Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (34 page)

*

“Mommy, I don’t want to wear it! Makeup is for girls!” I giggled at Peyton’s feeble argument.

“You are a girl, silly,” I said with a smile. “Someday you might want to wear makeup, and you’ll be glad I showed you. Even Madison has worn makeup once or twice in her life.”

“Then she can teach me when I grow up,” she pouted as I dusted pink powder across her cheeks.

“Trust me; you don’t want that unless you want to look like a clown.”

“Hey, I heard that,” Madison said from the doorway of my bedroom.

“Do you deny it?” I asked with a grin.

“Well, no.”

“What do you think?” I asked as I put the finishing touches on my seven-year-old’s face.

“Very beautiful,” Sawyer said from behind Madison. Peyton beamed at his praise. She was completely smitten with him.

“Can we be done?” Peyton asked me. She really hated everything girly.

“Not yet, I still need to teach you how to braid your own hair.”

“I can help with that,” Sawyer said. “I’ve learned a thing or two about braids and ponytails throughout my teaching career.” Madison gave him the heated look I’d been seeing a lot from her lately. I couldn’t remember ever seeing her look at Ethan that way.

“We came up here to see if you want to go out for dinner,” Sawyer said. “My treat.”

“No thanks, I want to teach Peyton how to make my famous lasagna.” I had so many things to teach her and very little time left. I looked at my alarm clock and noticed it was almost six. “I guess we lost track of time. We’d better get busy.”

“Yum, I love lasagna. Can you teach Madison how to make it?” Sawyer asked.

“Hey, I know how to cook! You just keep ordering out, so I never have an opportunity,” she said as she swatted his chest.

“You’re going to have to prove it to me sometime.”

“Sorry, buddy, you’ve spoiled me rotten. I may never cook again,” Madison joked. My heart warmed for my best friend. She deserved happiness more than anyone else I knew.

“Okay, little girl, let’s go make dinner.” I looked over at Sawyer as we headed out of the room and noticed his unbuttoned collar and floppy hair. “Hey, Sawyer. Will you be my guinea pig after dinner?”

“Depends on what for…” he said hesitantly with a raised brow.

“I need to teach Peyton how to tie a tie and cut hair.”

“I’m cool with the tie, but do you really expect me to let a seven-year-old cut my hair?”

“Oh, right. How about I teach Madison, so she can teach Peyton when she’s a little older?”

“I’ll agree to that.”

“Maybe I don’t want to learn,” Madison tossed over her shoulder as we headed down the stairs.

“Do it for Peyton,” I said. I knew her ultimate weakness was my little girl.

“All right, all right,” she mumbled.

“I’ll turn the two of you into girls if it’s the last thing I do,” I joked. It struck me that it very well might be the last thing I did.

*

“So just how big is it?” I casually asked my best friend. We sat on my bed and ate ice cream after Peyton had fallen asleep. We each had a tub of our favorite flavor—chocolate for me and vanilla for Madison—and my favorite movie was on the TV.

She jerked her whole body around to face me. “I can’t believe you just asked me that!” she exclaimed.

“Hey, it’s been a really long time since we had girl-talk, and we’ve never been able to have this kind of discussion before.” She didn’t want to hear about her brother’s junk, and I didn’t want to hear about Ethan’s, because he was like a brother to me. “Come on, humor your dying sister,” I said with a pouty lip that was guaranteed to make her give in.

“You don’t play fair,” she said. “It’s huge. Are you happy now?”

“I will be once I get some specifics,” I replied. She reluctantly held up her hands to show me just how huge it actually was. “Shit, I didn’t know they made ‘em that big. Doesn’t it hurt?”

“No, it’s amazing.” I was glad she was loosening up. It felt more like old times, just with a dirtier topic of conversation.

“Does he know how to use it?”

“He could have written the book on sex.” Something about the dreamy look in her eyes made me miss Ryan even more. Thoughts of Ryan led to thoughts of Peyton.

“I want Peyton to go to college.” It took Madison a moment to catch up to my non sequitur. “She can be a starving artist or something like that if she wants to, but only after she has a degree in something that she can use to support herself.”

“Got it. Now, will you please quit talking as if you are guaranteed to die? I’d rather go back to talking about Sawyer’s penis.” She said it in a way to let me know she really didn’t want to discuss either topic.

I laughed at Madison. I loved her so much. “I can’t have the surgery unless I’m prepared for the worst. You’re going to be Peyton’s mother if I don’t make it. The decisions are ultimately going to be up to you, but I want to put my two cents in.”

“All right,” she said. “Hold on a minute, I need to go tell Sawyer to wait up for me.”

“Why?”

“He has a special way of making me feel better when I get upset. I have a feeling I’m going to need a double dose after this conversation.”

*

Madison hovered over me while Peyton and Sawyer were at school. I kept telling her to go to work at the hospital, but she insisted on taking time off until my surgery. If she wasn’t careful, she wouldn’t be able to finish the program.

Sawyer seemed to catch on to my need for alone time and convinced Madison to come to school with him one day to help teach the kids basketball. With her out of the house, I finally had the privacy I needed to work on my last major unfinished task. I sat at the dining room table with a stack of thick linen paper and a blue ballpoint pen. I sat there for an eternity trying to figure out what words I could possibly write to tell my precious angel how much I loved her. How could I possibly say goodbye to my baby? I finally gave up trying to think of the perfect things to say and just let the words flow freely from my soul. The expensive paper absorbed my tears as my heart bled onto each page.

I filled up sheet after sheet with stories, things I wanted her to know about life, and declarations of my undying love for her.

I wrote about all of the most important days of my life. I told her about the day I met her father, the day we got married, the day I found out I was pregnant with her, and the day she was born.

I wrote about how proud I was of her. How I knew she would grow up to do amazing things. How she was the best thing I’d ever done in my life. I told her how sorry I was for leaving her and how I would be with her always.

I told her that even though my life was short, I’d had just enough time to do what I was put on the earth for. I was born to be her mommy, and Madison was born to pick up where I left off.

I told her it was okay for her to think of Madison as her new mommy and Sawyer as her new daddy. I wanted my baby to have a complete, loving family even if I couldn’t be a part of it. I knew Madison and Sawyer loved her just as much as Ryan and I did.

I wrote for hours. I didn’t stop until I glimpsed Peyton’s future walking down the street toward the house. Madison and Sawyer laughed as they each held one of Peyton’s little hands. Peyton squealed with delight as they swung her between them. Peyton would be happy. She would be loved more than anything. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

I gathered the papers and headed for my room; I would have to wait to put them in envelopes until after Peyton went to bed. I found the special teddy bear I’d gotten for Peyton and pulled it out of the box. I scanned the instructions as I heard the front door close behind my family. I inserted four batteries in the bear’s back and pressed the little red button. “I love you, Peyton,” I said into the recording device. I placed the bear on my bed and then headed down to spend what time I had left with my baby.

*

I told Sawyer I needed to talk to him on what very well could be my very last night on earth. Madison reluctantly left the two of us alone when Peyton asked her to help make a get-well card for me.

“What’s up?” he asked as I pulled my bedroom door closed behind us.

“I need you to promise to take care of them for me,” I said. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“What do you mean? You’re going to be okay,” he said. I didn’t give a shit that he was uncomfortable with the conversation.

“You and I both know the odds aren’t in my favor. Peyton and Madison are going to need you to be strong for them. They’ve been through way too much.”

“I think they are stronger than you give them credit for.”

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bullshit you have in your head, but I know Madison is in love with you and that you are equally in love with her.”

His entire body stiffened. “Did she say that?”

“She didn’t have to. An idiot could tell just by looking at the two of you.” I really needed him to see the truth. “Peyton loves you. You know that, right?”

“I love her, too,” he said.

“Why can say you love Peyton but not Madison?” I didn’t have the time to be patient with him.

“It’s different. Do you want me to explain it to you?” We weren’t going to make any progress when he was so defensive.

“No, I want you to get your shit together and promise me you’ll be there for them when I’m gone.” I wasn’t yelling—out loud anyway.

“I’ll make sure Peyton is taken care of. Don’t worry about that.” That was probably the best I was going to get out of him.

“I’ll be watching,” I threatened.

*