Positively Yours (16 page)

‘You have your career to think about too, you know,' Tom said, as he tried to hold her hand.

‘What does that mean?' she said accusingly, shaking him off and moving further away on the couch.

‘You're very good at what you do. You're smart, quick-thinking, precise and reliable. You're one of the best employees we've ever had. You could go all the way.'

Beth acknowledged the compliment.

‘But how will six months of maternity leave affect that?' he asked. ‘We all know having a baby affects women.'

Beth looked at him, horrified.

‘You can't be serious. That kind of thinking went out with the Stone Age. There are thousands of very successful working mothers.'

‘OK. Well, how many successful female senior portfolio managers with children do you know?'

Beth was caught off-guard. She knew there must be some, but for the life of her she couldn't think of a single one.

‘That's irrelevant. I was the youngest female to become a SPM in Burlington, so I'm sure I can set the bar for working mums, too.'

‘That's what I love about you. Your drive, your determination to succeed, and your inner belief,' Tom said, smiling. ‘But I'm trying to tell you how, even with all those, when people have a baby their life changes.'

‘There's nothing wrong with change,' said Beth, who over the last few weeks had realized all the changes she should have made years ago. She should have focused less on her career and put more work into her relationships, both with men and women. She had always been too busy to spend much time with her girlfriends. She loved meeting them, but between working hard to build up her career and trying to find time to spend with Tom, she knew she had let some of her friendships slide. And with no siblings to turn to, either, she had felt very alone the last few weeks.

‘I'm just trying to make you realize all the sacrifices that come with having a baby, and that your career is inevitably going to suffer.'

‘And what about your career? Or is it only my life that the baby will affect?'

‘We both have a lot of decisions to make, but you know
how I feel about this. I want you, but I don't want another baby. I'm in my fifties. At this stage it's not about babies, I've got my career to focus on. I'm sorry to upset you, but honestly, that's how I feel.'

And that was it, Beth had her answer. And now she just had to make the decision: a life with Tom or raising a child alone? It only took one heartbeat.

She stood up and took a last look around the room that was filled with Markey Robinson paintings and expensive crystal.

‘You've worked hard and it's paid off. But sometimes it's not about work. I've planned every inch of my life, been careful and always played it safe, but now it's all been turned upside down. I have no idea how my life will change, and how it will pan out, but I've got to go with my heart and not my head. I'm sorry you don't want this child, but I do.'

It took every ounce of strength for Beth to say it. Every inch of courage to decide to leave the man she had loved and have a baby alone, but it felt right.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Beth watched the fire, while Tom gazed at her.

‘Are you sure about this?' he said, obviously shaken. ‘Because you know what it means? I don't want to raise this baby. You understand that?'

She nodded.

Tom covered his face with his hands. He was stressed, and for once not in control of the situation.

‘But how will this work? What will we tell everyone?' he finally asked.

Beth had no idea what would happen, but having a baby alone would be better than losing one just so she could keep a man.

‘I don't know. We can think about it. I won't tell anyone yet, at least not until I'm twelve weeks.'

‘And will you tell them I'm the father?'

‘Tom! We're not a pair of fifteen-year-olds who just got caught having sex! We're adults, and we're old enough to have kids whether we stick together or not. It's not some big scandal.'

‘For me it would be,' he whispered.

Beth knew she had Tom over a barrel now. But as much as he'd hurt her, she knew it would be hard telling everyone she was pregnant by one of the directors. She would need to think this through.

‘I don't know what I'll do.'

He looked slightly relieved. Beth had never felt so completely turned off by a man as she did now. She could feel acid in her throat. How could I have loved someone who reacts like this? she asked herself. She was starting to realize that she might have good business acumen and judgement, but her ability to see clearly what kind of man she was with had been off kilter.

‘I have to go. We can work out the details another time,' she said. She wanted to get out of his house. She never wanted to see it again.

‘Of course I can look after all the financial costs. I can guarantee that.'

Beth said nothing. She knew money was not a problem for him, so offering to pay her doctor and hospital fees was hardly a big gesture. She might take him up on it, but for now she was hardly going to gush over his generosity.

As she reached the hall door she turned to Tom, who was still looking pale.

‘I thought I knew what kind of man you were. But I realize I've wasted a lot of time on someone not willing to go the distance. This is your baby, but if you're not man enough to own up to your responsibilities, then at least I know that now, and I'll make sure your child does, too. It seems all the money in the world can't buy you a heart.'

And with that Beth managed to find the strength to run down his long driveway and just about make it into her car before sobbing uncontrollably.

There was no going back now. Herself and Tom were over. She was having this baby on her own.

Beth's hands were shaking as she turned her car engine on. She was still crying, but determined that Tom would not see her upset. She pulled away from his house. As she drove through affluent Dalkey her mind raced. The last few weeks all felt so dreamlike. She didn't look any different, she didn't have any bump, yet there was this little thing inside her that might have been small but was big enough to have changed her life for ever.

Beth pulled her car in on Vico Road, and sat and watched the lights of all the huge family houses that looked out over the Irish Sea. She had come from a family with just one other person, her dad, and as loving as he was she had always felt lonely. No mum, no brothers and sisters. She had vowed that if and when she ever got married and had kids she would have a big house full of children, noise and love. But now she was about to bring a baby into the same environment that she had grown up in, only worse, because at least she'd had her mum for ten years. This little baby would have no dad. How would it cope? Already Beth felt protective towards her little unborn child. She only wanted the best for him or her.

Beth was overwhelmed with emotion. From the break-up with Tom to the fear of how she would cope alone, it was all too much. She needed to tell someone about it, to have them reassure her that it would all be OK, that she could do this. She didn't know who to call. The news of her pregnancy would shock all her friends. But then she looked at her watch and realized it was almost midnight, and too late to call any of them. She sat in her car and looked out of the window,
watching the moonlight reflect off the tide. Suddenly she got the urge to drive somewhere she hadn't been for quite a while. She turned the engine on and headed to her real home – where her dad was.

Beth drove through the old iron gates and parked her car on the gravel next to her dad's spotless old Jaguar. She felt nervous. She hadn't planned to tell him yet, but there was no one else to turn to tonight. Suddenly, it occurred to her that he might be out, or in bed, but then she saw light streaming from his front living room window. She walked up to it and through the curtains saw him sitting in his blue and white pyjamas, watching an old movie and sipping a cup of tea. She saw the empty couches: he looked so small sitting alone in there. She started crying again. All this time she had thought she was the only one who was lonely, but here he was, by himself on a Friday night, with no one even to watch TV with. All at once, she felt so guilty for not spending more time with him.

She went to the front door, let herself in, and walked through the hall, which was filled with her dad's golf clubs, and had all his shoes neatly lined up under the stairs, the way he always stored them. Beth smiled. She heard their old dog, Rusty, bark and fling himself up against the living-room door.

‘What's wrong, boy?' she heard her dad ask.

Beth walked in the door just as he came out with Rusty. He jumped as Rusty clambered all over Beth.

‘Jesus Christ!' he said, putting his hand over his heart. ‘You gave me such a fright! What time is it? Are you OK? Why are you here?'

Beth managed to calm the dog down and settle her dad back into his chair.

‘It's so late, are you all right, darling?' he asked as he switched off the TV. He was still a little shocked to see his daughter.
She was usually so organized, and arranged every visit in advance.

Beth looked at her dad, and saw the genuine concern in his eyes. He cared. Tom had sat gazing at her all evening without that expression, but now that she saw it she crumbled. All the weeks of hiding her news and doing the thinking, worrying and planning on her own had taken their toll. She was exhausted and very emotional, which were two things she was unused to feeling. She spluttered out the news.

‘Dad, I'm pregnant.'

William Prendergast did a double take. He looked intently at her, and then glanced at her tummy. She started crying again.

‘It's still early days, but I'm almost ten weeks pregnant,' she admitted, waiting for him to be upset at the unexpected news. But it was also such a relief for her to say the words out loud to someone other than Tom. It also made it sound real. She was having a baby. It was really happening.

Her dad stayed still for a few minutes, looking very surprised, but then walked over and sat down beside her.

‘It's OK. It's great news, don't cry.'

Beth looked at him as he put his arms around her. She hadn't been hugged by him in a long time.

She could smell his Old Spice aftershave and the distinct smell of Baileys, which he drank every night before bed. These smells brought back childhood memories. She couldn't stop crying. She was filled with different emotions: relief at having told him, happiness at being at home and in the arms of someone who cared for her, and worry about all the things that might go wrong. Finally she stopped weeping and pulled away.

William passed her a tissue. As she wiped her eyes he poured himself a glass of Baileys from the side table.

‘On a night like this I need a second helping.' But he didn't
have to justify himself to Beth, she would have killed, too, for a drink to help her relax and unwind.

‘So, tell me everything,' William said, and with that Beth decided to be honest and start from the beginning.

‘You know Tom Maloney?' she asked. ‘Well, he's not just my boss . . .'

Half an hour later she stopped talking. She had told her dad everything. How she had loved Tom, even though she knew she should have dated someone younger, simply because he was everything she'd thought she admired in a man. And how he had reacted when she'd told him the news. Beth knew it was a lot for her dad to take in – an hour ago he hadn't even known she had a boyfriend, and now she was explaining how she was pregnant.

‘So he wants nothing to do with this baby?' asked William, his face flushed. Beth could see he was annoyed.

‘Well, he did say he would pay any bills,' she said, knowing it wasn't the answer her dad was looking for.

‘Well, I should hope he will! It's his child after all, and he can well afford it.'

Beth felt embarrassed. Even though she was in her thirties she still suddenly felt like a teenager who'd had sex and got caught out.

‘I'm sorry,' she said, feeling ashamed.

Her dad stared at her.

‘There's nothing to be sorry for, pet. I know it wasn't planned, but we just have to deal with it now. And, to be honest, I'm happy.'

‘Really?' said Beth, unconvinced.

‘Well, I'm not happy that Tom has let you down. But I've been looking forward to being a grandad for years. This house is too big for me on my own, it feels empty. But can you imagine what it will be like when there is a little boy or girl running around here, causing havoc? And they will love the
garden, it's perfect for playing in. And I still have your old cot. I never threw it out. It might need a lick of paint, but I can fix it up for the baby for when it stays here.'

Beth was surprised, she had never thought her dad wanted to be a grandfather.

‘But how will I cope on my own? Being a single parent. It will be impossible.'

William came over and sat beside her on the old couch. The light from the fire carved deep wrinkles in his face as he took Beth's hand and squeezed it.

‘I was a single parent too, you know.'

Beth found it surprising for her dad to put it like that. She was starting to realize all the things they had in common. And of course, she'd always known that he had found it very difficult being on his own and raising a daughter. As if he read her mind, William spoke.

‘I know I wasn't the best father. I found it so hard. I really regret sending you off to boarding school, but I didn't know what else to do. I know now that it affected our relationship. But grandchildren can be my chance to fix things, a new start. And it will be fun!'

Beth smiled, still feeling upset. Her mind raced, and at the same time she felt so tired. Her dad leaned forward and hugged her tight.

‘Congratulations. You will be a great mum. And I'm here to help, too, every step of the way.'