OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (7 page)

Keith took me out today! It took ages to find a cafe that he “approved” of (fair-trade coffee, vegan food – those are just the requirements I remember!). This took about 2 and a half hours. He then started reminiscing about drawing his name in concrete in an old toilet block and insisted on going to see it. It was still there. His nickname, “Carlo”, in big letters. Keith looked really happy and said, “That's history there.” I didn't have the heart to tell him it's just a bit of graffiti and very unlikely to end up a tourist attraction. Oh, and carrot, hummus and gherkin filling on gluten-free bread is CAPTAIN VILE! He's OK but I have to really try to keep the conversation going. When we get to silence it's really uncomfortable. We are just not … how I thought we would be. I have a funny dad, then a dull dad, THEN a dad that gets some things and is TOTALLY clueless on others.

When I got home Mum said, “How did it go?” I shouted at her, “I don't want to talk about it – and have you got any ham?”

The truth is, I don't want to talk to anyone. I thought knowing Keith would give me a parent that GOT me! Instead it's got me totally confused, loads of time away from my friends and probably malnutrition from rubbish sandwiches.

My Keith mission may be a
Mission Impossible
film without Tom Cruise to save it.

OMG – Nathan just came into my room and asked me how it went?! When I told him he said, “Keith sounds like most of us, Hattie. A little bit good. A little bit rubbish.”

This is a BREAKTHROUGH for Nathan, who previously was describing Keith as that “Total b****** that ******* left my ****** mum and me and didn't give a s***”.

Perhaps THEY will end up as friends and it will be just me that is TOTALLY messed up by the thing I MOST WANTED. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!

Mum and me had a MAJOR conversation this morning:

I don't know whether to agree with her or argue with her so I've gone on the Internet to look at videos of people falling off things

Gran has just rung me. Princess and her have overstretched themselves doing winter sports and are sitting on the sofa with hot-water bottles and menthol muscle rub. The muscle rub is not for dogs but Princess loves it. According to Gran she's been licking her own leg for over an hour.

The only things that are having a good time this Christmas are dogs and reptiles.

I've just read the greeny blog that Keith writes. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE!

1.   
You're
finding it tough, Keith?! Spare a thought for the rest of us. Sometimes it's like living with a massive TUT machine that disapproves of everything WE do.

2.   Nail varnish isn't more important than pollution but I have no control over Chinese smog. I can, however, take control by painting my hands a positive shade of “Tangerine Daiquiri”.

3.   “My daughter is lovely.” Thanks for that. DAUGHTER?! You've got 2, Keith. He'd better mean ME.

4.   “Peace out”?!
What does THAT mean?!

5.   OMG, my dad cuddles koalas! How do they feel about that? I bet they just want trees and other bears. Or a nice It bag to stash their eucalyptus leaves in – LOL! I know koalas aren't really into Prada. I'm just feeling annoyed.

6.   The last bit makes me … want to cry. He DOES feel all these things. He is SORRY and he does think I'm lovely – WHY DOESN'T HE SAY IT TO MY ACTUAL FACE?!

7.   I want to tell him it's not too late to make everything better – but perhaps it is. I don't know.

Just rang Gran to tell her to read the blog on her iPad.

Gran has just worked out how to read the blog on her iPad.

She sounded a bit choked up when she said, “Hattie – look at the bit at the end. Take it in. Don't miss things like you normally do.”

YES, GRAN – I HAVE SEEN IT … AND WHAT ELSE AM I MISSING PLEASE?!

THINGS I KNOW:

1.   Keith is sorry. I thought that would make me feel good but it just makes me … sad. Then angry. But mainly sad.

2.   Mum, Gran and Rob LOVE me.

3.   Dimple and Jen are my best friends.

4.   Nathan probably loves me but still wants to cause me emotional and low-scale social humiliation.

5.   Goose loves me but does not want to snog me. When you want to snog a girl you snog her. Not invite her round to a gecko-naming ceremony with others. He loves me LIKE A FRIEND. I need a boy that loves me LIKE A GIRLFRIEND.

6.   Goose makes me sad, angry, happy, tingly, a bit mental – but mainly totally like my head has been put in a blender.

I hope New Year is better than last year when we were all in bed by 11 p.m. Gran is not going to her over-60s' '80s theme party. It got too messy last year. She wants a “quiet one”.

Keith is coming to our house for New Year but he's a bit (HERE IT COMES) funny about helium balloons as apparently they are leading to a shortage of helium in the medical world. He asked Gran how she would feel if she couldn't have keyhole surgery because somebody wanted a more colourful party. Gran said, “I wouldn't mind! A big scar wouldn't bother me. I haven't worn a bikini since 1979!” Keith just stared at her and said, “Are you sure about that, Violet? I've heard all sorts goes on when you have your OAP day trips to Hunstanton.” Then he winked at me. Gran has met her match! LOL!

Gran has suddenly decided to go to the '80s New Year party night at her over-60s' club. “I haven't got as much time as you left on this Earth, Hattie,” she said. The party's fancy dress – with an '80s theme. She's borrowed some of Mum's old net curtains and is going as Madonna in her
Like a Virgin
bride stage.

Just googled Madonna in 1984. PLEASE, Gran, DON'T WEAR a “Boy Toy” belt.

Gran has just made herself a “Boy Toy” belt out of a cornflakes box and one of my old glittery Primark belts because she says she has to look authentic.

I'M SORRY. I'M SO OVER FAMILIES.

Goodnight, this year.

Text from Goose:

“For ever”? Only in a platonic way though.

Goooooseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I'm sure I can hear Keith sucking helium out of a balloon and pretending to be a Smurf!

CAN PEOPLE PLEASE MAKE THEIR MINDS UP ABOUT WHAT THEY ACTUALLY ARE AND WHAT THEY ACTUALLY FEEL?!

HATTIE MOORE'S OFFICIAL LIST OF WHAT THIS NEW YEAR IS REALLY ABOUT:

Finding REAL FULL-ON love
.

Last year I spent too much time LOOKING FOR MY DAD (a year of trouble that has just led to mass confusion and the weirdest time of my ENTIRE life!) AND I spent too much time on what Weirdo Jen calls fleeting relationships – AKA hot snogging.

1.   
THIS year is about FULL-ON LONG-TERM LOVE
. It's about finding someone that LOVES Hattie Moore. ME. I am not a Pash Goddess BUT I can do hotness. I have done erotic water-park snogging. I have now been someone's girlfriend. I need to establish myself as a REAL WOMAN and embrace the fact I have a maturer, bigger emotional brain.