No Going Back (17 page)

I’m thankful that the hotel we are staying at has a basketball court. When I have a lot of bullshit on my mind and music isn’t able to take it away I can usually just shoot some hoops and it helps me sort through it. Growing up, Derek and I played baseball, but that was more of his thing then mine. I was actually never the jock of the family. Music has always been in my soul, but playing basketball is different. You don’t need anyone to play with — all you need is a ball and a hoop. I throw on a pair of black gym shorts and my Air Max’s. I don’t bother throwing a shirt on since I’ll just take it off anyways.

Every once in a while I’ll run a lay-up, but for the most part I just play a personal game of horse shooting three pointers. I love basketball season especially the play offs. A few years ago I would have been Lakers all the way, but now since we have our own NBA team finally I’m
ThunderUp
. Well, as long as the Lakers aren’t playing us I’ll still root for them. One thing I’ve been dying to do is actually go watch a ball game at a court. This damn tour has kind of put a kink in those plans.

“Three strikes you’re out. Doesn’t that make you a H-O-R now?” Derek says coming up from behind me but pronouncing it whore.

“Maybe if I was playing baseball.” I quickly toss the ball to him, expecting him not to catch it, but dammit he does.

“You forget, old man, that I have cat like reflexes,” he says right before he charges for the basket. He’s probably a good four inches taller than me along with a good forty pounds…of muscle, but I stay on him like flies on shit — that is until he fakes me out and pivots to the right instead.
Asshole.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; I never was the jock out of the two of us.

After playing two on two for a good thirty minutes, we just trade off shooting baskets, not bothering to keep track of who’s making what.

“How’d you know Jesika was the one?” I ask, watching Derek sink the hoop.

“Nothing but net,” he brags. “Umm, I don’t know.” He scratches his head, “It’s not like some cosmic event happened or some oracle came to me and told me she was the one. It’s just a feeling. We all can survive without that special person in our lives, but it’s when you realize that you don’t want to. They make your life better…make you want to be a better person.” He shrugs. “Truth is I can’t see my life without Jesika. The day she almost died, I almost died too. Knowing that I could have lost her forever…was the scariest feeling ever.” He walks over to where the ball rolled to a stop and picks it up and turns around to pass it to me. “You know you still have time bro? It isn’t too late to get her back.”

I dribble the ball for a minute, letting what Derek just said sink in before I take my shot. “I don’t know about that man. I think I fucked up any chance we had.”

“Do you honestly think Nick is the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with? Because I can tell he’s not. She doesn’t look at him the way she looked at you. If you love her you have to at least try. You’ll always hate yourself if you don’t.” I agree. I probably will.

By end of the week we have a good twelve songs recorded and in the hands of Justice to work his wiggity wiggity magic on. The sound is unbelievable. It’s crisp and there is no outside interference. That was something that could never be predicted while trying to record our own shit. We could have the place on lock down and it’d still manage to pick up the smallest damn noise, but not here…it sounds perfect. Hearing my voice pumping loudly through the speaker system doesn’t give me the cocky feeling you’d think it would, no, it’s a very proud feeling. It’s a fulfilling feeling. Such an accomplishment…and having my brother, the only person who has always been by my side, with me I feel like I could have anything I possibly want. Being here and living out my childhood dream makes me feel like I can have whatever I want as long as I fight for it.

It’s time for me to drive Jes and Derek back to the airport. Since she is Mallory’s best woman or whatever, she has a lot of bullshit to help with before the wedding, the one that will be taking place in less than two weeks. I’m so torn with how to feel about it. I want Mallory to be happy and I don’t want to come in between her and Nick if that’s what she wants. I don’t want to be a selfish prick like I have been this whole time, even though I had good intentions. Good intentions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.

“Last time I came here parking was a bitch. So, y’all don’t mind if I just pull up to the front and let you out, do ya?” I’m not trying to hang out all day in the damn airport.

“That’s fine bro,” Derek replies. “Thanks for including me in all of this.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I say with all seriousness. “Well, unless I could get your ass to tour with us.” I look back at Jes and she just shrugs.

“I told Derek that if he wants to go that I wouldn’t keep him from it.” Her cool points just went up by a hundred percent. He gets out of the car to collect their stuff from out of the trunk, but Jesika slowly gets her stuff together like she’s procrastinating getting out of the car. “Seth,” she pauses. “Ahh, I’m gonna be honest with you real quick. I hate what you did to Mallory, but I know you had good reasons. All I’ve ever wanted is for her to be happy. Does Nick make her happy? Yes, but does he make her happier than you? No. I never wanted you and Mal to hook up because I knew you both had issues and I didn’t see how that could ever end up being a good thing. But it was.” She opens her door then looks back at me. “I know you both were happier together. Or whatever you were. You both can keep trying to find other things to fill the void, but you never will. Nothing will ever compare to what y’all felt and still feel for each other.” I know I must have given her a complete look of shock because she giggles. “Yes Seth, Mallory is still in love with you…just as much as you are her. You aren’t too late. All the good things in life are worth the fight. I’d hate to see you miss the boat.”

Derek bends down to the open passenger side window, “So should I be expecting a sudden visit home from you three Saturdays from now?” He winks. I flash him my wicked smile.

“We’ll see.”

Chapter Twenty-One

*MALLORY*

Maybe I’m not meant to be happy. Maybe the happily ever after isn’t for me. Maybe, just maybe, the life I had been living before Seth came into the picture is the life I was destined to have. I mean, it’s not that I’m miserable, or unhappy per say. I’m just comfortable. Is that okay? I mean, is that all I should expect to feel or want to feel…contentment?

Is it true that you only find your true love once, and that everyone else is just a substitution to fill a void in your heart? I want to let it all go, the feelings that I still carry for Seth, but dammit if I can’t. I love Nick, I do. He makes me happy, he really does. But I can’t help the feeling that something is missing. I know what that something is. It’s someone. But is it okay for me to fake it with someone else, and allow him to believe he fully fills the missing piece? I can’t help but feel like I’m using him, and I hate it. Hate it. I don’t need a man to be happy, but I do need one to have the life I’ve always wanted deep down. The life I never had growing up. Maybe that’s my fucking problem — my screwed up childhood. I’ve got the
no daddy girl
syndrome. No wonder I was always so willing to put out. Not that I didn’t enjoy it just as much as the guy next door, but damn if I was trying to fill some void in my life. Not the way to do it, I might add.

I don’t know the motives behind all of Nick’s decisions, but I know this has all been extremely rushed on both of our parts. Well, mainly his. Everything has been his idea, and I’ve just went along with it without a care in the world — more like without a care if his heart gets broken or not. Man, I’m pathetic. I moved in with this guy and agreed to marry him after only being together for six months. Who does that? Me, that’s who.

I know we could have a good life together. I don’t doubt that one bit. What I do doubt is how fair I am being to him. I’m not in love with him. I love him, yes. But my heart is not fully devoted to him, like his is to me. That is not fair. He deserves someone who can love him with every fiber within them. He deserves someone who lives to make him happy. He does that for me. That is something I love about him, and something that has kept me put.

I don’t want to be selfish Mallory any more. I need to figure out who I am, or something. I need to fix the void that Seth left before I can be with any other man. Any other man besides Seth of course. But we all know that will never happen. I really don’t know what all he’s been up to. I know he feels responsible for so much, but dammit it’s not his fucking fault he was lied to and manipulated. I’d like to think he only stays away because he thinks he’s protecting me in that stupid as fuck way men with serious pride issues think they are doing. But let me tell you, that is the dumbest thing ever. So, that leaves me thinking that maybe he just never cared about me like I did him. I mean, I’m sure he’s living up the rocker lifestyle without a single thought of me crossing his mind. Does that thought break my heart a little more every day? Like hell it does. Hence, the reason I cling to Nick. The attention he gives me keeps my mind off of Seth. Not to mention the sex is pretty hot. Maybe it’s that much hotter to me because I’ve never made love with anyone. Well, there was that one time…but I’m not sure if that counts since it was most likely one sided love making. Guess we can just call it
love-fuck making
or half-and-half.

All these thoughts zipping through my mind are what have kept me from putting on my wedding dress.

I can’t go through with this.

I need Jesika here STAT. I have to talk to someone. Get all these jumbled feelings straight before I just bail out the bathroom window like a fucking runaway bride. Who am I kidding? I’m too damn short to reach that window, even in heels.

Dammit.

Another downside of being so damn short. I hear a knock on the door. Hallelujah! My bestie is here to save me. I rush over to the door, and pull it open quickly. Before Jesika can even say a word, I yank her in, do a quick look out in the hall, and slam the door.

“What the hell was that for Mal?” she huffs.

“I need you to do me a favor.” She looks at me, waiting for me to finish my request. “Okay, see that window in the bathroom?” She nods. “Alright, you’re going to lift me up so I can climb through it.” Yep, I’ve completely lost my marbles.

“Why in the hell do I need to lift you out of a window when there’s a door right over there?” She points to the area behind me. Where the hell did that door come from? It wasn’t there ten minutes ago when I was planning my very well thought out escape route. Shit, maybe it wasn’t very well thought out. I am kind of taking it to the extreme wanting to escape through windows and shit. I didn’t even bother to look for a damn door.

“That’s why you are my best friend my dear. You’re the smart one.” Did I just admit that? Well, she is. My ass would be climbing through that tiny window and probably getting stuck if it wasn’t for her ability to see a more appealing getaway. I turn around to start gathering up all my stuff. I’m zipping back up my dresses garment bag when I feel Jesika standing right behind me.

“What’s up Mallory? Are you having second thoughts? Talk to me about this. Maybe we can come up with a better solution than you just running away.” I hate it when she’s right. I know there’s a better solution, but right now I’m a fucking bundle of nerves. Sometimes I’m really great at coming across as Miss Confident and not afraid to speak my mind, but right now I just want to disappear. I’d much rather do that than have to face Nick and see the look on his face that I know I will be responsible for. Thinking about the pain I’m about to cause him makes me tear up.

“I can’t do it Jes.” I shake my head. “He doesn’t own my heart. I’m only half in this. It’s not fair to Nick. He deserves someone who can whole-heartedly love him. That person is not me. I’ve tried, but dammit if Seth still consumes me. I can’t get over him no matter how hard I try. I thought being with Nick would do it. It helps, but it’s just a cover,” I ramble.