Pearl (16 page)

He returned with a sturdy mahogany-colored helmet in his hand. “You’ll need this,” he said.

It was perfect for her, but even more than that, it was touching that Ben had thought of her. He placed it in her grip, and she ran her fingers over the smooth arch.

 
She smiled kindly, and held it out for Ben to take. “Thank you, but I can’t accept this.”
 

Ben furrowed his brow. “Of course you can. You can keep it here, of course, if you don’t want Roy to know.”

She hesitated before placing the helmet back in Ben’s hand. She moved away from him, grabbing the beaten-up ragged helmet she had always worn and was comfortable with.

“That one doesn’t even fit you,” Ben grumbled. “It’s a child’s helmet.”

She squeezed her head into it, turning to show him. “See, it fits fine.”

“Pearl, you’re being stubborn. Take the new helmet.”

She didn’t budge.
 

His face fell. “Do you not like it?”

She sighed, turning away from him. “Of course I like it. It’s just that I don’t usually get gifts, besides the Thunderbird, and you...” She caught her breath, feeling Ben’s eyes bearing down on her. “You’ve already done too much, teaching me how to ride, and taking your time. I don’t want you to have to buy me anything on top of it.”

“I don’t
have
to buy you anything,” Ben said. “I
wanted
to buy this for you.” He paused. “So are you saying you don’t get birthday or Christmas or any gifts at all. Even from Roy?”

She shrugged, finally turning to meet his confused gaze. “I don’t need anything. Roy gave me his home and a car. I don’t need him to buy me gifts as well.”

Ben stood straight, crossing his arms over his chest as he thought. “Well,” he finally said, “that’s a shame.”

“I don’t need anyone doing more for me than they already do.” She crossed her arms, matching his pose. “It’s not like I can give you anything in return.”

“Is that what this is about? Eye for an eye? I can’t do for you unless you do for me? Is that how you see things?”

She pressed her lips together, unresponsive.
 

He let out a sigh. “’Cause that’s not how I do things. I don’t need anything in return from you, Pearl. You won’t see me asking for any more than what you can give.”

She caught his eyes and held his stare. She sucked in her breath, counting the seconds until his smile returned. “So wear the helmet and let’s get you out in the pasture.”

He saddled up beside her. It was the first time she’d seen him on a horse. The strength of his legs and curve of his back as he sat tall caught her breath. His long lean legs fit tightly in his jeans, and his fingers stretched out of his red flannel shirt to hold the reins. She moved her gaze to follow Molly’s path. He rode next to her in a calm walk as they reached the sunlight outdoors.

She took a deep breath, letting the crisp air sink into her lungs.

“Let’s bring them to a light gallop,” Ben said.
 

She gave Molly a light tap, and the horse obliged. Before long they were moving at a pace that Pearl was not accustomed to, though, surprisingly, she was unafraid. She put her trust in Molly, and in Ben, knowing wholeheartedly that he wouldn’t put her in harm’s way. This sense of trust was new to Pearl, as was the way it made her feel safe. She tilted her head to the sky as the breeze picked up, nipping at her skin. She let her shoulders relax, her mind malleable in a dreamlike haze. They crossed over the deep field in no time, riding together as they embraced this sanctuary of silence. They headed toward the deep woods, a small creek separating the field from the forest. Ben pointed to his right, gesturing to a bank that connected the creek to the land.
 

“Head over there,” he said. She did as she was told, expecting him to be right behind her. She looked back as she crossed, seeing him rise high above his saddle, his horse jumping across the deepest part of the creek. He galloped up to meet her, a refreshing smile on his face.
 

“Show-off,” she teased.

He laughed. “Just you wait—you’ll be jumping before you know it. You’re a natural at all this, and it will only get better. This summer, we can ride out to the pond on the back side of the forest to go swimming.”

Pearl hid her blushing cheeks from him. His unabashed confidence in her was startling, and yet she couldn’t help but smile at his idealistic plans. She knew every day she spent here with him and Molly could be her last. Roy could find out at any time and put an end to her riding days.
 

“I wish I could do this every day,” Pearl said as they slowed their pace to a walk, trailing the edge of the forest.

“I wish you could, too,” Ben said.
 

Pearl smiled sheepishly at him. “I’m sure you have plenty of girls to ride with you.”

Ben laughed. “You think so, huh?” He shook his head. “Wish that were the case. Life would be a little easier then, wouldn’t it?”

She shrugged, not quite knowing what he meant.
 

“No, I usually like to ride alone. It’s time when I can just focus and think straight, or not think at all.”
 

That she did understand. “I feel like I can just let go when I’m here.”

He tilted his head at her. “I see that.”

She was surprised by his answer. “You do?”

“Sure. When you first pull up and get out of the car, I can see this fog over you…I don’t know…like a sadness, I guess.” He looked to her questioningly. “Is that wrong to say?”

She shook her head, though through his eyes she felt exposed and vulnerable.

 
“And then as soon as you get on the horse, it just disappears.”

Pearl ran her fingers through Molly’s mane. “I had no idea it was that obvious.”

Ben shrugged. “Maybe not to others but it is to me. I love waiting for that moment when I first see you smile as you saddle up. It’s like the fog is lifted and you can just be you.”

Pearl remained silent, watching her hand vanish beneath Molly’s hair. She wondered if she would be different, had she grown up like Ben with horses as a daily escape. Would her sadness consume her as it did now, or would she be light and carefree like Ben? She envied him his untroubled nature, not in a way that it made her angry, just in a way that made her want to devour his radiant energy.

“You’ve got it good here, Ben,” she said. “Is this why you’ve never left?”

“Could be,” he said. “Never really a reason to go anywhere else. I would, but not much tops this.”
 

“If I had this, I wouldn’t have left, either.”

“I think about it, though,” he admitted. “Leaving to go to school, do something other than contracting. My parents urge me to go. They don’t think I’m living up to my full potential. They’re afraid I could end up like Sam, who just floats.” He laughed. “He’s a good guy, just a little off-center.” He tightened his reins, slowing his horse to a stop. Molly followed suit.
 

“Are you ready for some real fun?” he asked.

She laughed at his quirky grin. “I don’t know—I thought we were having fun. What else could you have in mind?”

He turned to face her, their horses bumping noses. “Whatever you do, don’t let go of the reins.” He spun his horse back toward the stable, giving it two taps with his feet, and the horse took off. Molly was quick to follow. Pearl let out a short cry as she flew back in her saddle, her head whipping forward from the speed of Molly’s turn. Before long she had the reins tight in her grasp as she leaned into Molly, balancing her weight between her thighs. The horse’s speed caught fire as it blazed through the open plains, taking on a velocity Pearl never imagined to be possible. She focused her sight in front of her, knowing if she thought too much about what was happening, she would get frightened and tumble right off the horse. So she chose to embrace it. She embraced the power of the animal as it led her through the fields, its wild mane flying in the air. The force of its legs pounded the ground as Pearl held on tight, managing to keep her balance. She had never felt more alive than she did in that moment. For the first time she felt brave. As the wild horse charged toward the stable, Pearl felt in control. All fear was gone, all courage renewed. She closed her eyes and let Molly guide her home.
 

They skidded to a halt near the fence. Ben was first on the ground, pulling his helmet off before reaching a speechless Pearl. He lifted her off Molly, but her feet never touched the ground. She pulled him into her, her arms clasped tight behind his head as she held him with all the gratitude she could muster. She sank her face into his neck and let her tears run down his chest.

She drove home, a dazzling smile painted permanently on her lips. She smoked her Virginia, high off the thrill of the afternoon. She could still feel her heart pound as though she were riding. She knew she had to return. Not much could keep her from the open fields and the overpowering sensation of freedom it brought her. Riding with Molly had strengthened her, but being with Ben had changed her. About that, she didn’t know what to do. It was the only part of the situation she was unsure of. Being with Molly and riding didn’t come without the terror of how Ben made her feel. The emotions were interlinked. Riding made her feel resilient and more self-assured. She had never been more certain of who she was. And that was all due to Ben. Ben’s confidence in her brought out the confidence she felt in herself.
 

She pulled into Jumping Creek, feeling distraught over her reckless feelings for Ben. It was dangerous, this growing affection she felt toward him. She had to find a way to separate her love of riding from her attraction to Ben.
 

It was late in the afternoon. The sun was still high, sharing its glow before dusk set in. She had just enough time to defrost two steaks she was planning for supper before Roy was due home…if he planned to be home at all. She never asked, just went about her evening meal as though he would join her. She turned the last bend to the trailer, hitting the brakes as her breath caught at the sight of Roy’s truck. It was still hours earlier than when he usually returned from working on the Holmes property. She scanned her brain, wondering if she had mixed up the days. She never went riding on the days he worked on the farm.

She cut the roaring engine and closed the door. Slowly she walked to the front steps, opening the trailer door quietly, in the hope that Roy was napping. He sat on the edge of the couch, his long sturdy legs stretched out in front of him. His arms were crossed tightly over his chest as he stared her down with dark glaring eyes.

“Where were you?”

She paused at the door, her mind searching for an answer. For a fleeting moment she wondered whether she should tell the truth, but the risk of Roy forbidding her to ride was more than she was willing to take.
 

“I went to go return my key at Vinny’s,” she lied.
 

He cocked his head, his black hair falling over his brow. She knew if she stood with his stare on her any longer, she would break down and confess. She dropped her purse, as though things were normal, and headed to the kitchen.

“Steak okay for dinner?” she asked.
 

He continued to watch her, his stance unwavering as his eyes followed her every step.

She turned to smile at him. “I bought sweet potatoes to mash. Your favorite.” She unwrapped the steak, placing it in a bowl to thaw. “You’re home early.”
 

Her fingers trembled as the couch creaked when he stood. His footsteps crept closer until his breath was on her ear. She stood stiffly as his hands reached around her, pulling her into his grasp. “Hmm,” he moaned, breathing in her hair. “I left Holmes early today. I missed my wife.”
 

She relaxed into his arms, leaning her head against his chest. She closed her eyes and let her mind drift away from him as he kissed the nape of her neck. She turned her head from the stench of his beer-laden breath.
 

“I need you,” Roy rasped in her ear. “I was so afraid you left me.”

Pearl opened her eyes to the whimper in his voice. “I’m right here, Roy.”

He turned her to face him, his hands desperate as they unbuckled her jeans, pushing them down. She caved to him, giving him the one thing he needed most: her body.
 

He lifted her onto the counter, pushing himself between her thighs. Lifting her shirt above her head, his face fell into her breast as he kissed naked skin. His touch on her was frantic, as though he were grasping at her for support. He wasn’t rough in the usual way he had become when he made love to her. Instead, he was vulnerable as he lifted his mouth to hers, kissing her deeply, saying. “You can’t leave me. Promise you’ll never leave me.”

“I promise, Roy,” she whispered, tightening her legs around his waist as he entered her. He moved inside her, at first slowly and carefully. But Roy could sense her change, could see the way her eyes glazed over when she stared at him with her newfound strength. The look fed him as his pace quickened, his gentle hands turning to steel. He flung his head back, his lips open in a silent cry as his breath sucked all the power from her body to rebuild his own. With each thrust he took from her all she had spent a day accomplishing. She was once again putty in his hands, and he had all control.

When he was finished, Pearl felt so deflated that as she slid off the counter, her knees nearly crumbled, sending her to the floor.
 

Roy wiped the sweat from his forehead, a wide grin on his face, proud of the work he had done. “Don’t worry about dinner, baby. I’m heading out with the guys tonight.”

Pearl looked up to him, trying to catch her breath. “You are?”

“It’s poker night, baby, you know that.” He tossed her her jeans while buttoning his own. “What, you gonna miss me tonight? Already want more?”

She turned her head to hide her revulsion. He leaned down in front of her. “Look, it’ll be late for me tonight. Why don’t you head on up to Vernie’s?”

Pearl’s eyes widened at the mention of her dear friend. “I can? It’s okay?”