoody of Stephen's and flung it on. Back in the bedroom John had gotten things a little more under control, and Daniel was at least clean now, and had stopped crying.

‘OK, let me get him some new clothes,' said Erin, opening a large chest of drawers. In the top drawer she found plenty of worn-out baby-blue all-in-one vests and Babygros. She was surprised to see the expensive French designer yellow sleepsuit she'd bought Daniel in the drawer unworn, and with its tags still on.

‘Well, you can wear this now,' said Erin, as she began un-buttoning the sleepsuit.

‘Are you sure that's the right way round?' asked John. ‘Don't the buttons usually go down the front?'

‘No. In the shop all the gorgeous French clothes had the buttons at the back. I suppose it means the front looks nicer.'

John didn't seem convinced. ‘How are we supposed to get him into it?'

Erin looked at the sleepsuit. She tried to lower Daniel into it, but realized in order to fasten all the buttons she would need to lay him down.

‘But I can't lay him face down just so I can fasten the buttons, he'd suffocate,' said Erin, starting to realize there might be a reason the suit was unworn.

‘Forget fastening the buttons, we'd have to break his arm just to get him into it, it's so small and tight,' said John, who now had the baby's arm wedged between the collar and the sleeve. Daniel's face started going red and he began bawling.

‘My God, who invented these clothes?' asked Erin with disbelief, as she debated cutting the baby out of the useless outfit.

John managed to get Daniel out and decided to put him in a pair of pyjamas instead.

‘His feet will be cold in them,' complained Erin.

‘Fine, I'll get him some socks,' replied John, opening a drawer that was full of tiny accessories. His large hands fiddled with the baby socks, bibs and hats.

Erin turned to check on Jessica, and only then realized she wasn't in the room. Erin ran through the house in a panic, only to find her standing in the middle of Ruth and Stephen's bedroom. Jessica was painting the bedroom walls with an old dirty toilet brush. Erin ran and grabbed the toilet brush off her, only to notice Jessica's face and hair were covered in
Sudocrem. Erin had misplaced the Sudocrem while changing Daniel, but had been too busy to fret about it, but now as Jessica's fair hair stood up stiff and white with the cream she knew she should have left it on a higher shelf. Erin found the half-empty jar of Sudocrem floating in the toilet bowl. She took a deep breath. Ruth and Stephen had only been gone an hour but already their house and children were in bits.

Twenty minutes later John was stuffing Daniel with the expressed bottle of milk.

‘I don't want to know what's in this,' he'd said as he'd heated it up.

Erin had cleaned Jessica, and was now trying to pull her down from the coffee table. Jessica was full of energy, and seemed to like climbing, shouting at the baby and pulling the fake coal from the fire the best. It was while trying to piece the gas fire and its coal back together that Erin noticed Daniel's feet as John walked with him.

‘What have you got on his feet?' she asked.

‘Socks, like you told me,' replied her husband.

Erin took a closer look.

‘They're not socks. They're mittens!'

Erin and then Jessica began laughing. Jessica took this opportunity and moment's distraction to turn over the kitchen bin. Erin watched as the poo-filled nappy, vomited stained clothes and toilet-water-flooded Sudocrem jar all rolled out on to the kitchen floor.

‘We have to get these kids to bed,' she said, exhausted.

Finally, John put Daniel into the baby soother crib, which he had set rocking on full blast. As the crib rumbled away, John managed to persuade Jessica to return to bed by giving her Cheerios and juice.

‘It's probably too late for her to have juice,' said Erin.

‘I think tooth decay is the least of our worries,' said John,
as he wearily carried Jessica out of the room, leaving Erin to finally sit down.

Erin surveyed the room, and already she didn't care about the mess. She was just glad it was quiet again. Who cared if it was untidy or dirty? It was just such a relief it didn't contain a screaming baby or Sudocremed toddler.

A little later Ruth and Stephen returned home.

‘So, how were they?' asked Ruth, who looked better for her two hours out of the house.

John looked at Erin, and with his eyes told her to lie.

‘They've been as good as gold,' said Erin. ‘We had a few little hiccups, but nothing we couldn't handle!'

‘Oh, that's such a relief. You two are such good friends.'

‘Cheers, mate,' Stephen said to John. ‘Why don't you both stay for a beer?'

Erin could tell from the look on John's face that the last thing he wanted to do was stay another five minutes. They were both exhausted.

‘Thanks, Stephen, but I'll have to drag John home. My own two little bumps are kicking like mad. I need to lie down, but thanks for the offer.'

Erin had barely said goodbye before John had his coat on and was walking out to the car.

Neither spoke for the first ten minutes of the journey home.

‘I never realized how much work it entailed,' said John, wrapped in his memories of the last two hours.

‘I never knew a small baby could puke or poo that much,' added Erin.

‘What have we got ourselves into?' asked John.

Erin didn't reply. Finally John started giggling, and then he broke into full, hearty laughter. ‘If you had seen the look on your face when Daniel puked into your bra. It was hilarious!'

Erin couldn't help but laugh herself. The bag of dirty clothes lay in the boot of the car, a memento of their ill-fated babysitting episode.

‘I didn't have the heart to tell Ruth that Jessica ate most of her Jo Malone body lotion.'

John laughed again, but they were both thinking that the fact they were expecting twins soon was suddenly very real and scary.

‘Don't worry, Erin, our kids will be different, and it's probably much easier when you're minding your own children.'

‘Yes, of course,' said Erin, but she didn't sound too convinced.

‘But one thing I have decided is that tomorrow I'm going out and buying, not one, but two baby soothers for our children!'

‘They're miracle machines,' whispered Erin, as she leant back into the seat and nodded off. For once she didn't dream about babies; she'd had enough of them for one night.

‘
AND NOW LET'S
have everyone on to the dance floor for “Rock the Boat”!' the DJ shouted to the crowd.

Beth Prendergast gazed at the sweaty DJ sitting behind his decks. Was he joking? ‘Rock the Boat'? The corniest song ever, especially for a wedding. But obviously other people didn't feel the same way, as Beth was almost knocked to the ground by them pushing to get to the dance floor. Beth watched as they sat down in a line on the ground and began swaying from side to side. Christ, I can't do that, I'd go into labour, she thought. She looked for an escape route.

‘You're not going anywhere,' said Simon. ‘Pregnant or not, you will rock that boat!'

Beth laughed. Today was her friend Susan's wedding. Beth had listened to her plans for her big day for months. She'd been so excited for her, but as the date had got closer she'd begun to dread being sober and almost seven months' pregnant at an Irish wedding. And her misgivings were justified: the day had been fabulous, and Susan had looked beautiful in her Vera Wang dress and Jimmy Choo shoes, but now, as the night wore on and everyone else drank far too much of the free champagne, it was brought home to Beth how hard it was to go to boozy events pregnant and on your own.

The venue was beautiful, and Wineport Lodge was
all Susan had said it would be. It was the perfect place for a summer wedding. Beth had booked a single bedroom months in advance, and had been lucky to get a beautiful one overlooking the lake and the boat jetty. Susan and her new husband Paul had both spoken so well at the service, and Beth had welled up as she'd heard Paul talk about the first time he'd met Susan, and how he'd known at once she was the woman of his dreams. Beth had been fortunate, too, to sit at a table that wasn't just full of Burlington employees. She liked most of the guys she worked with, but some of the people on Susan's team were hard work, and enjoyed grilling Beth on her pregnancy and attempting to work out who the father was. Beth had been placed beside one of Susan's cousins, a guy called Simon from Cork. He was a lot of fun, and seemed to be the only one delighted to hear that Beth was off drink.

‘It just means there's more free wine for us,' he said to the table, all of whom had previously eyed Beth up and dismissed her as a party pooper.

Simon had three sisters and knew everything there was to know about pregnancy and babies.

‘Trust me, I didn't want to become an expert on waters breaking, breastfeeding and expressed milk, but having a house full of girls means all this unwanted information has gone into me by osmosis. I'm telling you, Beth, if you have any questions on teething or weaning, I'm your man!'

Simon was very funny, and Beth was delighted to have him beside her at the table.

‘I usually get stuck with one of my younger cousins at these weddings, so it's great that I've finally been put beside such a beauty. I always thought stockbrokers were slimy overambitious young guys! It's a shock to find out they can be lovely women, too.'

Beth laughed, but had to admit she was flattered by his
compliments. It had been a long time since a man had given her any. She couldn't quite believe it was happening, considering she was wedged into the faithful black maternity dress that she had worn to every function since she'd been four months' pregnant.