OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (10 page)

Keith didn't say anything for ages and then said, “You're right, Violet… You're totally right.”

Gran snapped, “Yes, I am. And stop calling me Violet.”

Good luck with that one, Keith!

OMG – I just found out that Weirdo Jen joined Keith on the protest. I have told her I don't want her hanging out with him. I have already asked Dimple to tell Jen how hard it was for me that JEN seemed to click with him more. Jen looked a bit embarrassed and said it was just really hard to find people around Derby that cared about the fate of penguins AND believed in ancient Mayan prophecies (???).

Did the ancient Mayans predict my dad could be a bit of a tit?!

Got up this morning to find a note from my brother pinned to the kitchen wall:

Only my brother could cause havoc with a sausage!

KEITH HAS JUST SPENT 20 MINUTES SURGICALLY REMOVING THE SAUSAGE!

He said it was a “complicated job” but “quite easy” for a plumber. Keith said, “When you've removed an entire man's shirt from a bathroom system, Hattie, a sausage is a piece of cake.”

Nathan just grunted something, made himself a full fry-up and took it to his bedroom.

OMG! RUDE! I know Keith deserted us but if he gets the oven to actually work again he AT LEAST deserves a “TA, MATE”. I realize that would mean Nathan using a sentence of more than 1 word but COME ON!

Nathan and me have just had the following
discussion
FULL-ON argument:

You can't argue with him. Keith overheard and said, “Thank you for trying, Hattie – that's really kind.”

The weird thing is, I would LOVE Keith and Nathan to get on, but the thought of him getting on with MGK is just … WRONG. But then, how could he? She is EVERYTHING that he should NOT like.

Keith came back after 2 and a half hours this afternoon and announced he'd been on a “nature walk” with MGK. Apparently she loves deer. MGK loves deer?! Since when?!

I want massive antlers so I can BUTT MGK in her perfect bum.

In English today Dr Richards told us we had to write about a TV show that we hate. Dimple wrote about
EastEnders
as there is too much sex in it – apparently watching it with her parents is like “slowly dying of embarrassment”. Her dad starts coughing and her mum has a sudden need to descale the kettle. Weirdo Jen said she hated most TV as it stopped her “experiencing the actual fabric of reality and feeling nature” – though she did like things with David Attenborough (Jen, are you 80?).

I said I hated the
Green Balloon Club
as children should be kept from arguments about the environment – it's totally boring and not all about being nice to badgers.

Keith has made me cross about badgers a bit. It's not their fault. I don't want them culled. I just want them to, in their stripy way, STOP MGK and Keith clicking!

Shouldn't I feel closer to Keith by now? Shouldn't there be something DEEP and biological that just kicks in? Sometimes I just feel annoyed by him – he “embraces” the sun every morning. Jen does that and I LOVE her. Why don't I love Keith COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY like Mum and Rob?!

I love Rob more than my REAL dad. That's not right, is it?

MAHOOSIVE downer.

Me and Jen have totally fallen out.

I'm gutted.

Jen said that ever since my dad arrived I've changed. Apparently I've been “deliberately argumentative” (she always uses too-long words) about “things that really matter now”!

I said, “Jen, I would actually put an ENTIRE whale in a sandwich RIGHT NOW. I am so sick of everything being GREEN.” Jen said that was the most stupid thing she had EVER heard and it showed how little I knew because you would never find bread big enough to fit a whale in. Even a wafer-thin slice! Then she stormed off.

Jen's aura is not golden – it is very red and unreasonable and she puts sea mammals before her friends.

This is partly Keith's fault – I was sympathetic to Jen's weirdoness before HE happened.

I hate falling out with Jen – she's like my mad weird sister. More than MGK will EVER be. I was an idiot.

Weirdo Jen and me gave each other a hug and we both said sorry. She said she just wanted me to be “open-minded”. I promised I'd never eat an endangered-animal sandwich even if I found a roll big enough. I also told her I loved her and I'm open to her. I'm just closed to Keith. The truth is, he's hurt me. I thought he would LOVE me and be my friend. He's just a friend of the Earth. There's no room for the actual people who live on it in Keith's brain.

The terrible truth is I think Keith would love me more and GET me more if I was a squid.

It's the middle of January and
I am nowhere near finding love
. Inside my heart I thought me and Goose would be planning holidays by now.

Just remembered! Something happened today that confirmed my belief that men never grow up. The boys all started playing “Spot the Penis” in a
Chemistry for You
textbook during break. Basically Nicky “bad boy” Bainton had drawn tiny men's bits in the illustrations and photos and the other boys had to find them. There was one in the photo of the man at the petrol station, one in the illustration of an atom and 2 in the periodic table. This was apparently HILARIOUS.

I'm definitely becoming a feminist – but a feminist with a love agenda.

Dimple and Weirdo Jen agree feminism is the way to go. As long as you can still wax and snog.

Out of the blue! (Men are FOR EVER immature and totally unpredictable!)

Keith has suggested that “we” go and see him in Australia over the summer holiday. “We” cannot mean Nathan after the sausage. That sausage SEALED it. IT MUST MEAN ME AND MGK.

1.   WITH MGK?!!

2.   That's MILES off anyway.