Pearl (20 page)

On a day that Roy was at the cattle auction with Darren, Pearl drove to Ben’s unannounced. He wasn’t expecting her, and yet he had been anticipating her days ago. He heard the roar of the Thunderbird and came out to greet her, a surprised smile on his sweet lips.
 

She stepped from the car, instantly feeling the tears form as she stared at the helmet in his hands. She felt her strength drain. However many times she had told herself that she needed to stay in her marriage seemed to disappear at the sight of Ben. But she couldn’t turn back now. She promised Roy: one more chance.

Ben’s face fell at the sight of her. He dropped the helmet and ran to her side, his arms going around her as she began to cry.
 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, wiping the tears from her damp cheeks.

“I can’t come here anymore,” she whimpered, not pulling away from his hold on her. She wanted to feel his strength one last time.

He tilted her head with his fingers. She fought to look into his eyes.

“Look at me,” he demanded.
 

She met his confused gaze.

“Did Roy tell you not to come?” he asked.

She shook her head.
 

“So, I’m to believe you don’t want to be here?”

She shook her head again.

He sighed. “You need to give me some answers, Pearl.”
 

“Of course I want to be here,” she admitted.
 

“Then what’s the problem?”
 

She bit at her lower lip, finding it hard to say the words.

His eyes flashed with anger. “Did he do something to you? Did he threaten you?”

She pushed off him, stepping back to lean against her car. “I’m married, Ben.”

He grunted a laugh. “Is that what we’re calling it these days? Marriage? Last I checked, he thought of you as his property.”

She glared at him. “You know nothing about my marriage.”

He cocked his head at her. “Don’t I?”

She turned to open her car door, her trembling hands stumbling on the handle. Swiftly his fingers were on hers. “Shh,” he coaxed. “Come on, you know what I mean. I’m not the biggest Roy fan this town has seen.”

“He’s trying,” she said defiantly, giving up on leaving. “He wants to change, and I need to give him that chance.”

“How many chances does he need?” he asked in her ear.

“As many as it takes,” she murmured.

He turned her to face him. “Why would you put yourself though this?” He pressed his body up against her, sandwiching her between him and her car. “Last I checked, I didn’t get the impression you were hung up on your husband.”

She squirmed under his hold. “You have no idea what it’s like.”

“What what’s like?”

“To be abandoned,” she snapped. “You can’t have any idea what it’s like to be rejected.”

“Don’t I?”

“I can’t do that to him, Ben.” She sighed. “I know what it’s like to be left feeling unwanted and unloved. I know how it hurts. He’s been through hell. I’ve been through hell. We get each other. I won’t abandon him.”

“Ah, two kids united from the pain and suffering of their childhood,” Ben said sarcastically. “Paints a romantic picture, doesn’t it?”

“You could never understand,” she said, feeling the weight of him as he leaned against her. “You come from a perfect home with a perfect life.”

“So is that what it takes? I need to come from a broken home to deserve your love?”

She glared at him.

He held her stare. “Do you love him?”

 
“I don’t know,” she admitted, softening at his hurt tone. “I loved him once. I need to see if I can love him again.” Her cheeks reddened. “But I can’t do that with you near me.”

 
“Oh, I see, so now I’m the other guy.”

“I’m married,” she repeated.
 

“Keep telling yourself that,” Ben snarled.
 

“You’re not being fair! I cheated, Ben, and I am not a cheater. Can’t you get that?”

His hands turned to fists by her side. “And yet it’s okay for him to sleep with every floozy in town?”

She flinched. “Why are you being so cold?”

“Do you have to ask? Pearl, I know you have feelings for me. I am not going to play stupid, as though all you used me for is to learn to ride. I also know what riding does for you. And even if you take me out of it, I hate the idea that you are not able to do that anymore.” His anger melted. “You’ll suffocate if you don’t ride.”

She didn’t want to confess that he might be right. “You don’t give me enough credit.”

“You’re just like me, that’s how I know. It’s in you now, and you won’t be able to let it go.” He smiled sadly. “I’m not ready to let you go.”

“I was never free to have.” Her voice was filled with remorse.
 

“Maybe not,” he acknowledged. “But for a moment there, I thought it could be possible.”
 

She dropped her head to his chest, resting it there longer than she should before stepping out of his grasp. She opened her door with steady fingers and gave him a sad smile. “Maybe I’ll see you around? Always Sammie and Sam’s wedding.”

He turned his head toward the stable. “Want to say bye to Molly?”

She felt the lump in her throat and shook her head. “No, I can’t.”

He nodded in understanding. She started the car, sitting stiffly in the seat, watching Ben, who was watching her. She closed her eyes and drew a breath, hoping to breathe in his courage, enough to make her remember, and enough to make her move on. She opened her eyes, and he was gone.

CHAPTER 18

Pearl didn’t miss the downpour of April showers as the May sun found its way back to Oregon. The brightening change of weather was not all that was new on the farm. Roy kept his word. He was light again, as easy as a man like Roy could be. But he was the Roy Pearl knew, the one she had once worshipped.
 

The beer cans were missing in the trailer, as was the wrath of what followed the booze. Thirty days was enough for Pearl to begin to breathe calmly again, and to safely speak in a way that didn’t make her tremble in fear of the repercussions.
 

May brought a new steady job for Roy, one in which he was off the farm four days a week. And even though the urge to ride was almost too overwhelming to imagine, Pearl kept her word. If Roy was willing to try, then so could she. She put aside her pleasure to make her marriage work.

 
It was difficult at times to keep her mind occupied, though she did everything she could to stay busy. She baked constantly, trying new recipes to win Roy’s approval. She scrubbed the walls and the floors and dusted corners that she had already cleaned that day. She repainted the interior a cool sky blue to add some light to the trailer. She planted flowers around the driveway, hoping the beauty would make her smile. She dazed off in a hazy fog as she swept the trailer steps and hosed the driveway. She curled up on Roy’s lap as he watched the Mariners play ball. She told him she loved him as he lay her down on the bed at night, though she closed her eyes to envision a warmer set of brown eyes. She held back tears as she helped Sammie pick out a gown, flowers, and a venue for her wedding. She kept her sights out for Ben, but didn’t dare speak his name. She hosted a bridal shower and took on the job of stamping invitations. She did everything she could to keep herself from thinking. She wouldn’t allow her mind to wander to the place she wished she could be.
 

On the farm, she avoided Cindy for fear that her rage at that wicked woman could get her thrown in prison. It was at Vernie’s Pearl felt most like herself, where she didn’t have to put on a show. She could just be. It was the only place, next to the time she had been riding with Ben, that she felt the most whole.
 

“I tell you,” Vernie said as they soaked up the mild sun on Vernie’s cottage porch. “I can’t remember a time I’ve seen my Roy so happy.” She sipped her moonshine and lit a Virginia. She passed her smoke to Pearl, but Pearl refused. The idea of smoking for Roy’s sexual attraction had lost its appeal.

Vernie raised a brow. “Good for you.” She took a deep drag. “I should have quit long ago.”

Pearl helped herself to a glass of whiskey, staring off at the deep fields before her. Vernie studied her wearily. “Roy is in uncanny high spirits, and yet, my Pearl, I watch you slipping, falling deeper and deeper into sadness.”

Pearl nursed her drink, unable to lie to her friend. It didn’t seem to matter; Vernie saw right through to Pearl’s truth.

“What’s keeping you here, Pearl?” Vernie asked sincerely, leaning forward in her chair toward Pearl. “Can’t just be old me and the moonshine.”

Pearl grimaced, knowing all too well it would be hard to leave Vernie. But that wasn’t why she stayed. “I want to be here,” she said. “I want my marriage to work.”
 

“Your marriage is not one to go bragging about. I’d’a run a long time ago,” Vernie said without shame.

 
Pearl cast her dazed expression to the whiskey twirling in her glass. “I guess I’m afraid to go home.”
 

“Afraid? Of your daddy?” Vernie asked in surprise. “I didn’t take him for an angry man. You only talk the best of him.”

“No, it’s not that,” Pearl said, shaking her head at Vernie’s misunderstanding. “I’m not afraid of him. Not physically, anyway.” Pearl collected her thoughts, not sure if she’d ever really considered her reason before. “It’s just that when my mom left, she broke her wedding vows, and I saw what it did to my dad. I’d feel so guilty going home, knowing what I did to Roy. I’m sure my dad wouldn’t understand. He knows what heartbreak I’d be causing.”

Vernie grunted. “I’m sure your father wouldn’t blame you if he had any idea what was going on here.”

Pearl shook her head wildly. “I could never tell him that. He must never know. And see, that’s the difference there. My mom,” Pearl paused. “She left to go make something of herself. At least she had that. She followed her dream. Even if it didn’t include us, I have to respect her for that. But me? What have I done?” Pearl shook her head. “Nothing. I’ve done nothing. I’d be returning a complete failure.”

Vernie grasped Pearl’s hand fiercely, forcing Pearl to meet her eyes. “You’d be returning a survivor.” Pearl’s eyes swelled with tears as Vernie continued, “Now, I love you like you are my own, but, my sweet Pearl, I’d run like hell if I were you, and never once think for a second of turning around.”

If only following Vernie’s advice were that easy. The idea of running was like tasting sweet candy on her lips but never actually taking the bite. It was so very tempting, and yet she just couldn’t muster up the strength to take that first step. Could she leave Roy for good? Could she leave this farm, her sweet Vernie and Sammie? Could she walk away knowing that she would never see Molly, or, even worse, never see Ben again? It seemed unbearable. For that alone, she intended to stay.

And then there was the gun.

She didn’t dare mention the revolver she found under the bed when she was cleaning. She didn’t know why Roy would have such a gun; it wasn’t as though it was for hunting. She had picked it up carefully; she’d never touched a gun before. When the shock subsided she wondered, could she use it? If things went bad again, would she have the courage to turn the gun on Roy? She was afraid of that answer, because in truth it actually made her feel safer knowing where the gun was, that she could reach for it if she needed to.
 

Pearl took another sip of her drink, her ear catching the low tempo of music. “What are we listening to today?”

Vernie’s concerned attention turned to delight. “You’ll never believe it. I went and found my old record player when I was cleaning out the closet. Dusted it off, and it works like new. Been catching up on all my old favorites!” She closed her eyes and hummed. “This James Taylor record takes me back to high school. Now, those were some good days.” She grinned dreamily.

Pearl did her best to smile at Vernie’s happiness. “I’d never know.”

Vernie opened her eyes to the vacant depths of Pearl’s expression. “No, I suppose you wouldn’t. But tell me, Pearl, you must have a place in your heart that takes you back, makes you smile. Maybe when you were a child, maybe when your mama was around?”

“I don’t remember much of my mom,” Pearl admitted. She looked away from Vernie, back out to the fields. “But I do have a place I think about.”
 

Pearl’s words were cut by the sound of Cindy’s Buick blaring up the drive. Seeing Cindy for the first time in a month, since before her last fight with Roy, was enough to set Pearl’s blood boiling. She gritted her teeth as Cindy bounced from the car. Vernie stubbed out her cigarette, huffing all the while about nuisances and evil women.

“Vernie,” Cindy called out. The children’s heated argument in the back seat echoed through the open land. “I gotta run into town. Can you help me with the kids?”

Vernie glared down at her, a look Pearl was surprised to see coming from her gentle friend. “Not today, Cindy. I think it’s time you start looking for help elsewhere.”

Cindy’s mouth dropped open as Vernie turned toward the house, grabbing her bottle of moonshine. “I’m heading inside where it’s not quite so chilly,” she said, enunciating the last word.

Pearl was on Vernie’s heels when Cindy cried out to her. “Pearl, please, I’m in a tough spot. Can you help? It won’t be for long.”

Pearl took a deep breath before spinning around back to Cindy. She crossed her arms as she walked down the front steps, coming nose to nose with the woman who had made her life torture. “You want me to help you, after what you did to me?”

Cindy smiled her flirtatious smile that made Pearl’s stomach turn. “Of course, we’re family, Pearl. You know I’m always here for you if you need me.”

Pearl took another step forward, causing Cindy to stumble back. The kids in the car stopped fighting and looked up through the window. “You’re here to make my life hell by telling lies to Roy.”

Cindy rolled her eyes. “Oh, that’s what you and Vernie are all pissy about?” Cindy stiffened her back. “As I see it, you should be thanking me.”