Personal Experiences (20 page)

My plan to diffuse this whole cluster-fuck was to get Bear in the house and I would speak with TJ about this. I wanted to tell him to go back to school don't come back here and go on with his life….in my own words, on my terms. "Bear-"

I heard TJ cackle; "You're fucking joking right!"

Uh oh, this was not the way I had this planned out. He wasn't supposed to ask questions, I was supposed to be doing all the talking and he was supposed to do exactly as I said and that was the end and we both would go on our own merry way. I couldn't take hearing the sorrow and dejection in his voice anymore. It was killing me so I gently breathed what I could get out of what my mind had taken ten minutes to plan.

"Go home Trevor."

"You married him?" Turning his head back and forth between me and Bear as if watching a tennis match, his hand matching the rhythm of his head. "What the fuck am I missing here because I'm so lost I don't know which way to turn."

Louder Bear demanded; "You heard her TJ, Go home!!"

TJ started walking towards Bear, he drew his eyebrows in and silently reminded Bear of something I'm sure he didn't forget "You…you were my best friend…my brother and you'd do this to me?"

"Dude, you aint the big bad football star anymore, are you?" Holding his hands out the span of his body Bear began a dialogue that had my mouth dropped to the ground. A speech he must've had planned for a very, very long time. Either that or he had some hostile emotions bottled up towards TJ and he was letting them all out at once. "You lost this one, my brutha" he repeated TJ's words in a cynical snarl that brought goose bumps to my skin. "How does it feel to be the fucking loser, Mister my-shit-don't-stink! You just thought you had it all but in the long run, I ended up having everything…YOUR everything! In high school you always had the attitude that you'd never be the one that heartbreak and misery would touch. Well how's that workin out for ya there, buddy…I hope you fucking choke on it!"

I turned to Bear and looked at him…I couldn't say anything, nothing would come out, he saw that I was trying to get words out of my mouth but he looked at me and yelled again at me "Ellie, I told you to get the fuck in the house!"

I couldn't take anymore I broke down. This man that was being broken down and humiliated right in front of me was the man that I fell in love with in second grade, I was pregnant with his child, everything I was doing was because I loved him whole heart and soul. So why did this feel like someone was literally taking a knife and stabbing me in the heart repeatedly? The pain that I was feeling would haunt me the rest of my days, I would never in my life forget the way his face looked right now at this very moment; the look was pure suffering and agony. He looked like a fish out of water, gasping for air that he would never breathe in because Bear and I had sucked every last drop of air from him.

I told myself that I was doing this because I loved him but all I had done was break his heart and that was apparent right here in my front yard. Jesus, this was torture, not only on me but on him. His body language was literally begging me with every part of him and I couldn't say yes because he would fuck up his life.

Why couldn't he understand this! I was beginning to get pissed off. I felt that I was furious at him for not being able to understand I was doing this for his own good, but then when I thought about it, I could only be infuriated at myself because he didn't know that I was pregnant.

He saw the tears streaming down my face for the pain I had caused him and yet he came towards me to wrap me up in his arms and I wanted him to. I wanted to be engulfed in all that was Trevor. His smell, the feel of his skin on my skin the taste of his sweat and tears on my lips. I had resigned myself. I was done with this, we would find a way to work it out; the baby, his schooling. My schedule, we could work it out. I began walking towards him holding my arms out to him when everything happened.

I heard Bear's shouting getting louder and louder by the second that's because he was charging TJ.

"Don't you fucking touch her, Cocksucker!"

Bear tackled TJ. It all happened so fast it was like a blur then a dream when I saw one of Bear's fist hit him square in the jaw. TJ did nothing, didn't bring his hands up to protect himself and didn't throw a punch back, he did nothing.

I'm started screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs. Daddy and Mona came dashing towards me.

"Get her in the house!" Bear, who was now sitting on TJ's chest yelled as he was continually striking TJ in the face.

Wriggling and straining to get out of their grasps I was screaming at them "No! Get your hands off of me! Let me go! I have to help him!"

Daddy was demanding that I hurry inside so he could go get Bear off of TJ.

All I could hear was TJ screaming at Bear as he laid there, beneath Bear taking every punch to the face, bleeding from his mouth, nose and the corner of his right eye.

"Go ahead, finish me off! Fucking kill me, Bear, I aint got nothing to live for now. Come on, do it you Asshole; finish this! You've taken the only thing in life that matters to me, I'm fucking nothing!"

I was screaming, pleading to Bear for him to stop. I finally broke away from Mona and daddy and ran over to where Bear was straddling TJ on the ground and was pounding away on his face. I found strength that I didn't know I had and used it to push Bear off of him.

I fell to the gravel driveway, scraping my knees all to hell and cradled him in my arms as tight as I could, his face was against my shoulder. I cried hysterically while I cradled him. He was breathing but was unconscious. I brought his head up from my shirt to look at him and I wiped his face, trying to get the blood off but as soon as I wiped it there would be more gushing out. I was covered in his blood.

I heard Bear mumbling something about the stupid mother fucker deserved everything he fucking got, then I heard him kick the gravel, he muttered "fuck this!" and left to go into the house.

Daddy and Mona made their way over to me and pleaded for me to let go so that they could get him some help but my grip on him wouldn't falter. I couldn't let go of him. I wiped his face with my hands, blood was dripping all down me I'm not saying anything other than repeating over and over "I can't do this, don't make me do this. I've changed my mind. I can't do this, don't make me do this."

My dad and Mona are attempting to pull me away from TJ but my arms are locked around his neck and he's still unconscious. I'm not letting go of him. As they're pulling I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. "I'm sorry Trevor…I'm so sorry baby. I don't deserve you, you're too good for me. You deserve so much more than me don't come back here, just go home" I can't take my eyes off him. If I let him go I won't have a heart anymore. I won't be able to live. I won't live, I will only be a shell, a hollow nothing.

Finally, they both worked together and unlocked my hands. Mona dragged me in the house while my dad took TJ in his car and drove him to his office to check him out. This is the first time since I had Mona that I've seen her look like she actually cared about something or someone. She helped me walk to the couch as she sat down with my head in her lap.

She sat there brushing the hair out of my face. I was in shock. I wasn't talking, not screaming, all my tears had dried up and I was just staring… Staring at nothing. I was barely breathing and if could have stopped that I would have. I was not a person anymore. I didn't have feelings anymore, they had totally dissipated into nothing. My heart had totally shattered into millions of miniscule pieces that just blew away like dust particles in the wind. There was nothing left. I didn't want to go on. I had nothing left. I didn't care about me, I didn't care about Bear, my parents…this baby…nothing.

"There, there baby; that's it… calm down… momma's gotcha". That was all I heard repeating over and over for hours and then it stopped. I thought maybe that Mona fell asleep because by this time it had to be around ten at night but I could see that my position hadn't changed. I was still looking straight ahead at the television that was showing some infomercial. I wanted to scream but not only could I not open my mouth, nothing would come out.

I must've laid there for hours, I don't even think I blinked. I might've been in a coma or something. I couldn't think of anything, I don't even know what happened; I had blocked it out. All I knew was that I couldn't move anything. I've saw people, my daddy, Mona walk up to me, I couldn't see any further than that because I couldn't move my eyes. I saw them all sideways, daddy came up to me and I saw him snap his fingers in front of my face, completely silent, no snapping sounds or anything. Mouths were moving but no sounds were coming out. I saw Bear reach his hand to my head but I didn't feel it. I went to move my arm just so that I could put it under my head, it wouldn't move. I would've worried if I could have but I couldn't even seem to care. Finally I saw all the room get dark and no one was around me anymore.

I could see the darkness in the house I could see a dim light out of the outer part of my eye like the moonlight was peeking through the window but the darkness was inside. It's still night. As the hours passed I found myself still not moving suddenly… Light from a lamp, I can see it in my peripheral vision.

My daddy's face came into view he was talking to me but I couldn't hear him. I saw him pass his hand over my face; he passed it up…passed it back down, I didn't blink. I saw him snap his fingers first in front of my face, then I saw his hand pass on the left side of me, I assumed he was snapping in my left ear, then his hand passed by to my right side. Still nothing. I saw him grab my wrist to take my pulse. I could see him but yet I couldn't feel his hand on my skin.

I saw him put a glass of juice in front of my face and put the straw to my lips…nothing, I couldn't even lift my head to wrap my lips around the straw. I saw him leave in front of me but I noticed that the light didn't go off. I just continued to lay there.

Lying there, I was blank. I had no thoughts roaming through my head. I didn't feel like I needed to use the bathroom or eat or drink. I could see a bright light coming from the opposite side of the room where the lamp was turned on so that must've meant that it was getting ready to be daytime.

I noticed that Bear's face was close to mine, he had picked me up from the couch. I just stared up into his face. I saw that face and I knew that it had said and did some painful things the night before. I hated him for what he did. He had no right to do that. I saw that he looked at me saying something, I saw his mouth moving and then he lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me, if I could've taken my hand to my mouth and wiped his kiss away I would have but I didn't feel a thing. He looked back at where he was going. He did this several times until I saw him drifting further away from me, he must've been laying me back down.

I could see my room now. Pink walls, silver and rhinestone crowns adorned the walls in front of me on each side of the dresser that the TV was sitting on right in the middle. I saw Mona turn it on and I could see the picture but no sound was coming out of it.

Days began to run into each other, everything just repeating over and over, during the nights daddy would come several times and I would see him carrying in full IV bags and leaving with empty ones. He would do his little snapping and hand moving in front of my face tests, still nothing.

I saw nights and days pass and still my eyes wouldn't shut and yet I didn't feel the need to blink. Maybe I was in a coma, maybe everything that I had been experiencing was really just an illusion. Maybe I was in a bed with my eyes closed but I felt like they had been open all the time.

Then one day out of nowhere it happened. I all the sudden could hear my daddy speaking to Mona. The worry an anxiety in his voice was terrifying to me. He sounded weak and his voice sounded shaky, knowing him he probably hadn't been sleeping or eating. "I don't give a fuck, I'm calling TJ and putting the phone up to her ear maybe his voice will bring her out of this. I have tried everything else I could think of."

Holy shit, I didn't know where I was and why I felt so stiff. It was as if I was wrapped up like a mummy, my body didn't want to move. I heard mumbling again and I saw my dad sit down beside me.

I wanted to tell him I was ok and that I was here but all that would come out was a grunt.

Incredibly fast, I could see my dad's reaction to my noise as he stood up and came to the edge of my bed. "Shit, she's awake, Mona" He acted as if he didn't know what to do first, check my vitals or hug me.

"Elle…Elleny, it's daddy. Can you hear me?"

I wanted to say yes desperately to put him at ease but all that would come out again was another grunt.

Now I was officially getting scared and panic-y why couldn't I say what I wanted to say. I started to get antsy and my dad noticed.

"Honey…Elleny, can you move your head to look at me?" I winced as I slowly moved my stiff neck to look at my dad it took all the energy I had to move it to turn to the side. I had a feeling I was in deep shit. "Honey you've had some…emotional trauma…you haven't moved in almost a week and a half. You're speech will come back baby, just give it time. I know you're scared but you're fine. The baby is fine." I saw him smile and it was a gorgeous smile. I knew he was relaxing "you've had fluids and I've checked the heartbeat of the baby and it's strong, which is really good. You need to just take it easy and everything will be ok."

I slowly and stiffly nodded and closed my eyes. Wow even that was stiff.

I fell asleep.

I was standing in a beautiful meadow. The grass came up to my knees and there were tons of daises growing as far as the eye could see. In the far off distance I could see hills, picturesque rises that had grown almost as tall as mountains. From this far off they seemed as though they were just a normal size hill.

At the bottom of the slope I could see someone walking…but how could they be walking they were getting taller rapidly; the person was getting closer quickly. They were running. I didn't know what to do. I loved where I was it was so delightful. I just wanted to sit down and let the daisies cover my body just let them embrace me. I just didn't want it, I craved it. It was like the serenity I was feeling was coming from the beautiful flowers that were growing all around me. I picked one up and put it to my nose. I could smell the scent of fresh field. The odor surrounded me and embraced me. When I looked down where I had picked that flower another one had already grown back.