Never Say Goodbye (15 page)

******

For the next few days we explore my childhood memories. My nan let me try to drive her car, much to Luke's amusement. He did it much better than me, obviously. We laughed with each other, spent minutes holding each other. We went to town with my mom, looking around the English shops. Our hands laced together the whole time. What I loved about this was that Luke only turned his cell on at night to talk to his mom, and every night he sneaked into my room and held me until we fell asleep. We have one day left and I have made plans to meet with Alex. I haven't told Luke. It's probably going to end much worse than intended, but Alex practically begged me over the phone. He called my nan's home phone and intruded on family dinner. Holly had lied and said it was my old best friend Jessica. I don't want to ruin what we have right now. Luke's spending the day with my dad and granddad tomorrow. Something about 'Man stuff.'

I ached and woke to an empty bed and coffee on the side. I smiled and took a lingering sip. It's freezing cold.
How long have I been asleep? I smile and sit up to stretch. I jump up, put on my slippers and bathrobe, and head downstairs. I smell breakfast and take a much needed inhale of bacon. That smell is just beautiful. When I reach the kitchen it's empty. I frown at whoever has eaten bacon and not involved me. I traipse into the living room and Luke is sitting on the sofa, flicking through some random TV shows. He looks up at me and
smiles.
    
"Good morning, beautiful." He murmurs, lifting up his bacon sandwich and taking a bite. I squint my eyes and then open them wide. It's as if he knows what I’m thinking and he immediately jumps to his feet. "Hell no, Els, this is mine!" He laughs and I slowly walk toward him. "You should have been up earlier!" I gently smile that turns into a grin and he frowns at me. "Ella, no, it's mine!" Why is he so protective over a bacon sandwich?
    
"What's so good about it?" I ask, my head tilted to the side. He takes a bite and watches my reaction.
    
"Well, it's perfect, the ketchup is perfect, and the bread is perfect." He smiles at me between mouthfuls and I give up and sit on the sofa. I pout, sit, and watch some chat show with some guy called Jeremy Kyle. I caught my granddad watching it yesterday and he called him 'Jezza.' Luke pads over to me in bare feet and squats in front of me, his hands on my knees. He looks up at me and smiles. He puts half of his sandwich in front of me.
    
"For you, baby." I smile and look down at him and he hugs my knees. "I can't not share this with you, Ellie." I smile, and grab the sandwich.
    
"Are you sure?" I ask holding it to my mouth.
    
"Yes." He whispers and resumes his seat on the couch next to me. I moan into my first bite and Luke nudges my shoulder. "I said you could have it, not make those noises, they do things to me." I snap up to look at him and he smiles down at me. "I haven't had you for five days, Ella, I miss that connection with you." I smile into my sandwich and eat it quietly.
    
"Where is everyone?" I ask after I've finished my sandwich. Luke's arms are around me while we watch Jeremy Kyle.
    
"Your mom has gone to town with Holly, and your gran, dad, and granddad are in the back sorting something out. What are you doing today, baby?"
    
"I told you, I'm meeting an old friend in town."
Why did I just say that? What is wrong with me?
    
"Oh yeah, sure, who was it again?"
    
"Her names Jessica, I've known her for years." I throw him a reassuring smile and he softly presses his lips against mine. He holds me until it is time to get ready and I'm grateful he is leaving before me.
    
I wave them off from the front door, softly sigh, and shake my head when my granddad’s car speeds out of my view. What are you doing Ella? I pull on my converse that are next to the door and pull out my cell. I text Alex and wait for him to arrive. I sit at the window next to Millie watching the regular neighbors pass the house. I softly and gently stroke her head, my fingers stopping on her soft ears and caressing them. When Alex's car pulls up outside, she jumps up and I smile at her. I watch as he leaves his car. His hair is different, he is
different
. When I knew him he was a thin, lonely boy. Now, this person walking towards the house is definitely a man.
    
His hair is short and styled into messy spikes on his head. His loose jeans hang from his hips and his white tee rests gently above his belt, which has a falcon or some bird on the long oval shape. He has a casual bracelet on; it looks like it's made from rope or something. I never really understood the English fashion. When he reaches the front door I feel my heart jump to my throat. Why do I feel like this? I hear the door knocker sound quietly and Millie leaps to attention and runs to the front door. She stands barking at it like a lunatic and I calm her down. She sits quietly behind me when I open the door. Whoa. His piercing bright blue eyes find me immediately and I remember everything about us. Our first kiss, our hands laced together, reaching second base, cuddling in his car, kissing in the rain.
    
"Hi." He whispers in his broad Yorkshire accent.
    
"Hi," I manage. He smiles at me, his hands tucked into his jean pockets.
    
"You look, well, amazing, Els, you've grown up so well." I watch him invade my body with his eyes and scowl at him when they linger on my chest. My top is pretty low cut. "Sorry." He murmurs. "Let’s go hey? We have some catching up to do." With that, I follow him into his little Ford focus and he drives me away and into a lie.
    
The cafe is small and the aroma of coffee captures my senses immediately. God, it smells so good. Once Alex orders, I sit down on a comfy red chair and sip my cappuccino - it has a cute chocolate coffee bean shape on top.
    
"This place is amazing, Alex! This coffee is just to die for." I take another big sip, empty another sugar packet into the mug, and stir away my coffee bean.
    
"It's called 'Costa Coffee' but it's more like 'Costa packet'!" He smiles at me and I laugh.
    
"Was it expensive then?"
    
"Not for you, Els." He gives me a warm smile and I gently smile back. I feel like a betrayer. A
liar
. Luke did say it was okay to go see Alex but I had still lied and said I was meeting an old friend. What does that say?
Fucking shit
.
    
"Soooooo…Ella." Alex takes a long drink of his cappuccino; his tongue cleans his upper lip of froth and puts the mug back on its small serving plate. "How are you? Life? Everything?"
    
"I'm good." I say with a small smile. "I have college in three weeks, I'm going to Los Angeles." I take a long drink of my coffee. "You?"
    
"That's amazing, Ella. So happy for you and that you got where you wanted. That writers program is there, right?" I smile at him just because he remembered something so stupid that I wanted to do at that point, in this point of my life.
    
"Yeah." I say through a smile. "You remembered." He smiles at me and shakes his head.
    
"I'll always remember, Ella."
Ergh.
A pang of guilt hits me square on in the stomach. I left him here, I broke his heart. He fell in love with me. I watched him do it. I watched all the gentle touches, the finger playing, the small forehead kisses. I knew it. But I still chose to leave it.
    
"I'm so sorry, Alex. For everything I did." I bow my head and try to look away. He comes and sits on the chair next to me. His warm hand touches mine and he tilts my chin up to meet his ocean blue eyes.
    
"Don't apologize, babe. We had something, nobody could ever deny that. But it doesn't matter now. It was three years ago. It changed my life, but I know for a fact it didn't have any impact on yours." He kisses me sweetly on the cheek and resumes his seat.
    
Alex and I spent the whole day looking in shops and it consisted of me trying on hideous clothes just to make him laugh. We talked for such a long time about what that summer meant to us both. How it did, in some ways, make me a little bit more confident. But nothing like Luke does. Nothing. He dropped me home in plenty of time, and when I got back nobody was in. So I got dressed into my pajamas, and watched American teen shows on 'E4.'

Stop touching my shoulder. Stop touching my cheek. Stop touching me.

I stifle a moan and open my eyes. Luke's green eyes look intently into mine, which are squinted from the sunlight. He strokes my cheek and smiles at me.
    
"Hey, sleepyhead." He whispers and kisses my forehead. I sit up slowly and stretch my arms above my head, making a satisfactory moan. I look at the couch and frown. I hate sleeping somewhere uncomfortable.
    
"What time is it?" I say, rubbing my eyes so they wake up a little more.
    
"Like, four in the afternoon." Luke laughs and lifts me up out of the chair and wraps his arms around my waist. I automatically wrap my hands around his neck; it does literally stretch the whole of my arms out to reach. I look him up and down and glare at him in disgust.
    
"Ergh, Luke! You stink!" I try to get free from his grasp, but he just holds me harder.
    
"You know you love it." I turn, so my back is to him, and his hands are holding me at my stomach. I sag against them, because he is just too strong for me, and sigh. He pulls me back and holds me against him. He bends down so his mouth is next to my ear and breathes in.
    
"You're too fucking beautiful."
I groan under his words and his lips gently press to my neck. I let his arms loosen a little and I wriggle free.
    
"You smell like fish!" I shout and run to the other side of the room. He grins at me and walks slowly across the laminate floor. I run to the left so I am behind the sofa.
    
"You playing hard to get, baby?" He leans against the table and crosses his arms.
    
"Maybe." I whisper and shrug. He nods and moves away from the table.
    
"Just remember, beautiful, you're the one that's ticklish." He smirks and launches toward me. I run to the right and then to the left as he comes at me from each side. Millie jumps to attention from her snooze in front of the open fire and starts barking at us. My laughter is so natural it scares me. I haven't laughed for real in so long.
    
"We could go all day, baby." He laughs and tilts his head to the side.
Oh god, he's just so dreamy.
He launches for me again and this time we end up running around the sofa like idiots. My giggles are ferocious and welcome. I'm out of breath when we are back to square one.
    
"What now?" I ask, lifting my arms and dropping them to my sides. He climbs onto the sofa and
grabs my wrists.
I didn't see that coming.
    
"Trapped," he mouths and my smile fades fast. He pulls on my wrists and they come with me over the sofa and into Luke's lap. He still has hold of my wrists and pulls me under him gently. He lowers his head so that his mouth is inches from mine. My breathing is fast because of the running but my heart is beating so fast for a whole other reason.
    
"You're trembling." He whispers and I nod slowly. "I love that your heart beats like that for me, baby, me too." He lets go of my right wrist and presses my hand to his heart. It really is beating just as fast as mine. "God, Ella-" he lets go of my other wrist and presses his soft lips to mine.
    
Soft sweet kisses turn violent and needy. His tongue sweeps my bottom lip for entrance and I comply. As his tongue hits mine, the electricity and burst of butterflies makes my blood run faster than usual, causing my heart to race even faster. The feel of his kiss makes everything clear. It makes everything
worth it
. He pulls away gently and rests his forehead against mine. He looks down at me and his eyes
look funny, but he looks at me so intense, like he can see right through me.
    
"Ella," he whispers. "Don't you ever stop, not ever, loving me. It's me and you, forever and always, okay? Don't you dare. Not ever." I smile at him and push my hands into his hair and his lips crash against mine. I smile beneath the kiss.
    
"Never." I whisper. He sits up abruptly and pulls me up, so that my head is against his chest, as he is still straddling me.
    
"So…I think someone lost." He smiles at me and I scream as his fingers invade my sides, running up and down, tickling me hard. I fall beneath him and he doesn't stop as my giggles and screams fight with me. I stop writhing once my muscles ache and can't take it anymore. He smiles at me and leans down, his hair tickling my forehead slightly. He kisses me soundly and gets up. He holds a hand out to me and pulls me to my feet.
    
"Shower." He mutters. "Someone says I smell." He lets go, walks out of the room, and up the stairs.

******

"That airplane ride was too long!" Holly moans as we land at Charlotte International Airport. I have Holly to my right and Luke to my left, he begged for the window seat. My head is leant back against the uncomfortable chair and my legs stretched as far forward as they can go.
    
"Coach isn't too bad." I mumble through a yawn. Luke nudges me hard in my ribs and I wince.
    
"Ow! That hurt!" I shout and punch his arm.
    
"Coach is definitely bad. I miss my first class." He pouts and turns to face me.
    
"You're definitely too cute." I push his cheeks together so he makes a squished up face and giggle at him. He puts his hand on my thigh and gently moves it higher to territorial ground.
    
"Luke!" I whisper into his ear. "Holly's right there!"
    
"And?" He whispers back, a smirk across his lips. I pick up his hand, move it back to his own thigh, and gently graze my fingers across his groin. I feel him shudder and move my hand back to my lap.
    
"Bitch." He mutters under his breath, and I laugh.

******

"Breakfast?" Luke's holding out his hand to me as we park outside my house. I take his hand and his fingers lace mine.
    
"Luke." I whisper too quietly. "I lied to you."
    
"Ella, what the hell do you mean? Lied to me about what?"
I swallow, hard trying to find the words. This is such a big deal, I know it is. I promised myself from day one I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't lie.
    
"I, um-"
    
"Spit it out, Ella." He snarls, and releases my hand.
Definitely a bad sign.
    
"I lied to you. The day you went fishing with my granddad and my dad, I, um, I met Alex."
He looks at me and then straight ahead. He bows his head and his fingers curl around the steering wheel.
    
"Why?"
    
"I don't know. I'm sorry."
    
"I told you it was fine that you went to meet him. I said it was okay. Why lie to me about it? God, Ella, why fucking lie?" He turns to look at me and I stare at my fingers in my lap. I feel the tears build inside me. His tone is one I don't know. I've hurt him.
    
"I really don't know. I'm sorry. I guess I’m, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just so scared of losing you."
    
"You can be sorry all you fucking want; it still doesn't change the fact that you lied to me. Scared of losing me? Clearly you aren’t otherwise you wouldn’t have lied." He hits the steering wheel hard and turns to face me. "What happened? You wouldn't lie unless something happened. You sleep with him?"
    
I look at him shocked and the tears arrive. "God, Luke, no, nothing like that." I go to touch his hand and he pulls it hard away from me.
    
"It’s funny; even now you're lying to me. Get out of my fucking car right now."
    
"What?" I mutter, barely a whisper.
    
"Car. Get. Out. FUCKING NOW." He screams at me, I unlock the door, and slam it shut.
    
"FUCK YOU!" I scream as he pulls away, his tires are spinning so fast that smoke appears. I turn and kick the wall behind me hard, "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I fall to the ground and pull my knees up to my chest. The tears fall hard down my cheeks, I feel such numbness and I can barely breathe.
What
have I done?
I pull out my cell and dial Luke's phone.

No answer.

I jump to my feet, pull out my car keys from my pocket, and jump into my Mustang. He needs to know the truth.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened.
I put the keys in the ignition, turn, and nothing happens.
    
"FUCK!" I scream and try again. I bash my hands against the steering wheel and cry into my hands. I try once more and it starts. I sit up and reverse out of my driveway. I apologize mentally to my Mustang and drive through Charlotte.
    
Luke isn't home when I reach the foyer of his penthouse at the Madison. The glass vase has been replaced though. I look at the bright yellow flowers that now accompany the vase. They're so pretty. I sit on the white couch in his foyer and write him a letter.

Dear Luke.

There are things in life that are inevitable. I am powerless to control them,
the sun will rise, the tide will come in and out, and the seasons will change.

The birds will fly south and a caterpillar will change into a butterfly. Somehow
, I feel reassured by this because many other things in life are so peaceful.

Luke, from the moment we met I knew this would develop into something beautiful, just as I am sure the caterpillar will one day be a butterfly. Without you, my life would be empty of all inspiration. There will be no work of art for me to gaze at, no person of greatness before me, no melody to listen to. My life will only exist in shades of grey instead of vibrant colors and I will be less than whole.

In the past, my innermost feelings have remained locked away in my heart. No more though, through this letter Luke; I proclaim my love and devotion to you - and you only.

Forever and Always.

Your Ellie.

I fold it up and write Luke on the side. And then I wait…

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

I check my cell when I realize I have been sitting here for such a long time. 10:30pm.
What?
I lay down on the sofa and think; try to feel anything that can take my mind off the way he was when he told me to get out. That hurt and anger on his face, I had caused that, I caused the pain. Me. Me. Me. I'm such a fucking let down, such a lie. I knew I would fuck this up somehow, fuck us up. I know I wouldn't feel this pain unless I loved him. I do, of course I do. I don't know why he thinks that
I would have cheated on him. I'm not that obtuse am I? I'm not that pathetic.
He doesn't trust me.
    
That, well that hurts. I have given him every right not to trust me. To
hate
me. I gave him that. I sit upright and put my head in my hands. I yawn and stand up. I can't wait here anymore. As I travel down in the elevator, I pull my keys from my jeans.
    
The elevator pings as it reaches the bottom and the doors open. I cross the threshold of the Madison's lobby and smile at Clive, the regular security guard. He smiles back and gives me a small wave.
It's raining.
But, wait… that's, that's Luke's car. I leave the building and walk towards the black Mercedes. The windows are steamed up. I can't see inside. Is he hurt? Is he okay? I run over to the driver’s door, the rain crashing down onto my body. I look over to my Mustang and groan. Great, the roofs down. I knock sheepishly on the driver’s window and wait. The window begins its descent and I cringe at what could happen. He told me to leave a few hours ago. Hell, 14 hours ago. When his green eyes come into view, all the memories from the past few weeks flood my mind. Kisses, making love, rain.
W
ho's that? Who is that?
Someone is sitting next to him, but I can't see them.
    
"Yes?" He asks sarcastically.
    
"Um, hi." I manage. He shakes his head in exasperation and it makes me angry. "I waited for you." I am now shivering so hard from the cold it makes my body ache.
    
"And?" He asks.
    
"Hey, Ella."
That voice
. She leans forward and I step back. I can't catch my breath, it's disappeared. I don't know where it is; it's just left my body in a rush. She faked her voice? But, why? It WAS her the night I was attacked. I fucking knew it!
    
"Sarah…" I whisper and she smiles at me. Luke rolls his eyes at us and sits back.
    
"Ella, go home. It's freezing out and I can't deal with your drama right now."
You know what,
that's fucking it.
    
"Luke, get out of the car."
    
"What? No." He shakes his head and shrugs at me.
    
"If you ever loved me at all, you will get out of the car." I say through clenched teeth. I pull on his door handle and it opens.
    
"Get out." I shout. He sighs, unbolts his seatbelt, and steps out.
    
"Sarah, stay there." He mutters to her.
    
"Yes, Sarah darling, please stay there." I say at her sarcastically. She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.
    
"What do you want, Ella?" Luke asks as he slams the door shut.
    
"Well, state the fucking obvious, Luke, but I think, I'm not sure, that I want you." Sarah giggles and it just makes my blood pump harder.
    
"Shame really, Ella. Shouldn't have lied to me. I don’t do
liars
." He snarls at me.
    
“You know what, Luke, screw you. Screw everything. I have had to deal with ten times more shit from you, Jenna, Sarah. Anymore for me to find out about? Alex and I went through tough times together. He helped me when my wounds bled; he held tissue and Band-Aids to me when I felt so low that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to hurt. To die.
    
“
He saved me at a time when you and your lovely little friends decided they wanted to make my life a living fucking hell! He helped me through the violent words. He phoned me every night from England; it must have cost a fucking fortune. But, when I went to meet him, it was for his closure and for mine. To put us both on the same level. He fell in love with me. He loved me. I never ever felt that for him. I told you this. You are the one that tells me to never let go, to hold on to us.
    
“
Yet, there I was being honest with you. Telling you that I had one cup of coffee with Alex, that we caught up on the past three years and had a good laugh. But you, there’s the nights when Jenna stayed over, and that you're now here with the girl that beat me up with her little megalomaniac friends."
Luke stops to look back at Sarah and she shrugs.
    
"Hurts so much more than anything you feel about lying." I sigh and shove the letter into his hands. "This is pointless now. Enjoy each other!" I turn on my heel and run to my car. Luke hasn't a chance to speak to me. He runs after the Mustang and I watch him stop and bend to catch his breath.
The distance increases.
Between him and me, physically and emotionally.