Passion and Pain (Dancers and Divas) (24 page)

“I’m used to seeing you all the time.”

“I know, but that was summer.”

Elena nodded. He was going to be working. It’s not like he was choosing his friends over her.

“Besides, I’ll still see you after school. It will be fine.” He lifted her chin so that she was looking at him and kissed her slowly.  “See you later, OK?”

Elena sighed and nodded. As if she could refuse him anything.

Later during the day, she headed down to her usual lunch spot, looking forward to seeing her friends again.

“Hey
Roni
,” Elen
a called out. “Where’s Seb
?”

Veronika pointed to Sebastien sitting up on the nearby table surrounded by a group of girls admiring and flirting with him.

“Oh I am sure he
is loving
that,
all right
.”

“And how is your man?”

“He waited for me at the school gate this morning to walk me in and we’ll hang out a bit after show choir rehearsals tonight. It’s going to be interesting to see how we fit everything in. I miss him already.”

Veronika rolled her eyes. “You’re scaring me.”

“I can’t help it. I can’t get enough of him!”

“Hmmm.
What about Letitia? How did her highness deal with the news?”

“Apparently not too well.
You know, I’ve heard of evil stepsisters, but evil sister?” Elena shook her head.

“OK, let me give you some news.” Veronika shifted in her seat and leaned in closer. “You know that play that Sebastien and I worked on that Frankie ruined for us?” Elena nodded. “Well, it’s now officially part of this year’s showcase
-
full casting auditions and everything!”

“That’s fantastic! No more divas to stop it being performed.”
Karma.
“I’m definitely in and I’m sure Sebastien will be too.” Veronika could finally have the success she deserved.

“Don’t talk to me about summer love or anything happy,” Anya said as she slumped into the chair near them and slammed her bag onto the table. “The world sucks and my life is over.”  With that she crossed her arms onto the table and hid her head between them.

Veronika and Elena looked at each other. Anya was not usually one for dramatics.

“So, are you going tell us what’s wrong or do we
have
to play charades to wo
rk it out?” Veronika said
,
jabbing
Anya in the arm.

Anya exhaled sharply. “I went to the School of American Ballet summer program right?” Elena and Veronika nodded. “I was on the track to becoming a world class ballerina. They tell me that every year. This year, you know what they told me?” she said as she looked at them incredulously
.
Veronika and Elena shook their heads on cue.

“I have no passion. No emotion in my dance. They said I could never be a dancer until I found my emotion.”

“
You
found plenty of emotion today,” Veronika murmured.

“I hate emotions,” she said, banging her fist on the table. “I spent my whole life making sure I never showed emotion. And now, now I have to find it. It’s over. I can’t do it.”

“Maybe if you think of it as finding emotion in the dance rather than personal emotion, you might feel better,” Elena said.

“Yeah, like you’re doing now,” Veronika added, eliciting a pinch from Elena.

“But, put it into the dance rather than out into the world,” Elena said.

“And it gets worse!” Anya said, ignoring them both. Elena and Veronika sat back.

“They told me I don’t trust my partners and
that
I will never be able to do anything unless I can work with different partners.”

“That’s not so bad
,
” Elena said.

“No, they’re right. I don’t trust my partners. I think they’re all idiots and they’re going to drop me. But if I become a ballet dancer, I need to be able to work with partners
-
it’s inevitable. What am I going to do?” She sank her head back down into her arms.

“Come on
,
Anya, I’m sure we can work something out. Everyone has something they need to work on,” Elena said, rubbing her arm.

Anya popped her head up. “They told me not to apply for the summer program again unless I could show them that I had learnt to do these two things.” She threw her head back down.

This was serious. Elena had simply thought Anya was being a bit melodramatic, but being kicked out of the summer program was huge! They all sat in silence for a few minutes, Elena playing with her food. Ballet wasn’t her thing
,
so she didn’t really know how she could help. She looked across the schoolyard and noticed a couple of dancers.
Th
at
gave her an idea.

“Actually Anya, I know someone who could help you. He’s patient, talented and passionate. Yes! He
’
ll be perfect.”

“But I know all the male ballet dancers here
,
and none are inspiring or trustworthy,” Anya whined.

“This is where you may need to be a bit more open to ideas,” Elena said. “He’s not a ballet dancer.”

Anya raised her lip on one side, confused.  Veronika gave Elena her full attention.

“Trust me. Let me have a chat to him and set up a time?”

Anya started to protest but Elena stopped her.

“Give it a chance, OK?”

“Fine,” Anya sighed. “I guess I have nothing to lose.”

Thirty

It was time for show choir. Elena was more confident than ever as she entered the rehearsal room. She was not crippled by Frankie’s betrayal or Letitia’s taunts, especially now that she was dating Jay. Jay was no longer the accompanist as he had to get back to classes and his own project work, but Veronika was still rocking on the drums.

Letitia walked into the rehearsal room with her usual air of importance. Frankie followed dutifully behind, looking a lot thinner and paler since Elena last saw her. They both glared at Elena. She smirked back, determined to stand her ground.

They sat near the front, as all the soloists did, and crossed their legs. Elena fidgeted with the hem of her top, anxious about the class despite her initial bravado.

Their director, Ms Lazowski
,
started with an announcement. “So, things are going to be a little different this year. As much as we all appreciate Letitia’s undeniable talent, we will be having four different soloists for our competition piece this year.” It seemed that Elena wasn’t the only one who had gained some more confidence.

Letitia partially rose from her seat, about to protest loudly, but Ms Lazowski lightly touched her shoulder. “Letitia will of course be representing us in the soloist division of the state singing competition, so she will still be honoring our school incredibly well.”

Letitia sat back down, mildly placated but still sulking. Veronika rolled her eyes at Elena. Things could be better than she had predicted.

“So, who would like to audition for a lead?” Ms. Lazowski asked. Letitia and Frankie put their hands up naturally as did a few other students. What the hell! Elena also raised her hand.

“Martinez, you can’t sing, why are you auditioning?” Letitia said loudly.

“Letitia!”
Ms. Lazowski said. “That’s for me to decide, not you.” Letitia scowled but still
had
managed to unsettle Elena.

“I’ve had a great teacher, Letitia,” Elena whispered.

Elena grinned as Letitia
shifted uncomfortably
in her seat.

They each took their turn to sing.
As always, Elena couldn’t help but be impressed by the talent in the room.
She was glad someone besides Letitia would be able to shine. Maybe even her. She was the last one to audition. 

As she approached the front of the room, Letitia hissed, “I’m onto you, Martinez. I won’t let you hurt my brother just to get back at me.”

Elena arched her eyebrows arrogantly. She needed to be confident
,
and dating Jay was just the booster she needed.

Elena turned to face the students. As they looked at her expectantly, Elena felt her confidence slipping. The butterflies in her stomach started fluttering. She had to fight it. She had worked too hard on this and she didn’t want to disappoint Jay either. But the more she thought about
it
, the worse her anxiety grew. She didn’t want to have these people judging her. Stop it! She had to think positively. She closed her eyes and remembered what Jay had told her. “Honey, you know it’s just confidence. Pretend it’s me and you at the piano.”

She nodded to the pianist to begin and took a deep breath, hoping the tension in her stomach would disappear. Her first notes were wobbly. Frankie immediately sat back, grinning maliciously. Her hate was like a knife in the chest.

“Can we start again please?” she said quietly. There was voice there, so that was good. Letitia sighed loudly
,
making some of the other students giggle. Elena felt the tension increase but was determined to overcome it. It was just her and Jay, she kept saying to herself.

This time, she closed her eyes to avoid the stares and pictured her and Jay at the piano. As the music began, Elena sang with confidence. She started to relax as she heard the sounds coming from her mouth. She was going to do this! But then, she heard a loud groan from Letitia
,
which brought her out of her dream state and back into the room of dozens of unfriendly stares and judgment.  She was still in tune but her concentration was lost and all the fears and insecurities came flooding back. There was a tremor in her voice as she approached the climax of the song. Oh God
, she couldn’t
do this.

She could feel her body reacting to the panic, her limbs shaking and her stomach churning. Her mind tried to reason with her body but as she reached the belting part of the song, her body betrayed her. She was hardly able to get air out, let alone support herself
,
so her big finale sounded more like a squeal than a powerful belt.  She had to stop. There was silence in the room. Letitia was smiling and placing her finger in her mouth as if she was gagging. Some of the students applauded lightly while most shuffled in their seats with their heads down. Elena was mortified.

“Thank you Elena,” Ms. Lazowksi said. “You can sit down now.”

Don’t cry. Don’t you dare
cry.
She hung her head low. Here she was, all cocky, bragging about how great she was going to be and then totally screwed it up.  The world starting spinning and she was sure she was going to throw up. She ran out of the room and leaned against the
nearest
wall
to steady herself.

She could Frankie laughing. “She’s probably pregnant.” The choir joined in her laughter. Laughing at her!

“Now, now Frankie.
She’s just a little nervous,” Ms. Lazowski said. “We are here to support each other. We’ve all had bad days.”

“That wasn’t a bad
day, that
was vocal suicide!” Letitia said, as the choir chuckled.

That was it. She ran straight to the bathroom and vomited every insecurity, misery and humiliation she felt.

Veronika
came in quickly afterward,
rubb
ing
her back as she threw up bile for a good half an hour.

“
I can’t show my face again
. I am so humiliated,” she said and sobbed into Veronika’s chest. “Letitia won again. She humiliated me in front of the entire choir. Why didn’t I listen to Seb? He said I wasn’t ready but Jay believed in me, so I did it anyway.”

“It’s going to be OK,” Veronika said. She continued to rub her back and hold her.

“I didn’t face my enemies, I gave them ammunition! And I worked so hard, that’s the worst of it. I practiced every single day. And I can do it. Jay knows it and I know it. Why? Why does singing in front of people affect me so much?
”

“I don’t know Elena. If I knew answers to these mysteries, I would write a book and make millions.”

“I’m so sorry. I feel so stupid.”

“It’s okay
. Failure and humiliation hurts for everyone, no matter how or why it happens. Having Letitia and Frankie there just made it worse.”

Veronika held her tight as Elena cried every tear left in her.

As Elena settled down and they got up to leave the bathroom, Letitia and Frankie were waiting for them outside.

“Oh Elena, you poor thing,” Letitia said. “I guess Jay couldn’t really help you after all. It’s strange because he is such an amazing singer and teacher. I guess some people are beyond help!
Couldn’t use him to get back at me after all.”