OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (3 page)

I have had NOTHING from Goose today. He is obviously too busy with his gecko to think about my life changing for ever. Talked to Dimple earlier about it. She said perhaps I was too “dismissive”. When I asked her WHAT THE HELL THAT MEANT she said, “Perhaps Goose was trying to get you involved in something he really cares about. It sounds like you were a bit … mean, Hattie!”

ME MEAN?! It's OBVIOUS I LIKE HIM! What more do I have to do? Be happy about THE MOST GEEK THING IN THE WORLD?!

I don't know why I ask Dimple about men – it's not like she's had loads of boyfriends.

That DID sound mean. Dimple is lovely.

The truth is, I am officially jealous of a gecko. This is a not good situation. I don't want to be evil. I want Keith to like me – not to think I'm this horrible spoilt thing that doesn't like people or creatures. He's already got that with MGK! LOL!

All this and Christmas shopping looming…

Christmas shopping on a
low
NO budget was difficult but I think I've got it sorted. I've got Gran a pair of nail clippers (that's all the technology she can handle, apart from her Nintendo DS), a tartan weatherproof mini coat for Princess, some Britney Spears perfume for Mum (it was MASSIVELY reduced), some furry dice for Rob's car (Weirdo Jen says it's an ironic take on the boy racer culture and he'll appreciate it?) and NOTHING for my brother. It's tradition!

I went to see Gran this afternoon. She called me into the bathroom. She'd been to the Christmas dinner at her pensioners' club and “got a bit too much in the festive spirit”. She'd only put diamante vajazzles of Father Christmas's face on her bum AND used superglue! She kept shouting, “I can't get it off, Hattie!” I was telling her to go to hospital but Gran thought she couldn't because Rob went yesterday! She didn't want the doctors and nurses thinking we were “a family of nutters”. We ARE a family of nutters! Why deny it?! Then Gran said, “I'll end up on the Internet or on
24 Hours in A&E
– even if they blur my face people will know my voice and my bum!”

How will people know Gran's bum?!

Gran just rang my mob. The Father Christmas beard has partly come off. Gran is wearing rough cotton pants as punishment.

Does she even realize what vajazzles are and where they SHOULD go? I'm not telling her!

Vajazzles. Geckos. Nut allergies. What on Earth is Keith coming into?! I'm confused about everything. Mum is angry with me and Gran is FURIOUS – partly at her itchy body art but mainly at Keith. Rob's not said a lot but I know he's worried. He's spending a lot of time in his shed. I want to tell him he'll always be THE BEST SORT OF NOT REAL DAD EVER … but that sounds craptacular.

I can tell you what Keith is coming into – he's definitely coming into the most uncomfortable accommodation in history. I saw it earlier. It's totally obvious that Gran really, REALLY hates Keith. The bed in the spare room has disappeared. She said the mattress had lost too many of its springs. She's put the ancient fold-out camp thing out with the itchy blanket. Gran's got a deluxe queen-size airbed! When I asked her where it was she snapped, “It's got a puncture – Princess thought it was a cat.” Beds do not look like cats. I think she told Princess to attack it. I'm not arguing though. I'm NEVER going to argue with an OAP who's had a vajazzle disaster.

OFFICIAL SERIOUS AND MAX AWFUL CONVERSATION WITH MY BROTHER.

I asked Nathan how he felt about Keith. It's because he keeps acting like nothing is happening and IT IS: OUR BIOLOGICAL ACTUAL REAL DAD is turning up TOMORROW. So I said, “Nath – how do you feel about it all?” And he said, “Hattie, I don't know how I feel. I just wish that things were the way they used to be. They were fine. Rob's the best dad ever. Who cares about anything else?” I said, “But don't you want to know THE TRUTH? Like where we come from and who he is and why he's never bothered?” Nathan just shrugged and grunted. Then he said, “And think what it's like for Mum – she has to have all those bad memories back in her life again. AT CHRISTMAS. But you know what, Hattie? I'm over it.”

SO IT'S ALL HATTIE'S FAULT AGAIN! FANTASTIC! All I wanted was what I actually deserve!

I don't get it. Why is THAT so bad and why isn't Nathan even a tiny bit interested? HOW can he be all cool about it when I'm having a massive emotional earthquake that's causing major structural damage?!

That last bit made no sense but I know what I mean. I'm in a mess.

And now I feel like I'm letting Mum down and, even though I hate him, I'm letting Nathan down too. I actually don't want to do that. I REALLY, REALLY don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to meet Keith.

Just rang Dimple about Nathan. She said men are often “resistant to change”. When her mum swapped her dad's shower gel he went really moody for about a week until he admitted that “a lack of lather” was making him grumpy. Dimple's mum put washing-up liquid in the bottle to teach him a lesson but he LOVED it. He doesn't know but he's been using it ever since! Dimple thinks men just see what they want to see. “If there's lots of foam, Hattie, then they're fine. Even if they smell lemony fresh and have skin like a dinner plate.”

Can you compare a family crisis to a bottle of Fairy liquid?

Just asked Mum what I should call Keith. I don't want to call him “Dad” but “Keith” seems weird too. Mum said, “Call him what you like, Hattie! Up to you!” I told her I was thinking of a mixture of Keith and Dad – something like “Kad”. She started laughing in a weird way and said, “Yeah – that suits!”

I don't get it.

Texted Weirdo Jen. She says “cad” is an old word for a bloke who is a lying scumbag. Jen thinks my mum “really needs to get over her bitterness or she will end up with stomach ulcers”. She is going to bring a Native American dreamcatcher round to help ease her subconscious negative feelings.

I don't think a big wind chime can really solve this problem but it's a nice thought.

Just told Mum about Jen. She says she needs a dreamcatcher the size of Wales for all her bitterness. Then she told me to “get some sleep as it's a big day tomorrow”.

It IS a big day. It's bigger than big. It's mahoosive. There needs to be a new word.

Lord Megamahoosive of Enormoushire.

I'm quite proud of that.

I always make up craptacular things when I'm nervous and can't sleep.

I think I can hear Goose talking to his gecko. He should be comforting me, not chatting to him!

I thought Goose REALLY liked me. If I can get THAT wrong, what else can I get wrong? What else have I GOT wrong? Have I actually just created the biggest disaster ever?

I wish humans hatched from eggs. It would save a lot of trouble.