Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (29 page)

“But you’re still alive.”

“I barely survived. The government gave me a new identity and moved me across the country. If I had come home, it would have led the terrorists directly to you. I couldn’t risk them finding out that the three of you existed.”

“You could have taken us with you. If we had gone, Ryan would still be alive.” I fought the tears that threatened to form in my eyes.

“That’s one possibility, but there’s no way to know for sure. It could have just been his time, no matter where he was.” I could feel his sadness. “Leaving you and Ryan was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but you need to think about all the good things that happened because you stayed. Peyton and your unborn child wouldn’t exist. You never would have met Sawyer.”

“So, you thought we’d be better off without a father, and that
Mami
would be better off as a single mother? Do you realize how devastated we were when you died?”

“I’m so sorry, Maddie—Madison. I did what I had to do to protect you.”

“Why are you here now? How did Olivia manage to find you?” Sawyer asked.

“Ronald McLaughlin—the bastard who shot me—was killed in prison a few months ago. He was last person who posed a threat to me, so I was allowed to leave witness protection. I wanted to come back, but had no idea how. I was grateful when I got a message from Olivia.”

“Did
Mami
know about this farce?”

“No, any contact would have put her in danger.” He paused for a moment. “Olivia said she moved back to Spain?”

“Yeah, and now she’s stuck over there, thanks to you.”

“How is that my fault?”

“She never would have left if you hadn’t
died
, and, even if she did, she would be able to afford to come home.” I had never been so angry in my life. I stood to leave the room.

“Maddie, wait.”

“Don’t call me that!”

“I’m sorry. Madison, there’s something else I need to tell you.”

“What the fuck else could there possibly be?”

“Your mom didn’t want to tell you, but I think you deserve to know. Please, hear me out. This might be my last chance to tell you if you decide you never want to speak to me again.”

I looked to Sawyer. He nodded and hugged me tightly to his chest when I sat back down. “Go ahead,” I said through clenched teeth.

“When we moved back to Indiana after I left the service, I caught up with Steve—my best friend from high school. He and I picked up right where we left off, and your mother became really close with his wife.” He studied his clasped hands. “One evening, they invited us over for dinner. Ryan was about two at the time and fell asleep on their couch after we finished eating. We got to talking, and they told us that they weren’t able to have kids.”

“What does this have to do with me?” I asked impatiently.

“They asked your mother and me to help them out. It turned out that the wife was healthy, but my friend wasn’t able to father a child. Your mother and I discussed it, and we decided that I would make a donation to help them out.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“They ended up having a daughter.”

“Are you saying I have a sister?”

“In a way, yes. We signed all of the papers, so she isn’t mine legally, but she is your biological sister. Her name is—”

“Don’t say it. I don’t want to know.” I didn’t want to risk hearing the words that would make my worst nightmare a reality. “I know for sure it’s not Olivia, and that’s all that matters.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to know? Having Marina in my life has been a huge blessing.” Sawyer’s eyes lit up at the thought of his sister.

“There are only five or six people it could possibly be, and every single one was horrible to me growing up. I’d prefer not to know which bitch I share DNA with. Now, if you’ll both excuse me, I need to lie down, or throw up, or something.”

*

Sawyer crawled into bed with me almost an hour later. “You okay?” he asked as he wrapped an arm around my waist.

“I will be. I’m going to have it out with Olivia tomorrow. She can’t do shit like this to me while I’m trying to keep her life together.” I took a shaky breath. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this. She needs to come home.”

“You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known. You can do anything. You need to tell Olivia exactly how you’re feeling. Don’t leave until she understands what’s going on here—and she explains what’s going on with her.”

“You’re right. I need to stop babying her.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to help.” He planted a kiss on my temple. “Now, get some sleep.”

Madison

“I’m sick.” Olivia stared off in the general direction of the rec room where Sawyer and Peyton were looking for a new coloring book.

“I know addiction is a disease, but we need to look for out-patient treatment options.” I wasn’t going to let her make excuses. Her court-ordered treatment had been over for a while, so there was no legal reason for her to stay any longer.

“No, I mean I’m dying.”

“That’s not funny. Now tell me the real reason you brought my father back from the grave.”

“It’s not a joke. I don’t have a drinking problem—not a bad one anyway. I have cancer.”

“Then why the fuck are you still in here?” The last word was out of my mouth when the impact of her statement hit me square in the stomach. Olivia was sick, and she hadn’t told me. I might lose her, too. “Was this whole rehab thing a charade?”

“I drank quite a bit after I was diagnosed. The doctors told me the cancer was too far along to treat with traditional methods. Chemo and radiation might have bought me a little time, but I would have been miserable. I didn’t know how else to deal.” She diverted her glistening eyes. “Someone saw me hammered at the grocery store one day and called Child Services.”

My tone softened and I took her hand in mine. “That doesn’t explain why you’re still here. If your drinking problem was under control, why didn’t you come home to your family the minute your mandatory time was up?”

“Peyton has been doing so well lately. I thought she wouldn’t have as hard of a time with my death if she didn’t see me every day. Her life revolves around you now, so it won’t be as devastating when I’m gone if I just kind of phase myself out.”

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Peyton loves you more than you could possibly imagine. She asks for you every day. It’s going to be worse because she’s missed all of this time with you.”

“It’s better this way. I don’t want to turn her life upside down when I don’t have that much time left. I don’t want her to go through the pain of watching me die”

“How long do you have?” I asked.

“Another three or four months, if I’m lucky.”

“Do you have any idea what I’ve been going through while you’ve been hiding from reality? I had to take my clothes off for money. There are times we barely have enough to eat.”

Olivia’s eyes went wide. “Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?”

“Because, I didn’t want you to worry about it; I wanted you to focus on recovering.” I ran my hands through my hair. “You’re coming home right away. Peyton needs as much time with you as possible. I’ll call Ethan. He can talk to your doctors and make arrangements for you to see a specialist back home.”

“Um, he already knows. He was there when they made the initial diagnosis.”

“You’re fucking kidding me. He knew all this time?”

“Don’t be mad at him. I told him not to tell, and he couldn’t because I’m his patient.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

“No.”

“I am beyond mad.” The anger coursing through my body threatened to rip me apart. I sent Sawyer a quick text. “You need to get over this martyr shit and spend whatever time you have left with your daughter.”

Sawyer and Peyton came back from the rec room. He approached slowly, trying to read my expression. “Hey, Pey, Sawyer and I need to run an errand,” I said as calmly as I could. “Will you stay here and keep your mother company?”

“Sure!”

“Great, we’ll be back in about an hour or so.” Hopefully an hour would be enough time to work the anger out of my system.

I took Sawyer’s hand and dragged him to the parking lot.

“What are you doing?” he asked when I climbed into the back of his SUV.

“Get your ass back here.” I pulled off my clothes as quickly as I could. “I need you to fuck me.”

“You’re really upset; do you think that’s the best idea?”

“I realize I’m not very attractive right now, but I’m going to explode unless I relieve some of this frustration. Get back here and help me, or I’ll have to do it on my own.”

“Thank God for tinted windows,” he said before climbing on top of me.

Madison

“I can’t believe you kept this from me!” I yelled at Ethan. I’d gone to the hospital to confront him on Sunday morning while Peyton was at church with Nana.

“You know my hands were tied,” he said, too calmly for my liking. He took my hand and led me into an empty on-call room. “It killed me that I couldn’t tell you.”

“You lied to me!” I held on to my stomach to keep the pain from bursting through.

“If I lied, it was a lie of omission. I never intentionally told you anything that wasn’t technically true.” He pulled me into his arms. I pounded my fists on his chest and tried to wrench my body away from him. He only held me tighter as I attempted to break free.

“I know you’re angry, scared, and confused,” he said just loud enough for me to hear over my sobs. “Life has dealt you a shitty hand lately. You’ve been lashing out at everyone instead of dealing with your pain. That’s not like you, Mads.”

I tried to pull away again with no success. “How dare you! You have no idea what I’ve been going through,” I snarled.

“I know you were blindsided by both Olivia and your father. You feel betrayed and unloved. The Madison I grew up with wouldn’t be angry with them; she would forgive Olivia and be ecstatic to have her father back.” He was right; I had changed. I used to see the light in every situation, but now all I saw were the shadows. “I think you are using anger as a shield. You’ve taken one too many blows to the heart, and it’s easier to be angry than to feel so much pain.”

I began to calm. “How do I forgive the man who abandoned me?” I asked.

“You told me he did it to keep you safe. I think you should believe him.” He shifted me in his arms, so he could look into my eyes. “Put yourself in his shoes. Think about the sacrifice he made for you—how much pain he must have endured.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way. If I had to leave Peyton to keep her safe, I would in a heartbeat, even though it would kill me. The anger I’d carried with me into the small room was eating away at my soul.

Ethan was following the law by not telling me about Olivia. Would I want to be friends with someone who would commit such a huge ethical violation?

Olivia had done what she thought was best for Peyton. Even though she was misguided, I could understand her not wanting to inflict pain on her daughter.

“What if Olivia doesn’t make it?” It was the first time I’d allowed myself to seriously consider the possibility. Would I be enough for Peyton?

Ethan let me move away when I took a step back. “I’ll do anything in my power to help you,” he said. “I will never walk away from you again.”

“I know.” I believed him with every fiber of my being. “I think you missed your true calling. You should have gone into psychiatry.”

He smiled and pulled me into his body once more; this time, I didn’t resist. “Are you coming over this afternoon?” I asked.

“No, interesting thing happened yesterday—Charlie asked me out.” He fought to keep his face neutral for my benefit. “We’re going to take Brianna to the zoo after work today.”

“That’s exciting news,” I said, grateful to have something positive to think about. “It’s okay for you to be happy, even though I’m a mess. I am really happy for you.”

He let a small smile slip past his defenses. “Call if you need me, and I’ll come running.”

*

“I can’t believe how much stuff you brought with you,” I said to Olivia as we loaded the last of her suitcases into the back of the SUV the following Monday afternoon. “It’s a good thing Sawyer lent me his truck.” I admired the top-of-the-line vehicle as I shut the hatch. I had no idea how he could afford the payments on it, which made me nervous. How he spent his money wasn’t my business, but I would need him to help out with expenses for the baby—at least until I could get a nursing job.