Personal Experiences (24 page)

But I wasn't in this pact for love, there was nothing that said I had to hand over my heart to him, I truthfully didn't even have to fuck him I was just throwing that in for convenience, we agreed to marry and raise this baby together, no one had to know the reality of the situation other than me and Bear. I knew I had to stay with him and see this thing out.

We had decided that after the baby was born we were going to start looking for a house of our own. I was beginning to get excited. I could picture it all…A large four bedroom, two story, federal style home with a beautiful wrap around porch that had white-washed rockers lining up overlooking the small gardens in front. Stepping inside the foyer, it felt as though you were taken back in time, to where things were simpler and life was lived as a blessing not as a curse. Looking to the right would be the beautiful yet artless dining room that seated the enormous carving board dining room table with twelve chairs encompassing it.

Clean painted ivory colored walls with dark wooden quarter sawn flooring, that looked abused and neglected but was brand new and made to look ‘lived on'. Multiples of cross-stitched samplers adorned humbly the walk up the stairs to a balcony that overlooked the unpretentious furniture of the living room. Each of the five bedrooms upstairs, other than the nursery held a four poster bed that was painted a rustic brown wash and on top of each pillar was placed a beautiful, yet simple finale. The baby's room was almost over-the-top with the amount of pink that ornamented it. The walls were the soft pale pink that showed the softness of a little girl's skin. The white of the floorboards made it stand out.

Pure white curtains that were pulled back with a stronger pink ballerina shoe adornment at the wall. At the top, the curtains sagged just slightly in the middle and the other side of the window was done the same. Along the wall where the crib was positioned was painted a mural of very dainty ballerina shoes with silk strings billowing down the wall. Done in several shades of pink but yet still very light. Could you tell what I was hoping for?

I wanted to play the role of housewife in my own home. I could picture the smell of peach pies baking in the oven as I would roll dough to cut out homemade biscuits while the batch of fresh apple butter that I started the night before was simmered on the stove, I could smell the scent of cinnamon and spices wafting through my nostrils just daydreaming about it. Then I'd have dinner on the table when he came home from work. It seemed that I was ready for this.

I had a lot to occupy my thoughts but there was one person I would never have enough on my mind to stop thinking about, TJ. With Thanksgiving next week, I knew he would be coming home and I knew I was going to have to see him. I needed to explain and apologize. Would I be able to handle seeing him? It had only been two months, he didn't know I was pregnant, well he would get an eye-full now and would definitely know.

Standing at the kitchen sink peeling potatoes as all these thoughts crossed my mind I felt Bear' come around me and plant a kiss on my cheek. I smiled, I had to keep talking myself into what everyone was pushing down my throat; Bear was a good guy and I would learn to love him. I was trying as hard as I could. Just coming home from work I knew he would be hungry so I told him to grab a beer and have a seat and watch TV for a bit, dinner would be ready shortly. Daddy and Mona had decided to take a cruise for the holidays and spend sometime in the Caribbean this time of year, so it was only going to be me, Bear and whoever stopped by after going to their families. I knew Rachel, Lilly, Curtis and Rachel's new boyfriend, Kevin were going to drop in, I couldn't wait to see all of them.

I finished with dinner and got everything set up on the table. I had made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, candied carrots, homemade biscuits and apple butter and homemade peach cobbler for dessert. I was starving. I couldn't wait to tear into some chicken, I had noticed that the morning sickness, which I call bullshit on, it's all fucking day sickness, had slowed down and I was capable of keeping food down and the baby was thankful for as soon as sat down from doing the dishes and I put my feet up the nightclub inside of me opened for business and this kid was a flash dancer! I sat down and Bear handed me his plate, I made his and handed it back to him, then started on mine. I got to eat a couple bites in when I decided I needed to state my upcoming plan to him.

I knew this discussion couldn't be a question and answer forum because my questions would go unanswered. I knew I had to ask demanding and stay true to myself "I wanted to let you know I'm planning on seeing TJ when he comes into town for Thanksgiving. I owe him an explanation."

Bear stopped chewing just for a second and set his chicken back down on the plate to grab his fork and dig into the mashed potatoes. "That's not gonna happen."

I knew he was being serious but I wasn't asking him for his permission, this wasn't that type of relationship. Yes, he was my husband but on paper only I had to stand my ground here. "Excuse me? I'm sorry but I wasn't asking, I was telling you that I am going to see OUR friend that we have known since we all've been kids, and I'm going to talk with him."

"You want to go talk with him? Yeah…right, you want his cock to talk with your pussy!"

Now I was fuming, how dare he talk to me that way! That was totally not the reason to go and talk with TJ, I simply wanted to see how he was and tell him I had no hard feelings and I was hoping he didn't either but you never know with the way he was treated last time he saw me.

I pushed my plate farther away from me, I had completely lost my appetite and as I went to stand from the table I whispered "The fuck I aint" he must've heard me because he came back madder than I've ever seen him standing he growled "No. The. Fuck. You're. Not!"

What the experts don't tell you, is that being pregnant makes you think that you have super human powers. That being pregnant, you can conquer anything, jump from rooftop to rooftop? No problem. Chase a racecar around a racetrack? Been there, done that. Stand up to a man who is 6'3" and is daring you to grow a set of balls and get up in his face and speak to him like you've lost your mind? Any day!

"Yes. The. Fuck I. Am!"

That did it, He exploded in anger and lunged towards me and grabbed the table behind me. Roaring, he hurled with one hand Mona's elegant, marble topped dining room table over onto its side. The entirety of everything that I had been cooking since ten this morning was nothing more now than a stain on Mona's non-blemished white carpet. Out of nowhere and in the slowest of motions, I felt a flash of red heat on my cheek, cheekbone and temple and my head swirl around almost completely. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Bear's arm follow through on the smack.

He had struck me as hard as he could.

Slowly, he lowered himself down to my level and gritted "I told you when we made this fucking deal you weren't going to have contact with that fucking dick-licker again. Now what the fuck aren't you understanding about this?"

Kneeling on the floor with my hand against my cheek, tears were flowing down my face which I could feel mimicking the pulse of my heartbeat. "You hit me…" was all I could get out of my mouth. I was in total shock, here I was pregnant and he had whacked the shit outta my face.

Whispering in my ear he sounded like pure evil "And if you bring that mother fucker's name up again in my presence, it will be a lot worse next time. You understand me, Bitch? Fuck, now look what you've done, you fucked up my dinner… I'm going to the fuckin bar…don't wait up."

I just sat there, still in shock over what just happened. I began to pick up plates, I slowly stood and stayed still for a second to get my equilibrium centered then I began again to pick up the mess that was made because of me. I touched my face again and could feel it beginning to swell and damn did it sting. I continued to scrub the floor to get the peach cobbler out until I curled up into myself right there and fell asleep at eleven thirty. Bear still hadn't made it home.

I woke up the next morning wondering what I was doing on the floor. I was stiff and felt unrested, but I soon found I would be in a rush. Looking at the clock I noticed that it was eight thirteen, I had to be at Doctor Leonard's office at nine. I hurried to get dressed. I used double make up on my face but my eye still looked noticeable, I hoped to god that Dr. Leonard wouldn't say anything to be. At this point I realized that Bear was still not home but I couldn't wait for him, I had to go.

On my way to the doctor's I called his pager number and left a message with the operator that I had went to the sonogram appointment if he wanted to know if he was having a boy or a girl he could meet me at the office. I'm sure the operator was shaking her head in disbelief when I finished. I replayed everything that had happened last night and how pissed off and evil he sounded, he actually scared me when he whispered in my ear. That wasn't a threat it was a promise. He acted as though I didn't have a baby, his baby as he called it growing inside of me. I really think he would've kept hitting me if I didn't shut my mouth.

Sitting anxiously in the waiting room every time the door to the office opened I sat up at attention. Still, no Bear. I grabbed an out of date magazine and acted as though I was reading it. I was lost in my thoughts, about what had happened last night, about TJ and what would he say if he had the chance to experience this with me today, being thrown out of the conversation with myself in my head, I heard my name being called, but I wanted to wait a few more seconds just in case Bear just happened to be running up the stairs.

Finally, I couldn't wait any longer. I went back to the procedure room. The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure and then made me lay back on the table to measure my belly. I didn't really pay attention to the nurse, I would only see her for eight minutes at the most so I went back to my thoughts.

"Hmmmmm, how many weeks did you say you were, Mrs. Barker-Jackson?" Hearing her hum and then hearing my name I quickly moved out of lala-land.

Hmmmmm, that's can't be good.

Nervously I told her, "Ummmm, I'm twenty-two weeks yesterday?" I wasn't sure if that was the question or not.

I started thinking back to when me and TJ were at the lake and I started counting, whether or not it was that weekend or not, I had never been with anyone else so I guess it really didn't matter when, maybe I was off a week or two.

"Well, you're measuring a little bigger than that, let's just see what the sonogram says, you might be further along than you think." She said with a smile.

Now I was growing anxious, was there something wrong with my baby? What if it was deformed, I knew I had drank alcohol while I was pregnant not knowing I was pregnant, what if I hurt our baby. Oh god, I wanted to break down right here in this office.

Dr. Leonard came in and her bubbly attitude hit me like a lightning bolt. I wasn't in the mood for cheery. I just wanted to see what was wrong with my baby.

"Shall we go ahead or are we gonna wait for daddy…" She asked, her smile taking up most of her face now.

"No, let's just start" I said in monotone.

"Very well. Now this might be cold." She squeezed the gel on my belly and began rubbing the instrument across my skin which spread the gel all over the bottom half of my abdominal region.

"Well, here's the-" She stopped talking fast and just as fast the smile left her face. She pushed several buttons on the machine and then went to the phone to call for the nurse to come in the room, STAT.

Now I'm really fucking freaking. I'm in here by myself, the nurse told me I was measuring big and now the doctor is running around here like I need major surgery.

"Dr. Leonard, what the hell is going on, I'm freaking here."

Nurse…I-don't-know-her-name comes running in

"…I want an HCG count done and I want results by the end of business today!" She demanded to the nurse. The nurse turned to leave and closed the door behind her. Dr. Leonard sat back down and stated "Elleny, I want to show you something."

Oh my god! My kid has a second head or a sixth finger was all that kept going through my mind.

"Do you see this right here? This is your baby. I'm going to do some measurements on it here in a minute, so far everything looks good and progressing well. Do you want to know the sex?"

I look at the monitor and see what looks like a curled up small body. I see the head, torso, hands and feet. I smile, everything looked normal.

"Yes, yes I do."

"It's a girl, Elleny" she says with a smile that looks as fake as Nurse I-don't-know her-name's boobs.

She continues "now do you see this over here?"

I looked over the screen where she was pointing and it looked like a large blob nothing else, I was trying not to hyperventilate. Oh my god, what was next to my baby?

"Oh shit doctor, what is that?"

"It's a butt Elleny, do you see this right here…again she points, that is the penis attached to it. It's another baby Elleny, and it's a boy."

I almost laughed, she was kidding right? I didn't want to hear that it was another baby I wanted to hear that it was a giant blob, possibly waiting to be freed when the little girl came out and it was going to eat the whole town.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Yep, that came out of my mouth.

"You're having twins." There was that smile again…taking control over her entire face.

She did her measurements and played their heartbeats out loud so I could hear them, no wonder I was having a dance party in my belly they were excited to throw me into another emotional breakdown.

I couldn't handle this. This was all too much for one person to handle. I didn't think I could handle finding out I was pregnant, but now I had two babies growing inside of me? I couldn't breathe.

"I can't breathe."

Raising off the stool Dr. Leonard grabbed my hand and helped me sit up on the table. She told me to breathe in and out of my nose, this would pass in a minute, but that was a lie…it wasn't going to pass in a minute was it? I still had another four months with two babies growing in me and then I had to push two babies out of my hoo-ha. Oh god! Not only was I going to be responsible for one of TJ's babies I was responsible for two of them and I had enough problems remembering to feed myself.