Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (24 page)

It was over, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. “Please, just think about it for a few days.”

“No. I need a clean break. From now on, I’m just Peyton’s guardian to you.” She’d never be ‘just’ anything to me. “We both need to move on.”

I fought to control the burning in my eyes, refusing to blink until the moisture behind my lids evaporated. I wasn’t worth it to her. She wouldn’t make an exception for me, even though I’d made one for her. “I’ll leave you alone. I’ll move on if that’s what you want.” I’d move on even if it killed me.

Madison

The weekend dragged on forever. Peyton and I visited Olivia on Saturday and worked in the yard on Sunday. The nights were torture. I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed thinking about Sawyer, wishing he were lying there with me.

I relived Friday night over and over in my head. Right before things fell apart, his handsome face was the most peaceful I’d ever seen it. I couldn’t help but imagine what our life together might have been like under different circumstances. I had looked at him and pictured a future in which Olivia and I would sit on the porch watching Sawyer roughhouse with Peyton and our tiny daughter on the front lawn while his son grew in my belly.

I knew better than to believe my dream could become a reality. At the time, I’d only known about the baby for a week and hadn’t been able to conjure up enough courage to tell him. I was certain he would freak out and leave the moment he found out. I’d been so happy that week and couldn’t bear the thought of it coming to an end.

That line of thought inspired my original plan to end things with him. I would tell him about the baby and wave goodbye as he walked—maybe even ran—away. I hadn’t planned on falling into bed with him first.
Damned pregnancy hormones.
I swear the baby had been in cahoots with her father that night—and every other time I’d seen him that week. I chickened out in the end. I didn’t want to live with the reality of him not wanting the baby. I’d find the courage to tell him someday.

I hated lying to him. I hated pushing him away. I hated that after the week we’d spent together he still thought of me only as a fuck buddy. I couldn’t believe I’d been so wrong about his intentions. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe someday I’d believe that.

I blamed the hormones and sleep deprivation for the tears that had taken up residence on my face. For the first time in my life, I’d lost my appetite. I had to force myself to eat for the baby growing inside me, the baby who may never know the love of her father.

The Monday morning sun eventually rose, bringing with it the distraction of work. “You look like shit,” Ethan said when I reported for duty in the ER.

“Why, thank you, kind sir,” I replied with sarcasm seeping into my tone. I’d covered up my fading bruises and the dark circles under my eyes as much as I could with the makeup Sawyer bought for me after the attack.

“Seriously, what’s wrong?” he asked. I could see the concern in his eyes.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said as I started to walk away.

“Talk about what?” Charlie asked. I hadn’t seen him standing at the nurses’ station.

“What are you doing down here?” I asked.

“Consultation,” he replied. “You really do look awful. How about Ethan and I take you to lunch today? Maybe by then you’ll be ready to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?”

I needed to eat, and I doubted I’d remember to take lunch if left to my own devices. “All right, I’ll go with you guys, but I doubt I’ll be ready to talk.”

“Great. I’ll meet you guys upstairs around noon.” Charlie handed a clipboard to the charge nurse and put his pen in the breast pocket of his white lab coat. I got my computer cart to see what the day had in store for me.

*

“Eat, Madison. Don’t make me tell you again,” Ethan said sternly.

“I’m trying. I just don’t feel well.” It wasn’t a lie.

“Are you sick?” Charlie asked.

“You guys aren’t going to let this go, are you?”

“No,” they said in unison.

“Fine. I was having a little fling with Sawyer, and it ended under less than ideal circumstances. I’m just a little sad. I’ll get over it.” Ethan flinched at my confession, even though he knew I’d been sleeping with Sawyer.

“I hate to admit it, but you and I both know it was more than just a ‘little fling’,” Ethan said. “Something else is going on. Just tell us.”

It was time to rip off the band aid. “I’m pregnant.”

Ethan’s jaw hit the table. “Is it mine?” he asked.

“No, I’m only a few weeks along, and it’s been months since we were together.” My heart broke when Ethan’s face fell in disappointment. “I’m sorry.”

“Does Ramsay know?” Charlie asked. “Is that why he left you?” His fists were clenched so tightly his knuckles turned white.

“No, I haven’t told him yet. And for the record, I left him.” Even though I didn’t want to.

“Do we need to beat him up?” Ethan asked. He was totally serious.

“No, he didn’t do anything wrong. I did this to myself.” I wasn’t going to tell them about Hailey’s involvement. I couldn’t risk anything happening to Sawyer or Peyton.

“Now that he’s out of the picture, will you consider giving me another chance?” Ethan asked. Charlie’s expression fell for a moment. I wasn’t sure what to make of that.

“I need to get back to the ICU,” Charlie said as he picked up his tray. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Nothing has changed between us,” I told Ethan after Charlie had left. I was starting to believe he would never give up. He needed to figure out for himself what I already knew. “I have an idea.” I took a bite of my chicken to give me a chance to gather my thoughts. “I want you to find a guy you like and give it a real try. Once you do that, if you still want me back, I’ll give us another try.” I knew he wouldn’t want me back; at least, that was what I was counting on.

“You would take me back after I’ve slept with someone else?” he asked.

“I’m pregnant with another man’s baby, and you still want me. I think I can deal with you having sex. We aren’t together, so it wouldn’t be cheating. If you feel the same after you experience someone else, and I am single, I’ll give it another try.” I was more than okay with Ethan finding someone else. My stomach clenched at the thought of Sawyer with another woman, though. I wished I hadn’t actively encouraged him to move on.

“I’ll do it if that’s what it takes,” Ethan said. “You’d better be ready to hold up your end of the deal.”

Sawyer

“God damn it!” I yelled as I fought to free a shopping cart from the corral outside of the grocery store. It had been a week since the last time I’d seen Madison, and I was still a fucking mess.

“Hey, Mr. Ramsay, need some help?”

“Hey there, Doc.” I shook his extended hand. Most doctors gave wimpy handshakes, but Brianna’s dad shook hands like he meant it. We’d bonded during our first parent–teacher conference when we spent most of the time discussing our fantasy football teams. Charlie easily pulled the cart out for me and then took one for himself.

“Daddy! We found the biggest one, but it’s too heavy!” Brianna called out from the other side of the entrance vestibule. She was so full of spirit; I could see why she and Peyton were such good friends.

“The girls had a craving for watermelon.” I didn’t know he had more than one kid. “I can’t stand the stuff myself, so I hope they can finish it all.”

“Hurry, before someone else gets it!” I would know that sweet voice anywhere. My stomach twisted into an excruciating knot. Why was I jealous of Peyton going grocery shopping with Dr. Morgan?

“Duty calls. See you later.” He slapped me on the shoulder and jogged away, pushing his cart.

I’d just started toward the entrance when I heard the beautiful song of Madison’s laugh. “Sorry, Charlie, I’m not medically cleared to lift anything that heavy yet.” How had I not noticed her before? Just last week, I could’ve picked her out of a crowd of thousands.

I didn’t want to see her, but I couldn’t stop myself from taking a step to the right to get a better view. Charlie leaned in close and whispered in her ear. My heart froze into a solid block of ice as her lips sought out and connected with his. They wrapped their arms around each other and held on tight. “Don’t worry; I’ll do all the heavy lifting tonight,” he said a little too loudly.

“Thanks, sweetie,” she replied. Her hold on him didn’t waver. She rested her head on his shoulder for a second before he stepped away to load the watermelon into their cart. I knew he could give her the life she wanted; I just didn’t want to watch.

I darted into the building before they could turn around and catch me staring. I headed toward the back of the store, throwing random shit into my cart as I went. The sight of them together acting like a family was burned into my mind. I had told Madison I would move on, but up until now I hadn’t been ready. I couldn’t keep going on like I had been, or I would lose what little was left of my fucking mind.

My sister’s boyfriend, Tate, once told me the trick to getting over a woman was to fuck someone hotter. At this point, I was willing to try anything. I went to the pharmacy aisle and tossed two large boxes of polyurethane condoms into my cart. Hopefully seventy-two fucks would be enough to forget about her. I could always come back for more if it wasn’t.

I stood halfway down the cereal aisle until I saw them leave. I watched through the front glass wall as they all merrily piled into Charlie’s sedan. It was getting very hard to keep from adding him to my hit list.

I kept my head down as I unloaded the junk from my cart while the cashier finished ringing up the person in front of me. “Need some help with these?” a pleasing feminine voice with a Southern drawl asked. I looked up to find a gorgeous blonde with forest green eyes holding a box of condoms in each hand.

“I would love some help.” I gave her the sexiest smile I could muster and scanned her body from head to toe. She looked nothing like Madison from the neck up, but she was strong yet curvy in all the right places—just like the girl I’d met in a hotel bar what felt like a lifetime time ago.

Moving on might not be so hard after all. If nothing else, I could close my eyes and pretend for a while.

Madison

“I got it, Mama. Let’s go!” Peyton said when I picked her up from school nearly two weeks A.S., After Sawyer. She waved the catalogue in the air until I took it from her. The Miller family was notoriously competitive, which the school loved when it came time for the annual fundraiser.

“All right, we’ll hit a few neighborhoods before we head home.” Luckily I was wearing comfortable sneakers because I’d walked to the school right after work.

Like most things, we had a system for door-to-door sales. We always started in the upper-middle class neighborhood a couple of miles away and then hit all of the houses on our way home. The people in the better neighborhood usually had more money to waste on crappy trinkets and wrapping paper than the people in our area. It was also in a different school district, so there wouldn’t be ten other kids hitting them up at the same time.

We walked to the far west end of the newly built subdivision and started working our way back. I stood on the sidewalk as she made her pitch to the folks nice enough to open the door. She had sold close to thirty items to just eight people.

Once we hit all of the houses on the north side of the street, we crossed over and worked the other side. Peyton’s order form was already over half full, so I knew it wouldn’t be a problem for her to win the best prizes.

I watched as she skipped up one of the short walks to a large, two-story home and rang the doorbell. I found a chocolate bar in my purse and shoved it in my mouth—for the baby, of course—while I waited for Peyton to work her magic. A slender blonde dressed in yoga pants and a skin tight halter top opened the door.

“Hello, I’m selling an assortment of high-quality items to raise money for my school. Would you please consider supporting us?” Peyton was a natural salesperson. She had the catalogue in the woman’s hand before she could decline.

“I’d love to help you,” she said with a smile. “What’s your name?”

“Peyton,” my little girl politely replied.

“Nice to meet you, Peyton. My name is Alex.”

Alex turned around and raised her voice. “Sawyer! Come here for a minute!” She turned back to Peyton. “I’ll get him to buy some stuff, too.”

My fears were confirmed when my Sawyer, who was never really mine, came to the door wearing low-slung sweatpants and a wife-beater undershirt. “Hey, Peyton. Getting started on the fundraiser already?”

“I’m going to win the scooter,” Peyton said with absolute confidence.

I looked up and met his intense gaze. He affectionately tucked the beautiful woman into his side and pressed his lips to her temple. She smiled as if the gesture meant the world to her. She wrapped one of her arms around his back and rested her other hand on his stomach.

“Are you in his class?” Alex asked with a warm tone.

“Yep.”

She turned to look at Sawyer. “Is she
the
Peyton?” He gave her a shallow nod in response. “I think you deserve to win everything for having to put up with him every day.”