Personal Experiences (33 page)

He walked out from behind his desk and started pacing in front of it "and how am I making you look like that?" "By making it look like we're fucking each other, TJ!" I yelled at him. "What were you thinking about when you were staring at Sam?" He didn't answer me, so I came closer to him "What…you don't want to say? Cuz you know I know? That you were thinking like we were still seniors in high school and no one can ever put their eyes on me? Well, I'm here to tell you, Trevor" I enunciated his name because he hated when I used his whole name, "We are not in high school anymore. I am not your girlfriend and we are not fucking each other anymore!" I finish off yelling.

As fast as I could draw in a breath from finishing, TJ was in my face, teeth gritting, his breath coming out as though he was hyperventilating "And why is that, Elleny? Why aren't we together anymore? Why are we not fucking anymore? Oh, that's right, because of Bear. What is it with him Elle, Bear's cock bigger than mine? He give it to you better or even longer than I ever could?"

Before I could even think what I was doing, the palm of my hand came up and made contact with his cheek and it hit hard. I brought my hand back down and covered my mouth. Physically blocking the screams from coming out.

He didn't know the shit I had to put up with. Fuck him! I didn't need this shit. "Fuck this, I'm going out to Carlene and have her call me a taxi, I'm going to the airport, this job is done." I go to turn my back on him and head for the door when I heard him whisper "wait". I turned back around and he was staring at me. "Wait for what, TJ?" He stepped forward that one step and I look up at him and he's looking down at me "For this". He picked me up and carried me across the room and pushed me up against the wall with his mouth on mine. My arms flew around his neck, my legs were wrapped around his waist, everything was happening so fast, my mind was in a whirl. One minute we're fighting like cats and dogs; I even got physical and the next minute he's sucking my face off, this is so deranged, this whole cluster-fuck of a situation. But I can't help it. He is a drug to me. I can't seem to be able to tell him no; still! I opened my mouth wider and grabbed the back of his head to pull him deeper into me. I can't get enough of him. He broke the kiss, breathing fast, I could feel he was hard again and he had perfect access because my skirt had drifted up to my hips. I have yet another, pair of panties that need to be burned, which reminded me to find a mall with a Victoria's Secret in it ASAP to purchase more panties. His eyes were roaming the whole of my face. I must look a mess; he looked beautiful. I've missed this look on him, his cheeks were flushed, his lips; swollen. His pupils were dilated, absolute beauty staring at me.

"Tell me your mine" he whispered, so soft it seemed he just mouthed it. "Say it Elle, tell me your mine." I was like in a dream, one of those dreams when I was pregnant, I could hear a voice that sounded like me but yet my mouth didn't move. "I'm yours" I heard my voice say. "Tell me you belong to me" "I belong to you" He kissed me softer this time as he rolled his hips under me, "You with me?" I heard it and tears came to my eyes. I was gone; completely and he knew it; I knew it. Through tears and a voice that didn't want to cooperate with me, I finally got out what he was waiting seventeen years to hear again "Anchored to ya, babe." He touched his forehead to mine and then his lips came to mine and we kissed as though we were giving each other life… again.

Chapter Fifteen

February 1993

Winter had seemed to diminish early this year. It was cold but not as cold as it had been in February years ago. I was a big as a barn and really the only times I left the house was for my doctor's appointments and when I was going stir-crazy and needed some time out among living people. Bear had come home after being away for three weeks. He begged and pleaded for my forgiveness, I did it and he came back, he wasn't back for long; a week then he was gone again for another two. I was used to it now. This was how it was going to be and I really didn't care anymore. If he was here, he was here if not no big deal.

The babies were good. Back in December I had a small scare; I thought I was in labor but they were small contractions called Braxton Hicks, the doctor said it was my uterus practicing for the big day. So she monitored the babies for a bit then let me leave the hospital. The babies weren't moving around very much anymore because, bless their hearts, they just didn't have any room. I had a doctor's appointment today and Mona was taking me since it was slick out daddy and her didn't want me behind the wheel. I didn't have a problem with that, so I sat in the back seat and propped my feet up.

"Have you thought of anymore names, Ellie?" I did, that was about all I could think about anymore because everything led back to TJ even my dreams.

"For a girl, I'm thinkin Tatum. For a boy, Dylan."

"I like those names Sweetheart, they sound like good strong names."

"I think so." I said as I sat and rub the top of my belly."

"I think you're a strong woman, Elleny" Mona said out of nowhere. I looked into the rearview mirror and I could see her eyes looking at me. "Don't you ever let him break you, you understand me? You can give him your blood and your sweat but don't you ever give him your tears. You are stronger than him" Her eyes were going from the mirror to the road, from the road to the mirror. I looked at her and through tears, I shook my head. I knew what she was saying and it killed me that her and daddy had to see what he was doing. I didn't care about him leaving or having another woman, I didn't give a shit; he didn't hold my heart. What I cared about was that they had to clean up his mess when he was done beating me; that was something you just didn't want anyone to see.

Reaching the doctor's I stepped out of the car and out of nowhere I felt fluid run down my leg.

"Well shit Mona, I just pee'd."

"You what?" she laughed as though I was joking.

"I just pee'd down my legs."

"Honey, that's not pee. I think your water broke."

"Oh shit, it's not time, Mona. My babies; they aint done cookin." I was panicking so my southern accent was really coming through.

She told me to stay where I was, she was going to run up to the doctor's office to find out what we should do. She was gone about eight minutes and came running back out taking in oxygen as though she ran a marathon.

"Jesus, Mona you ok?"

"Girl, I am not a runner, I'm a lover and a shopper" southern belles don't run. Yeah, I was told that too. You see where that got me. "What did she say?" I had to bring Mona back to reality because she had a plaque on a bench with her name on it, right smack-dab in the middle of lala-land.

"Oh yeah, I'm taking you to the hospital; she's right behind us." I got back in the car. "Make sure when we get there, you call daddy and have him bring all the stuff" I told Mona. I wasn't really planning on having these babies today but they had other plans. I did though have a bag packed, and the two car seats were by the front door so that we could grab and run if need be. Now we know, next time Mona does not do the running thing.

Wait a minute, what the fuck am I talking about, next time. This was not being repeated. Although women told me child birth hurt, this wasn't hurting. Maybe it only hurt with one baby; maybe with two, God felt so bad that you had to suffer double while being pregnant that he said that there would be no pain during the delivery. This was going to be awesome.

"You want me to try and reach Bear?"

I didn't have to answer that, my face said it all.

I got to the hospital and was admitted right away and sent up to the labor and delivery ward, and got a bed. My feet were up and I could lay back and watch TV this was nothing. I rested for a bit then my dad came in with everything. He brought my bag, the babies' bags and the car seats. This was when it hit me, next time I leave this hospital, I will have my babies in my arms. I wanted to cry. I took a little bit of time to call Rachel and Lilly to let them know that I was in the hospital and that my water had broke they both wished me well and told me they loved me, then I just laid there and waited for the doctor.

Laying there in that bed with my stomach protruding out so far I couldn't even see my feet lying down thoughts came to me, what if TJ was here would he stand beside me holding my hand? Would he kiss my head and encourage me to keep going? Tell me he loved me and that this was the happiest day of his life, other than the day of our wedding of course, as tears of happiness ran down his cheeks. Would he look at our babies and think that his heart would burst with the amount of love that he felt for us; his perfect little family? I couldn't help but feel that this was the day I was finally going to hold in the palms of my hands pure love. Our love in the form of a baby; two in fact. That's how deep our devotion to each other was, it could not, would not, be contained in one being. I threw my hands up against my face and just took a minute to revel in the meaning of what that meant to me. I was happy but yet I was overcome with deep sadness for our perfect life that was never going to happen.

At that very moment I felt a twinge move from one side of my stomach to the other side as my whole abdominal section became as hard as a rock. The monitor I was attached to began beeping uncontrollably as out of nowhere nurses and doctors ran into my room and surrounded me and the machine.

"I want a sonogram STAT!" I heard the voice of one doctor as Mona and daddy flew to my side.

I was looking around so shocked at what was going on around me I couldn't even get out of my mouth what was the matter.

"I heard another doctor demand, there's no time we need to section her immediately." I didn't know where to look anymore so I just grabbed my dad's hand and held on tight.

Finally, one of them addressed me.

"Mrs. Jackson, I'm doctor Duvall. I'm on staff here at the hospital, Dr. Leonard is on her way. Your babies seem to be in distress. Every time you have a contraction their heart rates go down. The way that they're dropping, I don't think we are going to have a chance for a natural birth. My recommendation is to do a caesarian section and let's get those babies out here so that you can enjoy both of them." My dad immediately told the doctor to do it. I just sat there staring, numb from what he just said to me.

Let's get those babies out here so you can enjoy…both of them.

"So… there's a chance… my babies will…" I couldn't even get the word out of my mouth. I had made it almost thirty-five weeks with these babies fighting each other who would get to jump on my bladder as if they were jumping on a bouncy bed and there was a chance that would be all I would get of one of them or even worse, both of them.

"That's why I would like to get you prepped for surgery. Doctor Leonard would be here in time to deliver your babies for you but time is of the essence here, we need to move now if we're going to do this."

There was no choice to be made.

"Let's go"

I laid there on that cold table, a piece of paper sheet at my breast line covering my lower half I couldn't turn anything other than my head and that was only a small amount to the sides. On one side of me was the anesthesiologist on the other side was Mona all dressed out in paper scrubs, her feet even covered in them. Mask on her face.

"Look at me Sweetheart, you're doing good."

I felt like I was in a dream, I couldn't feel my body from my chest down but yet I could feel tugging and pressure. "I can't feel myself breathe, am I alright? How bout the babies? How are they?"

The doctor beside me comforted me "You're breathing fine, that sometimes can be side effect, everything is stable on you, you're doing awesome, Elle."

I heard doctor Leonard's voice "Now Elle, you're going to feel lots of pressure, that's just me going in to grab ahold of baby number one ok?"

I answer back a soft but anxious "K."

I could feel exactly what she was talking about. I don't think I could describe it other than it felt like someone was pulling out my insides. All the sudden I heard the best sound I could ever hear in the world, a baby screaming then I heard the second best thing in the world.

"It's a boy!!"

Ah…I felt so much emotion I couldn't help but bawl and blubber. Then again with the pressure that brought me back to reality. Then again screaming, not as loud but still a shrieking cry.

"It's a little girl!!"

I began blubbering again. My babies were here. They were both crying and breathing. I was overjoyed. They took both of them over to warmers and began doing what they needed to be done. Weights were taken; hands and feet were stamped with black ink. Mona had met the nurses over at the warmers and was taking shitloads of pictures so that I could see what all they did.

A minute later she came up beside me and kissed my forehead, tears running down her face she got down next to me and said quietly so it was just me and her "They're beautiful Sugar, they look just like their daddy." That's when I closed my eyes and lost it completely. My prayers came true. I could look in my children's faces and see the twinkle of their daddy in them. Finally, when everything was done they wrapped them up and brought them to me. I was still strapped down to the table and I could feel the doctor was still doing things over behind the paper wall, but I couldn't see but it didn't matter all three of us were alive and well.

* * *

I remember being rolled back to the recovery room but that was it. I must've fell asleep because when I woke up I was back in my room and I was in tremendous pain.

"Ohhhhhhhh."

"Hey baby, you're awake…you hurtin that bad?" I saw my dad come up beside me and lay his hand against my forehead.

"Oh shit daddy, this hurts."

"Well yeah honey, you had major surgery, it's not like you went for a weekend to the spa."

I tried to laugh but that made it hurt even worse so I stopped. He reached around me for the button to call the nurse and I heard her voice as she walked in the room.