OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (6 page)

But I just replied:

Hopefully from that Goose will realize something is wrong.

Goose said:

I don't think he does realize something is wrong.

Perhaps I'm rubbish at giving out signals too.

Keith got up and apparently didn't wash or have a shower. He said that “water is as precious as diamonds” and “too much washing can damage your pheromones”. He explained that “pheromones help you invisibly communicate with others and attract a mate”. Gran said, “You need to wash them off for a start! All the trouble they've caused! You're a man not a skunk.”

Keith didn't say anything to that but Gran said he “laughed like a madman”. I think he quite likes her in a way. Perhaps “like” is the wrong word. Something. I don't know.

Gran has bought Keith 3 bottles of deodorant for Boxing Day. This is her not at all subtly telling him he stinks!

Keith doesn't like aerosols. Gran snapped, “I'll get you some roll-ons then.” He doesn't like those either. Glad I don't have to waste my money at Boots on a present – LOL!

Gran keeps spraying Keith with a combination of Febreze and air freshener behind his back. She's trying to do it secretly but he keeps asking her what she's doing. When she says, “Cleansing the air!” he tells her she's ruining the ozone layer. Gran says environmental damage to something she doesn't actually believe in is a small price to pay not to have her nose assaulted every time he walks by.

Who IS this man? He isn't the “Carlo” everyone talked about! He is even more of a stranger than the stranger he is. He doesn't seem like someone who would leave his kids. He thinks about everything. He washes jars out before recycling them. No one actually does that!

Hang on, Gran – how can you not believe in the ozone layer?

Gran says she's never seen it – it might as well be the tooth fairy.

The whole house now smells of Vanilla and Jasmine Glade Plug-in. It's making Rob sneeze. Gran thinks Rob needs to toughen up. She said, “Nuts?! Air fresheners?! You'll be allergic to water next.”

Keith thinks that British tap water IS poisoned. It's the fluoride apparently (that's in toothpaste – how can it be bad?!). Keith hopes that one day the environment will be so clean we will be able to drink from streams without worry. Gran said, “You can do that now if you'd like your water served with oil slicks and empty energy-drink cans.”

That was the sort of conversation we had till Mum said she had a migraine and we had to go. It was a migraine she treated with 2 glasses of Pinot Noir when we got home and she had a miraculous recovery. I honestly don't blame her. Keith is…

Keith is a bit DULL. How can I have a dull dad?! I was expecting this guy who would be a bit wild and perhaps even let me have a glass of wine in a pub. With these genes will I grow up dull and end up growing my own tomatoes? What's the point? You can get them TODAY at Asda!

Perhaps there's been a mistake! Perhaps Rob IS my REAL dad and I'm sort of an albino! There's a really cool albino in Year 11 called Charlie Swain. His parents are actually black! Perhaps I do need a DNA test!

Just googled albino. I'd have red eyes and be really pale.

I'm not Rob's. I belong to Keith.

Perhaps I should make more of an effort. I should talk about things that Keith likes. I might look up British wildlife and see if I can learn something and start a conversation about that.

OMG – if female ferrets don't have sex they die! Better stick to stoats.

Stoats are boring.

Keith has decided he is going to come round every day till he goes back. This shows he wants to make an effort.

I want to talk to Goose about this. Have to KILL my lust and just concentrate on BEING FRIENDS. I'm too tired now though. I've spent the last hour in virtual forests, looking at virtual wildlife. I might go round tomorrow.

Just had a dream that I invited a giant robin into my house. It seemed really friendly at first and then it tried to peck me to death!

I don't need to ask Jen what that dream REALLY means. I know.

It means birds are actually evil.

Or it might be something to do with Keith anxiety.

I was just about to go next door when I saw Jen walk up to Goose's front door. I bet she's come to see his gecko. She is a total reptile expert and a “great fan of the cold-blooded mind”. Apparently reptiles give you a “unique affection”. Just thinking about Goose and her laughing and chatting makes me so jealous I might explode.

I have definitely matured. I know when I'm jealous these days almost immediately and can totally admit it.

I need something to love. I might get a python. Something that could eat both of their stupid pets in one go!

Perhaps I have not matured. Jen and Goose are both totally lovely and yet I'm currently enjoying the thought of “Devil” – my imaginary snake – gulping them ALL down as a brilliant snack.

Keith spent all day negotiating with MGK's mum. MGK doesn't want to see him – especially now she has found out he is not loaded and lives in a massive shed.

Keith spent ages staring into space tonight and then said to me, “I'm not doing very well Hattie, am I? You're the only one speaking to me. Nathan has told me exactly what he thinks of me and Ruby won't even meet me. Can you help?”

I explained to him that Nathan had been torturing me since I was a baby and that MGK hated me because I was not cool at school and did not wear Versace on a regular basis.

Keith said, “I can tell you now, Nathan loves you. And Ruby – well – indifference is the opposite of love. Ever thought Ruby might be jealous of you in some way? And that's why she's nasty?”

Dear Keith – seriously you are talking TOTAL crap now. I just laughed at this. I said, “Trust me – she is not jealous. She thinks I'm Dork Central.”

Keith said, “Sorry to hear that. School is cruel.”

OMG! At least Keith GETS THAT!

BUT WHY IS my actual real dad more interested in MGK than me? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Gran told me it's like that with all men: “Treat them mean – keep them keen.” Apparently, I've got to be less nice (?), ask less questions and demand less time.

Gran also told me she looked in the mirror and Santa's vajazzle hat is still on her buttock. She thinks the glue marks will fade. So MGK is Number 1 in my dad's eyes but my gran's arse decoration is gradually improving.

Hurrah. That's great news.

Perhaps I AM a bit too sarcastic sometimes like Weirdo Jen says.

I'm going sales shopping tomorrow with Mum and Gran. It might be hell but at least it isn't Keith and MGK worry.

Keith and MGK would NEVER get on. He has spent most of the day lecturing us on our sales shopping. Do I really need another top? Does Mum really need another saucepan? Does Gran really need a plush bulldog wearing a Union Jack that plays “God Save the Queen”? Do we realize about landfill and how mass production is polluting our world?! YES, KEITH!

ALL I DID WAS BUY A NICE TOP!

Keith! Here's a tip! Stop saving the world and save me!

I have to make an effort. I have to make this work. This is OFFICIALLY my mission – GET A REALLY DECENT RELATIONSHIP WITH KEITH – MY ACTUAL DAD – BEFORE HE LEAVES! There are totally lovely bits to him.