Personal Experiences (15 page)

It grew quiet again in the car with the hum of a radio station barely coming through as the background noise.

"Tell me whats on your mind" he asked at he stared at the road.

"To be honest, nothing really" and that really freaked me out, since the day I found out I was pregnant my mind hadn't stopped.

He chuckled and grabbed my hand "its gunna be ok, Ellie; things are gunna work out for us. We're gunna be married, then we'll be a family"; he attempted to reassure me.

I started to laugh at the thought of family pictures. The images that once stood in my mind with Trevor now had Bear replacing him beside me with our children wrapped tight to our sides. When Bear heard me laugh he asked me what was funny; I started to reply when I heard the chirp of my cell phone going off.

I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked at the caller ID and saw that it was TJ.

"Holy shit!"

Bear's eyes got big and asked worried "what is it?"

"It's TJ."

I saw Bear stiffen and reply a simple oh.

"I'm just gonna ignore it."

"Ah, ok."

I hit the ignore button then powered it down. If he read that letter then he was going to be calling off the hook and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that. I put my phone back in my purse and noticed the car had become silent again. I reached in the back seat and grabbed a pillow and a blanket and laid my head back and closed my eyes.

"Look, I'm gonna rest for a minute, can you wake me up when we get there?"

Bear rubbed my hand in acknowledgement so I shut my eyes.

Looking out over the mountains I stood on the edge with an Indian style trade blanket wrapped around me, and nothing else. Feeling the cool air hit my face and blowing my hair back, I felt arms wrap around me and a face nuzzle in between my neck and shoulder blade. Feeling so free, so lost from everything. Confused, I came back to my senses and wondered why Bear was moving a little faster; cuddling that is, than I was expecting him to but I figured he was about to become my husband so I'd better get used to him having his hands on me.

I leaned my head back and noticed he had shaved.

"You shaved? The beard didn't really bother me Bear" I said as I turned around and reached up to cup his face and noticed it was TJ.

"Bear…why would Bear come up behind you and put his arms around you?"

Mouth dropped and eyes wide I couldn't pass anything over my vocal cords, no answer would come out.

"Answer me Elle….Elleny…Elleny?????"

I jerked awake and looked around needing to remember where I was and who I was with. I looked at Bear, he stared back. What the hell, since I couldn't have him in my life now I was gonna dream about him?

"Jesus Ellie, you ok? You're soaking with sweat."

Fucking hormones!!! I mentally screamed at my body.

"Honey, we're here."

Looking up I saw we were at the hotel we would be staying at for the next two days.

Shit, this was really happening.

I got out of the car, reached my arms way over my head and stood on my tip toes stretching every muscle in my body. God that felt good.

I grabbed my garment bag then waited for Bear to pop the trunk and then went to grab my bag when I noticed Bear had grabbed it and carried it along with his up to our room.

As soon as he unlocked the door I dropped my purse and garment bag and ran for the bathroom, this baby was doing a number to my bladder, it seemed I was in there for thirty minutes but relief instilled my whole body.

When I came out of the bathroom Bear was sitting on the bed, arms stretched out behind him hands flat on the bed holding his-self up.

"Sorry, I had to go really bad."

"It's ok, I should've stopped I forget sometimes, this is all new to me"

"Yeah, me too but from what I've been reading, my body is going to be looking gross and disgusting shit is gonna happen so be prepared."

Bear's face turned white and he swallowed hard, I know this because I heard it.

"We don't have to do this ya know, there's still time to back out"

Bear quickly answered back "I aint backin out".

"K then, let's go get married!"

Thirty minutes later, after we both showered and changed, we went to get married.

"Yep, we did it!" I said to Rachel once we got back to the hotel room. I had called daddy too so that the two of them knew and I could go to bed, I was exhausted.

After we left the courthouse we went and grabbed a bite to eat, nothing fancy just some bar-b-que, but it had to be the best BBQ in Tennessee. The flavors were smoky and spicy but not enough spice to burn your throat. The baby backed ribs were so tender they fell off the bone and melted in your mouth. And I hadn't even started on the cole slaw…so amazing! We ended up staying at the restaurant talking for close to an hour and a half.

We then walked around the small town and window shopped. Several of the shops were mom and pop stores but the items they were selling were unbelievably beautiful. One shop sold homemade quilts. They were so simple but yet so elegant. Beautiful vibrant colors shaped in circles that were joined. Other quilts had large squares. Some quilts that were made from tore up t-shirts that had been sewn together. They came in all shapes and sizes. I made sure I wrote down the name and phone number of the store to see if they did out of town orders.

Another store was one that carried beautiful silver jewelry. The owner hand made all of the items in the store. The work was flawless. Bracelets made of thick silver bands stamped with vines outlined in black, some etched with simple curved lines. Rings that were wide strips of silver and engraved with hearts and had charms attached.

"You like these, dontcha?"

"They're exquisite. Look at what the creator has envisioned and put his blood, sweat and tears into. Even though they have sets that consist of a ring, bracelet, necklace, possibly some earrings each piece is unique and not quite the same as the other."

Bear didn't say a word; he just smiled then grabbed my hand and brought it up to his mouth where he kissed the back of it. Then we began walking again.

We found a small café at the end of the block that had little desserts and coffee so we both got a coffee and I got a piece of cheesecake to go and we decided it was time to head back to the hotel.

As we were going back to the hotel Bear asked quietly "How you feelin?" surprisingly I felt good, I hadn't been sick for a couple of hours and I felt normal again.

"I feel good, it's nice to have a couple of hours of not throwing up" I said as I giggled.

"That's not what I meant, how are you feeling about what we did?"

That was a good question because I hadn't really thought about it. Yes, we had gotten married but I don't think it had really hit me yet. I was trying so hard not to think of TJ but he continually was on my mind.

"I feel good about what we did Bear… I don't regret it at all" was the only reply that I could honestly come up with. At this Bear took my hand and we walked hand in hand back to the hotel room.

Reaching our room I waited for Bear to open the door. Walking in, it had hit me that there was one king size bed in the room.

"I'll sleep on the couch."

I looked over at Bear and I took it he could see the anxiety all over my face. I knew this was coming, sleeping with my husband but I didn't know how I felt about the sleeping part.

I took a deep breath and let it out and informed him that it was going to be fine that both of us could share the bed and that we had better get used to it, we'd be sharing one for a long time.

I grabbed my night gown from my bag and my cosmetic bag that also carried my toiletries and headed for the bathroom to get ready for bed. I walked in the bathroom, braced myself on the sink and glared into the mirror.

"What the fuck did you expect, Elleny?"

There was no response. I then told myself that it's going to happen at some point in time. So I took my dress off and hung it up on the back of the bathroom door and stood there looking at my belly that wasn't even showing yet as I rubbed my hands over it. "I hope you understand what I'm doing and that I'm doing it because I love your daddy so much. Please don't hate me." Again, no one responded. I took another deep breath, pulled my night gown over my head and then grabbed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth, washed my face and left the bathroom.

When I entered the room all the lights were off and Bear was already in bed laying on his side with his hand holding his head up. His shirt was off and the top part of his chest was above the covers and he was watching TV. I could see from the light of the television when his eyes came to me, I knew I had to be shaking but I couldn't feel anything because I had to tell my legs to walk to the bed. Pulling back the covers I could see that he was wearing his sweats and oh my, I could see every ripple of muscle that protruded from his stomach. Breathe Elleny, Breathe I laid flat on my back with my hands overs the covers straight to my sides and I was looking straight up at the ceiling.

"Fuck Elleny, if I pull you over here by me you'll break in two; you're so tense, relax girl I aint no stranger."

He was right, it may have not been TJ lying beside me but it wasn't like I didn't know this man all my life. Shit, we used to skinny dip down there in Antioch out at Ole man Jones' pond, I had seen this man naked, but his body did not look like it did when we were ten, he had matured and damn! He was Hot!!! I slowly moved my body towards him a little at a time, finally I felt his arm go around me and drag me over to him. When he did this he was lying partially on top of me and he was looking down at me, moving my hair off my face.

"I never thought you needed makeup, you sure are perty without it."

"Bear" I hesitated a moment "I think that you deserve to know that…that I've never been with anyone else other than TJ."

"Well no shit, I know that" he spoke through a smile.

I knew I was blushing but I thought I owed this explanation to him. I whispered "I'm not experienced."

Slowly his eyes never leaving mine he brought his face closer to mine and quietly he whispered "Well then I guess we have a lot of practicing to do, don't we."

And with that his face reached mine and then his lips gently touched mine for a chaste kiss on the side of my mouth, then another on the other side of my mouth. His eyes weren't closed and they never left mine. Another kiss, this one right in the middle of my lips nothing indelicate, just innocent, slow closed-mouth kisses. He was being so romantic. The next kiss his tongue touched my lips ever so softly and then pulled back.

"Mmmmm, you taste so good, Ellie."

He swiped his tongue over my lips again and I puckered my lips this time and blinked lazily while he did it.

"Just like honey on my tongue."

"Bear" I breathed. This time when he came back for another taste I parted my lips just a tad so that the tip of my tongue could touch the tip of his and he moaned. His hand moved up so that his thumb brushed my cheek but his hand held my head up so that I could get closer to him. I could feel that he was getting aroused it was laying on my leg…and hard….and long. Thinking to myself I began chanting holy shit…holy shit…holy shit.

"Baby, you gotta relax."

"I'm trying."

He came back to kiss me and grabbed my bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth. I pulled back and his hand resisted bringing me back up to him. I wrapped my top lip around his bottom lip and touched my tongue to his and that was all it took. He kissed me again and his tongue touched between my lips and I parted letting him in and I closed my eyes. All I could picture was TJ, he was the one I wanted here with me in this bed on our wedding night. I just kept kissing Bear as though it was TJ. The kiss got hotter and the moans coming from him were getting louder then he started moving his hips. Rotating his hips against my pelvis I knew that this foreplay wasn't going to be lasting very much longer. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hands up and down his back. He seemed to be thicker then TJ, broader. As the kiss deepened my hands went further down his back, slowly they began creeping into the top of his sweatpants.

"Yeah baby, grab my ass."

Oh shit, did he just tell me to grab his ass?

So I squeezed his ass in my hands and dug my nails into his cheeks. He muttered "oh fuck" so I was taking it that he liked that. Gradually, he moved himself so that he was between my legs and I opened and allowed him entrance. Pulling my nightgown up over my head I was naked other than my panties and I felt so self-conscious my hands went immediately over my breasts.

"Baby, don't cover yourself. Do you know how long I have fantasized about just one moment like this…with you?"

I'm sure he couldn't see it but my mouth dropped open, was he fucking serious? I had to tell myself to breathe in, breathe out; I couldn't even answer him.

"I… I… dddidn't… ummm… know… that, Bear."

He stopped for a moment and we both sat up against the headboard. He looked down at his lap "Don't get me wrong, I loved Rachel; but you…" He shook his head "you were like… a fantasy. It always seemed you and Trev would be together forever; inseparable. Not to be an ass though, I never thought I was good enough for you, Ellie. I wasn't rich, hell my parents were fuckin fruitcakes; I didn't have the best, Ellie; and you grew up with the best of the best. Plus you were pretty far up TJ's ass to ever even look at me as anything other than his friend." He chuckled.

Shocked, the only thing that came to mind was "I guess you're right, I was pretty high up there; in his ass, that is." I was not about to bring TJ into the middle of us right now, especially like this, his erection was knocking on my vagina's front door and these FUCKING hormones were sprinting to the door to let him in. I was also having a hard enough time trying not to make Bear totally invisible and putting TJ's face on him right now. Fuck!! I had to stop this. "But now I'm not and I'm here with you, so let's not think of him ok, Sweetie?" I said as I rubbed his cheek with my hand. "Now, where were we?"

He smiled and moved my hand away from my breast and gently went and hovered over it just gazing down at my chest.